A/N: All right, well, this time, it's Lily's birthday. This chapter is the longest in this story so far, which was why it took so long to update (there's my reason, to those of you who got a wee bit annoyed at my slowness - you know who you are), but there's a lot going on. I do hope you enjoy it!
Lily
January 30th
Dear Diary,
Today, as I write, I am no longer fifteen. Yes, it is my sixteenth birthday, and I have finally hit the perfect age – young enough to enjoy life, but old enough to feel important. I can also get my Apparition license in exactly a year, which is what I've been waiting for. Sixteen! Me! I love it.
Well, most of it.
My birthday was a little different this year – both in good ways and bad ways – and I'm not quite sure what to think of it. I'll let you, my ever-knowing diary, judge that for me.
When I woke up this morning – six in the morning, as always – every girl in our dormitory (except Kyleigh, I noticed) was standing around my bed and shouted happy birthday into my face. I was deafened (and still half-asleep), but I appreciated it; I got out of bed, hugged them all, and thanked them. Then Leila took me off to the side and handed me a box.
"Happy birthday, Lils!" she said, giving me an extra hug. "Open it!"
I smiled, obligingly took the lid off the box, and peered inside. Inside the mother-load of tissue paper, I discovered a white dress. I took it out to examine it, and I gasped; it was a long, flowery sort of dress with thin straps, a prettily-cut neckline, and a few cleverly set layers. It was absolutely gorgeous.
"Leils, this is incredible!" I cried. "Thank you so much!" I began to hug her closely, and she laughed.
"I know, isn't it? My sister found it the other day, and I knew you'd like it," she said.
"I do; thanks again!" I hugged her one last time and folded up the dress for later usage. Then, utterly thrilled with the day so far, I speed-dressed into whatever came to my hands. I just wanted to get out and enjoy my day, so I didn't even look in the mirror when I was getting ready. But before I walked out of the dormitory, Leila caught sight of me and nearly fainted.
"Lily! You don't expect me to let you go out like that on your birthday, do you?" she asked, looking at me in disbelief.
"I just want to go, Leils – my clothes don't matter," I said happily.
"They do matter." Leila herded me straight back to the bathroom, where she handed me the black shirt I had worn on New Years with her own tight black jeans. I stared at her in horror.
"Leils, I am not allowed to wear this to school," I said.
"Hang on." She took out a piece of parchment, scrawled two words on it, and put a Sticking Charm to the rear of my pants.
"Leila!" I screeched. "What did you put on my butt?!"
"It says birthday girl," Leila said with a grin. "You can get away with anything. Besides, I'll bet you anything Sirius will bail you out if a teacher gets upset."
"Why would Sirius do that?" I inquired, mystified. "Sirius hates me."
"He would think you were sexy, and he would have something to look at," Leila explained. "He sticks up for you when you look good."
"This is ridiculous," I said, giving her the shirt back. "I'll take the pants if you take that sign off my behind, but the shirt is out of the question."
Leila sighed and took the shirt away. Within a few minutes, she was back with another shirt; this one's neck was low enough to show some cleavage and left about four inches of my stomach exposed, so I gave it right back. Irritated, Leila gave me a tube top. I handed it right back.
"I am not going to wear something that shows off my breasts or my stomach," I told her. "If you have something that fits that description, then please give it to me. Otherwise, I will wear what I want."
With another sigh, Leila gave me a beige t-shirt with a square neck, which, though it stopped in an appropriate spot, extended the sides up to my underarms. It was also skin-tight, and revealed just a tiny strip of my stomach with the black jeans. It would be my best bet, so I accepted the outfit and put it all on.
That wasn't the end of my torture, however; my hair was the next thing to be attacked. It was mercilessly curled and rumpled until it was tied up in a messy, yet sophisticated manner. Then, when I was wearing high-heels, had a brown-bronze necklace around my neck, and wore matching earrings, Leila let me out of the room, babbling about how lovely I was looking. I thanked her and gave her a few hugs, of course, but at the same time, it was highly unnecessary – I did not need to go to such lengths. Sixteen was a great age to be, but seventeen was the one to bother about. But I should have expected Leila's reaction; she takes every opportunity she can to doll me up and throw parties.
When we went to the common room, a surprising amount of people wished me happy birthday (I suspected that it had been Leila who spread the word), but the most surprising of all was a certain Kyleigh Brookes.
I had been sitting on the sofa, laughing with Leila, when Kyleigh approached me. I stopped mid-laugh, anxious and baffled at the same time – these days, Kyleigh put most of her energies in pretending that I was not in the same country, let alone the same room.
"Hey Kyles," I said cautiously.
"Happy birthday," she said stiffly.
"Thank you." I was pleased that she remembered, but I wasn't sure why she sounded so forced.
She pursed her lips with agonized eyes and said, "Look, it was really stupid that we fought the way we did, and I know that."
"It was," I agreed. "But you know what? I don't see any point in saying I'm sorry, and quite honestly, if you apologized, you'd be wasting your breath."
"I wasn't going to," she said, even though we both knew she was.
"I sound harsh," I tried to back-track. "I know that. But I'm tired of being trampled on. I don't want to be one of those reusable objects that you destroy for a little while and resurrect when you decide you need them again. I have feelings too; I'm not going to let you or anyone else ever get the better part of me again."
She sighed. "I suppose. But I miss you, Lils."
"You have a funny way of showing it," I said.
"Come on; you know that I overdo things all the time," Kyleigh said.
"But I don't want to be the one who gets hurt every time you do," I said. "You can do that with Sirius, but you're not going to do it with me too."
"Fine," she said finally. "We're not friends anymore."
"Were we ever?" I asked her sadly. "There were times when I wasn't sure."
She shrugged, though I knew that the situation was doing more than she let show. "Happy birthday, Lily."
"Thanks." I hugged her for a long moment before we both went our separate ways – me to where Leila was waiting for details and Kyleigh to where Sirius was waiting to snog her. It didn't bother me too much though; life wasn't always fair. She was my best friend, but times change. It was sad, and I knew it, but things didn't always work out, no matter how sure you were that they would. I had to move on. I couldn't linger in my misery – that had happened once, and I wasn't going to do it again. I had to let it slide off of me, and I would do just that.
After Kyleigh, the breakfast bell rang; the hungry Gryffindors nearly fell out of the portrait hole in their haste to get something to eat. I walked at a leisurely pace with Leila, who was pondering what to do for my birthday celebrations.
"I think we should go out to Hogsmeade and do something fun there," she suggested. "We can shop, if you'd like."
"I think I want to stay in the castle and finish my homework," I said.
Leila very nearly smacked me when I said that. "Lily! It is your birthday today. You are not supposed to be doing your homework, damn it!"
"Oh all right, I'll take a night off," I said, smiling slightly as she gave me a relieved look.
"Thank goodness you weren't completely off your rocker," she said. "Now let's go to breakfast! Come on!" Leila took my hand and together, we ran to the Great Hall, laughing. We sat down at our usual spot at the Gryffindor table, and immediately, Leila piled her plate with whatever she could reach. I, of course, took nothing; I simply watched my friend gorge herself stupid. It was rather entertaining, actually – Leila is a hearty eater.
After about half of her plate was empty, she looked at my empty one. "Lily, why aren't you eating?" she asked.
"I'm not hungry," I clarified. "I feel sick."
"I thought you were over this," Leila said with a groan. "Shall I call James?"
"Oh, please, no," I pleaded. "Don't call James."
"Then eat," she said, pointing at my plate.
I was about to object again, but I was saved the trouble by James bouncing up to my spot at the table. James was in the lead, as usual, and he looked at me with an elation I had rarely ever seen.
"Lily! Happy birthday!" He picked me up out of my seat and pulled me into a tight hug.
The hug…I had meant to think nothing of it, but somehow, I couldn't. I had…I guess I had kind of…liked…it. I can't believe I'm saying it, but I did. It was the hug of someone who cared. Childish though it sounds, I have always longed to have those types of hugs. I get them from family and even from Leila time to time, but this one was different. This one felt…right. This one could last me forever.
When he let me go though, I kept things light (mostly because I got another ABC to hug him back even tighter) by asking, "Okay, where is the flirty and annoying James Potter? This one is different."
"I'm just happy for you, babe," he said enthusiastically.
"Look, I really appreciate it and all, but never call me babe again," I told him.
He laughed. "Okay. That's a promise, birthday girl." Then he gave me The Grin again; it was my favorite out of all his facial expressions. It was the sweet one that made me wonder why he was such a jerk, and why he couldn't be the fantastic guy he seemed to be.
I allowed myself to smile slightly at him. "Thanks."
I was almost ready to be nice to him – truly, I was – but then he made a dire mistake; he cleared his throat and shouted, "Okay, Hogwarts. Today is Lily Evans' sixteenth birthday, and I want to ask you all to sing to her because she's worth it. Ready?"
If it was anyone else who had commanded the hall to sing, they would have gotten weird looks and would be forced to move to another school. But, as it was, James was the one who had made the request – of course they would sing, eagerly at that. Pretending to be a conductor, James led the school in a booming rendition of Happy Birthday, beaming away as he did. I hid my face in my arms, trying to look invisible though I was failing miserably. He lifted my head up, and I knew that I was blushing deeply red; only that could made him smile the way he did.
"Happy birthday," he said in my ear.
I smiled shyly at his earnestness. "Thank you."
At that point, Sirius and Peter ran to me – Remus was apparently sick today – and Sirius grinned. "Happy birthday, Evans. You're sixteen – you're quite old, aren't you?"
"Thank you, Black," I said, my words coming out with mixed sarcasm and sincerity.
"Happy birthday," Peter piped up. "Have a good one."
"Thank you," I said, smiling my hollow, on-the-surface smile at him. It confused most boys, which was why I kept it handy, and Peter was no exception; he exchanged a significant look with Sirius before looking back to James. James, however, knew that smile – I had used it on him enough – and laughed.
"So, Lily…what are you going to do in the evening for your birthday?" he asked too innocently.
"I have no doubt that Leila has arranged something or another for me to do, so whatever it is, I'll be doing that," I answered.
James winked at Leila (which nearly made her have a seizure) and said, "Okay. Sounds good. See you later, girls. Happy birthday again, Lily." He smiled once more at me before leaving the Great Hall. Leila squealed the moment he was gone.
"Lily! How cute is he?!" she cried. "How can you not love him after that?"
"Leils, I don't love him," I told her patiently. "I am simply touched that he cared so much about my birthday. Being touched is not the same as being in love."
"The way you smiled at him!" she went on as though I hadn't said anything. "Oh Lil; I wish I got that in a picture. You were so in love."
Normally, I would have told her to shut up and talk about something else, but I was somehow caught off guard. "I was?"
That was all she needed. "YES!" she all but screamed. "You were so in love. I don't really have the words, but you truly did look like you loved him."
"I think your eyes need a check, because I don't love him," I said, no longer interested. "Please – can we get off of this topic?"
"Okay," she said. "Let's get to class, and then we'll talk about James later."
I sighed – I knew she would hold on to that promise – but I was glad that I hadn't been condemned to eating breakfast. Another meal skipped – excellent. However, I knew it was short-lived; Leila had that knack of realizing what I was thinking and demanding some sort of explanation for it.
"Lily, you didn't eat breakfast!" she said, right on cue. "Come on, let's go back – we can get you some fruit and you can eat it before class."
"We're late," I said, walking a bit faster. "I don't want breakfast, Leila."
"You need to eat," she insisted.
"It's my birthday," I reminded her. "I can do what I want."
"Lil, the way you're going, you won't live for your next birthday," she said. "Come on; let's get you something to eat."
I shook my head. "I'll eat at lunch – I promise," I said.
"Okay, fine," Leila grumbled. "But if you don't, I'll get James."
"Fine," I said.
We walked on in silence, since there was nothing to say, but then Snape joined us. He smiled up at me and said, "Happy birthday, Lily."
"Thanks," I said, giving him a half-smile.
"Happy returns of the day!" he called out to me as he turned a corner.
I gave him an unsure smile at that, but then turned back to Leila, who was giggling madly.
"Don't laugh," I said reproachfully. "He's a slimy git, I know, but he's not too bad if you don't act like James around him."
"But he's Snivelly," she said with a noise somewhere between a giggle and a snort. "He's a dork, Lily."
"I know," I said. "But still – don't be rude."
Leila rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Come on – we're nearly there." We stepped into the classroom and took our seats together. While we set up, Leila began to talk about something or another – quite honestly, I wasn't paying attention – and, before we knew it, James and the rest of the class came in as well. The bell rang, class started, and the morning began.
The lessons I had all morning were pretty uneventful – life continued as usual, with more notes to take and numerous facts/spells/counter-curses to remember; among those things, I had to make plans on how to escape lunch, as well as find a few passages in my Transfiguration book that would help me with McGonagall's essay. More than once, I even forgot it was my birthday; I was only reminded by James, who saw fit to, in every class, inform the teacher that I had turned sixteen and convincing the classroom to sing to me every period. Leila thought it was cute; I thought that though it was sweet of him, it was kind of annoying; I'd heard the bloody song about six times by the time lunch rolled around.
Lunch. I knew that I couldn't eat, because I wanted to be able to wear that beautiful dress Leila had given me, but it was a problem getting rid of James and Leila, who were both insistent that I ate. I went to the Great Hall with Leila's hand securely on my wrist, and we both took a seat at the table. As was her custom, Leila took pretty much everything that she could get her hands on, and dove in right away. I didn't; I simply surveyed her progress. It was disgusting, but it was better than eating it all myself.
After a few minutes, Leila said, "Ifu 'ink oo'll ge 'way 'at eafily, 'ink 'ain."
"What?" I asked.
She gave an enormous swallow. "I said, if you think you'll get away that easily, think again. Here." She took my plate and put some French fries on it. "This isn't much, but if you can eat it, I'll be satisfied."
I decided that I would try; I owed her that much, didn't I? I sighed and took a fry. While I was nibbling it, Leila gave me a satisfied grin and began to talk about something else. I finished the plate, but then I looked down at my thighs; they were enormous. I hated them – they looked like potato sacks sticking out of my hips. I couldn't eat French fries; that fat always went straight to your thighs. I had to do something, but I could only think of one option. I didn't want to do it, but I had to. What else was there to do?
I excused myself to the bathroom and I stood in front of the toilet again. I closed my eyes; I knew how to do it this time, but that didn't mean I liked it. I took a breath and put my fingers in just the right spot. I'm not going to go into what happened next, but it wasn't fun. I wanted to pass out, but that would mean someone would find me and figure out what I had been doing. Then they would put me in a ghastly program of some sort for me to "sort out my problems." I didn't have any problems except for my bloody weight, and that was what I wanted to fix!
I know that what I'm doing is wrong. I know that it's unhealthy, and can cause a lot of problems. But the difference between me and every other girl that gets ill is that I know when to stop – I will stop doing this nasty business the moment my weight goes down. I take no pleasure from my actions – it's all necessary. That's that.
I went back to the Great Hall feeling woozy, and I was so sure that it showed that I was tempted to ask Leila why she didn't see it when she babbled on as though nothing had happened. I was grateful though; I didn't quite want to explain why I was so sick. We left after she had finished her colossal breakfast, and so far, everything was working fine – I had nothing in my stomach, Leila was happily chattering away, and James hadn't made the school sing for me again. I didn't dare hope for more than that.
Classes were, once more, ordinary except for James making everyone sing to me again and again. When he began the chorus of 'happy birthdays,' I always watched him closely to see what he was thinking, but I was always unsuccessful. He was joyful, yes, but he was always joyful when it came to embarrassing me that way. I looked closely, my eyes raking across his face, drinking in every ounce of emotion that there was to take, but I could think of nothing. All I saw was a cheerful, lovesick guy making everyone sing the same song every half an hour. I knew there was more to it than that, but I couldn't think of it. I was hungry, but I tried to silence my stomach before Leila noticed.
"So Lily…what do you want to do tonight?" Leila asked as we lounged around on our beds after our classes were over for the day.
"I dunno," I said, playing with some thread on my comforter. "Should we go to Hogsmeade or something?"
"Okay," she agreed. "When do you want to go?"
"I dunno, maybe later," I said. "Right now, I want to work."
Leila sighed. "I thought we had already settled this. You are not working today."
"I know, but I have nothing to do," I said.
"Here, I have to go for a few minutes; can you survive out here without working?" she asked.
"Yeah, I reckon I can," I told her, rolling my eyes.
"Good." She jumped up and ran outside. I lay back on my bed when the door closed, giddy with relief. Leila had no idea that I had not eaten anything for lunch that stayed in my stomach – it hadn't even been too hard to keep the secret. I was pretty excited; I was doing well. Really well.
As I relaxed and let my thoughts wander, I found that they strayed over to James. His smile. His eyes. His laugh. His overall personality. I wasn't sure, but I could feel myself get…intrigued, I suppose you could say. I wanted to know more about him. I wanted him to be there so that I could bombard him with every question I could think to ask about his existence. Is that normal? Is that right? Am I supposed to feel that way?
No, I answered myself. I am not supposed to feel that way. I hate James Potter. End of story. That's how it's always been.
But is there more to that story? Is there maybe some way I…like…him a little bit? A tiny, tiny, tiny bit?
Ugh, no. I shouldn't be questioning this. I shouldn't be thinking about it. My ABC's are utterly absurd. They should not be poisoning my mind. I was done. I don't like him, let alone love him. That really is the end of the story. Complications come in the middle, but then they are resolved in the end to the simple truth – I hate him.
As I was mulling this over, Leila bounded into the room, looking rather pleased, and said, "Come on, Lily! Come here!"
"What?" I gave her a quizzical look as I was dragged out of the dormitory and down the stairs.
She didn't respond; all she did was take me down the winding staircase and push me out to the common room. An explosion of colored paper and streamers hit my eyes, as well as a deafening shout of, "HAPPY SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY, LILY!"
"Ah!" Both by the surprise and the massive heels I was wearing, I fell on the floor with a thud. Dazed, I found James looming over me, grinning; he gave me his hand, and I took it to lift myself up off the ground.
"Happy birthday," he said softly.
I half-smiled at him for the second time, and he gave me a full smile. I wasn't sure what to say back to him – it was quite an embarrassing situation. I couldn't use my tongue; it felt like a wet, wadded-up ball of cloth in my mouth. However, I was spared the agony of standing there with him by Sirius yelling at me; "Get over here, Evans," he called impatiently.
Gladly, I walked away from James and went to Sirius. "Yes?"
Sirius looked me over, seemingly impressed, and said, "You look good. Now tell me what songs in here you like so that I can play them."
I looked up at him, puzzled. "I thought you hated me."
"Oh, I do," he assured me. "It's just that it's your birthday, and James wants me to be nice. So I am."
I smirked. "Figures. Anyway, I like…these." I pointed out a few songs from the list he had in his hand.
Sirius snorted. "What a crappy musical sense you have. I'm picking the music."
"Fine," I said, rolling my eyes at him. "But might I remind you that it was you that put the list together?"
"I asked Peter what music he liked, and I pick on him for having bad taste all the time," he said, giving me a laugh that sounded eerily like a dog barking. "But I've decided that I'm playing what I want. And if you want me to play what you want, you'd better dance with me."
"There are three things wrong with that," I said. "Firstly, your kind of dancing is having sex. I'm not doing that. Secondly, you are dating Kyleigh, not me; she would flay me to an inch of my life if she saw me with you. We may not be friends, but I'm not making the mistake of getting involved with you again. Thirdly, James would flay you to an inch of your life if you tried to dance with me."
Sirius laughed again. "You're right about all of them. Go then; I think I see James, and if he sees you hot and bothered, he's going to get mad at me."
I shrugged and went back to Leila, purposely side stepping James. "Leils, what is going on?" I hissed when I got to her.
"Your surprise party," she said, beaming at me. "And I assume that Sirius was asking you about music just now?"
"Yes, he was," I said. "But apparently, my musical preferences are crappy, and he's going to play what he wants. He offered to play my choices if I danced with him, but I said no way."
"Good for you," she said, chuckling. "Now come with me – we can get a butterbeer."
I went obediently with her, and I drank my butterbeer. Everyone in Gryffindor House was dancing, drinking, flirting and/or laughing, but not me; I was on the side, as always. I had never liked to dance, though countless people had tried to make me in the past. Every excuse has been used – all you have to do is step with the beat, it's so much fun, you can come with me, just enjoy yourself – but none have worked. After a few minutes of hanging around with me, Leila went out to have some fun, and I kept to myself. That was how it always worked.
Many that I have met think you're absolutely boring if you stand on the side and look at everyone else have fun, but it's actually not. I like it; you can get lost in your own thoughts that way, and observe whoever is around you. Call me weird, but it's an interesting exercise; I get a better idea of human nature by watching what people do. As I observed what a couple of second-years dance, Leila marched over to me, looking annoyed.
"You – dance floor. Now," she ordered. "Come on."
"Leila, this really isn't necessary," I tried to convince her. "I don't want to dance!"
"Yes, you are," she said, obviously not in a mood to be messed with. She took my wrist and navigated to the center of the group. Once we were there, Sirius put on a very easy-to-dance-to type of song, and Leila pushed me out in front of everyone.
That was one of the most terrifying things I've ever been condemned to doing, actually. Everyone was watching me, and cheering for me. There were too many people. I hated dancing, and I hated spotlights; combine the two and you get disaster. I wanted to run away, but there was nowhere to go. I was standing there like a panic-struck idiot; what would I do?
Just when I thought all hope was lost, James stepped to the center with me. "Need some help?" he whispered.
"Please," I whispered back.
He nodded. "Leave it to me."
Then, with a loud war-whoop, James put his arm around my waist and spun me around. I laughed, feeling like a six-year-old child, and spun with him, truly enjoying myself for the first time in the party. In essentials, it was a swirl of smiles, laughter, and moving along with him; those are the only words I can think of to describe what we were doing. I do hate dancing, but with James, it was somewhat bearable; he was in control of what I did, so I was spared thinking of my own actions. Not only that, but he was flexible; if I slipped up – which I did plenty of – he covered it for me. I realized tonight that he's spent five years doing that – trying to hush my mistakes up so that nobody would think too much about it. That added something sweet to our dance; I found myself smiling at him in ways that I hadn't done before.
When it was all over – finally – he took me to the side, laughing and shaking his head. "That was some dance, Lil," he said happily. "I had fun."
"You know, I kind of did too," I admitted. "Thanks for saving me."
"Ah, no problem, birthday girl," he said with a smile. "Oh, wait; I almost forgot. I got you a birthday present."
"You didn't have to," I began to say, but he shushed me.
"Yes, I did. Here you go." He gave me a small black box, and I looked at him curiously.
"More jewelry?"
"No," he said with a grin. "Open it."
I did, and four slips of parchment fell out. I bent down, picked them up, and began to read them; they all said the same thing:
This is a coupon that can be used any time to make James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, or Peter Pettigrew do any one thing that you want them to do. Use it well.
"I didn't know what to get for you, so I figured you could tell us yourself," he said.
"Thanks," I said sincerely, smiling at him. "That's pretty thoughtful."
"Sirius wasn't thrilled," James admitted. "He said that you would use it for evil, but I told him that I knew you wouldn't."
"You have more faith in me than I do," I said with a mischievous laugh. "Sirius's life is going to be a living hell."
"Lil, please," he said. "Don't torture him."
I sighed, disappointed. "Oh all right; I won't make his life a living hell."
"On Sirius' behalf, thank you," James said. "Anyway, do you want me to sneak you back out to your dormitory? I'm almost positive that you don't want to be here."
"Could you?" I asked, grateful to him for the very first time.
"Sure," he said. "But…only after the cake."
"No," I groaned. "No cake – please."
"It's chocolate," he tried to tempt me. "You love chocolate; Leila told me."
"I know, but I don't want cake," I said. "I'll cut it if you insist, but I'm not eating it."
"Fair enough," he said. "Come on." He took my hand and we went to the center again, where Leila had produced a table with a huge chocolate cake on it. It was a beautiful thing – professionally iced with sugar flowers everywhere – but it made me feel sick. Leila was going to expect me to eat a slice.
"One more time, everyone," James called out to everybody there. "Sing her happy birthday."
And it began once again – I was sung to for the twelfth time in the day. James stood on one side of me and Leila was on the other for the whole thing, and when the song was over, James lit candles (on the side, so not to ruin the cake) for me to blow out.
"Make a wish, Lily," he said in my ear.
What was my wish? I looked at the candles, the flames dancing before my eyes as though waiting for me, and I thought. There was only one thing I wanted, and it was for Remus to be with me. I was somewhat over him, but I loved him, and I still did – he was what I wanted for my birthday. I wasn't going to use my coupon for something like that, but I decided on a general wish – I wanted to fall in love; that was my final thought before I blew out the candles.
Applause rang in my ears as Leila began to serve cake, but James led me quietly off to the stairs when no one was looking my way. "Go," he whispered. "Happy birthday, Lils."
"Don't call me Lils, but thank you," I whispered back to him. He looked back at me with a friendly smile, and I got another ABC; I wanted to kiss him ever so lightly before I went upstairs to show him that I was thankful for what he had done. But I didn't; instead, I bit my lip and went up to my bathroom. There, I changed out of the clothes Leila had lent me and got ready for bed early. I was tired – celebrating my sixteenth birthday had been quite an ordeal.
Now I'm on my bed, and I'm thinking about James again. He's so…I don't know…just James. He's so unpredictable. He's always on my mind. I don't know why that is – normally, I loathe him and I want to feed him to the Giant Squid. Nowadays though, I find myself thinking about him constantly – his face was so familiar, and it was growing on me. I want to touch him, but I don't know how to do it because then people would say we're in love. I'm not in love with him; it's…something else. Just something that's not love.
I think I hear Leila though; she's going to want to know why I've been up here when the party was in the common room. I have to find a valid excuse for being where I am, and I think I'll write again tomorrow.
James
January 30th
Dear Diary,
Today was Lily's sixteenth birthday.
It was quite an ordeal, I must say. I worked hard to make sure it was the greatest day I could make it; Leila and I planned it together. That was a problem because she flirted quite a lot, but I ignored that; I had to make Lily's birthday a memorable one.
Yesterday night, when everyone else had gone to bed, Sirius, Peter, Leila, and I (Remus was still a werewolf) all sat down to plan what we were going to do. Kyleigh joined us, but only because Sirius was in on it; Sirius was only in on it because I forced him to. Still, I had a bunch of ideas, and I wanted to air them out so that I could get some help to make them reality.
"So, I'm thinking that when she gets up tomorrow, it'll be non-stop attention for her birthday," I proposed.
"No," Leila said. "Lily hates attention. She's going to want to work on her birthday – I bet you anything."
"That's one of the things you can't let her do, Leila," I said. "I'm putting you in charge of that."
"Okay," she said, batting her eyelashes at me. I ignored her.
"I'd say we do a surprise party in the evening too, with cake and everything," I said. "Peter, can you take care of that?"
"Of course I can," Peter said. "I know this great place in Hogsmeade for cakes – the girls there know me, so I can get something good for a decent price."
"Excellent," I chirped. "Sirius, help him with the pricing for snacks, and can you take care of decorations?"
"James, are you sure this is a good idea?" Leila asked. "Lily hates parties."
"Lily hates everything fun," Kyleigh pointed out. "But we'll try to change that tomorrow."
"Thank you, Kyleigh," I said, banging my fist on the table. "I'm thinking all-out party with music tomorrow night, singing to her every class period, presents, and no work."
"It sounds like her nightmare," Kyleigh said with a laugh. "But she could use some fun; she's absolutely boring."
"All of you need to shut it," Sirius said loudly. "It's going to be fun – we're the planners, aren't we?"
"That's what I thought too," Kyleigh agreed at once. "But what are you going to give her for her birthday, James?"
"I don't know," I confessed. "Do you guys know what I should get for her?"
"Get her a nice book," Kyleigh suggested innocently.
"No," I snapped. "You can get her that."
"I'm not buying her anything for her birthday," Kyleigh proclaimed. "She's not my friend; I see no reason to."
"That's not nice, Kyleigh," Leila said reproachfully. "I think you should get something – it's her sixteenth birthday. My sister found this gorgeous dress in a shop a few days ago and sent it to me, telling me to give it to Lily. She's going to love it."
"Aren't there those coupon things where you can make someone do one thing for you if you give one in?" Sirius asked. "Why don't you give her one of those?"
"You're a genius, Sirius," Kyleigh said flirtatiously, her eyelashes batting. "Come her and kiss me."
"Okay." Sirius shrugged, grinned, and obliged while I turned away with revulsion. Peter covered his eyes and requested that they please leave if they must do that. Sirius told him not to watch if it bothered him; that made Peter sit back in his chair and sulk. Indifferent, Sirius went on kissing Kyleigh, and I turned to Leila.
"You know, that's not a bad idea," I said. "Should I give her four coupons?"
"I think that would work," said Leila. "But then again, you never know if she'll abuse her power."
"Don't do it," Peter advised. "She's going to make Sirius's life hell – you mark my words."
"Well, if that makes her happy, then let's go for it," Leila said, grinning rather wickedly.
I snorted, but said, "I think I'll do it then. I mean, I love her and I want to make her happy; I'm trying my hardest to show her that, but it's not working."
"I wouldn't be so sure," Leila told me wisely. "I think she's starting to like you."
"Is she?" I was intrigued; she had definitely been nicer to me lately, but Leila would know the truth – I had to know it too.
"Mhmm," Leila said, eager to share the information with me. "She still won't admit it straight-out, but I think I can see it."
"Really?" It was too good to be true – I had to know if Lily was starting to like me. Everything I had set out to do would come true if Lily liked me. She didn't even have to love me! All I wanted was to be on good terms with her; it was much harder than it sounded.
She thought for a moment, but said uncomfortably, "I shouldn't discuss this when she's not here to defend herself though. She's my best friend – I don't want to upset her."
I sighed with frustration, but continued to plow on with my plans. "All right, so coupons, party, singing, presents…am I missing anything?"
"What about a birthday kiss?" Leila asked teasingly.
"You know as well as I do that she would never let me do that," I said shortly.
"She's kissed you before," Leila pressed. "Try it again."
"I don't want to annoy her on her birthday," I told her. "Let's not push the envelope, shall we?"
Leila sighed. "With Lily, you have to keep pushing the envelope – if you don't, she can last forever hiding what she thinks. She's shy, and she's unsure; push her gradually and you get results."
"I guess." I sighed again and said, "All right, so are we done with planning?"
"We are?" Sirius pulled away from Kyleigh for a moment to look curiously at us. I smirked.
"Yes, we're done. But I do have one more job for you, Sirius," I said.
"What's that?" he inquired, rather warily, I noticed.
"When Lily comes downstairs for the party, give her a list of music. Let her pick the songs she likes and play those," I ordered. "Ask Peter what he likes and use that."
"C'mon then, Pete," Sirius said, gesturing for him to come to the dormitory. "I have to get this over with. Kyles, you come with us."
"Okay." She bounced up and let Sirius carry her on his back as they went upstairs. I watched them go with a strange low feeling in my chest; I had always wanted to be that close to Lily. I had always wanted her to feel the same way Kyleigh felt about Sirius. I sighed for the third time and turned back to Leila.
"Are you all right?" she asked. "You look sad."
"It's nothing," I lied. "Anyway, I need you to get her ready for the party, make sure she doesn't work, that she eats, and doesn't know about any of our plans. Bring her down when I tell you. Can you do that?"
"Sure," she said. "And hey – she's going to appreciate this. I know she is."
"Let's hope so," I said. "Now I've got to get some sleep if I want to stay awake for tomorrow – good night, Leila."
"Good night." She waved and went up to her dormitory while I went to mine. Sirius had left a messy list on my table and was already snoring away in bed. I snorted, put the list away, and got into bed myself; I had to be ready, like I told Leila.
When I got up again this morning, I had a lot yet to do. I dressed, washed up, ate a hasty breakfast consisting of a slice of buttered toast and an orange, and ran upstairs again. I checked up on the list, made sure I knew where all the decorations were, and woke up Sirius and Peter.
"Wassamatter?" Sirius asked grumpily, still half-asleep.
"It's Lily's birthday – get up," I said, poking his back.
"Meh." Sirius turned over on his side again and tried to go back to sleep.
Notice I said that he only tried.
I grabbed my wand from my bedside table, said a select word in my mind, and Sirius was dangling upside down in midair, shrieking curse words at me. I put him down, hardly able to control my laughter, but he glowered at me.
"Fine, fine," he grumbled. "Let's get ready for Evans' birthday."
"That's more like it," I said. "I'm going to breakfast though; she's bound to be there, and I have a little surprise for her."
"She has my sympathies," Sirius said with a laugh. "Don't kill her with embarrassment, Prongs; she's a fragile little Lily."
"Not anymore," I said. "But I'll keep that in mind."
With that, I walked downstairs to the Great Hall, where I scanned the Gryffindor table for Lily. I saw her sitting with Leila, and Leila was obviously trying to make her eat breakfast; the two of them were arguing, and Leila kept pointing at a plate.
"Lily! Happy birthday!" I launched myself at her part of the table, picked her out of her seat, and hugged her tightly. I loved to hug her; she reminded me of a little squeeze toy. When I finally let her breathe again, she gave me a puzzled look and asked, "Okay, where is the flirty and annoying James Potter? This one is different."
"I'm just happy for you, babe," I chirped. I instantly wanted to slap myself; why had I called her babe???
She was apparently thinking along those same lines. "Look, I really appreciate it and all, but never call me babe again," Lily said.
Trying to cover up my mistake, I laughed a little too loud and said, "Okay. That's a promise, birthday girl." I grinned at her, and she simply thanked me. There was something murky in her eyes as she said the word, but I dismissed it; I had another job to do.
"Okay, Hogwarts," I called out. "Today is Lily Evans' sixteenth birthday, and I want to ask all of you to sing to her because she's worth it. Ready?"
Lily looked like she wouldn't mind sinking through the ground with humiliation, but I didn't care; I cheerfully made the school sing for her, and they did because I was me – James Potter, Quidditch player extraordinaire. My status makes it easy to get what I want.
When it was finished, I whispered in her ear, "Happy birthday."
"Thank you," she said timidly, smiling.
Then, with the killer timing only they can have, Sirius and Peter ran over to us. Sirius grinned at Lily and, in essentials, told her happy birthday – she was quite old now. Peter just said have a good one – which was to be expected, since he didn't like her all that much – but I was grateful it was nothing worse. I managed to get them out of there without Lily trying to hurt them, which was a good thing, but I still felt it better to send them away before talking to her again.
"So, Lily…what are you doing for your birthday in the evening?" I asked, hoping I didn't sound too fishy.
"I have no doubt that Leila has arranged something or another for me to do, so whatever it is, I'll be doing that," she replied coolly, her eyes following me suspiciously.
"Okay, sounds good," I said lightly. "See you later, girls. Happy birthday again, Lily." I smiled once more at her, and then I left the Great Hall to find Sirius and Peter, who were waiting for me by the doors. We ascended the stairs then to get our bags, talking as we did.
"So you think that this is really going to work?" Peter asked.
"Yeah, I reckon so," I said. "I mean, it's her sixteenth birthday! I want to make it special for her."
"Snog her," Sirius suggested. "That's the best thing you can do for a girl."
"Not that girl," I said with a morose sigh.
Sirius shrugged. "She's not worth it, Prongs, I'm telling you."
"And I'm telling you that she is," I said with a note of definiteness. "We're done with this conversation."
"If you say so," Peter said with a sigh of his own.
We went into the common room, grabbed our bags, and dashed down to class, hoping that we weren't late – we would get in huge trouble if we were late again. Our first class was Transfiguration with Professor McGonagall, and she started as she always did – asking us to turn in our homework.
I put my hand in the air. "Professor?"
McGonagall gave me a highly aggravated look; clearly, she thought I was trying to disrupt the class before it had even begun. "Yes, Mr. Potter?"
"It's Lily's birthday," I said sweetly. "I'd love it if the class could sing to her – she's turned sixteen."
I heard Lily give an audible groan from her seat in the back of the room, and when I turned around to look at her, she had put her head in her arms. McGonagall rolled her eyes, exhaled irately, and said, "Very well. Sing if you must."
"Thank you," I said, giving her my most innocent smile. "Three, two, one, sing!"
The students, giggling at Lily's reaction, sang to her, and I made sure that I was the loudest. McGonagall even looked slightly amused by how red Lily was when she looked up, but she only said, "Thank you, Mr. Potter. Now, as I was saying, pass up your essays and get ready to take some notes – all of you."
I grinned, high-fived Sirius, and passed in my essay; it wasn't completely finished and was slightly smudged, but I didn't care – I had spent the night planning Lily's birthday, and that was more important to me than my homework.
The rest of my classes worked similar to Transfiguration – I raised my hand at the start of class and asked the various teachers if we could sing to Lily. She wasn't at all happy about it, but I liked singing to her; I imagined her enjoying it, and smiling at me. That got me through most of the day – I loved her so, so much and I was determined to prove it at the party.
After all of the classes were finally over, I got Peter, Sirius, and Kyleigh together to help beautify the common room – Leila had to keep Lily distracted. We got the decorations out of their hiding places, and began to put them up everywhere – well, actually, I just ordered everyone around, and they did it for me.
"Come on Kyleigh; stop trying to wrap Sirius in streamers," I scolded her. "Those are supposed to go around the pole right there."
"Sorry," she said with a tipsy sort of giggle as she put the streamer in the right spot. "But I don't see why I'm helping – Lily and I aren't friends."
"Well, you're Sirius's friend, and Sirius is my friend; you're stuck," I said. "Besides, she's a lovely girl – I think she deserves it."
Kyleigh smirked. "You're just biased – she's a bitch."
"She's not," I said automatically. "She hasn't told you what's been going on lately, so you're still under that impression."
"Oh, and she willingly told you?" she asked skeptically.
"No, but I figured it out," I said. "I took the trouble to get the knowledge, and now I'm trying my hardest to get her through everything in one piece."
"Good luck with that, mate," Peter said from his corner. "She's not going to let you."
"She will," I promised. "Lily Evans will see the truth one day, and on that day, I'll be waiting. You wait and see."
"I've been waiting for five years, and I've seen nothing," Sirius said.
"You can't time true love," I said. "She'll see it soon."
"Yeah, yeah," Kyleigh said, bored. "Now what am I supposed to do with these balloons?"
I showed her what to do, and after about an hour, the entire common room looked bright and festive. Everything was ready; now we had to get the rest of the Gryffindors from tea.
"Shouldn't everyone be coming back by now?" I asked.
"Yup," Sirius said, pointing at the portrait, which opened to reveal the first group of Gryffindors. Among them were Regina and Chris, I was very displeased to see.
"What have you done to this place?" Chris asked with distaste.
"We're having a surprise party for Lily," I informed him, my eyes narrowed. "Leave."
"Is it her birthday?" He looked confused.
"Yes, you worthless pile of dung," I said. "I've only been announcing that for the entire day."
"You know fully well that I don't listen to you," Chris said, glaring at me.
"Why are you throwing her a surprise party?" Regina demanded. "You never do things like that for me, and I'm your girlfriend!"
"You are not my girlfriend," I told her slowly and clearly. "You are a bitch, and I dumped you ages ago."
"No!" She took my arm and gave me her famous icy stare. "You are my boyfriend, and you are not going anywhere near Lily Evans tonight. You're staying with me."
"Bad luck, mate," Sirius said sympathetically. "At least I have a good girlfriend." To prove his point, he kissed Kyleigh, who swooned when he let her go.
Again, I was hit with that jealousy – I wanted Lily to swoon at me, but I knew she probably wouldn't any time soon. I hid this though; I gave Regina a fierce look while she wrinkled her nose at Sirius.
"Why the hell do you even talk to him?" she asked.
"He's my best friend," I told her. "Now leave."
"Not happening," Regina said, flipping her hair. "I'm going to be here, and with you, because I'm your girlfriend and you're my boyfriend."
Internally, I wanted to murder her, but externally, I kept my face emotionless. At that tense, hostile moment, Leila ran down the stairs to me, and said, "Everything looks fabulous! Shall I get Lily?"
Then she saw Regina, and her eyes hardened. "Hi, bitch."
"Nice to see you, asshole," she said.
"Oy, stop that," I said crossly. "Regina and Chris are leaving."
"Are we?" Chris gave me a smugly questioning look. "I don't think so."
I pulled my wand out, and Sirius stepped right up and took his out as well. "You are," I confirmed for him. "Sirius and I can do very, very ugly things if you don't."
"I'm not going anywhere," Regina declared.
"I'd rather not be here anyway," Chris said, rolling his eyes. "Watching you suck up to that little bitch; not my idea of fun."
"Yeah – your idea of fun is trying to seduce girls who made the mistake of trusting you," I snarled. "Now go, would you?"
He obliged (though he called me something I don't care to repeat) but I was sorry to say that Regina didn't; I wasn't sure who I hated more. Sirius shrugged, and went to start up the music; the Gryffindors were a little awkward after that conversation. Once the first few notes were struck though, Regina, Chris, Sirius, and I were forgotten. For me, it was a relief; I didn't want to talk to anyone about what I had said. I lingered near the stairs alone though, dawdling so that I could wait for Lily. I was rewarded for my patience; Lily and Leila came down the stairs then, and all of us threw streamers and confetti in the air while shouting, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LILY!"
Lily was the perfect person to throw a surprise party for; the look on her face was priceless. She fell over in astonishment (and the heels on her feet), but I pulled her up to her feet, smiling.
"Happy birthday," I said to her again.
She tried to smile at me, but she couldn't quite make herself, though I couldn't imagine why. I watched struggle with herself for a moment, but then Sirius called her for the music; she got an easy escape. I watched her go sadly, but I couldn't wallow for long; Regina found me again.
"Come on, James," she said, pulling me to the dance floor. "Dance with me." I had no choice; I was condemned to dancing with Regina, and the worst part was that I had to pretend I was enjoying it. I know that I'm a good actor, but I must be better than I thought, because everyone around me bought it. Regina, inspired, began to dance closer and closer to me; it got so bad that I had to literally push her away. She was undaunted; she kept doing what she was doing with no embarrassment whatsoever, and I wanted to die – dying was better than dancing with Regina Masters.
After an impossibly long time, I looked to the center of the circle; every Gryffindor was looking interestedly in that spot, and cheering for someone. Glad for a reason to distance Regina from my hip, I moved forward to see what was going on, and what I saw horrified me.
Someone – probably Leila – had pushed Lily to the center to dance, and she had no idea what to do. I could see it in her eyes that she wanted to run and forget about everything, and I knew that I had to help. I immediately squeezed through the crowd and whispered to her, "Need some help?"
"Please," she whispered to me. She looked so grateful to see me there; I was quite pleased.
"Leave it to me," was all I said before I began to dance with her.
There had been a time when I would have given anything to dance with Lily Evans, but this time, I didn't even have to ask – I just did what I wanted. We twirled, spun, and laughed while we did it all; it was the most fun I'd ever had. She was, admittedly, a terrible dancer, and I had to cover up her mistakes quite often. I didn't mind though; she was my Lily, and I would do anything for her – all she had to do was show that she needed it. She even smiled at me when the dance was over, and I took that as an excuse to walk with her to the side.
"That was some dance, Lil – I had fun," I said sincerely.
"You know, I kind of did too," she confessed. "Thanks for saving me."
"Ah, no problem, birthday girl," I said, grinning. She was so sweet when she was loose with me; normally she had this uptight kind of guard up, but once I got past that, she was exactly the girl I knew I had fallen in love with. Then I remembered – I had to give her the present I had thought so hard about. "Oh, wait; I almost forgot – I got you a birthday present." Well, technically, I had made it, but nobody cared about technicalities anymore.
"You didn't have to," she said.
"Yes, I did. Here you go." I presented her with a small black box, and she gave me a very mystified look.
"More jewelry?" she guessed.
"No," I said, fighting the urge to laugh. "Open it."
She took out the coupons that I had given her, and she looked up at me as though she had never seen anything like me before. Which, of course, she hadn't.
"I didn't know what to get for you, so I figured you could tell us yourself," I explained.
"Thanks," she said, the honesty obvious in her voice. "That's pretty thoughtful."
"Sirius wasn't thrilled," I said, grinning. "He said that you would use it for evil, but I told him that I knew you wouldn't."
"You have more faith in me than I do then," said Lily, her eyes twinkling with mischief I rarely saw. "Sirius's life is going to be a living hell."
"Lil, please don't torture him," I requested.
She sighed, evidently let down; that amused me much more than it should. "Oh all right; I won't make his life a living hell."
"On Sirius's behalf, thank you," I said. "Anyway, do you want me to sneak you back out to your dormitory? I'm almost positive that you don't want to be here." It was slightly disheartening, after the effort I had put into it, but I figured that if Lily wanted to be alone, then she should be able to.
"Could you?" The look on her face reminded me why I always did things like that for her.
"Sure," I said. "But…only after cake."
"No," she moaned. "No cake – please."
She was so comical when she didn't want something. "It's chocolate," I told her, grinning. "Leila told me that you love chocolate." I personally hated chocolate, but I would eat it if Lily liked it.
"I know, but I don't want cake," she insisted. "I'll cut it if you really want me to, but I'm not eating it."
That was the best offer I was going to get, and I wasn't going to waste it; "Fair enough – come on," I said as I dragged her to the cake table Leila had set up. The masterpiece of a cake Peter had managed to hunt down sat in the center, and I felt a bit of pride; we had put together quite a party.
"One more time, everyone," I yelled. "Sing her happy birthday!"
And we did – one more time. Leila and I hovered over Lily as I lit the candles and watched her make a wish to blow them out. When she was done, I decided to keep my end of the bargain; "Go," I told her in her ear as I took her to the stairs. "Happy birthday, Lils."
"Don't call me Lils, but thank you," she whispered. I got those little tingles in the small of my back as she breathed the words in my ear, and I loved them; I watched her go, feeling both the gratification of a job well done, and the unquenchable desire I always carried around for her.
The moment she went, Regina flounced over to me, furious. "You keep ditching me!" she shouted. "Come here!" She took me away to the cake, which Peter and Leila were cutting, and got us each a slice. Sirius and Kyleigh were sitting on the sofas, feeding each other little bites and kissing every few minutes, and Regina obviously expected me to do the same to her. I didn't though; I simply ate in silence, and gave her a filthy look every so often. I finished as quickly as I could, and I ran to throw it out; I did not want to be near her.
I left the party early, since there was no point in staying when Lily wasn't there, and now here I am in my dormitory; my hand is aching from all the writing I just did, and I'm exhausted. A few more Gryffindors came up after I did, but most of them are still downstairs, dancing away their sugar highs – Sirius included. Remus should be back in a couple of days, and then things will be normal once again.
Shit; I hear Regina's out looking for me. I'd better go hide in my bathroom – she never, ever looks in there if she can help it.
You've got to love Sirius and his filthy habits.
A/N: Quite honestly, I'm just proud that I actually finished this monster of a chapter. I promise; they will never be so long again, because not only was it tiring for you to read (though hopefully not boring, right?), but like James, my fingers are aching. Leave a review and make it all worth it, would you? There's plenty to tell me your reactions on.