-1"I hate you. I hate you." I repeated under my breath to myself, digging my fingernails into my wrist. My body shivered, I wasn't dressed properly to be sitting outside in the rain. It was the night after I'd left Sean's house and I hadn't gone to school at all, I knew he was probably wondering where I was but I couldn't call him. My day had been horrible, but it was getting easier, I was getting used to those kinds of days. My father had called that morning, shaking my mother and I even more. I've never seen her that drunk in my entire life, which is saying a lot. I could hear her crying from inside of the house from where I was sitting on the steps of our porch. I was drenched from head to toe but somehow my body blocked out the cold and replaced it with a numbness.
I brought my knees up to my chest and rested my head against them, coving my eyes with my hands as I started to cry. The best part about sitting in the rain was that nobody could tell that you were crying; nobody except yourself and that bothered me. Weak people cried. So many people in the world had it worse than I did at that moment, some were being killed, beaten, tortured and I was simply sitting alone in the rain. I didn't have the right to cry. My father was overseas fighting for his country and was he crying? Of course not.
I had tried calling Marco earlier when I knew that school was over, to talk to him and tell him what had happened but Mrs. Delrossi told me he was out with Dylan at a hockey game. I couldn't tell anybody else, Marco was the only one that knew about my dad being gone and my mother's condition. I hadn't exactly told him but he figured it out a few months ago and I was somewhat relieved that he could comfort me when I needed it. Lately though, he was distant, always talking about Dylan or how his father almost caught them together. I couldn't blame him though, he had his own problems to deal with, it wasn't his job to take care of mine.
"You weren't at school today, I figured something was wrong." Sean said, waking me from my thoughts. I looked up and saw him walking towards me, his hands shoved in his torn blue jeans. His white t-shirt was soaked and I realized that he had walked here. I stayed silent for awhile, unsure of what to say. After a few minutes of awkward silence, he took a seat next to me on the porch out in the rain. "You okay?" He asked cautiously, obviously not wanting to set me off like he had the previous night.
"Yep." I said softly, nodding. I ran a hand over my cheek to remove some of the water and realized that my mascara or eyeliner was running down my face in black streaks. "Great, so much for waterproof makeup." I muttered, shaking my head.
"I always wondered if that stuff actually worked." Sean said lightly, trying to crack a joke. I tried to force a smile and rested my head against my knees once again, hiding my face. "So, do you do this often? Sit out in the rain alone?" He asked, scooting a little closer to me. I raised my head just enough to make eye contact with him for a few seconds.
"You shouldn't be here." I said, not answering him.
"Do you want to break up?" He suddenly asked, shocking me. I sat up straighter, giving him my full attention. "I mean, I don't or anything but if you're not into it I don't want you to feel obligated or anything like that. You can tell me." I stared at him, my eyes wide. Was that the message I was giving off? I buried my head again, my body shaking as cries escaped me for the first time in front of Sean. I screwed up again, only this time it was with Sean and now I was probably going to lose him too.
"I'm sorry-" I said between cries. Sean looked at me, unsure of what to do. Unsure of what I would let him do. He hesitantly pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around me. When I didn't stop him, he carefully took my arm and began pulling up my sleeve, revealing more than a dozen fresh cuts. I looked away, ashamed that I had done it yesterday and more today. He gently grabbed my chin, making me look him in the eyes.
"Why are you doing this?" His voice was softer than before. I shook my head, wishing I could tell him but I couldn't. It wasn't just one thing, and there wasn't just one answer. He sighed, obviously unsatisfied that I wasn't going to answer. "Come on, let's go inside and get you some dry clothes before you freeze." I pulled away from him, standing and starting towards the door of my house. He started to follow me but I stopped him.
"Sean, some things are just private. I don't want to get you in the middle of this, okay? So just go home, I'll see you at school tomorrow or I'll call you or something." I said softly.
"Please, Ellie, let me help. I can't go home now anyways, Tracker's got his girlfriend over and he gave me twenty bucks to leave for the night." He smiled, handing it to me. "I'll pay you twenty bucks if I can spend the night." I smiled for the first time all night.
"You make it sound like I'm some kind of hooker or something." I said, wiping my eyes. He smirked at me, shaking his head.
"Don't be silly, if you were a hooker you would be worth a hell of a lot more than twenty dollars." He joked, taking my hands in his. "Please, El?" I swallowed hard, debating if I should let him stay. I knew my mother was passed out in her room already, and I'd cleaned up so there would be no obvious evidence. I nodded, finally giving in to his request. I just hoped that I wasn't making a huge mistake by inviting him to spend the night.