A/N: Okay, lots of housekeeping stuff to attend to before the chapter begins:

Firstly, NO, this is NOT the last chapter!!! I have a few chapters still waiting to be posted up, as well as the final entries! Wait for me to put those up as well; I told you we'd finish at Chapter 50 or 51!

Secondly, if you reviewed earlier, I already told you this, but I leave the Remus/Sirius slash up to you – it's one of the few things I end up leaving open-ended. I personally hate blatant slash – hints don't bother me, but blatant stuff does – so I'm never actually going to make them 'get together.' Just so you know.

Thirdly, to the people who suggested that Lily should read James's diary (I forget who you all are, I'm sorry!) – thank you so much. :)

Fourthly, songs to listen to throughout the chapter (there's loads this time!):

Someone (D. H. T.)
All You Wanted (Michelle Branch)
Extraordinary (Mandy Moore)
What If's (Natasha Bedingfield – go to You Tube & find the version with Natasha only)
Naked (Avril Lavigne – and this is a good song despite the title, lol)
Sugar High (Jade Anderson)

The Game of Love (Michelle Branch and Santana
Every Time We Touch (Cascada – both fast and slow versions)
You Found Me (Kelly Clarkson)
Peace of Me (Natasha Bedingfield)
Brighter Than Sunshine (Aqualung)
One in this World (Haylie Duff)

Lily

May 7th

Dear Diary,

Oh. My. God.

I have so much to say; I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest with the intensity of it all. I want to say everything right now, but I know I have to slow down and start at the beginning to be able to sound coherent…so here I go.

It started yesterday – I had been in the bathroom, getting ready in the morning. Leila had been outside with my bag, waiting for me so that we could go to breakfast together – it was just a typical morning. When I came out though, my bag and Leila were still there, but I noticed that you, my diary, weren't nestled among my books like usual.

"Where's my blue diary?" I asked Leila. "It was in here before I left."

"I don't know," Leila said. "It's probably in there – you just can't see it. But can we worry about that later? I'm beyond starving."

"Oh all right." I agreed with her and forgot about it for that moment, but looking back on the incident, that had not been a smart move to make.

We went down to breakfast then, and Leila immediately began to eat – honestly, that girl would give even Sirius a run for his money when it comes to finishing breakfast. I watched her in disbelief before I buttered my own toast, and that's when she brought up the topic of James…yet again.

"I think that today or tomorrow, you're going to get together," she said wisely through a mouthful of her sausages.

"Oh? And how do you think that will happen?" I inquired.

"I just know," she said mysteriously.

"Do you know something I don't?" This was extremely suspicious behavior; Leila only ever acted like this when she was hiding something from me.

"Maybe I do," she said in her most irritating singsong voice. "But maybe I don't."

"You do know that I hate you, don't you?" I asked her conversationally.

"Mhmm," Leila confirmed as she continued to chew her sausages.

"Good." I drummed my fingers on the table and took a large bite out of my toast. "So what's on the agenda for today?"

"Nothing," she said. "We'll just relax – take a night off of studying."

"No way!" I cried. "We have less than a month until the exams; this is the very worst time to take a break!"

She rolled her eyes. "You're crazy; one night won't kill you."

"Yes, it will!" I insisted. "You know that I won't take a night off, and if you know what's good for you, you won't either."

"You're absolutely ridiculous, Lils," Leila teased. "C'mon; let's get to class then, shall we?"

And we did – it was, of course, a normal, ordinary day. I did do my studying (while Leila fell asleep on the couch for a few hours), since I believed in studying hard before exams, but I still thought about how I didn't know where you were, diary. I wasn't sure where I put you; you had to be somewhere at Hogwarts, though where specifically was a huge question. I fell asleep feeling like something was missing; I knew that I had to find you, but I decided to wait until morning before I did anything – I was a wee bit exhausted.

This morning, then, Leila and I went to breakfast, as we had every other day. In hindsight, I don't know how I could have been so casual – I should have expected something earth shattering to happen. Things had been too uneventful and too tentative; I just should have known. But I didn't, and I paid for it – paid quite dearly, come to think of it. I walked into the Great Hall, completely innocent and ready to eat like a normal person, but that was when he changed my entire life. 'He' being James Potter, of course. He came over to me, this strange, blazing look in his eyes, and he asked me in a low voice to come with him.

"What's wrong, James?" I asked, slightly alarmed.

"Just come on," he requested.

"Okay," I said, mystified. "Bye Leils."

I followed James up to the common room, still befuddled; what had caused him to act so…dark? James was a happy soul – he probably had no idea what the definition of a bad day was. I had never seen him act that way except the day when he was about to break up with Regina. Was he going to tell me he hated me then? I wasn't sure; my head was whirling with possibilities as he sat me down on the couch and then sat down across from me.

He didn't say anything at first, and since I didn't even know why I was there, neither did I. Then, very slowly, he took out a horribly familiar blue diary and put it on my lap. And, very slowly, I looked down at it, trying to digest what it meant. It came to me after about thirty seconds of sheer shock; James had taken you, my diary, from me the other day and had read it, just like I had feared! Oh no; no, no, no, no, no. He couldn't have. Didn't he know I would murder him? Why was he so bloody stupid?

"Why are you giving me my diary? You shouldn't have it," I said a little louder than I had intended originally.

"I'm giving it to you because it's yours," he said. "I figured you would want it back."

"Of course I bloody want it back," I shouted at him. "And why was it you that gave it to me?"

"Well…" He shifted a little bit and then confessed with rose-colored cheeks, "I stole it."

"You did WHAT?!" I hollered in disbelief. I was standing up, even though I had no memory of doing it, and I was ready to rage at him – how dare he take you from me?!

"I read it," James told me. "I had to."

"No you didn't!" I bellowed back. "There was no reason for you to stick your over-inquisitive nose into my business! That was PERSONAL, you worthless imbecile; why the hell did you steal my diary?"

He stood up as well, facing me, his eyes completely serious. "Lily, you're going to listen to me, all right?"

"NO!" I began to pace furiously like I always did when I was trying not to fly into a temper tantrum. "I'm NOT going to listen to you because I have absolutely no reason to. I mean, you go and read my diary, which is directly violating my space and my thoughts, and then you expect me to sit here like a good little girl and listen to whatever you want to tell me? I'm not going to do that! What I am going to do though, is kick your arse, James Potter, just because I know I'm not going to be sorry about it!"

"Look, I know you have every reason and right in the world to do that, but hear me out first," he said, somehow standing his ground even though he knew that I was going to blow my top in a few minutes.

"NO!" I screamed once again. "I'm NOT going to listen!" I took you from your spot on the sofa and began to chase him around the room with you, trying to hit whatever part of him I was able to reach, calling him a large variety of names as I did.

"Damn it, Lily, quit hitting me!" he requested as he avoided the blur that was you being swung madly at him.

"I WILL BLOODY HIT YOU IF I WANT TO!" I insisted furiously at the top of my lungs as I kept swinging madly. "COME HERE!"

I jumped right on top of him, knocking him to the ground with me tangled up in him, and I began to whack him repeatedly on his arms and head. He did manage to hold my wrists to stop me from hitting him, but that was when I actually caught my breath, came to my senses, and realized how we were situated on the floor. It was mightily awkward; reluctantly, I got up, out of breath, and tossed you to the sofa so that James wouldn't have another opportunity to look through you, and faced him, hostility radiating in such vast quantities that I wondered why he didn't flinch. We stood, facing each other, and didn't say anything for a moment.

Then, deciding to break the silence myself, I said, "James, you shouldn't have taken my diary."

"I needed to, Lily, can't you understand that?" he burst out. "Do you have any idea what you've been doing to me this year and the years before? Do you know how much I've wanted a way to just see what you're thinking? Lily, do you even know how much I love you?"

"What kind of a love influences a person to harass me, stalk me, mortify me, and/or invite himself into my personal matters?" I demanded. "Tell me, James, what kind of a love that is, and maybe I'll believe you."

"What kind of a love influences a person to go into complete denial, see the light, and then hide the revelation?" he shot back at me. "You answer me that, Lily, and maybe I'll believe you."

That silenced me, but only for a moment. "What kind of a love, you want to know? Well, I'll tell you; the kind of love that makes no sense at all," I said. "Now answer my question."

James sighed, chose to play along, and then replied, "For me, it's the kind of love that takes you over completely without letting you go. You don't know how hard it's been for me, but at least now I know how hard it's been for you."

"You weren't supposed to know," I wailed. "That was my personal diary! If I had wanted people to know, I would have told them – I wouldn't have kept it all in my journal!"

"Sometimes, to do the right thing, you have to do the wrong thing first," he said, taking my hands and squeezing them in his own. "This was the step I had to take, whether or not you like it, because you just can't hide something like this. I had to know, and Lily, you are the most cowardly yet courageous person I've ever known."

His eyes were so earnest; he meant every word he spoke. I bit my lip, wrenched my hand away from his, and then exploded into a frenzy. I don't even know what I said – it was mostly random crap about him not respecting my privacy, me loving him against my will, his horridness despite what I'd written about him, and how much I wished he would just leave me alone – before he interrupted me again.

"Lil, one of the things that kept coming up in that book was your need to love and be loved," he said gently. "Can't you see that I'm right here? Leila may be an airhead sometimes, but she's perfectly right – I've been here the whole time; all you had to do was really see me."

"Leila was utterly wrong," I pouted. "She says we could work. She says that you're going to marry me and be the father of my baby and be The One for me. She insists that we were meant to be and that I should go for you. She's wrong! You already read my reasons for that – I'm not repeating them – but no matter how much I ultimately like you, and no matter how hard I try, we're not going to be together."

"Well, you've finally told me you like me, which is definitely a good thing, but there's just one hitch with your statement," James said. "You just said that no matter how hard you try, we're not going to be together. But that's just the thing – you aren't trying."

I fell silent, so he went on, "Lily, you aren't trying at all. You just want everything to fall into place without any effort. I know you've been hurt; I know you've seen pain I wish you hadn't been through – but that's no reason to shut me out. I swear it, Lil; I'll do anything and everything you want me to do if you'll just accept that I love you."

"James, I can't just do that," I tried to tell him. "If you leave me, I'm not going to be able to survive it. I know I won't be able to. I'm not putting myself out there anymore because I've had enough. I love you, but I think that being without you will hurt less than being with you and then having you break up with me."

"I love you too," James said, grabbing at my forearms to secure me in place and look me in the eye. "I love you, I love you, I love you; how many times do you want to hear me say that before you believe me? Tell me; I'd be happy to say it three hundred times and even more, if that would help you trust me."

I shook my head as I broke out of his grip. "No. No, no, no; we never had this conversation and I never told you anything. You never read my diary and I still hate you to death. We're not bringing this up again."

"Why not?" he demanded. "Why are you trying to hide from me? Why are you so scared of me?"

"I'm not scared of you – I'm scared of what you could do to me," I explained. "Now please, please, please just leave me alone."

"No." James stood up from the sofa himself and then offered me a hand to help me up as well. When he was looking into my eyes with his own softened ones, he said, "Lily Evans, you are the most stubborn person on this planet. You are amazing, you know that? You are so much to me – so much – and with every word on every page of that book, I remembered why. You fight your way through using good and bad methods, but the observations and opinions you write along the way are simply incredible."

I had nothing to say, so he went on, "Lil, you've gone through a lot this year, and I'm sorry; I'm sorry that I couldn't reach out to you the right way, I'm sorry that you've had to hide from me, and most of all, I'm sorry that I had to use such a low method to find all of this out. I've said that a lot, but it's true – I'm sorry."

My brain was simply numb; I was still not over the fact that James Potter had read my diary without telling me about it, and if you added on the effect of what he was saying…well, you just got a lot of emotion that had no way out. I opened my mouth to say something, but when nothing came, I closed it and looked back to James, who was still watching me carefully.

After a moment though, he said, "And Lily? I never, ever stopped loving you. I thought about giving it up with you a lot this year, but I couldn't – you were my Lily, and I wasn't able to stay mad at you for too long. My feelings are as real as yours are, and they always have been – I couldn't ever tell you how much it hurt me when you rejected me or pushed me away."

I was still blank, and I didn't say anything to him – I only stared. His sincere words were washing away any bit of defiance I had left in me – all of my vigilantly built walls lay in ruins, and I wasn't even going to try building them up again. When I realized this and got my head back to earth though, I found that James was still there, watching me figure everything out. He had always stood there, just waiting, I realized; why hadn't I seen all of this before?

I knew why; of course I did. I had never seen it because I had chosen not to see it. I had closed my eyes and ears after a while, not willing to let more complications enter my life, and for that, I had nearly missed the real thing – the love of a lifetime. I whispered to him, "I'm sorry too. For everything."

It was truthfully miraculous, the look he gave me then. The penetrating gaze with which he looked at me was beyond all comprehension – it was as though he was reading my very soul, as though my skin wasn't even there and he could interpret me all the way through. He touched my cheek very, very gently, and then asked me, "So where does this leave us?"

"Nowhere," I said, averting my eyes to the ground as I felt my anger and boldness slip away from me. "James, I'm sorry; I can't do this at all. I'm awful at loving, and I don't want to try it again."

James's face fell – he had no idea what his words had done to me. All he could see was me being a coward; he didn't know how fast my pulse was racing or how mushy my stomach had become. He didn't know that I was fighting with my lungs to let me keep breathing calmly. He just looked disappointed, and I found that I recognized that look – it was the look of someone who truly was let down, and it was the look that James had always given me whenever I said something cruel to him. These revelations were just constantly coming to me, and I didn't know why they hadn't been so clear before – maybe it just took knowing the fact that he understood where I was coming from. It had been a long time since anyone knew the whole picture. That was why when he got up to go back downstairs, I grabbed at his wrist and pulled him next to me. He looked at me with surprise, but I didn't have time to hesitate – it was a now-or-never type of feel. I looked into his befuddled eyes, closed my own, and leaned in.

And, somehow knowing what I had to do, I allowed my mouth to crash on top of his.

It was like my first breath of oxygen, that first moment I kissed him. Oh, how I had craved it. I no longer had to dream about it either – the kiss was reality, and it was everything. Hot blood rushed throughout my body, strengthening me, and I felt my hands begin to knot hard into his hair. It was so damn soft; it wasn't even fair how soft. His smell…I could have gotten drunk from it, it was so intoxicating. I probably would end up drunk after a while – I knew right away that it was the sort of smell no normal person could get used to. His lips pressed onto mine powerfully – anxious and constantly moving, as though I was the only thing keeping him alive. I couldn't breathe, but I didn't care – I'd rather die from not breathing during a kiss from him than any other way.

After about two minutes, I thought he would be done, like any other boy would be. But James was not any other boy – he didn't want to stop at all. His hands were on the small of my back, bringing me even closer to him, and he still drank me in. I couldn't let him go either – if anything, I just kissed him back harder. One part of my brain still thought I wasn't right with James, and kept screaming at me to pull away, but the rest of my brain revolted; that part told me to keep up the kiss and not be as stupid as I've been before. I quite frankly couldn't force myself to stop – I couldn't try to work against my destiny. I had tried that once; it wasn't a good idea.

Eventually though, James separated his mouth from mine and looked at me with tender eyes. "I never, ever thought you'd let me do that," he whispered.

"I never, ever thought I would either," I answered.

"But I'm glad you did," he said. "You rarely do anything that you actually want. I would know."

I tucked his now-even-more-disheveled hair behind his ears. "I'm still furious with you about that. Remind me to kill you later."

"Sure." He laughed. "But truthfully – I'm sorry. I didn't want to do it, but it was a matter of urgency."

"Prick," I accused him teasingly. "You didn't have to read my diary at all – you did it because you have an uncanny knack to do exactly what I don't want you to do." It was rather strange though – in all honesty, I would have murdered him earlier if he had let me, but now that he had kissed me and lightened the atmosphere of nervousness, I didn't care anymore. He could read it again if he wanted to. Life was just so weird that way, I thought.

"Lily, if I hadn't read your diary, I don't think you would have ever told me you were in love with me," he pointed out.

I mulled this over, and said, "I know I'm in love with you – stop reminding me."

"Why? Isn't love a beautiful gift?" James grinned wickedly; he knew my views on the subject.

I made a face. "Of course it is, James. But like you asked me, where does this leave us? I don't quite know."

"Here's what we'll do," he said, sitting me down on the sofa again with him. "You can forgive me for reading your diary, and then you and I will ditch class to spend the day together – just you and me. How does that sound?"

"It sounds…" I was about to say it was a bad idea, but adrenaline was still rushing through my veins from that kiss, and that made me rebellious. So, instead of saying the original, I smiled slightly and said, "It sounds perfect. I think I want to do it."

James's face broke into a smile – a real smile – and he kissed me softly. "Deal," he said into my lips. I didn't care about that though – it was the kiss I cared about, and I eagerly captured his mouth again. He continued it for a little while, but when he let go, he put his arm around my waist and took me to his own empty dormitory. With a flourish, he sat me down on his bed and then sat next to me, though his arm was still around my waist as though he didn't ever want to allow me free motion. I also learned that so long as it was him that was holding me, I wouldn't mind. What a strange revelation.

I told him about it, and he laughed. "I love you, Lily Evans," he said. "And I just can't get over how wonderful it is to say that and have you blush – it was one of the things I'd always wanted and thought I'd ever have."

I sighed. "I'm sorry about that."

"No problem," James said easily, smiling at me once more. He was quite smiley all of a sudden, but that was to be expected – he'd been chasing me for a kiss since we were eleven. The mood was incredibly light at that point; it was amazing what reading a diary and kissing the person you loved could do in ten minutes.

"Hey, I have to get something from my dormitory quickly – I'll be right back," I said, getting up from his bed.

"Oh all right, I suppose I can spare you for a couple of minutes," he allowed unwillingly. I kissed him for a full fifteen seconds before running out of the room and going to mine. There, I rummaged through my drawer and unearthed my last, tattered little coupon from my birthday. I could make James do any one thing I wanted with it, and I had something in mind – it could only be done then though. I closed my drawer and dashed right back to James's dormitory, where James himself was sitting on his bed, looking restless. When he saw me, however, he beamed and stood up. I took a breath, closed my hand on the coupon, and requested him to take what was in my hand.

"What?" He wrinkled his nose.

"I have something in my hand that I want you to have," I clarified.

James opened my hand and found the slip of parchment I'd had in it. Instantly recognizing it, he read it over and gave me a look I can't even describe. "You don't need to give me a coupon to make me do anything – I'd do it no matter what it was."

"This just makes it official," I said. "I feel better."

"What do you want me to do?"

I took a deep breath, paused for a moment, and then requested, "I want you to promise me that you'll keep holding on to me and will never let me go."

There was a silence after my statement, and it was the most poignant silence I'd ever engaged anyone in. James's eyes seemed to melt completely, and after I counted three minutes, he took the coupon from me, his movements deliberately prolonged, and whispered, "I promise."

"That's all I'll ever want from you." Satisfied, I leaned up and kissed him again, but that time, it was a slow kiss – a kiss to remind him of where we were and what he meant to me. He showed every sign of wanting to deepen it, but I didn't let him; I needed what I was getting from him – nothing more and nothing less. When I pulled away, he didn't let me; he just lunged forward and kissed me again. He would never hear me complain about that, so we kissed more – it was such a long one, but I didn't even care. I'd gone too long without him; we just needed a day with each other to get all of that emotion out before we could behave ourselves and do something besides kiss.

After that, it was a bit of a whirlwind that I'm not going to go into for me, because once James saw fit to break our kiss, he pulled out his own diary. I hadn't known he kept one – apparently, it was all Remus's fault – and we lay across his bed (James all but on top of me) to read it through, beginning to end, as he had done with mine. Reading James's diary was a very, very odd experience – kind of like a déjà vu. A lot of the things I'd felt – loneliness, a sense of not knowing who you were, a love too painful to portray, among many other elements – were replicated on the pages of that book, in James's messy squiggles that was supposed to pass as handwriting. A few of the things written raised questions on my part – usually awkward ones that made him blush tomato red – but he answered them to the best of his abilities. There were some entries that just broke my heart because I'd inadvertently hurt him so badly – I always hugged him tightly at those. There were also some entries that had me laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe – even though Sirius was a bloody arse, he was absolutely hysterical sometimes. James laughed with me, he shared silences with me, and he squeezed me like a teddy bear the whole time; Leila had been right – he would share just about everything with me.

Throughout the day we skived off, we only ever read his diary, talked, and kissed (the latter of which we did a lot), but during those unforgettable hours, I kept noticing how accurate Leila had actually been in her numerous analyses of us; one was, of course, what she had said we would share everything no matter what, but there were so many others – like being together, being so in love that I wondered how I'd gotten along without him, and our loving each other was 'meant to be.' I adored Leila, but I had never expected her to be so precise in her predictions and assessments. I often pointed it out in James's diary, when he felt something Leila had predicted he felt; he always laughed at me and teasingly asked how on earth I would have expected him to feel any different. I would kiss him and tell him that I hadn't known him then, and it was true; I really hadn't known James at all until I read his diary with him this afternoon. Like he had pointed out many times, I had never taken the time to know him because I hadn't cared, but now that I took the time at last, I knew that I had blindly stumbled across a boy who was beyond human comprehension. James Potter…who would have thought, in a million years, that I would be so in love with him, and that he would be so complicated? The mood was sweet yet dark, light yet intense for those few hours, and I knew they were my favorite out of the thousands of hours I'd spent on Earth so far.

Another thing that got to me during reading James's diary that I need to mention is how…distant I seemed. I knew that during the winter and spring months, I'd been internally shattered to pieces and felt completely exposed/soft. Despite that though, when I read my actions from his point of view, I felt like I really had been a hermit. I felt his indignation at me when I read those entries – there were times when I hated myself along with him. How could I say this when he reacted to it this way? How could I do that when he was feeling so awful as it was? I ended up bursting into tears when I got to the entry about my birthday – I just couldn't take how much he did for me without my even knowing it.

"Lily, what is the matter with you?" James asked me, bewildered, when I began to sob.

"I'm sorry," I wept. "I really, really am."

"It's okay," he said, putting his arm around my shoulders and kissing the top of my head.

"You know why I acted the way I did, don't you?"

"Yes, I do," he said. "And as far as I'm concerned, the last five years haven't even happened – it's just you and me now, and we're starting everything over. A clean slate."

I sniffed. "Starting it all over?"

"Yeah." He smiled at me. "So long as I have you, I'm all right."

With a sigh, I looked back into his sincere face and said, "I never thought it would happen, but I feel the same way about you."

James stroked my cheek softly for a moment, but then closed his diary without letting me finish it, put it away, and bounced back to sit next to me, checking his watch. "It's twelve o'clock; the school should be coming back from break in about three hours. What are we going to do until then?"

I considered this – I hadn't realized that we still had so much time left over. "Mmm…what do you want to do?"

"Besides obey your orders and snog the bloody hell out of you?" James mulled the matter over with me. "I don't know what I want to do."

"I think snogging the bloody hell out of me is your best bet." I grinned widely, though I was vaguely nauseated with myself – I never thought I'd ever let James snog the bloody hell out of me, and it had only been a few hours since he knew I loved him, yet I was still willing to let him do that. The effects of love, I suppose. Oh well; I'd spent far too much of my life avoiding what I knew I wanted, so I finally decided to go with my instinct…which meant that James immediately pounced on me and kissed me so hard I, in fact, wasn't able to breathe properly at all. The weirdest part? I enjoyed every second of it.

The school did come back after about three hours, and by then, my bliss was complete. James and I had spent a fair portion of our time kissing, but we'd also been just talking, like before. There was a lot to talk about, and if there wasn't, we found something or another to discuss; being together was enough, and talking just gave us a healthier activity to do. However, all good things had to come to an end some time (no matter how much I didn't want them to), and we heard the rest of the Gryffindors trudging back to their dormitories and the common room.

"Shall we go down to the common room as a couple for the first time then?" James inquired as we listened to their plentiful footsteps.

"I don't know…" My voice trailed off; I didn't really want to go down as a couple because a part of me still wanted to hide and keep our relationship a secret. He knew the reasoning behind my silence instinctively and smiled sweetly at me.

"Don't you worry about it, Lily – I'll hold your hand for as long as you want."

"You do know that means you're not going to be allowed to let go, don't you?" I looked him in the eye. "I need you."

"I do know that, and I'm more than happy to oblige," he answered. "C'mon." He took my hand, clutching it in his own, and opened the door to go to the common room. We descended down the staircase, and as we did, I felt like a princess, coming down with her prince at last. A fairytale come true – who knew that it could happen, least of all to me?

Leila was at the foot of the stairs, obviously about to come up, and her eyes bugged open in surprise when she saw James and me come together. "Lily, James, where have you both been?"

"I wanted a day off," I said sheepishly.

"It worked then?" she asked James eagerly. I couldn't imagine what she meant.

"Yeah," he said, beaming. "She let me kiss her most of the afternoon."

"Are you…together now?" Leila looked like she was going to explode with joy for the two of us.

"I'm going to let Lily answer that." James grinned at me, and I giggled.

"We're together," I confirmed.

"Finally!" Leila jumped forward and fell on me in a hug. I hugged her back, thrilled beyond belief. She had constantly said it would happen and kept me believing in it, and everything had worked out for once – she deserved a hug. "I'm utterly excited for you – both of you."

"It was only a matter of time," James agreed. "But still; it's nice to know that I wasn't stupid like everyone thought I was for waiting so long."

"We have to go tell everybody," Leila proposed at once. "Come on!" She grabbed my wrist and began to drag me down to the common room, energized as anything.

"I'm sorry in advance," I muttered to James.

"I don't mind," he assured me. "I was probably going to do the same thing myself."

My face cracked into a smile, but it was short-lived, seeing as Leila nearly yanked my arm out of its socket to bring me to Kyleigh, Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Sirius and Kyleigh stopped their hourly snog session when they saw Leila, James, and I, and Sirius was the first to ask, "Where were you two all day?"

Instead of letting me say it myself, Leila went right ahead and burst out with, "They're together!"

"No," Peter said at once. "James, kiss her and prove it."

"Peter," Remus said, his tone reprimanding. "You don't just ask people to start kissing whenever you want them to – if they are together, they will tell us."

"We are," I said in a small voice, smiling slightly.

"No," Kyleigh said, repeating what Peter had said. "Lils, you've hated him since first year – how can you suddenly get together with him? Are you sure this isn't a trick?"

"Would I joke about something like this?" I asked her. "But it's not sudden – I guess I'd been in love with him for a long time. It's just that I told him today."

"You did?" It was James who asked this question, and that was because I hadn't actually told him – he'd stolen my diary and read it himself. However, I wasn't about to tell anyone that I had a diary where I wrote all of this stuff down; "Yes, I did tell you – don't be foolish," I said.

Catching on, James said, "Oh yeah, you did. I'm sorry."

I rolled my eyes, smirked, and Remus laughed. "James, I can't believe that you got Lily to be your girlfriend if you can't even remember her telling you she loved you."

"It was a mental relapse," James insisted, his voice so believable that I almost fell for it myself, and I had been the one to bring it on. "I couldn't help it! A lot of new too fast!"

"Kiss her," Kyleigh and Peter said at the same time in response.

"Shall I?" James offered, giving me a very silly, crooked smile.

"No," I said curtly.

Silence and shock from my audience.

And then I leaned right up and kissed him myself – sudden, hard, and emotion-filled. His mouth was so easy to fuse with mine – I marveled at how right it felt when I kissed him. I'd had limited experience with kissing boys, but I knew that James was as good as they got; those stupid, twittering fan girls knew what they were talking about when they said he was a fantastic kisser. Still, as I settled into the kiss, Kyleigh and Sirius clapped, Peter and Leila cheered, and Remus smiled that Remus smile that just worked – I was completely over him, but I still liked that smile quite a lot. At the amount of commotion those five made though, the entire common room turned to stare, and we got several wolf-whistles, as well as many more claps/cheers. Apparently, Gryffindor House approved of our relationship.

When James broke apart from me, he hugged me and then shouted, "What did I tell you all? She's mine!"

Of course, universal laughter rang out, but I could hear several of his fan girls begin to sob on the side – I'd taken him, and now they knew they had no chance. Kyleigh giggled madly and said that she'd known it all along, and Leila was beside herself with delight – she couldn't stop bouncing. Sirius lost interest and began to kiss Kyleigh after a bit, but he'd given his opinions already; nobody cared anymore. Peter joined in the clapping, just because everyone else was too, but the whole scene made little sense in my eyes. The whole day had made little sense – it was like something out of a dream, really. And, even in a dream, things still wouldn't have happened the way they had. Life just was that way – when it gave you misery, you definitely had it bad, but when it gave you happiness, it seemed that there was no limit to what could happen.

"C'mon," James said in my ear. "I'll go drop you off in your dormitory – you probably want to write all of this down in your diary." I could practically hear him smiling; he knew I would write.

"Thanks," I said into his ear.

He grinned and took me to the staircase, which I gratefully climbed, and he went back down to the common room, presumably to talk to his friends. I didn't mind; what we had done today was enough to sustain me until tomorrow, and now I had a lot to write about. So here I am, in my dormitory, writing it all down, and wondering how on earth the whole day happened. Who knew prying into my business had turned out to be a good thing after all?

But, at this point, I think I should thank you, diary – you've been everything to me throughout all of this. It was you, in the end, who gave me what I wanted – James. You kept me sane throughout this crazy year, and without you, I don't know how I'd survive. You're only a book, and you're never going to understand what all of this means because of that fact, but you're still my savior when I didn't want to let another human do the job. James Potter may have saved me from myself, but you were the first one to do it – there are really no words to express how much you have come to mean to me, or how much of a silent friend I found in you.

And who knows – maybe one day I'll be Lily Potter. I've been doodling it in my margins for the past few minutes and I rather like the ring of it. Of course, I probably shouldn't get so ahead of myself, but at the same time, why not? I'm in love; I might as well enjoy it, since so far all I've seen is the cold side of it.

Mrs. Lily Potter…somehow, today, I can see that as a very real possibility. Gosh, there has to be something wrong with saying that, but in spite of that, I'm going to say it anyway. I love James Potter, I'm his girlfriend, and I'm not going to want anyone but him – it's exactly what I would have slapped myself for saying at the beginning of the year, but now it's the truth. I'd normally write something about how much I hated that, but this time, I'm not going to write that – this time, I'm going to write that even though it's not what I expected, I'm going to go with it anyway.

Why? Because out of this whole experience, the biggest thing I learned was that it was never a smart idea to mess with your destiny; I'm not going to be making that mistake ever again.

James

May 7th

Dear Diary,

Get ready for it…an explosion is on the way…

HOLY SHIT, LILY EVANS IS FINALLY MY GIRLFRIEND!

Okay, I feel better now – that felt so, so good. Why? Because, at long last, it's true; Lily, the love of my life, has finally become my girlfriend. She hugged me, she kissed me, she laughed with me, she smiled at me, she cuddled up with me, and she talked to me about things I'd always wanted to talk to her about; and no, it wasn't even in a dream! She really did! I probably sound like some overeager little kid, but honestly, I don't give a damn – Lily Evans loves me, I love her, and nothing can be wrong with the world as long as those two things are true. That's just how it is.

How did I accomplish this impossible feat? Well, it was quite a long story (one that I'm not going far too in-depth with, by the way) and it took a very guilty-making task that I didn't particularly like doing – taking her diary. That one was harder than I expected, and that business started yesterday, before breakfast.

See, I had been planning to steal it during first period or during breakfast itself, but I found an opportunity when I was on my way downstairs – Lily was in the bathroom and Leila was guarding Lily's bag that had her diary in it. I didn't even stop to think – I just went into her bag and pulled out the little blue book. Leila obviously saw me, and she asked, "Why are you taking out Lily's diary?"

"She said I could borrow it," I said, the lie spontaneously spilling out, astoundingly convincing.

"Really?" Leila wrinkled her nose. "She never lets anyone near that thing; I can't imagine what she writes in it. Does she know that you want it now?"

"Erm, no," I said sorrowfully, my better nature taking me over. "She thought I would want it later. Can you just tell her she lost it?"

"Why?" Leila inquired.

I hadn't had an answer for that – uh oh. "B-because," I stammered. "Because she would worry more if she knew I had it than she would if she thought she simply lost it."

"She would worry more if she knew you had it," Leila pointed out. "Why should I tell her she lost it, James?"

"Look, can you just tell her that?" I pleaded, unable to come up with a good enough answer. "For me?"

Leila considered this for a minute; then her face broke into an incredibly sly smile that disconcerted me more than I could tell her. "Only if you kiss me," she eventually announced.

I groaned internally – I should have known she would want something like that. "Weren't you over me, Leila?" I reminded her.

"Yes," she said. "But that doesn't mean I'm not going to want a kiss. Kiss me once and I'll tell her whatever you want me to, no questions or anything."

The second half of the offer was tempting – awfully tempting. I had always known I'd have to pay dearly for what I was going to do, and I supposed that kissing Leila was that price. I sighed heavily and asked, "Would a kiss on the cheek work?"

"On the lips, if you don't mind," Leila said angelically.

I did mind – very much so. Still, I couldn't say anything about it, so I just muttered, "C'mon then."

"Yay!" Beaming, Leila leaned in, and with complete fearlessness that I never would have expected from her, she kissed me quickly – I wasn't even aware of it. It was like an injection; you feared it before it happened, but when it was over, you realized you didn't even feel it in all the worrying beforehand. I smiled at her in thanks, and her grin was as big as ever.

"I know that Lily likes you, so I wasn't going to make you give me a long kiss; that's just mean," she explained without my even saying anything. "I wanted one and I got it – thanks a lot!"

"You're going to tell Lily that she lost her diary, all right?" was all I said to her.

"Yes," she said with a nod.

I nodded as well and quickly left the scene before Lily came back or Leila wanted another kiss, diary in hand, hardly believing my good luck. Leila was incredibly easy to bend to my will, I couldn't help but notice.

I took the diary with me to breakfast, where I showed it to Sirius, Remus, and Peter – I was kind of proud of my work. When I retold the robbery, I purposely left out the part about kissing Leila, because not only did I not enjoy it, I didn't feel that it was information worth knowing. Sirius and Peter were quite impressed and supportive of what I had done, but of course, Remus wasn't. He insisted that it was terrible of me to invade Lily's privacy that way – she wouldn't appreciate it when she found out – but I knew that I had made the right move. I was in love; she would understand once I told her about it, even if she didn't like to.

I finished up my breakfast rapidly, unwilling to stick around when I could be reading the diary, and I went up to first period to start the first entry. I knew that the whole book would be jam-packed with just about everything that went through Lily's convoluted head, so I would only read the first entry during first hour, and then the rest of it in bed that night. It seemed like a good-enough goal; I began to read the first entry.

I know from my own diary-writing experience that first entries are always interesting to read afterwards since they're usually vastly different from what is written nearer to the end, so it's easy to guess that I had fun reading Lily's first entry. I found right away that it was incredibly pessimistic, but it took me longer to realize that, strangely, it wasn't blatant pessimism – it was more built-in to the basic description of her life. It was as though she'd accepted such a stupid assumption long ago and was just including it because that was how she'd forced her mind to work. It kind of bothered me to see that, but I dismissed it – it was the first entry, so there was nothing to worry about. Lily would get more positive as the diary progressed, I was sure. Well, I was mostly sure – there was still that part of me that thought it would only get worse as the diary went on.

I raced through my day (I'm not going to go into those particulars, since they're not important) and last night, I got myself a bottle of butterbeer from the kitchens to read Lily's diary in bed. As I was on my way up, Remus found me and asked me where I was going.

"To the dormitory," I said. "I'm reading Lily's diary in bed tonight. My little bedtime story, you could call it." Being light helped ease my guilt a bit, and I used this tactic quite a lot on various occasions – however, I couldn't use it on Remus, because he always knew what I was really thinking. I guess Remus just has that effect on people.

"James, you know that what you're doing is wrong," he said. "I think you should rethink your brilliant idea. Lily's probably going crazy looking for her diary right now – you know how attached you are to yours, so how do you think she feels?"

"I am not attached to my diary," I protested crossly. "You make me write in it – that's not my slipup at all."

"I don't make you write in it these days, James, you do it yourself." Remus smiled. "It's okay to like your diary. I'm not Sirius – you can tell me if you like it."

"I don't like my diary," I repeated. "It's annoying the hell out of me, actually. And what's wrong with Sirius? You're always having a go at him – I don't understand it."

Remus rolled his eyes. "He's Sirius – it's very easy to have a go at him."

"But you're always nice to people – why do you do it?"

He considered this. "Because Sirius, while he is my best friend, can be a massive arse when he wants to be."

"You say I can be a massive arse when I want to be, but you never have a go at me," I pointed out. "You try to have psychological talks with me, but never with Sirius."

"Can we get off the topic of Sirius, please?" Remus requested impatiently. "At the moment, we're talking about you reading the diary of the girl you love – it's not right, and I suggest you don't do it."

"You're always so hasty to stop talking about Sirius, but you're always the first to bring him up," I said, winking. "Anyway, I'm going to read her diary and that's final. You just watch, Remus – this is the right move. I mean, you've said it yourself – she hates giving too much away, and if I just read her thoughts myself, it's easier on both of us. Less confusion, right? It's going to be fine." I didn't fully believe the words coming out of my mouth, but I didn't care – I had to convince both of us that what I was going to do was a good idea.

Ignoring my remark on Sirius, Remus said, "All right, if you really must read that book, I suppose you could. Just don't say anything to me when she buries you alive."

"Deal, Moony." I thumped him on the back and ran upstairs. "See you when I'm done reading Lily's diary!"

With that, I jumped onto my bed, popped the cap off of my butterbeer bottle, took a sip, and opened to the second entry Lily had written. It was dated September 27th, two days after the first entry, which had been on September 25th. I began to read, and as I did, I found myself catapulted into what seemed to be a parallel universe – the normal world, but through the eyes of Lily Evans.

Saying it was like a parallel universe may seem like it's an overstatement, but trust me when I say that it isn't at all. Take that second entry for example; she was talking about that piece of shit, Chris, but the way she described him, he seemed like a good person, which I knew he wasn't. She put herself down outrageously in that entry particularly, but she was rather comical in her descriptions of Leila picking out hideous socks in Hogsmeade – I was impressed. When we got to the part of me and the Marauders entering though, I began laughing aloud – we sounded just like the over-flirtatious pricks she always accused us of being! Were we really that bad? I had never thought so – apparently, we were.

Several hours were passed that way – me drinking butterbeer and reading about the past few months in Lily's handwriting. It didn't feel like I'd lived through it myself though; Lily's life was pretty different from mine. My diary is filled with our Marauder monkey business, but Lily writes more traditional diary entries about her feelings, her two best friends, and her now-blossoming romantic life.

Well, more like wilting romantic life.

At first, it seemed to be working well for her – I wouldn't have expected it to be such a disaster. She started to like Chris-the-bastard a little bit, and she described having a small crush on Remus. She kept saying that he was a wonderful person – so sweet and gracious – and I got kind of annoyed as it kept coming up; I knew Remus better than she did, and he wasn't always the way she thought he was. I wasn't as much of a jerk as she wrote me out to be either – I don't know why she thought so badly of me. I remembered a few of the incidents she talked about, and I didn't recall being nearly as obnoxious. Maybe Lily was just biased. I wasn't sure – she probably was – but I kept reading anyway.

When I got to the night at the Firehouse, I knew that it was around that time Lily started to wilt. Sure enough, I read through her account, and it was a lot more tragic the way she told it than how I reminisced it. My poor Lily…she was completely distraught that night. Even in the entries after it, she was never quite over the episode, though I wasn't sure why it was such a big deal to her. It was a tad devastating, yes, but it took her a while to finally forgive herself. I knew I had forgiven her nearly right away…and I was pretty flattered that she went to all of those lengths just to get my attention. I was super sorry I ever let Regina take me over at the beginning of the year – Lily had liked me even back then, and I could tell through the way she wrote her diary, even if she didn't realize it herself.

I continued my fascinating read, past the Firehouse, our confusing winter (which made a lot more sense once I read it as Lily), but I had to literally stop everything when I got to New Years. Here were the details I'd been wanting – scrawled in an uncharacteristically messy scribble I could barely read. I could tell she had been hysterical when she had written, but I felt myself melt just a little when I found a few water marks scattered across the entry – she had cried lots that night. How could I not have known though? How had I been so stupid? Everything about our December made sense all of a sudden, and I wondered how I hadn't seen it before. Well, I guess it just shows how much a person can hide from everyone else.

The next six or seven entries after New Years were the most torturous for me to read out of the entire diary, I decided. Even the handwriting reflected how much everything just hurt for her – I almost stopped reading as I entered that realm. I read about her starting to develop anorexic habits, lashing out at people around her (myself included – there was a much darker side to those fights now that I knew what was going on though), and generally struggling to keep herself afloat. I found out what really happened when I left Hogwarts, and I was a bit shocked. Lily and Kyleigh rowed again, Regina, Leila, and Lily rowed, Leila began to suspect that Lily wasn't eating, and Lily snogged my best friend without my knowing – all in the space of one week! I wanted to bang my head against the wall; I couldn't have picked a worse time to leave the school even if I tried.

I managed to keep moving on though, since there was still a good portion of the diary left to go, and I was pleased to see that Lily finally pulled herself together again. It took an attack from the world's biggest bastard (Chris) to trigger it, which I wasn't all that happy about, but at least it happened. I was pleased to see that I had ended her awful eating routines as well, and I felt that the rest of the diary would be a bit of a breeze. I mean, pretty much everything was all right again – no Chris, no irritating Kyleigh, and best of all, she was over Remus. It had hurt to read about her loving so much and not being able to requite the feeling properly, but at least it was over – she didn't have to deal with it anymore. However, I was quite wrong when I thought these things; the rest of her diary was not a breeze at all.

Once I hit Valentine's Day, I was ready to jump up and down on my bed – Lily was in love with me!!! At long, long last, I had succeeded in making her fall in love with me, just like I'd promised my friends I would! It was a slight dampener that she was so confused and annoyed by her feelings – not to mention her reluctance to tell me about the development – but it was good enough for me that she at least didn't hate me. I knew she couldn't hate me for long – I was a tad irresistible. Haha. But I read on anyway – I had to know what circumstances caused her to never tell me she was bloody in love with me.

The rest of the diary brought me all the way up to two days ago, on May 5th. Those were some more painful entries – Lily obviously believed in falling harder than was healthy when it came to falling in love. I was astonished to see how strongly she came to feel about me – she had never even given me a hint. Well, now that I read her point of view, I knew that she had, but I still stand by that – she never gave any inclination to liking me at all. She had become well-practiced in keeping her emotions to herself and her diary, so I presume it was just second nature for her to hide how she felt about me, but I was aggravated all the same – it would be nice to know if the girl you'd loved for years loved you back, wouldn't it?

I read the last sentence of the last entry - so, for now, I just want to say this: James Potter, if you ever get to read this sentence, know that you are dead meat and I plan to murder you on first opportunity – and I put the book on my bedside table. I lay back on my pillows, and I let my overloaded mind wander across what I had just read. Lily Evans had gone through a rough year – that was my first and most apparent reflection. I was sorry about it; it shouldn't have been that way. I didn't know how on earth she got through it all, but she did – she toughed it out, just because she thought things would get better soon. I was in complete awe; nobody had ever given her the credit she deserved. I wanted to kill Sirius when I remembered all of his negative comments on her – all of them were unjustifiable.

But she could have avoided it. That was one thing that popped into my head that just wouldn't go away. She could have avoided every bad thing that came out of the year, and fairly easily too – she could have accepted her body for what it was and not thrown up, she could have stayed clear of Chris when everyone told her to, she could have not let her emotions get the better of her in a spat, and she could have told the people she loved that she really did love them. She didn't – some reasons were understandable, but then again, some weren't – and it was because of that she allowed herself to suffer. I felt like a different person as I pondered that diary – I had never felt like that before. It was as though the world and all its flaws were suddenly sharper and more visible than they had ever been before; I felt raw, as though I could do something rash and not regret it. I was also restless – I could've run a marathon at that moment, I swear I could have.

What could I do though? I had all these feelings and this information – what was I going to do with it? That was easy enough; I was going to talk to Lily about it. But how was I going to do that? It had to be done tactfully, considering what I had done – I couldn't afford to screw up. I spent most of my night thinking about what I wanted to do, and I eventually decided on just being honest – I would go to her, tell her that I had to talk to her, give her the diary back, and try to tell her how much she meant to me. It was time to tear down her resistance – I didn't want to play games anymore.

So, this morning, when the whole school was going down to breakfast, I went along, but I didn't get to the table or eat. Instead, I located Lily and Leila in the Great Hall – it wasn't hard, since Lily's wavy red hair was so distinctive – and I asked Lily to come with me to the common room. She was completely baffled by my request, but she thankfully just came along with me anyway. I led her to the common room, just like I had planned, and I sat her down on the sofa before sitting across from her, looking her in the eye.

Then, from inside my robes, I carefully took out the blue diary that had changed both of our lives, and as slowly as I could, I put it on her lap. It took us both a few seconds to take in the significance of what I had just done, but once Lily got it, she was furious, just like I had predicted.

"Why are you giving me my diary? You shouldn't have it," she said.

"I'm giving it to you because it's yours," I told her. "I figured you would want it back."

"Of course I bloody want it back," she shouted. "And why was it you that gave it to me?"

"Well…" This was pretty awkward. "I kind of stole it."

"You did WHAT?!" Lily stood up, beside herself with fury, and I felt myself start to fear her just a little bit. Was she going to kill me and prove Remus to be right? It appeared so.

"I read it," I repeated, trying to hold my ground. "I had to."

"No you didn't!" she hollered at me. "There was no reason for you to stick your over-inquisitive nose into my business! That was PERSONAL, you worthless imbecile; why the hell did you steal my diary?"

I stood up with her, still holding my ground. "Lily, you're going to listen to me, all right?"

"NO!" She started her deadly pace at that point – she was all over the room, trying to control herself, and I knew that meant trouble for me. "I'm NOT going to listen to you because I have absolutely no reason to. I mean, you go and read my diary, which is directly violating my space and my thoughts, and then you expect me to sit here like a good little girl and listen to whatever you want to tell me? I'm not going to do that! What I am going to do though, is kick your arse, James Potter, just because I know I'm not going to be sorry about it!"

Lies – she was lying when she said she wouldn't regret injuring me, and we both knew it. Still, it was better to play along anyway. "Look, I know you have every reason and right in the world to do that, but hear me out first," I said.

"NO!" she shouted at me once more. "I'm NOT going to listen!" She took her diary from the sofa then and began to chase me around the room, hitting me as hard as she possibly could and calling me so many names, she would have done Sirius proud.

"Damn it, Lily, quit hitting me!" I cried, dodging the book as I darted out of her way.

"I WILL BLOODY HIT YOU IF I WANT TO!" was her answer as she kept attempting to smack me. "COME HERE!"

With that, she jumped on me and kept trying to slap me. I caught her wrists to save myself, and that kind of brought her back to earth – she realized that we were tangled up on the floor in an incredibly awkward position and got right off of me. She threw her diary on the sofa behind her and began to glare at me. I knew she was trying to intimidate me, but it wasn't going to work – not this time. I looked calmly back at her, willing her to speak, and eventually, I was rewarded.

"James, you shouldn't have taken my diary," she said bitterly.

"I needed to, Lily, can't you understand that?" I burst out. "Do you have any idea what you've been doing to me this year and the years before? Do you know how much I've wanted a way to just see what you're thinking? Lily, do you even know how much I love you?"

"What kind of a love influences a person to harass me, stalk me, mortify me, and/or invite himself into my personal matters?" Lily asked me, her tone acidic. "Tell me, James, what kind of a love that is and maybe I'll believe you."

I decided to throw that one back at her by inquiring, "What kind of a love influences a person to go into complete denial, see the light, and then conceal the revelation? You answer me that, Lily, and maybe I'll believe you."

I had her there. "What kind of a love, you want to know?" she said at last. "Well, I'll tell you; the kind of love that makes no sense at all. Now answer my question."

I sighed, but I said, "For me, it's the kind of love that takes you over completely without letting you go. You don't know how hard it's been for me, but at least now I know how hard it's been for you."

That completely unnerved Lily – she went off into this huge rant about how I wasn't supposed to know about what she put in her diary, how she didn't believe I'd love her for as long as I lived, and how she was just sick and tired of seeing something go askew. I tried to console her to the best of my abilities, but I was also trying to make her see my side of the story. It somewhat worked – she did tell me she loved me – but she was stubbornly stuck on staying away from me. Apparently, it would hurt less to not have me than let me break it off with her. I was quite exasperated most of the time – why did she doubt me so much? I wasn't that untrustworthy, was I?

It took a lot of artful honesty, but after a bit, Lily whispered those magic words I'd been waiting for: "I'm sorry too. For everything."

I gazed at her then, and I was sure my longing showed all the way through. She was so, so fragile, that girl, but I loved her more than anyone could ever understand. I had vowed to be the one to love her the right way long ago, and now that I had the chance, I was determined to do the best job I could. "So where does this leave us?" I asked her.

"Nowhere," she said. "James, I'm sorry; I can't do this at all. I'm awful at loving, and I don't want to try it again."

That had been unexpected, and I felt my face fall – why was she so bloody scared of me? Didn't she know that I didn't care how badly she loved? I would take what she would give me because I knew it was enough to last me a lifetime, but she still doubted that. Past experience had a lot to do with it, but couldn't she open herself up one last time – for me? I couldn't be without her – it was simply out of the question.

There was nothing else to say then; I'd said it all and it had no effect at all on her. I wasn't sure what I was going to do next, but I couldn't contemplate it with Lily so close by – it would be like cutting myself while trying to figure out a way to not be suicidal. I got up to leave, but I was taken by surprise – I felt a hand on my wrist, and I knew right away that it was Lily's. She pulled me down to the sofa again, and she looked at me for a fraction of a second.

Then, as though in slow motion, I felt her finally – finally – allow her lips to meet mine.

It was my liberation, that kiss. Everything I'd dreamed about, everything I'd wanted in my life – it was all there. With the delicate scent of vanilla cream taking over my body, I kissed Lily Evans, and it was at that moment I knew I was complete. What a kiss that was…pent-up emotions I couldn't even identify came spilling out so harshly that it almost physically wounded me, but it was the most wonderful sensation I'd ever encountered. If I was able to, I'd spend the rest of my life kissing her – I would go legally insane without her.

I felt her hands tangling up painfully into my hair, but I didn't care at all – she could do it if she wanted to. I didn't mind. My hands were on her back and bringing her in as close to me as I could get her to come. I met no resistance, for once, and I could have exploded with happiness. It was almost pitiful, how much she meant to me, but again, I didn't give a damn – you could call me whatever you wanted, but so long as I had Lily, I was always going to be more than fine with it.

I also realized, somewhere in the middle of all that, that Sirius had been right, for once – Lily certainly was a damn good kisser.

When I thought she would want a minute to breathe, I let go and I said, "I never, ever thought you'd let me do that."

"I never, ever thought I would either," Lily admitted, smiling slightly. I wasn't sure if it was because of our kiss or because of what I said, but I liked to think it was a combination of both.

"But I'm glad you did," I assured her at once. "You rarely do anything that you actually want. I would know." It was easy to be light and make jokes and be joyful, now that I'd kissed her – that one kiss had changed everything, now that I look back on it, but I did feel it at the time as well.

"I'm still furious with you about that – remind me to kill you later," she teased me. I knew she had forgiven me though; it was hard not to after having such a kiss.

"Sure." I laughed. "But I am sorry, Lil. I didn't want to do it, but it was a matter of urgency." I thought I sounded a little insincere, but I hoped she didn't think so.

"Prick," she said jokingly. "You didn't have to read my diary at all – you did it because you have an uncanny knack of doing exactly what I don't want you to do."

"Lily, if I hadn't read your diary, I don't think you would have ever told me you were in love with me," I said. "I could tell, even if you told Leila differently."

She thought about this. "I know I'm in love with you – stop reminding me."

"Why? Isn't love a beautiful gift?" I knew she didn't think so – that was why I had to ask. Playing word games with her came easily to me; I wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing though.

"Of course it is, James," she said sarcastically. "But like you asked me – where does this leave us? I don't quite know."

"Here's what we'll do," I began to propose, hit by sudden inspiration as I sat her down on the sofa with me. "You can forgive me for reading your diary, and then you and I will ditch class to spend the day together – just you and me. How does that sound?" I personally thought it sounded like fun – especially the 'just you and me' part.

"It sounds…it sounds perfect," Lily said, taking me fully by surprise. "I think I want to do it."

I smiled hugely and kissed her quickly. "Deal," I said into her mouth. She didn't let me say anything else though – she just kissed me again. The magic didn't go away though; I loved that kiss just as much as the first one. I made myself let go, however, and I took her to my dormitory, feeling like I was in some kind of dream world. Reality had never been so fantastic before.

We sat on the bed, my arm still around her waist, when Lily suddenly told me, "You know, normally I wouldn't like it if someone kept their arm there for a long period of time. But now, when you're doing it, I don't mind it at all. Isn't that strange?"

I laughed. "I love you, Lily Evans, and I just can't get over how wonderful it is to say that and have you blush the way you are now – it's always been something I've wanted, but never sure I could have."

Her smile became a bit sad. "I'm sorry about that."

"No problem," I said undoubtedly, my smile still enormous.

She looked at me for a moment, the lust I'd only ever imagined in my mind's eye visible on her face, before she said, "Hey, I have to get something from my dormitory quickly – I'll be right back."

"Oh all right, I suppose I can spare you for a couple of minutes," I said reluctantly as she got up from the bed. She kissed me before she left, and I sat there, still trying to process what had just taken place. Lily Evans had just kissed me three or four times – willingly, too – and we were going to be together, just us two, in my dormitory for the rest of the day. Even in my fantasies, it hadn't been this incredible. I thought about that while I waited – how could reality be better than dreams? It was impossible, yet Lily had just proved the idea. Nothing made sense, but for once, I didn't mind it in the least.

After about two minutes, Lily came back into the dormitory, something in her hand. I stood up, wanting to kiss her again, but she asked me to open up her clenched fist.

"What?"

"I have something in my hand that I want you to have," she said.

Not sure what could possibly be in her hand, I obliged, and I discovered a small slip of parchment that I recognized immediately. It was one of the birthday coupons I had given her back in January – she still had one! What did she want to do with it? "You don't have to give me a coupon to make me do something," I said. "I'd do it no matter what."

"This just makes it official," Lily explained. "I feel better."

"What do you want me to do?"

Lily took a deep breath, hesitated for one more moment, looked me in the eye, and said, "I want you to promise me that you'll keep holding on to me and will never let me go."

I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. I had no intelligent words to explain the effect her statement had on me, and I doubted that I ever would – still, I took the coupon, found my voice, and said in a little more than a whisper, "I promise."

"That's all I'll ever want from you." Lily smiled and before I could respond, she was kissing me again. It was lighter than our first few, and I tried to change that, but she didn't let me and I didn't push too hard. However, what I did do was once she tried to pull away, I kissed her again, but harder. She didn't stop me either, which was nice – it was as though she somehow knew that I wouldn't be able to survive not being able to do what I wanted.

When I pulled apart, Lily smiled at me, and it was the smile she had once given Remus that made me ferociously jealous – that one of tenderness that I had wished she would have for me. Resisting the urge to kiss her again, I got another inspirational idea – I went to my drawer and got out my diary. Lily, who hadn't known I wrote in it, asked me what it was, and I laughed ruefully.

"It's exactly what it looks like – a diary," I said. "Remus gave it to me in the beginning of the year as a way to express my thoughts or something like that. I dunno. He made me write in it all year, and since I read your diary, I figured you could read mine."

"I think I'd like that," she said, stroking my hair. "What did you, the famous, magnificent James Potter, write about?"

I snickered. "Funny, Lily. I wrote about you, mostly, but there's a whole lot of random crap in here."

She lay across the bed on her stomach then, and I promptly lay on top of her. Her hair tickled my nose whenever she moved her head, but other than that, I was quite comfortable. Lily thought it was incredibly irritating, but she let me do it anyway as she opened up to the first page of my diary. We laughed through it together – I sounded quite young and simplistic. Lily blushed when she read how I had described her, but I insisted that it was true then and it was still true. I won a kiss, which thrilled me, and we moved on to the next few entries.

Reading over my own diary, especially with Lily underneath me (haha), was really, really bizarre, I discovered. I could actually see myself maturing, and some of the things I'd said while in those tumultuous moods were a bit embarrassing. Take one of the entries I wrote in November, for example – it was all about how I was trying to get past my stereotype and how much I desperately wanted Lily to like me, if not love me. I sounded like a whiny little kid, in a way, and Lily apologized quite a lot about making me so insecure. I told her I wasn't insecure, but neither of us believed me – I was insecure and it showed right through the page. It was a peculiar thought though; who would expect me, of all people, to be insecure?

When we got to the entries just after New Years, that was when things started to get a little awkward between her and me. We read about how our fights had affected me, and about how angry I was at her, and I felt bad – I hadn't known what Remus had done on New Years when I wrote those entries. Lily felt worse because she was responsible for most of the angst I had penned down, and nothing I said would make her feel any better. I tried to kiss her, but she would turn away and give me a wide-eyed, upset sort of look.

"Lil, it's not that big of a deal," I said. "It's all over now – I was fine."

"I shouldn't have shouted at you," she said. "It wasn't your fault I was feeling…yucky."

"I know, but that's all over now," I said. I kissed her neck and said, "Relax."

That helped – she did relax after that – and she scanned the rest of the page to make sure I'd forgiven her before she moved on to the next entry. She got quite curious about the secret passage we found and asked me loads of questions about it, all of which I answered, before we got the entry about her birthday. I saw her start to slow down in her pace, the emotion in her eyes becoming steadily murkier, until the end, when she burst into tears completely.

"Lily, what is the matter with you?" I asked, taken aback.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I really, really am."

"It's okay," I said, even though I had no idea what she was sorry about. I put my arm around her shoulders, squeezing her against me, and I kissed her hair.

"You know why I acted the way I did, don't you?" she asked.

"Yes, I do," I said. "And as far as I'm concerned, the last five years haven't even happened – it's just you and me now, and we're starting everything over. A clean slate."

"Starting it all over?" She seemed to like that idea as much as I did.

"Yes." I smiled, relieved that she wasn't crying anymore. "So long as I have you, I'm all right."

"I never thought it would happen, but I feel the same way about you too," she said, her eyes wide and demure once again.

I caressed her cheek for a moment, and as I did, I decided that reading my diary wasn't a good idea. If she had cried over what I'd done for her birthday, she would be in absolute waterworks over what I wrote about later, and I didn't want that. I put away the diary without letting her finish it and I went back to sit with her. I looked at my watch, and then I said in a more business-like tone, "It's twelve o'clock, Lil; the school should be coming back from break in about three hours. What are we going to do until then?"

Lily thought about that. "Mmm…what do you want to do?"

"Besides obey your orders and snog the bloody hell out of you?" I mock-contemplated the matter with her. "I don't know what I want to do."

"I think snogging the bloody hell out of me is your best bet," she said in the flirtiest manner I'd ever heard her use with me.

That was it – that was all I needed. I turned her over on to her back and all but fell on her in a kiss that actually physically hurt me. I needed her far too much – she was my drug, and I was fully dependent on her. It was a good thing we were on a squashy bed; pretty much all of my weight was on top of poor, skinny little Lily, and it wasn't like I was lying motionless. But, since I met no opposition, I continued to kiss her – she was very nearly irresistible. It was insane, how much I loved her – I didn't know how I got on without having her close to me all the time.

We spent most of our three hours together just kissing, but we did take breaks to talk as well. Talking to Lily was, in a way, like writing in my diary – I felt different when I talked to her because I could be completely honest. I didn't have to be anything or anyone else when she was around – she would have stayed no matter what. I liked that; Lily was the only girl that had ever gotten through my Quidditch glamour, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I was sorry when the rest of the Gryffindors come back to the tower; I would have liked our time to continue on for a little while longer.

"Shall we go down to the common room as a couple for the first time then?" I asked her anyway as I let my hand rest on her shoulder.

"I don't know…" Her voice trailed off, but I guaranteed her, "Don't you worry about it, Lily – I'll hold your hand for as long as you want."

"You do know that means you're not going to be allowed to let go, don't you?" She looked at me, her eyes serious. "I need you, James."

"I do know that, and I'm more than happy to oblige," I said. "C'mon." I took her hand, squeezing it in mine, and I took her down the staircase. I honestly felt like I could do anything, so long as I held her hand; she was everything to me – always was and always would be. I never thought I'd get the chance to show her that in a way in which she'd believe, but I guess even the craziest dreams end up coming true if you try hard enough.

When we got to the bottom of the staircase, we found Leila, who had been about to come upstairs, and she was shocked out of her mind to see us together. "Lily, James, where have you been?"

"I wanted a day off," Lily said shyly.

"It worked then?" She was referring to my taking the diary for whatever my use was, and I found that kind of entertaining.

"Yeah, it did – she let me kiss her most of the afternoon," I said proudly.

"Are you…together now?" She was about ready to blow up with enthusiasm – Leila was such a firework.

"I'm going to let Lily answer that," I said, grinning.

"We're together," she confirmed, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

"Finally!" Leila actually did explode, and I felt like I could as well – those words were music to my ears. She gave Lily a bear hug before chirping, "I'm utterly excited for you – both of you."

"It was only a matter of time," I said. "But still; it's nice to know that I wasn't stupid like everyone thought I was for waiting so long."

"We have to tell everybody," Leila announced. "Come on!" She took Lily's wrist to haul her over to the Marauders and Kyleigh, but since her other wrist was in mine, I was taken along as well.

"I'm sorry in advance," Lily murmured to me.

"I don't mind," I said easily. "I was probably going to do the same thing myself."

She smiled at me, but we were both thrown over to the chairs where Kyleigh, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were sitting, and they were rather stunned to see us.

"Where were you two all day?" Sirius asked once he had disentangled himself from Kyleigh.

Leila answered for us by shouting, "They're together!"

That led to a lot of discussion on whether or not we were really together, and I don't even remember what we said there. All I cared about was that I wasn't dreaming – everything that had happened was real. Kyleigh was probably the most surprised of the lot, though Peter ran a close second – both of them had always been the most cynical on me winning over Lily. Sirius lost interest after a while and Remus was too polite to make the inquiries, but Kyleigh and Peter wanted us to kiss to prove that Lily loved me.

"Shall I?" I asked her, smiling at her.

"No," she said, just like she used to when she hated me.

I was shocked – after all we'd said and done that afternoon, she wasn't going to kiss me? But then she kissed me herself, and I realized that she had wanted to be the one seeking a kiss that time. Well, I was perfectly all right with that – we kissed for a good, long time so that all of the interested Gryffindors could cheer for us. They were very intrigued, most of them – I had only ever heard the common room get that loud when we won a Quidditch match.

I did break apart from Lily though, since I wanted to keep her alive and give her breathing time, but I called out, "What did I tell you all? She's mine!"

Everyone laughed, including Lily, and I could have single-handedly won the Quidditch Cup for all the noise. I loved it though – me and Lily, in the spotlight together. I'd always wanted it to be that way, and I knew that I always would. We were two stand-out individuals, but together, we were out of everyone's league, and that's not even an arrogant comment.

Still, because Lily wasn't used to that spotlight, I whispered in her ear, "C'mon, I'll go drop you off in your dormitory – you probably want to write all of this down in your diary."

"Thanks," she said back into my ear, the smirk practically audible in her tone.

I took her to the staircase and sent her up on her way, smiling as she went. My beautiful little Lily – she always hated it when people acknowledged her presence for too long. I went back to my friends, feeling almost dazed – as though someone had knocked me in the head with something heavy.

"Well done, mate," Sirius congratulated me when he saw me. "I never thought I'd see the day Lily Evans would kiss you."

"I never did either," I said, laughing. "But thanks." He got up and hugged me, which I did appreciate – I knew his opinions of Lily hadn't changed, and that he was only being nice since I had dreamed of this day since I was eleven. We both had our girls – hadn't we always fantasized that it would end up that way?

"Yes, congratulations James," Remus said, his smile wise rather than jovial like Sirius's. "You stuck it out – that's something to be proud of."

"Remus, it was like an afternoon from heaven," I said honestly. "She kissed me, she talked to me, she hugged me, and she told me she loved me."

Remus nodded. "She does love you, James – I could see it in the way she looked at you."

"I can't believe you got that bitch to kiss you," Peter said. "I really can't. But congrats, mate."

I rolled my eyes, but said thank you anyway. "And she's not a bitch, Pete," I added. "She's my girlfriend." I couldn't even say how much I loved saying those words.

"Yes, but how long that stays true is the question," Sirius said. "I mean, what if you do something that annoys her and she breaks up with you?"

"She won't," Remus said sharply. "Don't be pessimistic already, Sirius – he's only just gotten her to love him. Oh, and I meant to ask you, but how did you manage to stay alive after reading her diary?"

"Well, I explained my reasoning, and I found that she was just worried about me knowing that she loved me – that was the only reason she got mad," I said. "She did chase me around the room, hitting me, but she broke down and started ranting like she does when she's distressed. I told her that I loved her, among other things I'm not going to say, and she kissed me. After that, we just went upstairs and spent the afternoon together."

"Did you take her to bed?" Sirius asked eagerly.

Remus smacked Sirius on the arm. "Sirius!"

"What?" Sirius said indignantly, rubbing the spot where Remus had hit him. "It was a simple question!"

I laughed. "No, I didn't take her to bed," I said. "Not yet. I'm only going to do that when we're ready. Today, I just snogged the bloody hell out of her, and that was enough to keep us occupied."

"Good for you," Sirius said good-naturedly.

"Is she a good kisser?" Peter queried with interest.

"The best," I said fervently. "You were right about that, Sirius."

"'Course I was," Sirius said. "I know what I'm talking about when it comes to kissing girls."

I rolled my eyes, but I was too elated to actually get exasperated. "I love her so much, you guys – you have no idea."

"I'm glad it worked for you," Remus said, patting me on the shoulder. "She's a lovely girl."

"You mean a sexy girl," Sirius said, his face mischievous. "I very nearly had sex with her on that one night we went to that club – she looks wicked awesome in the right dress."

"You're sick," Remus accused.

"He's right," Peter said. "She's sexy, but she's infuriating."

"Don't talk bad about her," I said. "She's going to be hanging around with us now, since she and I are together."

"Great," Sirius said apathetically.

"Yes, and you're going to be nice to her, Sirius," I said. "She's my girlfriend – I'm not horrible to Kyleigh, you won't be horrible to Lily."

"Fine," Sirius said grudgingly. "But it's only because you're my best friend, and if she's somehow the one that you want, then I'll have to accept her."

"Thanks," I said, smiling slightly. "I have to go upstairs though, so I'll talk to you three later."

"All right, James – we'll see you at dinner," Peter said with a wave while Sirius and Remus said good-night to me at the same time. I came upstairs to the dormitory and wrote about all of this just now, and I still can hardly register that it's happened. Lily Evans had sworn to hate me forever in the first month of our first year, and now she was my girlfriend! I'm so glad she can change her mind – I don't know how I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing her giggle or kissing her. I wasn't in love anymore – I was addicted.

I don't think I want to eat dinner tonight – I'm probably just going to go to sleep early and see Lily again in the morning. I've just been through a major event in my life, and though it's made me happier than I could have ever thought I would be, it's a lot of new feelings too fast, and I need some time to adjust. I mean, I'm in love with Lily Evans – you know you're in for something intense when it's Lily you're dealing with.

I love that girl to the death, and that's good, because since she's one of the few I'd ever die for, I think she'll end up being the death of me.

A/N: I can honestly say I'm ready to pull my hair out – this was such a long, hard chapter to write, and I hated the way I wrote it. Still, I kept it up as it is just because I am not in the mood to fix it and I don't know how else to do it. I know it's kind of out of character, but seriously – how would you have done it? I'm sick of this damn chapter – I've been at it for over a week – and I think that this is the best I can do. Do remember though, that there are still chapters after this, and I can confidently say that I will be happier with them than I was with this one. So I think that's it – I hope you liked this and review!