A/N: Okay, I don't know if I like this chapter – I'm terrified that they're out of character, and it's just…oh, I don't know, I just don't like it. If you feel the same way as I do, I'm really sorry, but I'm posting this version anyway. It's very sad-making for Lily, just to warn you; I was wrestling with my tears as I went. Maybe it's because I'm just woefully overemotional, but that's what I think. Just try to make it through this chapter please?

Lily

January 22nd

Dear Diary,

Guess what I've been doing.

Crying.

Yup, you guessed right. You win a million Galleons.

No, you don't. You win my account of what happened. Aren't you lucky? I bet you feel that way.

But the whole dilemma started this morning, when I was sitting down at breakfast with Leila. I wasn't eating, but Leila was busy pouring maple syrup all over her waffles and repeatedly asking me if I wanted to eat anything. I said I didn't, thank you, but she continued to ask. She told me that I could get sick if I didn't eat breakfast, but I reminded her what happened the last time she force-fed me; she shrugged and continued to eat, knowing that arguing with me wasn't a good idea. I put my hands on the table and promptly put my chin on them; it was only breakfast, and I still wanted to go back to bed.

That was when Remus came by. I didn't even know he was there – he never said anything or poked me to show his presence. Leila ended up being the one to poke my arm and gesture at Remus; I looked up and my heart skipped a beat. He was so achingly familiar and lovely; I hadn't been so close to him since New Years. I bit my lip in a pathetic attempt at keeping back tears.

"Look, Lily, can you find me in that little room near our common room after lessons end today? We really need to talk," he whispered.

"Yes," I whispered back, my throat dry.

"All right," he said. "Thank you." Then he left, which put both me and Leila into hysterics.

"What do you think he'll talk to you about?" Leila asked excitedly.

"I don't know, but I have a feeling I'll regret going," I said, feeling myself go pale. "Last time we had a word, I didn't come out of it looking too great."

"Lil, there is nothing that he can do to you to hurt you more," Leila said soothingly.

"That was what I thought before, but I turned out wrong," I said. "Should I just tell him no?"

"No way," Leila said. "See what he wants – you know that you want to."

"I do," I admitted. "I still love him very much, but I don't know if I could stand it."

"You can and you will, Lils," Leila told me bracingly. "Because I must know what happens – the only way for that to happen is if you go and talk to him."

I rolled my eyes, and she laughed. "I'm kidding. But seriously – go to him. He might be ready to take you this time."

"Don't get my hopes up," I said. "It'll only make it harder when that isn't the case."

Leila gave me a quick hug. "Sweetie, don't worry – you won't regret it. Remus is not a mean person."

"Not intentionally," I said mournfully. "I have to go, Leils; see you in class."

I got up to leave, but as I passed into the Entrance Hall, Kyleigh was walking by. I didn't stop walking – she wasn't worth it – so I kept going. She, however, bumped right into my side and said in my ear, "Bitch."

"Slut," I said back automatically, without emotion, completely ready for the insult; that was what Kyleigh always did when she was mad at me. She glared as she went upstairs, but I didn't; the emotion that had been raging throughout me recently was gone, leaving me detached and utterly robotical. I did not even know what was wrong with me this time – it was just screwed up beyond belief.

However, I went up to class five minutes early, got ready, and saved a seat for Leila. She came, she got ready, and eventually, the rest of the class filed in, full and happy from a hearty breakfast. I had been like that once; life had been easy, and I hadn't had the guilt of James Potter on my head – I could laugh and have a good time. No such luck nowadays.

The rest of the day was irrelevant; I only wanted it to end. I needed to talk to Remus. I paid little attention to my lessons – I only watched him. He was just so cute; his gray eyes were so expressive, and made my heart ache all over again. I wished that he liked me; I wished that I could be with him. He was the only one I had ever wanted, but he wasn't interested. He pretended I didn't exist. He obviously thought I could do the same. As if I could; you can't just block out the people you love. Leila caught me looking at him and gently turned my head away, for which I was grateful – even though it hurt to look at Remus, I did it anyway without being able to control myself. I was in love – what could I do?

Finally, after a long, excruciating day of waiting, I went to the room Remus had told me to meet him in. I thought I was too early, and I would have to wait for him; that was why I was so surprised that he was there, already waiting for me.

"Hey," he said quietly when I sat on an unused desk.

"Hi," I said lamely; I was so deficient when it came to talking to boys.

"Listen, I'm sorry," he said at once. "I'm sorry I rejected you on New Years, and I'm sorry I didn't talk to you sooner. James told me it was a bad idea, but now that he's not here, I knew I had to."

"Why do you even listen to him?" I asked. "I've told you before – he controls everyone, and I would hate for him to do it to you too."

"I know," he said. "But James is my best friend, and I needed a plan of action – he gave me one, I couldn't think of a better one, so I used it."

I bit my lip again. "Well, what did you want to say?"

"That I know you think I hate you or something, and I needed to tell you it's not true," said Remus. "I could never hate you, Lil; you're a wonderful person, and I can't imagine anyone in the world hates you."

"You don't have to imagine much, because Kyleigh does," I said bitterly.

"She's just angry – that clouds judgment," he said easily. "Lils, no one hates you. I promise you that."

"I have something to tell you too," I told him. "Remus, I do like you. Still."

Those striking gray eyes clouded with something I couldn't decipher. "Lily, I like you too. Still."

"Where does that leave us?" Don't break me again, I thought desperately. Don't do that again.

"I don't know," Remus said uncomfortably. "You're my best friend's crush – I don't know what we're supposed to do."

"We can…we can do what we want without worrying about James," I said. "I can never have what I want because of him – this is just one time too many."

"I suppose," he said slowly.

"I shouldn't have to ask his permission just to like you," I said, a little stronger that time.

"That's true." I was bending him; this was excellent.

"I can do what I want, and if I want to do this, I can, and I will." I seized his shoulders, and, finally listening to that little voice in my head, I kissed him. It wasn't soft and quick like the last one; it was the kiss I'd been dying to give him for ages. I settled into it, and I kept going; it felt sweeter than anything I'd ever felt, and I loved it.

Surprisingly, I met no resistance; he wanted it just as much as I did. Cautiously, his hands found my waist, and mine just continued to sit on his shoulders. I don't even know how long we kissed; I just knew it was a long time, and it was heavenly. When I finally pulled away, my vision went straight to his eyes, and I was sorry to find that there was guilt in them.

"Lily, this isn't right," he told me nearly inaudibly. "You can do whatever you want…just not this."

"Why not?" I demanded, dangerously close to crying all over again.

He closed his eyes, seemingly to not look at me without appearing rude. "You know why not."

"You keep leading me on," I cried. "Why can't you make this real? Why do you have to torture me?" This couldn't be fair; this was what happened to me last time.

Remus took a deep breath, and took my hand in both of his. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Lily Evans, no matter who we have relationships with, you will be the first I ever…I ever fell for. But James is one of my very best friends – I can't do this to him. Besides that, there are things about me that I can't ask you to deal with – ever."

"I'll deal with them," I wailed. "I just want you, Remus – there's nothing worse than not having you."

"There are worse things in life than not having me," he said simply. "But I-I do love you, despite everything – can you believe that?"

I couldn't take it; I fell to him, and I buried my face in his shoulder. "I want to," I said in a muffled voice as I broke down.

His comforting arms were around me and I cried, yet again. I made myself stop somehow, because I didn't want to dirty his robes, but I was still distraught as I gazed at him again.

"After all of this, can you still be one of my closest friends?" he requested.

I nodded, wiping my eyes.

"Are you going to be all right?"

I shook my head.

"For me?"

I hesitated, but still shook my head.

"Please?"

I bit my lip for the third time and nodded very, very gradually.

"Thank you."

I simply watched him, drinking in the sight of his features – the small dimples, those lovely gray eyes, and his light brown hair.

"Do you want me to take you back to the common room?"

I nodded again.

He smiled slightly, and took my hand. Then, he thought about it for a moment, and put his arm around my waist. I smiled weakly and let him take me down the corridor. He was so soft and warm…I loved having him there with me; the trip to our common room was far too short for me. I ran up to my dormitory and grabbed my bag, while Remus Summoned his, being too lazy to get it, for once. He sat down on the sofa and I sat down with him; and together, we did our homework.

Even though we couldn't be together, being Remus's friend was enough for me. He smiled at me whenever he looked at me, and I often forgot about my homework for a few minutes to admire how beautiful he looked in the firelight. I knew he was just letting me stay because he felt bad – I didn't dare let myself believe his statement of loving me – but it was still something, which was better than nothing, which I knew firsthand.

However, after we were done with our work and went to go to our own dormitories, I leaned in a little – I wanted one more taste of him before I let him go. He turned his head away from me though, and said in an undertone, "We can only be friends, Lil; just friends. I'm breaking the rules doing this too."

He opened the door to his dormitory, and I opened the door to mine, feeling the melancholy gloom colonizing into my chest. I couldn't have him. We could pretend that I could, but I couldn't. How I loved him. That kiss had felt like everything. His voice, his face, his hair, his eyes…everything about him kept replaying in my head. Life wasn't fair. Nobody could see how magnificent Remus really was – it seemed to only be me. So, if that was the case, why couldn't I have him? I got into my dormitory and lay on my bed again, doing what I had been trying to avoid doing lately. My tears fell silently down my cheeks, and the world seemed to come down on me again, like it had the night he had first rejected me. That had been the same sort of thing – I told him I loved him, he said, in so many words, that he loved me too, we kissed once, and then he left me. I hated everything. I couldn't have him, so life wasn't worth it anymore. I couldn't have him, and that hurt the most out of everything fate had thrown at me before.

Leila walked into the dormitory a few minutes later, and saw me. She rushed straight to me and asked, "So how did it go?"

I looked at her eager face, and I whispered, "I can't have him. We love each other, but we can't be together. He kissed me, we did our homework together, and then he left me in the common room."

"Really?" Her eyes were wide. "Start at the beginning and tell me everything."

And so I did; I told her every word he had said, every word I had said, every gesture shared, and every expression on his face. When I was done, she sighed. "It must be horrible, loving someone like that, and not being able to have it work out."

"You have no idea," I sobbed, resting my head on her shoulder.

She put her arm around my waist and squeezed me. "Hang in there, Lils. Fate will bring you together if it was meant to work. If not, then something else will work better."

"I have never wanted anyone but Remus," I said defiantly.

"Maybe you will want someone else later," she said. "Like I told you – hang in there. I promise; things will get better."

I sighed. "Really?"

"Of course," she said. "Don't worry about it, love; things will improve."

I wanted to believe her – truly, I did – but at the same time, I knew that she was probably wrong. I told her that; "Leils, there's some kind of rule about me not having a happy ending – it's not happening."

"Don't say that," she said. "Hey, listen; I've got to eat dinner now – I'll be back in about twenty minutes, all right? I know you don't want to go, so I'm leaving you in here."

"Thanks," I said tonelessly. "See you."

She gave my shoulder another squeeze and ran out of the room; Leila sure did have an appetite. The moment she was gone, I pulled you, my diary, out again. I just don't know what's wrong with everything – I just want Remus, but it's Remus I can't have. It's not fair. I love him. I've never loved anyone more. He's The One for me; I can just feel it. So why can't we be together? Why can't we date and not feel guilty about it? Why do we have to hide in unused classrooms to kiss? It was eating me up inside; the harder I fall for him, the more pieces I break into.

I don't even know what's left of me anymore; I'm broken goods, and I'm not compatible with any glue known to man. The only glue I'll take is Remus, but they don't really sell that sort of glue to people like me.

James

January 20th

Dear Diary,

Today, I didn't even leave my room. I've been thinking about Lily, and it's driving me insane. I've been thinking about her for the past…oh, I don't know…day and it's enough to drive me crazy.

It actually started from a bizarre dream I'd had. It focused on Lily, of course, and we were outside, by the Black Lake; she was telling me that she was in love with me. I said, "Finally!" She giggled and said that I was cute when I was excited. I lifted her up and we spun around, laughing, until we both fell into the lake. I took her hand and swam her over to the side, and realized that she was dead – the Giant Squid had managed to eat her head while I had been swimming. I tried to get help, but there was no one there. I woke up, shouting, and drenched in cold sweat. The morning sun beat down on my face, reminding me that I was in London, and Lily did not lose her head to the Giant Squid. I relaxed at that point, but I still couldn't shake the image of her laughter from my brain. I'm a sucker for Lily Evans; isn't that common knowledge already?

I got up, dressed, washed up, but all the while, I could only think of Lily. Her red hair…it was ever so soft. I got the chance to touch it once when she wasn't expecting it, and it was beyond great. Her eyes…I'd always loved her eyes. They were the reason I first fell in love with her. They were incredibly expressive, and the loveliest shade of green that was possible to find. She had a delicate face – beautifully set – and she was just thin enough to be willowy, but not thin enough to bring up those Muggle anorexia suspicions. She was perfect on the outside, she was perfect on the inside…she was the only one perfect enough for me, and she didn't even know it. How unfair was that?

I lay back on my newly-made bed, deep in thought. She was always on my mind. I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone. I wasn't a kissing virgin by any means, but I was definitely a virgin to feeling something like what I felt for Lily. That feeling was more painful than anything else, really; you waited for her, you ached for her, and when you finally saw her, she blew you off and left you there, oblivious to how she just broke your heart. It was just how she operated, and after a while, you got used to it. At first, it used to kill me every time she cast me aside, but as the years went by, I got more immune to it. By now, I've forgotten how that felt, but it's come back today, and I can definitely remember how it worked.

The sensation in my stomach that I'm getting right now is not really describable in words, so the best way I can put it is a despair – an icy, yet fiery despair, creeping up through my veins, filling me with unquenchable yearning and inexpressible agony. Geez, I never even knew I knew what those words were – Lily seems to have that effect on me, where I discover something about myself that I've never known before. But back to the point – it hurts insanely. It's the kind of pain they invent swear words for, I reckon. It's bad though – really bad. I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of my life if I don't marry her.

She's just The One for me. I know that one for a fact. She's the best for me – I've never felt like this about anyone else, as already mentioned. There are just some things in life you know – your inner instincts just scream at you to believe it and you do – and loving Lily is one of them for me. We're going to be together somehow – we have to be. No one can deny that we are the perfect couple. I mean, my ego is apparently huge (don't know where that one came from), and hers isn't – she could keep it in check. She has a wild temper, and I could calm her. I take risks, and I could probably persuade her to take some with me – that girl needs some adventure in her life. Alternately, if I'm doing something stupid, she can stop me. See? It works. Lily and I are meant to be.

I don't know what I'm doing here anymore. I knew this truth all along – all it took was a very nit-picky Georgie Walters to remind me of it. I'm not going to go home early – I like being away from the teachers too much – but I do know that when I get back, Lily and I indisputably have a bit of talking to do.

A/N: I know James's was terribly short, but how long do you expect me to rant about how Lily is perfect for him? Haha. But I enjoyed contrasting the whole 'The One' stuff; Lily is James's One that rejects him, Remus is (for now) hers – kind of funny that way, eh? xD But anyhow, leave a review please!