A/N: I cut the last chapter because it wasn't important; this one, however, is rather important. :P I just hope that Snape isn't out of character...I'm terrified that he is. But I hope you like it anyhow!

Side note: The songs Soulmate, by Natasha Bedingfield, Hear Me, by Kelly Clarkson, and Everybody's Fool, by Evanescence, helped considerably with this chapter. :)

Lily

March 10th

Dear Diary,

I don't know what's wrong with me, and I don't want to think about what it is. I need to be in motion, and I need to somehow get this mood of mine on paper so that I can study it and try to understand it later. That's why I'm going to describe what's going on with everybody else right now; they're far more important than I am, and you, my beautiful, helpful diary, probably want a break from hearing all about me and my woes at every minute I have to write.

Kyleigh has not spoken to me since my birthday, but I'm okay with it; we're two very different people, and we've always led different lives – it was just a matter of time before we realized that. I'm happy, she's happy; we've both moved on. She's still going strong with Sirius, which works – they're very similar, and they keep each other in check. Their relationship is sweet, even if Sirius is the world's biggest arse.

Chris hasn't spoken to me since my birthday either, when James shooed him away, and I prefer it that way. I hear he's going out with another girl, Kristen Cleary; I wish her the best of luck if Chris decides he likes her. I'm fine without him though – I just feel fortunate that he didn't succeed in his twisted plans. As for Regina; she's still happily stalking James, and being her usual bitchy self. No surprises there.

Remus – my sweet, lovely Remus – is fine as well; he's with James and the crew as usual, but he too looks healthier. I don't know what caused that to happen, but whatever it is, I hope it's working for him as much as it seems to be. Peter is, of course, his usual brainless self; life has maintained a normal order, and I feel like things are starting to fall into place.

Well, almost; I'm not in place just yet.

See, I'm still in love with James, and I don't know what to do about it. I want to be with him, but at the same time, I'm not sure if I could love him right. I know it sounds odd, to be hearing something like that coming from me, but what I mean is that he's James. James is…just James. He needs the right girl because he's the definition of excellence. He knows exactly what he wants and he has it all – he just needs the girl and he's set for life. That means that the girl he needs should be absolutely perfect; I am the very last thing from perfect, even if I feel like a new person now, and I know that I could never give him what he's looking for. So I'm lost again – I'll find my way soon, I know; it's just that I don't know when 'soon' specifically is.

Who else can I write about? Hmmm…oh yes, Snape. Unfortunately, I know that Snape isn't doing well; not well at all. See, today, when I was on my way to Potions, he caught up to me in the corridor. I couldn't say I was pleased with that, but I didn't care all that much either; he was just Snape. It wasn't like he was someone I would be nervous around. In a way, I liked Snape for that – he never put me under any pressure, and didn't seem to mind me the screwed-up way I was.

"Hey Lils," he said casually.

"Please don't call me Lils," I requested. It was a well-known fact that only my close friends could call me that, and though Snape was somewhat bearable, he was not a close friend at all.

"Sorry," he apologized. "So…how are you?"

"All right," I said with a sigh. "You?"

"I guess you could say I'm all right," he said.

I smiled briefly, but I couldn't think of what to say next; we were stuck with an awkward silence. Finally though, Snape cleared his throat and asked, "Lily, would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me some time?"

I had to process this question for a full fifteen seconds before I realized that he was serious. "What?" I inquired anyway, feeling as though I was struck dumb.

"I just…I was wondering if you wanted to go to Hogsmeade with me," he repeated, blushing very slightly.

"Do you mean as a date, or as a friend?" I was being blunt, but I had to know what he meant so that I didn't answer incorrectly.

"Either, really," he said. "Do you want to?"

I bit my lip. "Look, Severus, I don't think that's a good idea. I just don't feel that way about you – I mean, we hardly know each other. Besides that, your friends absolutely hate me because I'm Muggleborn – what would they say?"

"It doesn't matter much," he insisted. "And if you went with me, then it would help us to get to know each other."

I sighed. "Sev, please don't take this the wrong way, but I can't possibly go out with you. I'm sorry."

He kept his face as emotionless as he could, but I knew that I'd upset him. "It's fine. Really. I know how to take a hint."

I was about to say I was truly sorry, that I didn't him like he thought I did, but he left before I could utter a single word. He didn't look at me either. I felt awful for rejecting him – I was sure he thought I was cruel and heartless – but at the same time, what could I have done? I couldn't go out with Severus Snape; he would take it the wrong way, people would think I liked him when I didn't, and it would be a gigantic mess. I didn't want to deal with it. Besides, I was in love with James – if James thought I was going out with him, then not only would Snape's life become hell for no reason, but he might give up on me.

If there was one thing I didn't want, it was that I didn't want him to give up on me. I'm horrible, I'm overemotional, and I make mistakes, but I never want him to give up on me.

Okay, so I know I said I wouldn't go into how I'm feeling, but I can't help it; I have to. I've been eating and I've been studying less – consequently gaining more weight, which, according to Leila, is a good thing – but I feel…empty yet exploding. I'm touchy, like I used to be, and I want to put my head down and just give it up. I feel like I'm living a lie – everyone thinks I'm happy and thriving, but I'm not. I'm feeling crappy and I want to die. I've got everyone fooled – I never really was okay, but they all think I am. I don't know myself anymore; I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to feel. I want to be simple and easy to understand, but I'm not; my father used to joke that I had so many moods that I could be twenty different people, and right now, I think he might be right. I don't want that though – I want to be one, easy little person that doesn't have to feel the way I am.

No one can see how I really feel, both because they're blind and because I'm not very open about stuff like that.

No one can hear me screaming for simplicity, both because they're deaf and because they're always silent screams.

No one can get near me, both because they don't feel the need to and because I don't want to let them.

When that's how I live my life, how am I supposed to get better? If I never let anyone in, how am I supposed to find the one that's going to fix me up and make me a real person again?

Someone, please; just hear me, see me, and feel me – make me normal again because I've had enough.

James

March 10th

Dear Diary,

Remember a month ago when I wrote about that map idea Sirius, Peter, and I had? We had said we would talk to Remus about it, but we never got the opportunity to, because of recent events; today, however, when classes ended, we did talk about it at last.

It was Peter who brought the subject up as we lazed around in our empty dormitory; we were doing nothing of consequence, and he said, "So…should we tell him?"

"What?" Sirius looked up and wrinkled his nose. "What are we telling who?"

"Remus," said Peter. "Aren't we telling him about that idea we had?"

"Oh yeah," Sirius said, catching on. "Oy, Moony, we need your help with something."

"I'm almost afraid to ask what you're planning," Remus responded warily. "What's the latest idea?"

"It's this map," I said. "We want to call it the Marauder's Map, with our nicknames on it – you know, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. We plan to put all the secret passages of the school on it so that we have something to reference when we're out on midnight adventures."

"Hmmm…" Remus looked thoughtfully at the ground.

"It would work," Sirius insisted. "We know more about the school than anyone else does! We could make it, and then we could even sell copies!"

"How much could we charge?" Peter began to contemplate the matter. "How about fifteen Galleons?"

"Excellent," Sirius said, grinning. "Overpriced stuff sold by us always goes fast. Besides, this is useful."

"I thought we agreed that we were only using it for ourselves," I said. "Peter, you agreed with me."

"But…don't you like money?" he asked, trying to tempt me.

"This should just be for us, wouldn't you say, Moony?" I turned to Remus, who was still deep in thought, seeking his approval.

"I'd have to agree with James on this one, boys," Remus said to Peter and Sirius. "You know I don't approve of selling secrets of the school. Remember what happened when you tried to sell away the knowledge of the Room of Requirement?"

"Oh yeah," Sirius said, reminiscing with a wince. "The Room closed itself up, people got mad, and we lost all of our money."

"Yeah," Remus said. "So we're keeping this one to ourselves, all right?"

"Excellent," I said, beaming. "So does this mean we're doing it?"

"Yes," Remus said. "Since we've got a bit of time, why don't you three start sketching an outline of the castle?"

"What about you?" Peter inquired.

"I want to take a look in my books for little charms we can put on our map to keep it safe from outside eyes," he clarified. "I have a few ideas, but I want to look at the logistics."

"Sounds awful boring," Sirius said. "You do that – we'll draw. You're a terrible artist anyway, Moony, no offense."

"None taken," Remus said easily as he opened up a textbook. "You're a terrible essay-writer; I've seen the things you've turned in."

Sirius stuck his tongue out at Remus, though he didn't see it, before pulling out his quill.

So that's pretty much all we've been doing all afternoon; drawing and researching. Remus did stumble on some useful information, but he refused to tell us what it was – apparently, we're going to find out later when the time is right. Typical Remus; while Sirius is a bad essay-writer, Remus can't be mysterious to save his life.

Despite that though, Sirius, Peter, and I have sketched out the first three floors of Hogwarts; they look pretty good, if I do say so myself. Sirius is still a bit sour that we can't make any money off of our creation, but Remus always tells him to please shut up and let him concentrate. In retaliation, Sirius likes to call Remus names under his breath while Remus pretends not to hear them, even though he does. Peter draws while they do that, and I simply watch the scene with amusement; though they like to argue a lot, I love hanging around with them.

However, on that note, I really must be going; Peter has managed to make a royal mess of the map, and I need to stop Sirius from murdering him. Wish me luck.

A/N: Yes, how horribly lazy of me by the end of James's right there – I really am sorry, but I might have to diagnose myself with writer's block soon. This chapter was fairly crappy, so I'm sorry about that, but review anyway?