Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers or any of the songs used in this fic.

Warnings: talks of rape, a slightly weird Soundwave and the mentioning of the now-not-so-nameless femme seeker

Author's Note: Not a songfic, He's actually listening to the songs.

'lyrics'

Dreams & Nightmares

'If there's a God at Heaven's door, do you think He wants me anymore?'

Just when he thought he could not sink any lower, he did. No matter how hard he tried he just couldn't recharge properly. At least he couldn't until desperation drove him into following one of his partner's silly ideas. If the other Decepticons knew of this he would never live this down. . . Literally, if too many questions were raised. Unfortunately for him and his creations his recharge problem didn't seem to be disappearing any time soon.

'...Everybody hates! And everybody dies! Begin to separate a world that's full of lies...'

Too bad the idiot wasn't here to hear him complain about the selection of music he was forced to hear just to get a decent recharge. Although tonight may be too late for it to work. He had been so sure he could do without the horrible sounds that piece of scrap called music, but the nightmare returned and now he was laying on his berth listening to the foreign music his partner favored in a volume low enough to be heard just by him.

'Can't change this feeling. I'm way out of touch. Can't change this meaning. It means too much…'

Funny how things change. . . Long ago it had been the best dream he ever had. He had never found much enjoyment in dreams before. Dreams were nothing more than a bug in the memory that required a specialized medic to treat. He had treated it at first. Every time leaving with the reassurance that the bug would not return again, but it always did. Apparently his 'special skills' were part of the problem and he depended too much on them to be rid of said skills. His creator had made him to be the best in his field and without his skills he would not be the best.

'If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine. If it had a home would it be my eyes…'

He should blame the Autobot. That particular dream started after their first encounter. In the beginning the setting was always a base. In the beginning, the dream always had two different endings, but it always started the same.

It was the recruitment gathering all over again. The one were he first met Jazz. Sometimes the Bot wore the red and gold paintjob and mask he used that day, but most of the time he appeared in his monochrome paintjob. He would watch his partner mingle with the others. Sometimes he would feel jealous, but most of the time it was as if he really didn't knew the Bot. Sometimes he would realize it was a dream, most of the time he didn't until he went online again. No matter what, Jazz's cover was always busted in his dream. It was then the dream branched out in two.

It could either end with a chained up, tortured Bot who would be programmed to do whatever he desired. His very own interface-slave. Or it could end up with Jazz betraying the Autobots and joining the Decepticons. The ending hadn't mattered to Soundwave then. . . He had liked both of them.

'You're so unpredictable. And I'm so typical. I tried to sell you a heart before you saw the world…'

The setting changed over the course of time, but never the content. Now he seldom sees the gathering on his dreams. The warehouse had been a repetitive setting for a while. It was then he began to feel uncomfortable with his dream.

Like always Jazz starred in it. Unlike always, that Seeker femme, Redfury, was there. Sometimes Jazz pulls an Autobot and saves him only to have him betray the black and white Bot and take him prisoner. Once Megatron gifted him with the foolish saboteur, he used the machine the Seeker had tried to use on him to make the Autobot his until he tired of him. Other times, Jazz saves him from the seeker only to keep him paralyzed and finish what she started. And sometimes, instead of being saved, Jazz joins the Seeker only to kill her afterwards they had both used him.

Soundwave didn't like the feeling of helplessness the dream gave him. Two out of three were rather nice once he got over his initial discomfort. At least the Seeker always died. May she dwell forever in the smelting pits.

'I could be mean. I could be angry. You know I could be just like you…'

He could clearly recall how every time he had that dream he always enjoyed it to some degree. At least until they crashed in this miserable planet and he had only the dream to comfort him during four millennia.

Picture four millennia where the only time you got to see your better half he either used you or was used by you. Picture four millennia were Jazz was either tortured, forced into interfacing or doing that to him. Picture just dreaming of a Jazz that was as bad and cold-sparked as Megatron. And as time passed, Soundwave began to merge the reality with his dream. A dream that appeared never ending, just like their forced sleep was. He had grown to hate that dream. . .

'…Last dance, first kiss. Your touch my bliss. Beauty always comes with dark thoughts…'

. . . And he really had to talk with Jazz about his taste in music. Did the Autobot really thought he would like this? Never mind. . . Jazz had gone through the trouble of doing this for him and so far it was working. He should at least bear it until his problem subsided.

He remembered when he first 'woke up'. The first time his optics fell on Jazz again. For a second he panicked. Seconds. . . You know you have spent too much time on a planet when you begin to speak like the natives without a second thought. . . Anyways, even in an unfamiliar setting, alt-form and situation he had panicked. Soundwave had been sure it was just another dream created to torment him.

'…Me. I'm the one you chose. Out of all the people you wanted me the most…'

He had almost run to his lover when he realized it wasn't a dream any longer. He had Jazz again, the real one. His foolish, good for nothing, idiotic, insane, bastard of a Bot was back and Soundwave wanted nothing more than to show him how much he had been missed. He would've switched sides if Jazz had asked it that day. Pathetic, right?

But his real Jazz was there. The one that expected Soundwave to be a pain in the tailpipe and not mind. The one who will never force him. The one that will never allow himself to be used. The one that went around saving weak fleshies. Primus, he loved the slagging bastard!

He realized it that day too. It was in that moment, when he realized he wasn't dreaming, that Jazz became his partner. His all. Bonding was good and all, but for a Decepticon a partner was even better. A partner was an equal, someone you can trust to be there forever of their own free will. Not because some part of your spark resides within the other. To be with another in that kind of relationship is extremely rare. They were their own worst enemies most of the time.

'The stars will cry the blackest tears tonight…'

Jazz really needed to lighten up. This music was really depressive. He could feel his systems slowing down. Maybe he could take a small recharge after all. Ever since Jazz had not acted as predicted after the train thing the nightmare had returned. Just when he thought he could sink no lower, he became dependant of a link to his partner's radio in order to recharge. He needed to pretend Jazz was there, next to him. The real Jazz was there next to him, radio on and deep in recharge. Because only with the saboteur near can he sleep without the dream coming. With Jazz there, radio on and deep in recharge, the dream Jazz - or was it nightmare Jazz- did not appear. And he really needed to recharge, his thought processes were beginning to sound incoherent. But it didn't matter, because he learned to pretend that Jazz was there next to him with his radio on. . .

'Sing me to sleep. I won't fight it when you leave. I wish you were here. I wish you were here. I wish you were here. Desperate it seems, but I can't breathe. Are you real? Are you real? I can't feel a thing…'

Damned Jazz, fleshies and their stupid, disgusting music!