A/N: Okay, huge angst alert here – Lily's entry is a huge mess of drama. James's isn't; I'll let you decide what James's is about. There is no interaction between the two in this one, but I have enough to keep you busy here. ;D Enjoy!

Oh yes, and you're right – this is a repost. I didn't like the first version I put up, so I took it down and edited it again. I still don't like this one, but whatever; hope it works, because I'm at a loss to know what to do with it.

Side note: Lily's entry was inspired by this gorgeous song, Anywhere, by Evanescence, and was helped a little bit by the songs I Hate Myself For Losing You and Addicted, both by Kelly Clarkson.

Lily

April 14th

Dear Diary,

I'm too late.

Yes, I'm too late. I did love James, but I can't anymore because he and Regina are dating more seriously now. They'd been dating before too, and I'd known that, but he's made it clear that he's no longer interested in me. I do know that I'm horrible to him and I don't deserve him and all that, but at the same time, why did he pick the biggest bitch in the school? Why not some other girl who was better? And why do they talk about fiery dooms as hell when hell is really not knowing what his intentions are or what I'm going to do about it?

As I go to sleep, his face is the last thing I see. I yearn for him during the times when I can't sleep at all, and the hollow feeling starts plaguing my stomach again. I dream about him constantly now – sometimes it's weird stuff that I'm not going to go into, or it's just him marrying me and being happy with me. If I could pick a dream to be reality, I would pick those; I just want him – any bit of him – and it hurts that I've missed my chance completely. Any fantasy I had about him waiting it out for me is gone; I have to accept it.

It's absolutely atrocious, this emotional hell of mine; that horribly powerful emotion is clawing at my insides, begging me to give it James, while I try to tell it that I can't have James. I don't have energy for anything anymore, and during my free periods, I lie on my bed. It takes every bit of strength I still have to get up and go back to class, and after I get to my seat, it feels like I have run a great distance and need to sleep. Love is not a beautiful thing; love is a disease – the most painful type there is. Love hurts me, and makes my life miserable; I don't want to be in love.

From all of this, at least I have learned something valuable; true love exists, and this is it. If this isn't true love, then I don't know what it can be; isn't it that feeling where you'd do anything for that one person? Where you part the crowd full of people only to find that one face – the only face that really matters? Where you are willing to kill yourself five times over just to see him once? Where your name sounds like the sweetest orchestral lullaby when it comes out of his mouth? Where even though you've had your heart broken before, you are still willing to give what little you have left to him? It has to be true love; it just has to be. Too bad it took him ignoring me to realize it.

Dreaming is the only escape I really have, besides you, diary. The other night, I had a dream that shocked me though, and I must write about it; it may help calm me down, because I was pretty hysterical. Here is what happened…

I was crying in the dormitory, and then James came in the door. He asked me why I was crying, and I told him it was because I failed all my O.W.L.'s. He told me that it was all right; why was I crying? He was going to marry me today, didn't I remember? We were going to run away, and he was going to take care of me; we'd be together, the way we always wanted to be. He lifted me up to my full height and kissed me deeply - the way I've only ever wished I could be kissed.

We kissed and kissed…I was lost in that part of the dream, lost in the majesty of it. He was perfect, our kiss was perfect; everything was perfect, for once in my life. He held me in his arms and kissed me, making me feel like I could fly. The hand that was not holding me up to him moved around my face, touching every part of it, and then moved to my own hands. He squeezed them tightly and continued to kiss me, hugging me while he did it, assuring me silently that he would never let me go. I trusted him; I loved him.

The dream changed then; he stopped kissing me and told me that he had made a mistake; our wedding was off and we were not going to run away. He told me that I was quite unsightly, and he could not possibly love a girl with a face like mine. He said all kinds of things, most of them being along the lines of him needing a girl who was perfect, and I was not the kind of perfection he wanted. I begged him not to leave me; I loved him and I needed him. He just shook his head and told me that I wasn't good enough; I was hideous and I didn't deserve him.

He turned away from me at this point and apologized for leading me on as he walked away. I screamed after him that I loved him, and I could change myself to be whatever he wanted if he'd let me. He didn't seem hear me, no matter how loudly I called to him. I burst into tears again as I tried to chase him, but he was always just out of my reach. Then, Regina ran up to him and he smiled at her, smiled the way he used to do when he saw me. He hugged her, and told her she was beautiful – perfect in every way. He kissed her the way he had kissed me, and didn't pay me any more attention.

The scene changed yet again with my anguished sobs; I was at their wedding a few months later. I was wearing rags, I was filthy, and I had no money, but I had managed to crash the wedding. Regina and James were getting married and I was invisible; a tramp girl on the side. Regina was in a flowing, airy white wedding dress; the kind James had promised to buy for me when we were going to get married. She carried royal blue lilies; with a fresh pang, I remembered that he used to call me his Royal Lily when he and I had made plans to get married. The cake was white chocolate; my favourite. The two of them became husband and wife before my very eyes then, and when they kissed, it was the same as the first time I saw it; it was the same as the one he had shared with me. I ran out of the wedding chapel, still in tears, but James magically appeared in front of me in his tuxedo, and Regina was at his side – the vision of perfection.

"Little Lily," he said softly, touching my ratty hair. "What have you done to yourself?"

"I failed my O.W.L.'s and I couldn't get a job," I whispered. "You didn't take me away; you didn't marry me like you said you would."

"This is why I didn't marry you," he explained. "You're a mess; I wouldn't want a wife like you. Regina is perfect, and you are not."

"You used to love me," I reminded him the same whisper. "Why can't you love me now? I'm the same person."

"I didn't really love you the way I thought, Lil," he said regretfully. "You are not what I wanted. I used to love you because that was before I met Regina; I know now that Regina is the woman I love, not you."

"I love you, James," I sobbed. "Marry me."

"I can't," he told me. "You're pitiful Lily; you just watched me get married, and you know that I can't be with you, so why do you try?"

"Because you loved me!" I shrieked. "I want you to love me again!"

"Why do you even talk to her?" Regina asked him, her white teeth glimmering in the sunshine. "She is a failure; I passed all my O.W.L.'s. Come with me now and we'll run away together."

"I think that sounds great," James said to her, smiling magnificently as he looked back at her. "I love you, Regina."

"I love you too," Regina answered as she kissed him once more. "Let's leave this deplorable girl alone; she is not worthy of our time."

"You're right, as always, Gina," he agreed, kissing her again. "We shall go now."

So they left me – alone and unloved – by the wedding chapel as they rode away on James's broomstick. I cried rivers, I cried lakes, I cried oceans; James never came back for me, and I was forced to marry Severus. He was the only one who could look at me without cringing, and I was the most wretched person in the world; James didn't love me, so nothing was worth it anymore.

When I woke up from this dream, I was drenched in cold sweat and I was terrified. I ran for a drink of water, and checked to make sure Regina was still in her bed and not off somewhere with James; she was still there, thankfully, but I had never known that she snored so much. I made a mental note to mention that to James if he ever did actually marry her. I still get shivers when I think of that dream though; it was the single most disturbing thing my imagination has ever presented me with – partly because seeing James kiss another girl makes my systems explode and because Regina is a bitch who doesn't deserve him, and is definitely not at all perfect. I was also hating my dream because it was a reflection of my very worst fears of the moment; James giving me his love, and then taking it away with no warning at all, leaving me alone and crying my eyes out. Even in the dream, the pain was very real, and it cut me up in a way words can't really capture. I'll always love him, but I am terrified of what he could do to me when he decided that I was not enough. That's why I don't let myself get into a relationship with him; I just don't think I could stand the pain of it all.

I think that somewhere in the middle of this mess, Leila woke up. I was in bed, shaking and making all sorts of noises, and she came over to me, half asleep. She asked me if I was all right, and I said that I just had a nightmare; I would be fine. She was too sleepy to care, so she nodded and went back to bed, but I continued to quake in bed, hugging my knees tightly as though this would somehow help me. Leila was asleep within a few minutes, but it had been a really long time before I fell asleep myself.

Now that I am recalling this dream and trying to push away these thoughts of unpleasantness, I have come to realize that I wish we could really run away together, like we had planned on doing in the beginning. That would be ideal; we could go to some unknown place far away, where nobody would know who we were. The people nearby wouldn't have previous judgments on us to use against us; everything would be new, and we could start over on our lives together. I could kiss him without worrying about who was watching, or what they would think; we would be two young lovers who only wanted to be together. Nobody could think badly of us and we would be happy – not just the shallow happiness that normal couples felt, but a real happiness; the happiness of two people who were truly in love, and who could live their lives peacefully with each other.

We could travel; we could go all over England, and then go to Germany, France, and Italy. We could go anywhere, everywhere, and we'd be together. I'd have no one but him, and that would be all I would need. We could get a job in the right city, and we could live our lives there – start over, like I said. We could forget about this place, about the hateful people in it. No one could stop us; it would just be James and me, and that's all it would ever have to be. I would sleep next to him every night, and when I awoke, he would be there, ready to smile at me and melt my heart like he does every day. It would be heaven on earth; we would nothing more than a few pairs of clothes and a couple of other small things, and we'd get whatever else if and when we needed them. We'd have each other though – that would be more than enough. Hiding our love would not be necessary – we could wear it for the world to see, and wouldn't have to think twice about it.

But I know that I can't do that – I'm stuck here, in Hogwarts. People have their stupid judgments, James does not love me anymore, and everything in the world could stop me from what I want. I'm only a boring little Hogwarts teenager, dreaming of a love that I know I can never have while writing in a diary; nothing magical can ever happen to me. James Potter and I were and still are never meant to be; he will always be everything and I will always be nothing.

He's done, I'm done. Is there anything left to say?

James

April 14th

Dear Diary,

Wow; a lot has happened in just the past three days, and it's going to take me a bit of time to explain it all. I still can't believe half of it, actually; I really can't. Why? Well, one of the things that have happened is that I'm dating Regina "seriously," as Hogwarts students usually put it, and another is that I've pretended to give up on Lily Evans.

So here's the thing – I know I was mad at Lily a couple of days ago. I know I was freaking out, and in truth, I still am curious about a few those questions that came up. But I'm okay now; I was just pessimistic and angry – I'm only human after all. I'm still in love with her; I just have to pretend that I don't. See, Regina bad-mouths Lily…a lot. I hate hearing it, because none of it is true; to shut her up, I just pretend that I don't care about Lily anymore. That keeps her quiet, but unfortunately, that means I have to put on an act for everyone else, including Lily herself. However, I don't hate her at all – I still care deeply about her – and that's something that I need to establish right now, because the extremes I have to go to keep Regina happy are pretty frightening.

Like, take yesterday for example – I was out with Gina, at The Three Broomsticks, and I'd bought her a butterbeer. She was drinking it, and then she told me, "You know, this is one of the smartest things you've ever done, James."

"What?" I had to have heard her wrong; what had I done that was so smart?

"Going out with me," she said, taking another sip. "And forgetting about that bitch Jasmine."

"Her name is Lily," I amended for her through gritted teeth.

"It was a flower either way," Regina said dismissively. "Anyway, it's one of the smartest things you've done so far – I think we're a better couple, don't you agree?"

Somehow resisting the urge to scream bloody murder and hit her, I muttered, "Of course I agree."

"Good." She smiled serenely and kissed my mouth. "I love you, Jamesie."

"I. Love. You. Too," I said robotically.

Her smile widened, and she finished her drink; that meant it was time for her to usher me to the stores of Hogsmeade to pick out clothes, fuss over them, and ask me which one I liked best. I quite honestly hated all of the ones she picked, so it was a miserable exercise that she enjoyed doing every time we went out. I managed to cut it short by insisting I had homework left to do, but it was a pretty close call nonetheless.

Still, despite all of that, I needed to get some answers. I needed to know if any of my feelings were returned at all, and if Lily wouldn't tell me, I would have to go to the next best thing – her best friend. I found Leila in the common room early this morning; Lily wasn't there – in her dormitory, I expected. But I sat down next to her on the sofa and I got straight to the point, like I always do.

"Leila, I need to ask you a few things about Lily," I said urgently.

"Okay," she said. "What do you want to know?" That was one of the great things about Leila – she was easy to get information out of. I did feel sort of guilty about being so underhand to get what I wanted, but at the same time, I deserved to know these things if Lily didn't tell me herself, didn't I? She'd forced me through emotional hell all year; couldn't I break the rules at least a little? I decided I could and I would.

"Does she like me?" It's always best to start off with the biggest question, I always say.

"It's hard to say, but I think she does," Leila told me. "The thing about Lily is that she hates being open about affection; she'll act like she hates someone's guts when really, she likes them or feels something she won't say. The main way to tell if it's true love or a fake hatred is to badger her; if she's uncomfortable, she loves that person. If not, she'll be clear about it."

"I see," I said. "But has she been all right lately? She's always given off a stressed aura whenever I talk to her."

"She isn't," Leila said with a sigh. "I don't know what to do with her! I don't talk to her much right now, but she always looks so upset; she won't tell me what's bothering her, she freaks out over the littlest things, and last night, she woke up in the middle of the night, screaming her lungs out, and I don't know if she went back to sleep afterwards. She needs something – she just won't say what."

"What was she screaming about last night?"

"I was half-asleep myself, so I can't be sure, but I think it was your name," Leila said, trying to recall the incident. "She said something like, 'No, James, I love you!' I could be wrong though, so don't quote me on it."

"She can't have said she loved me," I said at once. "It must have been something else. But either way; what are you going to do about her?"

"Just let her hang in there until she's ready to open up, I'm thinking." She sighed. "I just feel awful; I don't know what the hell is going on in my best friend's head nor will she let me."

"If you don't, nobody will," I assured her. "Don't worry about it. But thanks a lot; you know, for answering my questions."

"No problem." She smiled at me. "And though we both know I've been crushing on you for as long as Lily has hated you, I'm totally fine if you don't really care about me and want to continue pursuing Lily."

I had no real response to that, so I said, "Erm, thanks Leila."

She laughed. "Bye James."

I left her then, and I walked into my dormitory, Lily occupying my mind again. But, when I went in, I found Kyleigh and Sirius on Sirius's bed together, wearing nothing but horrified expressions at my arrival.

"Bloody hell! Do you mind?" Sirius shouted at me.

"Holy shit! Lock the door, goddamn it!" I rushed out at once; that had been far more of Kyleigh and Sirius than I had needed to see in a lifetime. However, after about two minutes, Kyleigh came out of the dormitory (fully clothed, thankfully) and left without looking once at me. I crept into the room cautiously, but Sirius was also dressed – just buttoning his pants. When he saw me, he glared.

"Would it kill you to knock before you come in?" he asked.

"It's a dormitory – the basic rules are that if the door is locked, you knock and then go in, but if it's open, you go in right away," I pointed out. "Besides, you normally do that at night, not now."

"We had some time, and Kyleigh is amazing at seduction," Sirius defended himself.

"What is this, your fourth time having sex with her?" I thought about it. "Yeah, I think it's your fourth, from what you've told us. Is she a keeper?"

"I think so," Sirius chirped contentedly. "I've been going out with her for a few months now – that's a miracle in itself."

I snorted. "Well, I'm very happy for you two, but I've got Lily problems."

"Again?" Sirius groaned. "I thought you were over her and were going out with that other bitch! What was her name?"

"Regina," I said. "But I'm not over Lily yet – of course I'm not. I'm still going for her, but for now I have to pretend that I'm not because I'm trying to break up with Regina, which won't happen if she thinks I'm still in love with Lily. Does that make any sense?"

"Yup," Sirius said sympathetically. "That's what happened when I was trying to get Conquest 23; number 22 was that one seventh year, Penelope, and I liked her sister, Giselle. I had to pretend that I hated Giselle to get Penny off my back, and then I got together with Giselle a couple of hours later…but we broke up after a week because Penny found out and got really pissed."

"Oh yeah, I remember that." I allowed myself a short laugh, but said, "But you know how you always felt so…pressured, that you had to keep your affections for Giselle quiet from Penny, who was pretty overpowering? I'm feeling that right now, and I don't know what to do; this is one of the few things Remus can't advise me on."

"Gee, thanks for using me," Sirius said sarcastically. "But anyway, it's not that big of a deal; you just have to keep your mouth shut and the chick won't suspect a thing. If you let something slip though, you're in trouble – I accidentally told Conquest 8 that I liked the girl who became Conquest 9, and she beat the shit out of me."

"I can keep my mouth shut," I said confidently. "You've already made me feel better, Pads; thanks."

"No problem." Sirius grinned. "Good luck with both of your bitches."

"One bitch," I corrected. "And one angel in human form."

Sirius chose not to remark on that, but shooed me out of the room so that he could take a shower. I left, and upon leaving, I found Remus and Peter walking in.

"Hey, do you know where Padfoot is?" Peter asked. "McGonagall wants him and me in her office – something about not doing our homework."

"Inside, taking a shower," I said, gesturing at the dormitory. "Don't go in."

"Sirius? Taking a shower at this time?" Remus wrinkled his nose with confusion. "He never does that."

"You don't want to know the reasoning behind it," I assured him. "But I have to get going; I have to…to tell Regina that I love her, even though I don't, and then gawk at Lily at every opportunity I have. Yeah, that sounds about right."

"What a strange life you lead, Prongs," Peter said pityingly, smiling anyway. "Have fun."

"Of course I will." I smirked. "See you."

I waved good-bye to my friends, but as I did, I realized that I now had a mission to fulfill – I had to somehow tell the school and Regina that I hated Lily, make sure Lily knew that I was truly in love with her despite what I had said before, and break up with Regina within the next few days.

I don't know how I'm going to do any of that; none of those tasks are going to be easy, the way things are looking right now.

Help?

A/N: So yeah…that was this chapter, obviously. xD I hope you liked it; though there was drama, I tried my best to insert some comic relief. Now, this chapter may seem a little bit pointless, but it's meant to be that way – I'm setting up for the next chapter, where things will actually happen. :)

Another thing I want to tell you – I changed the outline (yes, again – hush) and I can officially say that I only have 9 chapters until the story is done. :O Crazy, isn't it?