-1"I'm trying, mom!" I screamed, mascara tears streaming my face. No matter what I did, nothing was ever good enough for her. I could win a Grammy and she'd ask why I didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize. What had I done this time? I forgot to pick up her takeout order after school, something I really should have remembered on top of everything else I had to do. I mean, it should have been my top priority over going to a meeting with Sauvé after school and after being preached at by Mr. Armstrong for failing math. I watched as she grabbed her vodka bottle again and collapsed onto the couch.
"All I ask you to do is to remember one thing, Eleanor. After all I've done for you and you can't even do one thing for me!" She rambled, grabbing her cigarettes off of the table next to her. I crossed my arms over my chest defensively, how could she think that I don't do things for her? I devoted half of my life to looking after her, to make sure she didn't do something stupid while she was drunk. I cleaned up the mess of vodka bottles and cigarette butts every night. I did the shopping and money management for us. I was doing everything that she refused to do and yet she could lay in front of me and say that I did nothing.
"Look, I know you miss dad but so do I. Don't take it out on me!" I said, and immediately wished I could take it back. How stupid was I to bring him into this? If I'd learned one thing over the time that dad had been gone it was to not bring him up, not even to mention his name in the house. She looked up at me for a split second before kicking the table in front of her over, vodka bottles shattering everywhere. I jumped and covered my mouth with my hand, knowing I'd set her off. "I'm sorry." I said hardly above a whisper as I hurried to clean up the mess. Sounds of her sobbing quickly filled the room, she didn't waste a second though to grab one of the unbroken bottles of vodka from the floor and put it to her lips. "I'll make us some supper, okay? Or I could go and get us that takeout that you ordered; whatever you want." I picked up the biggest pieces of the bottle and waited for her to answer me but she just turned away from me on the couch.
I sighed, the sad part was that I cared. I really truly cared if I upset her, because she was the only thing that I had left. She was the only person in the world that actually needed me. Without her, I would be nothing. I shook my head, disappointed in myself and hurried to the kitchen, throwing the pieces of broken glass in the trash. I started to walk away but paused, turning back to the wastebasket. I opened it and grabbed one of the pieces of glass and ran my finger along the edge of it. Somehow, it was comforting to just hold it. Not as comforting as it would be to make myself bleed with it. To make myself hurt like I'd just hurt my mother. I swallowed hard and pulled up my sleeve, admiring the fact that I only had one fresh cut on my arm from a couple of days ago. The rubber bands that Sauvé had given me were kind of working, to my surprise. Not this time though, the voice in my head screamed for me to stop but hearing my mother still crying from the other room was louder, it was telling me to do it. Not literally of course, but hearing her hurt so badly made me want me to feel pain as well. I pressed it above my wrist and slid it upwards, sighing with relieve. I was in ecstasy for a few seconds, but I needed to do one more, so I did. And then one more, and before I realized it I had four new cuts on my arm. I squeezed the piece of glass in my hand in anger and began crying as blood ran down my arm and from my hand as I dropped the bloodstained glass back in the garbage.
"I hate you." I cried to myself, grabbing the kitchen towel off of the counter and pressing it against my hand and arm. Once I had my arm and hand cleaned, I began making supper for my mother and I. I made our favorite, spaghetti. Or, I thought it was our favorite. When I was little we used to eat it all of the time because my parents loved watching me try and slurp the noodles off of my plate. I smiled just thinking about it and walked back into the living room, plates in hand. I sat the table back upright and set our plates on it, gently touching my mother's shoulder to make her look at me. "Mom, supper is ready." I sighed as I realized that she had passed out for the night, it was no use waking her either; she would be throwing up as soon as she woke up and saw food in front of her. I grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and covered her up, placing a kiss on her forehead before retreating to my room. I jumped and hurried for the door as the doorbell rang. Shit, I had totally forgotten about my date with Sean. I opened the door partially, hoping he's get the hint that he wasn't invited in.
"Hey, you ready?" He asked, smirking at me. I bit my lip and looked back at my mother on the couch, contemplating whether or not to leave her alone. I looked back at Sean and realized I couldn't say no. Besides, she was asleep for the night, it wasn't like she was going to do anything stupid while she was passed out.
"Uh, yeah. Let me grab my jacket quick and I'll meet you in your car." I said, not waiting for an answer. I shut the door in his face and grabbed a pen and paper and scribbled a note for my mother, just in case she did for any reason wake up. 'Mom, had to go to Ashley's. Be back soon, love El.' I slipped on my jacket and hurried out to Sean's car where he was waiting. He had some kind of shitty rap music on and I gave him a weird look. "You mean to tell me that there are people out there that actually listen to this kind of music?" I laughed, covering my ears. "I think my ears are bleeding."
"Hey, don't be putting D12 down, they're good." Sean laughed, turning the music up even louder.
"Yeah, they are really good. All of those rappers walk around with their pants half way down their ass, thinking they are all tough and bad but really it's just one big joke. Eminem is probably a baby in real life, but he can't show it or he'd hurt his image." I laughed again, seeing Sean's shocked face. He couldn't seriously like this kind of music, could he?
"Oh yeah? Well what kind of music do you consider good then? Brittany Spears or something?" He asked defensively. My mouth dropped in shock that he had actually asked me that. Did I look like the kind of girl who listened to Brittany Spears?
"You've got to be kidding me. I rather dig my eyes out with a spoon than listen to her. No, good music is like The Used or Thirty Seconds To Mars or Papa Roach, those kind of bands. Oh, and Evanescence has a few good songs, a little morbid sure but still good." I smiled, turning down the music.
"Yeah, sure those are great bands if you want to listen to depressing music. But if you want to listen to some real music, listen to this stuff." He said as well pulled into his driveway.
"Yeah, and listening to music about some guy killing another guy in a rap is so much more interesting." I teased, getting out of the car. He shrugged and led me into his house, it was the first time I'd ever been over and it was different from what I had expected.
"Okay, fine truce on the music thing. So, welcome to the Cameron Inn, this is it." He said, showing me around his house. "Oh, and this is Tracker, my brother…who was just leaving." Sean hinted to his brother who was eating a bowl of cereal. Tracker rolled his eyes and dropped his spoon, heading for the door.
"Nice to meet you, I guess my brother says I'm leaving though, sorry I can't stay. You kids behave now." Tracker joked as he walked out of the house.
"Well, that is basically the tour so what do you want to do now? Watch movies or something? We don't have much to choose from but it's something to do." Sean said, flipping the television on as he plopped down on the couch, pulling me on top of him. I giggled and scooted close to him as he turned off the lights. "So, what do your friends think? You dating Degrassi's bad boy and all?" He asked as I leaned my head on his shoulder. Suddenly, I wasn't shy around Sean anymore. It felt as if I'd known him forever.
"I didn't know I was dating Jay." I laughed, sticking my tongue out at him. He dropped him mouth in mock hurt and pushed me down against the couch jokingly and held me there, leaning in for a kiss which I gladly accepted. As we pulled away, he took my hands in his and pulled me back up to a sitting position. "Ow!" I winced, grabbing my hand back from him. I examined my hand and remember I had accidentally cut it while I was in the kitchen.
"Sorry, did I hurt you?" He asked, trying to see what was wrong. I pulled my hand closer to my body and held it against my chest, covering it with my other arm. "Let me see." He said, grabbing my wrist and pulling away from me. "What happened to your hand?" He asked, his voice dripping with concern. I frowned and pull it away from him, angry that I'd let him see it.
"It's nothing, really. I was cutting an apple, the knife slipped. So, what movie are we watching?" I asked, turning my attention to the television screen. He stared at me for awhile in silence, as if he were trying to read me or something. "What?" I asked, annoyed.
"Did you-" He paused, motioning to my arm. I crossed my arms in anger and shook my head, scooting away from him.
"First of all, no. And second of all, what I do is none of your business so can we just drop this?" I snapped, pulling my knees up to my chest. Sean looked at me for a few more seconds and nodded, grabbing the remote again.
"Yeah, you're right. It is none of my business, sorry." We sat in silence for the rest of the night until I got sick of it and left without saying a word. I could tell Sean was upset but like I had said, it wasn't any of his business. Just because he knew my secret didn't mean that he could help.