A/N: Sorry for the slow update, you guys; I'm suffering from block again, and I've had a ton of homework from my honors classes. But now that Regina's out of the way, you probably want Lily to move in to James. Well, for once, I'm about to give you what you want! Aren't you excited? Ha, I bet you are. But I'm not going to stick them together right away (yes, I can hear you groaning from your computer wherever you are in this big, big world, lol) – I'm going to set up for it in this chapter, and actually make it all happen next chapter. So for now, just sit tight, read this (I actually think it's all right! Yay!), and hope I have the time to make the next chapter happen, since it's the turning point of the fic. :P

Songs to listen to:

Lily: Poison (I prefer the Groove Coverage version), Open Your Eyes (LMNT), and Speechless (The Veronicas).

James: The song Battle (Colbie Caillat) is perfect when he's addressing Lily; otherwise, there's Be Your Love (Rachel Yamagata) and Everywhere (Michelle Branch).

Lily

May 5th

Dear Diary,

I'm getting a tiny bit worried.

It's because of you, actually, diary. I'm scared for you; since you're my diary and all, you know everything about me, including things I don't tell other people. You are my sanctuary, and if anyone found/read what was in you, I think I'd die. That's why I'm going to protect you a little more vigorously than usual (if that's possibly, anyway) until the end of the year – I don't want any of my secrets out there, because that would just about destroy me.

It may seem that I'm getting too over-protective at a very random time, but actually, I'm not, which scares me. I started to worry after the Quidditch semi-finals; Leila and I, being Gryffindor supporters, made our pilgrimage to the stadium to dutifully watch the match, though I still kept a book and an umbrella to deflect flyaway Quidditch balls anyway. James was playing, obviously, and he was still full of flirtatious gestures to show me during the game. Other times, when he had done that, I had hidden my face and burned with hatred; this time though, I kept a straight face – no emotion, no nothing. I was a bitch, yet he was still flirting with me; what was there to say about something like that?

Leila kept trying to make me wave back, but I didn't allow her to; I just took my hand away and continued to concentrate at how many points our Chasers were scoring (James scored six by himself, but who was counting?). We won the match, which was very good, of course, but I wasn't all that excited; it was just Quidditch. Sure, I'd celebrate for the final victory at the very end of the year, but that was because I'd have the time to care – now, I'm very busy cramping for the O. W. L.'s again. During the middle of the year, I kind of slacked off because of the weirdness around me; I'm paying for it now by working like a madwoman. It tires me out, but I know it'll all be worth it. However, one of the prices I pay is having no other life or interests during my study time, which clearly sucks, but what can I do besides hold on and hope for the best?

After the match was over and we were allowed to go inside, Leila began to talk about how I should definitely tell James I was in love with him. Now that we were both over that emotional speed-bump of me falling too hard to be healthy for him, she was ready to be her usual bubbly self, trying to push me into something I should probably take and wouldn't.

"Really, you should," she said. "He is so in love with you, you couldn't even imagine it!"

"Quite frankly, I doubt that," I said as we continued to walk. "I mean, I love him in ways I never thought I'd ever love anyone. How can that arrogant prick Potter feel the same way about me? His system would crash – he just can't."

"You know as well as I do that he's a sweet, sensitive guy," Leila almost reprimanded me. "He adores you; just tell him that you return his feelings! I mean, it would probably help him sleep better at night, knowing that the love of his life at least likes him back."

"We've been over this," I said. "He was tired of falling in love with bitches like me and Regina; whatever might have happened between us has already been destroyed. End of story."

"You are so damn stubborn," she complained.

"I'm just careful," I clarified. "I know what's meant to be and what isn't – I've done this before, Leils, and I don't like what I end up with. I guess true, available love just isn't going to find me." It hurt to admit that, but it was reality – James wasn't in love with me anymore, no matter how much I wanted him to be.

"That's because you kept looking in the wrong places," Leila said. "He was right there, the whole time! He's always been there for you, doing nothing but waiting for you to get it together – all you have to do is open your bloody eyes, run into his arms, and let him take you!"

"Stop," I said sharply. "I know I'm in love. I know that it's real, it's true, and it's everything love should be, but that doesn't mean that it's just going to work. So many 'meant-to-be' relationships haven't worked; what makes you so sure that ours is one of them?"

"Because you're Lily and he's James," Leila said simply. "And you're in love. That's enough to make it work."

I looked at her, at a loss for words; what she was saying was good for me – go and just bloody tell him – but at the same time, I couldn't explain that tightening sensation in my lower intestines that kept me from doing it for months. I tried to formulate sentences, but at that moment, James himself appeared at my side, beaming, almost frightening me.

"Hey Lils," he said brightly. "Great match, eh? On to the finals!"

"Don't call me that, and it was nice," I said coolly. "You guys did a good job."

His face fell a little at my lack of enthusiasm. "Did you watch?"

"Of course I watched," I said, miffed. "I watched the entire thing, thank you very much. I just don't have much to say about it."

"Excuse her," Leila said for me. "She's a bit challenged when it comes to being excited. Anyway, do you think the team's ready for the finals?"

"Hell yes!" James let out a loud whoop. "It's going to be fantastic, and I'm counting on you two girls to watch – will you?"

"Yeah," Leila said, grinning. "Oh, and Lily has something to tell you."

"I do?" She couldn't be doing this; she knew I would kill her.

"Yes; you tell him and I'll see you both later." She grinned, pushed me towards James, and ran off; she was as good as dead. I was about to chase after her and kick her upside the head, but James didn't operate that way – he simply put his arm around my shoulder and began to take me down to the castle.

"Stop that," I said. "You're going to get mud all over my robes." I shook him away and tried to go ahead, but being an athlete, he caught up to me effortlessly.

"Sorry," he said, even though chances were that he wasn't sorry at all. "So Lils; what did you have to tell me?"

"First of all, my name is Lily, not Lils," I said. "And second of all, I didn't have anything to tell you; it was just Leila being stupid."

"Well, I'm glad, because I had to talk to you anyway," he said. "What's going on with you? You haven't spoken to me at all in nearly a week; normally you at least yell at me, but you haven't even been doing that."

"I thought that would have been obvious by now," I said coldly. "After what you said."

"What did I say?"

"Oh, like you don't know," I said, my voice rising. "Why do you still flirt with me? It's completely contradictory. Although, I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised; you live to confuse me."

"What are you talking about?" James demanded, all cheeriness gone by this point. "I honestly don't know what I did this time; care to tell me?"

"I'm talking about you calling me a bitch!" I hollered at him. "You said it about me the afternoon you broke up with Regina; you called me a bitch, and you thought I'd never hear about it! Well, you're wrong; I know, and I don't appreciate it."

"What?" He wrinkled his nose as he always did when he was thinking something through, but then his expression turned into one of understanding. "Oh, you mean that? Lil, it's not what you think –"

"Oh? So what was it, then?" I asked bitterly. "Was it your twin brother over there, breaking up with Regina and calling me a bitch? Were you under Veritaserum? Did Sirius dare you to do it?"

"Lily, I swear on every living relative I have that I didn't mean to call you a bitch," he said genuinely. "I was angry; I was shouting at Regina, she asked me if I thought you were a bitch when she knew I was too out-of-control to know what I was saying, and I didn't even answer – I just said 'whatever,' and she, as well as everyone else, took that as a yes. I'm so sorry if you thought I hated you."

I wanted to believe him – really, I did. But I didn't; I said, "That does change things, but I don't know…"

"Get to know," he said. "I love you; I may get mad at you sometimes, but that's understandable – I'm never going to hate you."

It didn't matter that his hands (and now my arms) were caked with dirt, it didn't matter that we were in the middle of a huge crowd of people; it didn't even matter that I wanted to throw him off the Astronomy Tower moments before – all that mattered was the intense stare that he gave me following his statement. I took a deep breath, and I told him, "This won't work out. We've talked about this before – we just aren't going to be together. Ever."

"There are so many things that won't work out in our lives, Lil, but our relationship isn't one of them," he said. "You have to trust me – let me in."

If only he knew how much I wanted to do just that…but at the same time, if only he knew why I couldn't. I opened my mouth to say something, but he gently touched my chin to make it close.

"C'mon; we'll continue this discussion in the common room," he said in my ear as he tried to whisk me away. However, I held my ground, and I said, "There's nothing more to discuss. Just stop it, James; I'm not ready for this." I finally broke free of his arms, and feeling like I'd left a chunk of me behind with him, I ran to the castle; I had to be alone.

I went to my dormitory and I grabbed you out of my drawer, obviously, since I would need to write, and I went down to the common room. When I got there though, I got a surprise; it was Leila, who was in the middle of hysterics – I could decipher her usual conflict of excitement and horror. I approached her, suspicious. "What happened?" I asked her.

"Lily, you would not believe this," she said, giggling nervously.

"What?" I asked again, curious as I put you on the table.

"Peter Pettigrew asked me out!" She screamed. "He honestly asked me out!"

"You're joking!" I screamed back. "Tell me everything!"

And she did – apparently, she had been coming back from the Quidditch pitch when Peter had found her. He asked her what she thought of the game and other related, useless filler questions before he actually expressed a desire to go with her to Hogsmeade; when she got to that point in the story, she refused to look at me, though I didn't know why.

"So what did you say?" I questioned. "Tell me!"

"I said I'd think about it," she said. "What should I tell him, Lils?"

"An honest answer," I said. "No. It would be better for him to get the truth right now as opposed to later, right?"

"That is right," Leila agreed. "I think I'll just tell him no. I mean, if James asked me out, that would be different. But if it's Remus, Sirius, or Peter, then no way."

"What's wrong with Remus?" I asked, stung on his behalf.

"He's just too…" Leila began to fidget and flail her arms like she always did when she was trying to find the words which weren't coming to her. "He's so quiet. I could never be able to live with the silences he would be sure to provide. Besides, he doesn't even like me, so it doesn't matter."

"Remus talks," I said resentfully. "I've had intelligent, wholesome, helpful conversations with him before, and quite frankly, I wish I'd end up with him rather than James."

"Well, he's not my type," Leila said. "I prefer the cuter, more rebellious types; Remus is about as rebellious as a hard-boiled egg."

"I suppose, but I adore Remus, and I think that if he asked you out, you should say yes," I said shortly. "You never know; he might be the right one for you."

"How about if I go out with Peter, you go out with James?" Leila suggested, a mischievous look in her eyes.

I glared at her, but took a deep, slow breath to clear my thoughts and resist the urge to strangle her. "No. You are not going to go out with Peter and I am not going to out with James; that's fine."

"Fine," Leila said, giggling. "But hey – you get the treat of a lifetime if you do what you know what you want to do; I think it's a damn fair deal."

"Yeah, you go think that while I ignore you," I said, turning away.

"You are so in denial," she accused me. "Admit what you feel. But not to me – to him."

"Telling you was hard enough," I insisted. "Leave me alone."

Leila sighed dramatically. "Fine, fine; I'm sorry. I just get excited. I know you guys could work out – I just know it. The hell of it is that you don't let it work out."

"I want it to work – really, I do," I said. "But anyone that I let near me can hurt me; I don't want to that to happen again. It's hard enough when other people do it – if James does it, I don't think I'd be able to get over it; the stakes are just too high."

"Take a chance," she said to me seriously. "Lily, do you ever want to be happy?"

"Of course I do," I said.

"Then go for him." She took a breath before saying, "Lils, real love only comes around once in a lifetime. You got it early, and you got it easy, compared to some people. Take the chance! It could pay off."

"Or it could break me," I reminded her. "Not taking it this time. Try again another day."

She was about to tell me something else, but at the exact moment, James opened the portrait hole to enter, clean this time, and met our eyes. He came over to me, and he noticed my diary on the table with me hovering over it. He looked questioningly at me and asked me, "What is that?"

"A journal," I said cautiously. "What do you want?"

"It's my common room too, Lily," he pointed out. "I can come in here if I want to."

I didn't say anything because he was completely justified, but I was saved from saying anything else by Leila saying, "James, do you mind telling Peter that I said no?"

"No for what?" James's interest sparked up at once.

"Just tell him no – he'll know what I mean, and if he wants to tell you, then he will," Leila said breezily.

"Fine," James said. "But Lily, what is that journal?"

"Why do you care so much?"

"Because you're standing over it as though it's priceless treasure." James gestured at my protective stance. "It was a simple question."

"It's got stuff in it," I informed him.

"What kind of stuff?" He was starting to smile rather coyly now; what an overly-flirtatious-prick-type thing to do.

"Personal stuff," I said. "Stuff so secret, I'd murder you if you knew what it was." The moment I said those words, I knew I had made a dire mistake; I had as good as told him to try to read you by saying that it was secret. I wanted to kick myself, but I couldn't; I was forced to look at him with a defiant glare, hoping he would realize that I didn't want to talk to him, and that he would leave me alone.

"Really?" James looked contemplatively at you. "Then I'll be sure to keep that in mind."

With that, he left. Just like that.

The moment he was gone, I hugged you close to my chest and gave Leila a panicked look. "He's going to take it from me," I whispered fearfully.

"Lily, relax," Leila soothed me. "He's not going to take anything from you; he's too sweet for that. Don't worry."

"He's going to," I said a little louder. "He loves invading my privacy – he has been doing it since first year, Leils, and this year is not any different."

"Since when has he invaded your privacy?" she asked. "He's never done that."

"Do you remember in third year, I had that little box of all the notes we ever passed in Transfiguration? Do you remember how James took it, read every single one, and told people what we had written?" I demanded.

"Oh yeah," Leila said. "But hey, none of that stuff was too personal – it wasn't a big deal."

"It was a big deal because he went through my stuff!" I persisted. "That's terrible manners. And, not only that, but he is always trying to ask me out, kiss me, cuddle me, and bother me – that is not the way to a woman's heart, Leila, and I know that he's going to try reading my diary. He'll find some sort of justification for it, but it's all going to be bullshit; the things I have in that book are too private for anyone but me."

"Lily, you are completely overreacting," Leila said. "Besides, he's only trying to show you that he cares; he just does it more openly than most guys do. How is the way to your heart then, my dear Lils? Since James isn't doing it right?"

"The way to my heart is to show me you care, but not overwhelm me," I said. "I want a boy that can love me without annoying me. He has to be sensitive to how I'm feeling, and not constantly ask me if I'm okay when he knows I'm not. He has to be my life vest when I start to drown, the voice of reason when I'm about to do something stupid. And, generally, he has to know how to do all of this without me telling him; I just want that perfect match that I know is out there somewhere."

"That's all anyone wants," Leila said gently. "The perfect match. But Lily, your perfect match is James and you know it. He may not be able to do everything exactly the way you want, but he's close, and what he does do is enough for you. Your heart is set on James, and sweetie, you need to get him."

"I won't," I said with a pout. "I'm not going to get him because even if I love him and he's enough for me, I'm not enough for him."

Leila exhaled very, very irately when I said that. "You are, and you know that one too. He's been telling you that for ages, Lily, ages."

"But when he spends more time with me, he'll get tired of me," I said desperately. "Leila, I don't want him to take me when I don't know if he'll leave me. I've had enough of that."

"He won't!" Leila seized my shoulders, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "Let me set you straight here – James is in love with you. Only on his dying day will he leave you. You are all he has ever wanted, and all he will ever want. He will never get tired of having you with him; he's probably more afraid of it being the other way around. He is The One for you, and you are The One for him – that's just how it is. Does that make sense?"

I bit my lip. "Yes, that makes sense."

"And what are you going to do about it?"

I took a deep breath. "I am going to tell him that I'm in love with him and would like to fervently snog him until my lungs give out."

"And when are you going to do that?"

"Very soon," I said resignedly.

"Which is when?"

"Next week," I said.

"Good enough for me," Leila answered. "So long as you actually do it."

"Okay." I sighed heavily. "This is just so demented; never in a million years would I ever think I could have romantic feelings for James Bloody Potter."

"I know it must feel odd, but you're just…right," Leila said, smiling slightly. "You have so much chemistry – you already sound like a married couple."

"I won't ever marry him," I promised. "I'll go out with him, I'll be with him, and I'll love him, but I won't marry him. No – that's out of the question."

"Well, quit worrying about marriage and focus on getting together as a couple first," Leila said. "I actually have to get to a few things today, so I'm going to have to leave you to your thoughts – just make sure they're rational and I'll be okay. Can you do that?"

"Yes," I said. "Yes, I can."

"Good." She gave me a huge grin, patted my back, and left the room. I held you, my wonderful, private diary, to my chest, went up to my dormitory, and got out my quill and ink to write about what had happened today. But I do hope you stay confidential like I intend for you to; you are my closest friend, so that is why you can betray me more soundly than anyone ever could.

So, for now, I just want to say this: James Potter, if you ever get to read this sentence, know that you are dead meat and I plan to murder you on first opportunity. Thank you.

James

May 5th

Dear Diary,

Today, I have given myself a new mission: I am going to read Lily Evans' blue diary no matter what it takes.

Why am I going to do this? Because it's her diary – if she's as open with hers as I am with mine, then I've got a gold mine of valuable information ready for me to read. How do I know she has one? Well, that's rather an interesting story; I think I'll tell it.

See, I found out about my mission after the Quidditch semi-final match today. We were playing against Ravenclaw, who have been eerily good lately, and of course, we won. But during the game, I played hard, scoring a bunch of points, but I also made time to flirt with Lily, as always. She was being strange though; she refused to show me any emotion at all – not even a glare to show me that she was pissed off at me. I was curious about it; so much so that I nearly dropped the Quaffle once, though no one noticed at the time. I was just completely unnerved; Lily almost always acknowledged my presence, either negatively or positively, and not having her do so felt quite different, but in a bad way.

After the match was over, I sought Lily out while she was walking in with Leila. I knew I was filthy – when we landed after the Snitch had been caught, the Gryffindor team got into a huge, pile-on group hug in the mud – but I knew I had to find out what was wrong with her.

"Hey Lils," I said in my misleadingly bright voice. "Great match, eh? On to the finals!"

"Don't call me that, and it was nice; you guys did a good job," Lily said, her tone frosty and her smile steely.

I could feel my expression begin to fall, but it wasn't only because she was completely unimpressed about our victory – it was because she was too cold for me. "Did you watch?" I decided to ask.

"Of course I watched," Lily said, annoyed. "I watched the entire thing, thank you very much – I just don't have much to say about it."

"Excuse her; she's a bit challenged when it comes to being excited," Leila cut in. "Anyway, do you think the team's ready for finals?"

Now, no matter what Lily said or did to me, I couldn't resist bait like that – did Leila know it? "Hell yes," I said. "It's going to be fantastic, and I'm counting on you two girls to watch – will you?"

"Yeah," Leila said, giving me a rather cheeky smile. "Oh, and Lily has something to tell you."

My first thought was, 'she did?' It seemed that Lily's was too – she hadn't been planning to tell me anything; I could see it in her eyes.

"Yes, she does," Leila confirmed for the both of us. "You tell him, Lils, and I'll see you two later."

And, with that, she just kind of left us there, confused, near the entrance of the castle.

Lily wasn't in the mood to stay with me – it was evident in the way she looked at me – but she decided to take action by attempting to run away. I wasn't going to let her do that; I had to ask her a few questions, and since I was given the opportunity to, I was going to use it. I put my arm around her shoulder and tried to take her to the castle, but of course, she moved my arm away ("You're going to get mud all over my robes!") and quickened her walk. Of course, I caught right up to her, and I inquired, "So Lils; what did you have to tell me?"

"First of all, my name is Lily, not Lils," she said. "And second of all, I didn't have anything to tell you; it was just Leila being stupid."

"Well, I'm okay with the chance to talk to you anyway, since I've been looking for it for a couple of days now," I said. "What's going on with you? You haven't spoken to me at all in nearly a week; normally you at least yell at me, but you haven't even bee doing that.

"I thought that would have been obvious by now," Lily said, that cooled edge in her tone of voice once more. "After what you said."

"What did I say?" I was genuinely curious; what in the name of Merlin had I said this time?

"Oh, like you didn't know," she said, starting to raise her voice. "Why do you still flirt with me? It's completely contradictory. Although, I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised; you live to confuse me."

"What are you talking about?" I was ready to just cut the act and talk to her openly; she was holding something against me, and I had no idea what it was, so it was better for her just to tell me. "I honestly don't know what I did; care to tell me?"

"I'm talking about you calling me a bitch!" she finally screamed at me. "You said it the day you broke up with Regina; you called me a bitch and you thought I'd never hear about it! Well, you're wrong; I know, and I don't appreciate it."

"What?" I thought on this revelation for a moment, and then I remembered – Leila had told her. Damn; that spelled trouble. "Oh, you mean that? Lil, it's not what you think –"

"Oh? So what was it then?" she asked me, her voice more bitter than I'd ever heard it before. "Was it your twin brother there, breaking up with Regina and calling me a bitch? Were you under Veritaserum? Did Sirius dare you to do it?"

I couldn't believe her; she thought that I considered her a bitch! As if I could; didn't she know that? Didn't she realize how much she meant to me? Didn't she understand that she was misinformed and this was all a misunderstanding?

I tried to tell her what happened, and I swore to her I hadn't meant it in the way she thought, but it wasn't any use; she just said she didn't know what to think. I tried to tell her that I wouldn't ever hate her, too, but that didn't work either; she simply said, "This won't work out. We've talked about this before – we just aren't going to be together. Ever."

To that, I said, "There are so many things that won't work out in our lives, Lil, but how I feel about you isn't one of them. Trust me – let me in."

She opened her mouth to say something, but I didn't want to hear it; we were outside, in the middle of a huge mass of people, and I wouldn't be able to say what I wanted. I closed her mouth with a touch on her chin, and I said, "C'mon – we'll continue this discussion in the common room."

This time though, Lily refused to cooperate at all; she said she wasn't ready for anything, and she went right back into the castle, leaving me alone. I sighed, a melancholy darkness settling into my chest again. Why did she always have to do that to me? She really didn't know; no matter how hard I tried, she would never understand how I felt about her. She made it very clear that she hated me, but I couldn't accept it – I was in love, and it was a love that wouldn't go away, no matter how much we both wanted it to sometimes. Was this what it was like to be in love? If it was, I can see why people hate it. It isn't beautiful; it's more painful than anything on earth.

I trudged into the changing rooms and got cleaned up, too unhappy about Lily to celebrate anymore. I wanted to enjoy myself, but I kept thinking about how she had looked at me when I told her I loved her – she was so torturously unsure of it. She honestly doubted that what I was saying was true! How could she? For someone so smart, she was unbelievably stupid sometimes.

I walked up to the common room with Lily still dominating my thoughts, and when I was near the portrait hole, I found Sirius and Remus talking together. Remus saw me and flagged me over, and I joined them.

"Congratulations, Prongs," Sirius complimented me, giving me a high-five. "Kick-ass job today."

"Thanks Padfoot," I said moodily.

"Is it Lily?" Remus asked at once, sympathetic. It was just amazing how he could always tell when I was upset about her; was I really that obsessed with her? I probably was.

"Yeah," I said. "She thinks I don't love her."

Sirius burst out laughing. "How could she think that? You've only told her constantly for five years."

"That's what I thought too," I said. "But the way she looks at me and talks to me…I never know what she really feels. I don't know if she likes me or not; she's always mercurial about it. One day she looks at me like she really is in love with me, but the next day, she blows me off, just like normal. Girls are such complicated creatures."

"They are," Sirius agreed. "That's why I go through them quickly; they're always so weird, and it's like, who wants a complicated chick around all the time?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "If girls are too complicated for your simplistic mind, I don't quite see why you date like crazy anyway."

"Well, because girls, while strange, are sexy," Sirius explained. "And I need something to do when I'm avoiding my homework."

I wasn't sure why Remus was always so bothered about Sirius's dating habits; we were all used to it, yet he constantly complained. Sirius noticed it as well; he threw Remus a look in response to Remus's second roll of the eyes and asked, "Why do you care so much? It's my life, not yours."

"You should live it well," Remus insisted. "Instead of having sex with girls as a hobby, you should consider getting more serious about sports or schoolwork or something. It's much healthier."

"I like having sex with girls," Sirius said indignantly. "When you try it, you'll see why."

"That's just sick," Remus said, making a face. "You shouldn't be doing it simply to entertain yourself! It should mean something; it should be commitment."

"I am committed," Sirius said. "I am committed to having a good time."

"I mean committed to the girl," Remus clarified. "You shouldn't just have sex with her one night and then dump her the next – that's not fair."

"Why isn't it?" Sirius asked. "If I stick to one girl too long, I get bored. Like, I'm thinking of dumping Kyleigh soon too."

"Why?" I asked in spite of myself. "You really liked her. I thought you'd continue it."

"I also thought I would, but we were both wrong," Sirius said nonchalantly. "I mean, Kyles is a nice girl, but she is just…headstrong. Stubborn. She sleeps with me in my bed every night, and I can't say no. That's why I'm thinking of just finishing it once and for all."

"Do you like having her around?" I asked.

"Well, yes, but I don't want to be dependent on her," Sirius said. "I keep my pace of life quick and full; I can't hang back with her because that will ruin my flow."

"That's awful, Padfoot," Remus reprimanded. "Stay with her; break it off only if you really, really feel you must. Don't break it off just because you don't want to ruin your 'flow'."

That was about as deep as Sirius could stand; he quickly changed the subject to avoid talking more about Kyleigh. "Where's Peter, do you know?"

"No," I realized. "Have you seen him, Remus?"

"I haven't," he admitted. "He was walking just behind Lily and Leila after the match today, but after that, I didn't see him at all. I thought he was with you, James."

"I was busy being blown off by Lily," I said, hoping to sound casual. "Shall we go look for him in the dormitory?"

"Yeah, okay," Sirius said. "But first I have to find Kyleigh; she wanted to go out tonight and I said I'd get back to her."

"Are you going then?" Remus beat me to asking the question.

"Mhmm," Sirius said with a nod. "See you two later." He waved and ran down the corridor again to find Kyleigh while Remus and I looked at each other, trying to figure out what to do next.

"I reckon I want to go to the library and finish the last of my homework," Remus said. "I have a bit of research to do. Would you like to join me?"

"Nah," I said. "I'm going to the dormitory to find Peter and practice a couple of Map spells."

"The Map!" Remus smiled. "I almost forgot about that. I have to research a bit for that as well; thanks for reminding me. See you later, Prongs."

"Later, Moony," I said, smiling as well as I opened the portrait hole and went in. When I did, I found Lily and Leila in the middle of a conversation in the common room, looking with surprise at me. I took in the scene – a shocked Lily who was guarding a small, blue book with a highly startled Leila next to her – and then I asked Lily, "What is that?"

"A journal," she said. "What do you want?"

"It's my common room too, Lily," I pointed out evenly. "I can come in here if I want to."

Lily shut up at that one, but Leila said, "James, do you mind telling Peter that I said no?"

"No for what?"

"Just tell him no," she repeated. "He'll know what I mean, and if he wants to tell you, then he will."

"Fine," I said, losing interest as I turned back to Lily. "But what is in that journal?"

"Why do you care so much?"

"Because you're standing over it as though it's priceless treasure," I said, mystified. "It was a simple question – relax."

"It's got stuff in it," she told me.

"What kind of stuff?" I asked, grinning. Her word games were annoying, but they were kind of funny.

"Personal stuff," she shot at me. "Stuff so secret, I'd murder you if you knew what it was."

Why didn't she just say, 'I've got a secret I want to tell you – come here and read it?' It would have worked just as well.

"Really?" I smiled and kept my eyes on the book. "Then I'll be sure to keep that in mind."

And I left before she could say anything more – I bounded into my dormitory, excited. I was about to start planning on what I would do to steal Lily's book, but then I saw Peter, lying motionless on his bed, staring at the ceiling. I looked at him, baffled, and asked what was wrong.

He looked to me, and he said, "Nothing; I'm just wondering what possessed me to do it."

"What did you do?"

"Something stupid," he said with a sulk.

"Oh, and Leila says no," I said, remembering with a jolt. "I don't know what for though; what was it?"

"I knew it," he said with a groan.

"Knew what?" I was starting to get rather impatient; what was going on that I didn't know about?

"I asked Leila out," Peter confessed gloomily. "I don't know why; I just went up to her, babbled a bit, and asked her out to Hogsmeade. She looked at me as though I'd just grown an extra head and said she'd think about it. Obviously, she said no."

"Aww, I'm sorry, Pete," I said sympathetically. "That absolutely sucks." I patted his shoulder. "But it's not the end of the world, is it? You can always try again another time. I would know; I've been through this often enough with Lily."

"I don't know why I did it," he said. "I just…she was looking pretty, and it was spur-of-the-moment thing – I didn't plan it or anything. It was stupid though; wasted effort."

"You're a Marauder; you can't possibly give up on a girl," I reminded him. "Look at me and Lily! I've been at her for five years and I'm still nowhere; but I'm still trying, aren't I? Sirius keeps going at girls, and Remus is looking as well – we're all going to get married to gorgeous girls when we're out of Hogwarts, and if you like Leila, go for her."

"She doesn't like me," he whined.

"Lily hates me, but I'm going to make her the mother of my kid no matter what," I said. "But it's all good – you shouldn't wallow about it. I've tried it, and trust me when I say that it doesn't help anything."

Peter shrugged morosely, but asked, "Where are Sirius and Remus?"

"Probably arguing about something or another," I said, laughing. "Right now, Remus's issue is that Sirius is too flippant about dating and should try slowing down a little to actually commit to a girl."

He rolled his eyes, but laughed too. "Why does he care so much?"

"I wish I knew," I said, snickering. "But they'll get over it; they're Marauders, and Marauders are close – we don't fight for long."

"I guess." Peter sighed. "So how's the map work going?"

"Fine," I said. "I actually got my spells down pretty well – now all we have to do is actually finish the thing. We're not going to be able to use it this year, but we'll definitely use it next year."

"Excellent." Peter grinned. "I'm telling you; that map is going to be something huge, even if we're not here to see it."

"I know." I smiled at the thought of sharing the credit for making a Hogwarts legend. "It's going to be the best thing anyone's ever seen."

"Definitely," Peter agreed with me.

We began to discuss the many possibilities of the Marauder's Map, but while we were, Sirius and Remus burst in, bellowing and arguing for all they were worth. Peter and I exchanged very bewildered looks as we watched them come in, shout incomprehensibly, and sit on opposite ends of the dormitory while still hollering at each other.

"What the hell is going on here?" I finally yelled at them. "What are you arguing about?!"

"Pudding!" Sirius barked, nearly blue in the face from shouting so long. "Chocolate versus vanilla!"

"Vanilla!" Remus screamed. "Vanilla is infinitely better than chocolate and you know it, Sirius Black!"

"Chocolate is vital!" Sirius screeched. "CHOCOLATE IS BETTER!"

"VANILLA!"

"CHOCOLATE!"

"VANILLA!"

"CHOCOLATE!"

"VANILLA!"

"CHOCOLATE IS THE REASON WE LIVE!"

"VANILLA IS HEALTHIER!"

"CHOCOLATE IS BETTER TASTING!"

"YOU MEAN TASTES BETTER, YOU IDIOT!"

"NOBODY CARES ABOUT GRAMMAR!"

"I DO! DOES THAT MAKE ME A NOBODY?"

"MAYBE IT DOES!"

"WILL BOTH OF YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?" I roared at them after a few minutes of listening to them shriek. "Why the hell does it matter if vanilla or chocolate tastes better?!"

"Because chocolate is better and Moony says it isn't," Sirius pouted.

Remus rolled his eyes but glared at Sirius nonetheless. "It's the other way around – vanilla is better and Sirius won't admit it."

Just as Sirius was about to counter this, I cleared my throat and said, "I like both chocolate and vanilla, so can this please be done now? I have to talk to you guys about something."

"What do you want to tell us?" Sirius inquired.

"Well, see, today, I discovered that Lily Evans keeps a diary," I explained to my three friends.

"She does?" Mischief lit Sirius's dark eyes.

"Yes," I said. "I want to steal it, and I want to ask the Marauders what the best way to do it is."

"That's terrible," Remus said reproachfully. "You shouldn't steal Lily's diary; that's just not right. It's her own journal – you should get her permission to read it."

"She's not going to give me permission, which is why I have to take it from her," I said. "How should I do it?"

"You shouldn't," Remus began to say, but then Sirius interrupted by saying, "I think it's a brilliant idea! Just sneak it out of her bag when she's out of the room – it's easy and you get a look into her screwed up head!"

Remus glared at Sirius once more. "Sirius, stop being a bastard; going into Lily's diary is a bad thing."

"I'm not being a bastard," Sirius said, evidently stung. "I'm being honest – it's a good idea. I mean, she's going to have written about James, right? Shouldn't he know what she said?"

"He shouldn't know unless Lily wants him to know," Remus insisted. "Don't you dare take that diary from her, James."

"Pete, what do you say?" I asked, turning to Peter.

"I say go for it," Peter suggested. "Think about it this way – if she doesn't tell you herself, you have to go for it in whatever way you can."

"That's right," I said, beaming. "Thanks, Wormtail!"

"Wow," Sirius said, impressed. "Didn't see something that wise coming from you."

"Thanks," Peter said sarcastically. "But really – take her diary."

"Don't," Remus pleaded. "It's an invasion of privacy; she won't like that."

"But I need to know this," I said. "I need to know what she really feels about me. All throughout my teenage years, I've wondered and I've waited – I've had enough of that by this point. I'm going to take matters into my own hands – Sirius is right; she has to have written about me, so I should know about it."

"You shouldn't," Remus continued to persist. "Don't jinx things for her; if she has to tell you something, she will. Her diary is just to keep her thoughts together, and it's not for anyone else – if it was, you would have read it long ago. Just don't go into her diary, okay?"

"I'm going to," I said. "Sorry Moony, but I'm going to. Sirius's idea for getting it out of her bag is good – I'm going to use it. Thanks, Pads."

"No problem." Sirius saluted me. "Are we done here? Good, because I'm extremely hungry. C'mon Pete; I want some vanilla pudding – you want to get some with me?"

"Sure," Peter said, smiling as he got up to join Sirius. "Want to come, Moony?"

"No," Remus snapped. "Go eat your pudding; I don't give a damn."

Sirius shrugged. "Will do; bye." He and Peter left the dormitory and Remus threw dirty looks at the door after them while I watched in amusement.

"Why were you guys arguing about pudding, out of curiosity?" I asked.

"It's nothing," he said, disgruntled.

"And what's with all the swearing?" I grinned. "You've sworn more today than I've ever heard you say."

"Sirius aggravates me," Remus said. "He aggravates you too."

"I know, but you're…different when you argue with him," I said. "I can't put my finger on it."

Remus shrugged. "Forget about that for now – concentrate on the right thing. Don't read Lily's diary."

"I'm going to," I said. "Lily is shy – you've said it yourself. What if she wants me to know something and she just won't tell me? What if she needs me? I won't know because she doesn't bloody tell me; that means I've got to find out by myself. And besides; to do the right thing, you sometimes have to do the wrong thing in the middle."

"Think twice about this, would you?" Remus begged.

"Of course," I said. "I thought about it a lot just now, and I'm going to continue thinking about it, but I think I'm going to read it. I have to; I need to know what Lily Evans is trying to hide from me and the rest of the world."

With that, I took my own diary out and went downstairs to the empty common room, where I am right now. I suppose I do feel kind of bad about wanting to take Lily's diary – what would I say if someone saw mine? – but I know I'm going to have to do this anyway. I mean, if Lily wanted to read my diary, I'd let her because I love her and I want her to know me. It's not like I'm doing something to her that I wouldn't want done to myself. So it all works, doesn't it? I'm trying to convince myself that it does.

Wish me luck then; I plan on doing my mission tomorrow and writing about reading her journal the day afterwards.

All I can say is that I hope this is the right wrong thing I'm doing.

A/N: You know where this is going and you're probably excited. I know I am! But review; hopefully the next chapter will be up in a few days.