Chapter 5: No More Tears to Cry
Biting.
Tearing.
Clawing.
"I could never have loved..."
"Don't," he groaned aloud.
"...something so despicable as you..."
Hatake Kakashi stood numbly before Yamikaze Minato and the heroes of Konoha – he stood before the many ghosts of his past...the ones that he knew to be dead. He rubbed his forehead tiredly, wondering who else was going to rise from the grave. Hell, the way things were going, Minato-sensei would waltz right into town any minute now, announcing he'd only taken a little vacation with his darling Kushina.
"...despicable..."
"Please...stop..." he pleaded quietly, but Kakashi knew he deserved those words. He had turned against Rin in her darkest hours. He truly was despicable.
The Jounin tried forgetting what had happened mere moments later, but...it was too fresh. The blood was too fresh to be forgotten so quickly. It was too fresh to merely wash away.
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"You...what?" he murmured, his once-firm voice now barely audible.
Rin's indifferent gaze seemed to tear right into his soul – ripping, biting, clawing at every hint of weakness it caught sight of. "Please. You must have known," she told him caustically. "I'd always been head-over-heels for you, but it was meaningless. Every girl in Konoha felt the same way...but after Obito-kun...I changed. The feelings I had became more than just..." The girl broke away from his stare. "You said you'd protect me, and I believed you. I just...I guess I..."
Kakashi's eyes fell. He couldn't be hearing this. It was worse than hearing her contemplations on suicide.
"Kakashi-san, I'd always admired you. You were a genius - so much stronger, faster, smarter...so much more than I could ever hope to become." Rin's broken smile gave her a ghost-like countenance; it would relentlessly haunt him for years. "But Obito-kun - I should have noticed him. He was the one I truly should have admired...he loved me. Even when I was so...selfish. Even when I was blind to what love really was."
The Jounin felt something running down the left side of his face. Damnit, it seemed Obito hadn't been able to hold back any longer. The man turned away from Rin so she wouldn't see his tears. No, wait. These weren't his tears. That's right...they were Obito's.
"Even when he found me again...I can't. I can't do it. I've been trying and trying...but all I see is Obito-kun laying there...crushed...broken...I can't see anything else..." Rin shook her head slowly, hair falling into her face to hide the soulless eyes. "You probably wouldn't remember, but I stopped. After we returned from Rock, I stopped pestering you. I could hardly look at you, because all I'd see was Obito-kun. Wouldn't it be ridiculous if they saw me – crying at the sight of my teammate?"
Kakashi shook his head "no". It wouldn't be ridiculous. He'd wanted to weep too, but the same fear of ridicule that had plagued Rin had also troubled him. He wouldn't be taken as weak. He couldn't. So he'd turned away from her as she'd done to him.
"I thought so..." she murmured. "That's why I couldn't - I didn't look at you. You went about your business, and I went about mine. It was less painful that way I thought."
"Yes..." he agreed quietly. "I felt that way too."
"And Minato-sensei - he had more important things to worry over...like overseeing Konoha's affairs. I was so proud of him. I felt so privileged to be a student of the Hokage's." Rin sniffed, making Kakashi wonder if she'd begun to cry again, yet he couldn't bring himself to confirm the suspicion. "I thought that the wounds might heal, slowly, given the proper amount of time. But they didn't, Kakashi-san... Do you know? Do you know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep every night? Do you know what it's like to run out of tears? To find your pillow blotted red every morning because you've begun to cry blood? To find you've started to weep your heart away?"
The Jounin grimaced, his entire body tensing – fighting to remain level-headed. He clenched his fists, knuckles turning a ghastly white. She'd cried blood? Is that why she'd arrive for training with red eyes every morning? It hadn't been just a lack of sleep? Of course. Why hadn't he noticed this before? If he'd only taken the time to ask her...if he'd taken the time to care...but Kakashi had only turned away in revulsion. He wouldn't even look at her. He thought she was weak. Unable to control her childish emotions.
And so Rin's soul had slowly bled away. Night after night.
Drop.
By.
Drop.
"It hurt...but I couldn't stop. Minato-sensei forced me to see Tsunade-sama. You must remember that, right? You lectured me on how I should take better care of myself, but it's alright," she added quickly, noticing how the Jounin flinched at this fact. He did remember.
"I told Obito I'd watch out for you, but you've got to do your part too, Rin-chan. Stop being so childish and try to be a bit more mature, alright?" That's what he'd said to her. That's what he'd fucking said to her...
"My eyesight had suffered from the constant strain, but it wasn't anything that couldn't be fixed. I took what you said to heart and tried my best to please you – after all, you'd promised to protect me with your life. It was the least I could do, wasn't it? But you could never be pleased. Nothing I did was ever good enough. No matter how much I improved, how much I changed, it was worthless. I was worthless." Rin's shoulders shuddered involuntarily. He heard the abnormal movement even from several yards away. "I don't hold it against you though. I slowly began to understand how you felt, why you acted so coldly. I became the same way too, though Minato-sensei's death was what changed everything. I was tired...so, so tired of feeling. I wanted it to just go away. I wanted it to stop."
"...So you considered suicide..." whispered the man leaning against the wall.
Rin nodded, more hair falling over her face. "But I was scared...I didn't want to die alone."
He stole a glance at her, too humiliated and ashamed to fully look at the girl. "You could have—"
She laughed, making him jump slightly. Hysteria laced her amusement, making something so beautiful now deformed and ugly. "What?" Rin asked. "Gone to you? You were nowhere to be found Kakashi-san! The ANBU's lifestyle leaves no room for others. I don't believe I saw you more than once a month, and that was only in passing. You and I...we weren't teammates anymore. We weren't friends...not that we had ever really been friends in the first place. Right? I was just the annoying girl they'd stuck on your team. I was 'unnecessary baggage' as you might have put it back then..."
"That's not true!" he objected, whirling to face her. "You were never unnecessary! Never!"
"Really?" she asked with noted bleakness. "It must have been my imagination then. I don't believe I was really thinking clearly for much of the time. Forgive me, Kakashi-san. I don't want to blame you for my own shortcomings."
Kakashi took a step towards Rin, desperate to tell the girl that she really had mattered, that he really had cared – he just didn't deserve her back then. He still didn't deserve her now. "Rin-chan..." The Jounin reached out to touch her shoulder.
She recoiled from him as if he'd burned her.
"No, Rin..." he whispered. His voice was hurt; both eyes were sorrowful and grievous.
"How could you..." Kakashi stared at her – her eyes still hidden underneath a mass of russet silk. "How could you do that to me? How could you use that against me?"
The Sharingan. She was talking about his Sharingan. "I'm sorry, Rin-chan," he told her. "I'm sorry..."
"You aren't the boy I knew. You aren't the same person I admired. What you've done to me..." She lifted her head, blood flowing from her eyes. Yes, blood. Flowing from her eyes. Were these her true tears? Was he hallucinating? "I can never forgive you."
"R-Rin—"
"If you'd slit my throat, told me I was trash...anything but that...I could have forgiven you. But to use the Sharingan...the very Sharingan I took from Obito and gave to you...your gift from a dying teammate, no – a dying brother...how could you?" Her voice was dangerously low, her brown eyes narrowed into mere slits. "You deserve to be forgotten."
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Kakashi hurriedly wiped at his right eye. "Damn..." he mumbled wretchedly, ashamed to be weeping in front of the dead...those who truly deserved to weep.
"Hatake-san?! Crying no less? Why, this is unheard of!" The voice jolted Kakashi out of his trance. There, not ten yards away, stood a very bold Akatsuki. So, Obito had returned had he?
"You..." the Jounin hissed from beneath his mask. He'd wondered when his teammate would revisit him. "I thought you'd died, Obito."
Tobi slapped his forehead. "Aw, man! She told you!? I was hoping to keep it a surprise!"
"Stop playing games with me, Uchiha! How are you still alive?! And why did you join the Akatsuki?"
"Now, now, Hatake-san..." protested the other. "So many questions! And there's no need to get angry. I just came for a little chat, that's all."
Kakashi stood tensely, preparing to fight if need be. "Then..." he began. "What would you like to 'chat' about, old friend?" His voice was saturated with scorn.
Tobi shrugged. "How about Rin-chan? I hope you've been treating her well, Hatake-san. She's a very fragile blossom you know." The Akatsuki's friendly tone turned icy in only a few words. "I know she's remembered you by now, and I would appreciate having her returned to me."
"And what makes you think that she wants to be 'returned'?"
"Oh, come now!" Tobi put his hands on his hips. "I've seen her in an awakened state twice already – she isn't...well. Not when she remembers everything..."
The Jounin noted the rather sad tone in his old comrade's voice. Did he still have feelings for Rin? "Perhaps she'll be better if—"
"You promised me."
Kakashi narrowed his good eye. "Excuse me?"
"You promised me you'd protect her, Kakashi. You fucking promised!" The man's voice grew angry and dangerous. All politeness was instantly dropped. "I thought I'd left her in good hands, but come to find out – who do I happen upon years later? That's right - I found Rin. And do you know what, Kakashi? Guess how I found her?"
He didn't want to guess. He didn't want to know.
"She was wandering around half dead and without a single fucking memory. She didn't know what her name was. She didn't know where she came from. She was in rags. She was starving. She was...broken..." Tobi pointed an accusing finger at the Jounin. "And you made her like that. You don't know how to protect anyone, do you? All you did was hurt her."
Kakashi felt weak. Wasn't he the one supposed to be questioning Obito? Wasn't Kakashi supposed to be accusing Obito of damaging Rin? "No...I..."
"Rin-chan will come with me. I won't let her past plague her, because I'm not as selfish as you are."
"So you'll let her die?!" cried the other, fury overtaking the man and giving him a sudden (though debatable) clarity of mind. "She staged suicide for your sake! She forgot everything for you! Now you'll just sit back and watch as she kills herself!?"
Tobi chuckled. Was it sorrowfully? Did he (God forbid) pity Kakashi? "She said that? And you...believed her? I thought you were smarter than that. It seems time really has taken its toll on you, Hatake-san."
Said Hatake froze. "W-What...what did you say?"
"You honestly think she did all of it for me? True, some of it might have been for my sake, and I wish with all my heart that she hadn't done it. But..." Kakashi was sure the Akatsuki was smiling behind his mask. "You were the one who did this to her. She would have healed. She would have become our Rin-chan again if you'd protected her like I asked you to. Regrettably though, you failed at it." Tobi shaded his one eye. "So, let me take her away. She's said her goodbyes? Told you what she wanted to tell you?"
Kakashi stared hard at the ground. Shame was spilling everywhere, dirtying the nice clean grass.
Tobi duly noted this. "What. Have. You. Done?" he demanded darkly.
"The gift...I used it..." The Jounin touched his hitai-ate. "I made her tell me everything."
"Bastard!"
He nodded sullenly in agreement. He was a bastard.
"This is what I was talking about. Even now...even now, you only bring her more pain. She loved you. She loved you!" Tobi's voice was thick. Kakashi thought he might be crying underneath that fiery orange mask.
"I'm sorry..." whispered the Jounin. "I don't know what to do now."
"Beg her forgiveness. Get down on your knees and beg like the fucking dog you are!!" the Akatsuki demanded hoarsely. "Goddamnit, Kakashi – I swear to God, I'll kill you. I'll fucking kill you if she's worse off than before. Do you know how she begged? Do you know how badly she wanted to see you before...before..." Tobi had to turn away.
Kakashi was wallowing in misery. Why did everything hurt so badly? Was it because he realized how much of a disgrace he was? Was it because he'd realized how much Rin had cared for him? He clutched at his chest, pulling at the cloth covering his heart. Something was stabbing him there, though he knew not what.
"I'll come for her in one day."
He slowly lifted his good eye to meet Obito's.
"That's all you've got to make things right. I want her to be happy at the end. I want these last memories to be good ones." Tobi held up his right forefinger ominously. "You have one day." A sudden gust of wind rushed through the clearing – making Kakashi wince, and when he opened his eye again...Tobi was gone.
"One day..." a voice echoed eerily. "...That's all you get..."
Kakashi nodded. Yes. Of course. He would beg. He would beg her forgiveness. He would make things right with her. And before it was too late...
He'd tell her he loved her.
It was the least he could do now. After all these years of denying his poor Rin-chan, Kakashi would finally tell her what he'd ached to tell her. What she'd ached to hear.
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"Hokage-sama, please!" he almost shouted. "I need to see her!"
Tsunade crossed her arms irritably. "Like hell I'll let you see her!" she retorted. "Do you have any idea of what you've done to her?! She refused to so much as speak after your little 'interrogation'!"
"Please, Tsunade..." he pleaded, casting aside all formalities now. "I have to...She's dying."
The Godaime only stared coldly at the man. "Yes, I know. We've got her entire 'confession' on tape thanks to your Sharingan. Damnit, Kakashi! That was so...stupid!"
The Jounin sighed heavily, pocketing his hands. "I know," was all he said.
"You overreacted out of envy. It was right after she told you she did it for that Uchiha. I thought you were more level-headed than that, Hatake..."
He knew he should be listening to this, but frankly – Kakashi's mind was wandering over to more important matters. He'd see Rin one way or the other, even if Tsunade refused to let him into her room. Yes, they'd moved Rin for a third time – back to the ICU. She was strapped to a bed, put on ventilators, and fed through a tube in her side. They weren't about to let her die on them so easily. The silver-haired man had watched scores of doctors enter and exit the room, shaking their heads in disbelief.
"It's truly amazing..." he heard one say. "To think that someone so young could create such a devastating technique."
"Yes," replied his assistant. "But I wonder...perhaps if it were revised..."
The first turned to her eagerly. His eyes were greedy and filled with an arrogant desire...sickening. "You mean – if we were able to remove the aftereffects..."
"It might be used on battle-worn shinobi!" she finished. "Think of the possibilities, Doctor! All the emotional trauma – we could free them from all of that!"
Kakashi stopped listening at that point. It was making him nauseous to hear them talk about shinobi like this...hear them talk about using Rin in such a disgusting fashion. He'd have none of it.
"...listening to me?!!?"
Her screech jolted him back to the present. "Eh, sorry. I..."
"Yada, yada," she snapped. "Fine. See Rin, but don't you dare touch her! Got it?"
"Of course, Hokage-sama. You have my word."
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Well...here he was. Kakashi stood at the foot of Rin's bed, observing her with a quiet vigilance. She was asleep now – though, "asleep" wasn't really the proper word for it. Tsunade had pumped her so full of sedatives, the Jounin was sure the poor girl had entered more of a comatose state than she had a restful sleep.
He noted the various equipment surrounding the bed – all of it attached to her in one way or another. The ugly machines forcing Rin to live couldn't mar that gentle beauty of hers though. She'd always been so pretty, especially when she slept. At least Kakashi thought so. He wished he'd have told her that before all of this happened. The Jounin knew she would have liked that. She would have liked that a lot. He walked over to Rin's side now.
Quietly, and against Tsunade's order, the man reached out to touch one of her tattoos. He'd always wondered where she'd gotten those – was she inked during childhood? Or perhaps these were a family trait...a birthmark of sorts? He might never know.
The machine behind him started beeping loudly, causing the man to turn and see what was wrong. It seemed her heart rate was increasing abnormally fast. Several nurses rushed in, ordering him to "move aside". Kakashi did so worriedly, anxious to know what was going on. Several tense moments and injections later, Rin was back to normal. Well, as normal as she could be right now.
"Nightmares," one nurse explained. "She has them every half-hour or so. Poor thing used to wail so loudly and cry...we had to feed her more sedatives to put her easy again." She sighed. "Sad thing is that it hasn't helped. But, at least she doesn't cry anymore."
"Yes, at least she doesn't cry..." he mumbled in misery. "Will she wake up anytime soon?"
The nurse shook her head. "We're afraid that she might try to do something. Her fingers were taped, but we don't know if she'll make an attempt at suicide...I'm sorry."
He nodded. She left. So Rin wouldn't be waking up on her own then? Kakashi looked at the clock - seventeen hours left. Not much time at all really. Of course, he could always try fighting Obito off, but something inside said that it'd be all wrong. Obito was still Obito...and he still cared for Rin. That made Kakashi hate him a little less.
He reached out and carefully took a hold of her hand with his own. The silver-haired Jounin smiled a little when he felt the girl unconsciously tighten her grip around it, almost bidding him to stay with her. Kakashi nodded. "I'll stay with you, Rin-chan. Don't worry."
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Fourteen hours.
Time was running out. The man hadn't let go of her for three hours now, but frankly – holding her hand and sitting here didn't technically "make things right". He had to do something.
The Hatake glanced over at the array of machinery, trying to decide which one was keeping her asleep. Aha. That one. Just as he was reaching to flip the switch, who should walk in but a very shocked and soon-to-be-angry Tsunade?
"Of course. Just my luck..." he muttered silently as she stormed over.
"What did I tell you?!" she hissed at the man. Kakashi only stared sorrowfully at the Hokage in response, not sure whether or not he should tell her about Obito and his little "demand". Tsunade didn't lighten up in the least bit.
"Hokage-sama. Please. I want...I need to tell her something."
"Like what?" the blonde demanded, folding her arms. "What exactly do you have to tell her, Hatake?"
The Jounin returned his gaze to Rin's troubled face; her brow was furrowed as she fought off an unseen phantasm from her past. The sheen of sweat across her forehead told them that this was a particularly wicked nightmare. "I want her forgiveness," he said quietly. "And..."
Tsunade held up her hand, signaling he needn't continue. "Kakashi-san, I understand, but..."
"I'm running out of time!" he croaked hoarsely. "Please, Hokage-sama!"
She noted his desperation, her own brown eyes softening for a moment. Perhaps she remembered her own love, dying while she could only stand by and watch? The older woman glanced over to Rin, analyzing every aspect of her condition – trying to determine whether or not she should grant Kakashi this request. "If we shut it off now...she should be awake by tomorrow morning."
Kakashi's lone eye widened. "Tomorrow...morning..." he repeated, not sure if he'd heard her right. "Why so long?"
"The sedatives we used have saturated her entire system – the blood cells are practically caked with the stuff. It'll take a while to wear off, but be thankful. For anyone else, I'd have flat out refused, Hatake."
The man nodded. "I'm truly grateful, Hokage-sama...but is there any way to cleanse her system faster?"
Tsunade raised an eyebrow warily. "No, there isn't. Why are you in such a rush anyways?"
He blinked a few times, frantically formulating a feasible lie, but it was in vain. Kakashi was drawing blanks. "I'm just anxious, that's all," he replied lamely.
The Godaime nodded, said a few parting words, then left the pair alone after switching the machine off. The Jounin watched her go for a moment, before turning back to Rin. "Now..." he whispered. "All we can do is wait."
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'Sanku to all you lovely reviewers out there! ;D
Sakra-chan: alrighteh...I'm so confused about messaging. I have no idea how it works on here (couldn't find an inbox). Anyways, thanks for offering though. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy to know someone cares. And...I was nearly brought to tears after reading your review. I don't think my head can really get any bigger. Thank you so much for your kind words, and I just hope I can live up to them!
Eldr-Fire: I'm glad you're so...touched by it? Maybe? Anywho, I hope I can keep up that general mood – sad, yet intriguing...I think. "
Mojo817: Four reviews all at once!? I'm so thankful for every one – thanks for your input and yes. I laughed quiet a lot at the second one. I think I'd just like to believe that Kakashi isn't quite so perverted as Kishimoto insinuates. xD
edlovesjuicyfruit7: Awww...thank you!! That was really nice of you. Also, I'm glad I could give you another insight into Kakashi. Everyone seems to think he's just a carefree, lazy-ass pervert, but I say otherwise. I mean c'mon. He had a pretty sad childhood – there's definitely scars. Also, I say you're a pretty good author yourself! I took a peek at your story, and you're very good with words. Don't undermine yourself! ;)
Anyways, I think that's about it. So will Rin wake up before Obito returns? Even I don't know (...or do I?). That's why I'm off now to write the next chapter! So until then...
- Hikari