-1Sorry it's been so long since my last post, I've been really sick with mono but I'm better now so I'll be back writing again. :o)
"Ellie, it's nice to see you again." Sauvé greeted me, inviting me in her office. I sat across from her in my usual chair. "So, how have you been? You missed your last session, any reason why?" She asked gently, grabbing her notebook and pencil. Sometimes I wondered what she wrote about me in there, I wondered if she thought I was crazy or something.
"Um, I was sick." I lied, biting my bottom lip nervously. She nodded but clearly she didn't believe me. I sighed softly and began to fiddle with the ring around my finger. "I'm sorry, I should have called or something I guess." I added, not looking up at her.
"No, it's okay I just wish I knew why you skipped our session. Lately I feel like we've been making such great progress, maybe it's scaring you? Should we go a bit slower?" She asked, she was always so considerate. That was one thing that I actually liked about these sessions. Of course I hated going but if I was going to go, I'd want a counselor like Sauvé.
"No, it's fine." I said softly. I swallowed hard, wondering what our topic would be today. The last session we had together was definitely the closest she'd come to getting me to talk. I couldn't say that I fully trusted Sauvé yet but somehow it was getting easier to talk with each time that I went. She always seemed to say the right thing at the right time.
"So, last session you told me your father was gone on a military peace-keeping mission." She said, looking at me for confirmation. I nodded my head, reaching for a rubber band just at the thought of him. I winced again as the rubber met my skin. Elastic therapy may not be as satisfying as cutting but if done repeatedly it can come in a close second. "And I see that it's still a hard topic for you to discuss right now. So what about your mother, Judy? What kind of relationship do you have with her?" She asked, checking my files on her desk for my mothers name. I snapped the rubber band harder but stayed silent, unsure of what to say. "Okay, how about I get you started. Would you say that you two are close?"
"It depends what you consider close, I guess." I said, avoiding the question. "Look, I know your just doing your job or whatever but I'm sick of talking about my family when they have nothing to do with this." I brought my knees up to my chest and rested my head on them.
"Okay, we can take a break from it for now, Ellie but I want you to know that they do have a lot to do with your self-harm. What would you feel comfortable talking about today?" She asked, setting her notebook down on her desk, giving me her full attention. I shrugged, trying to come up with something but I was blank. "I see that you have a new significant other." I was surprised that she knew, and more surprised that she actually brought it up.
"Um, yeah. How did you-" I began.
"I work in a high school, I hear and see a lot." She said, smiling. I nodded and released the grip I had around my rubber band. "So, how is the relationship going if you don't mind me asking?" I smiled, feeling a bit weird talking about my boyfriend to my school counselor.
"Well, I'd say it's going good." I laughed nervously. "It feels like Sean and I can talk about anything, and at the same time I haven't known him for very long. It's nice to feel…" I paused, searching for the right word, "wanted."
"Yes, it is good to feel wanted, Ellie." She nodded, agreeing with me. "So, you say you two can talk about anything, have you two discussed your cutting yet?"
"Actually, I showed him the first day. I don't completely know why I did, but it's nice not to have to hide it from him. We've talked about it too, I've told him things that I've never told anybody and it may sound crazy but when I feel like cutting, I think of him and it helps me stop." I smiled, looking up at her but she didn't look as happy as I was.
"Ellie, I know that you probably feel that this is a step in the right direction but it's not. Don't get me wrong, I think that you and Sean can help each other a lot but from what you are describing, it sounds like you could be starting to become dependant on him. You need to stop yourself because you don't want to cut, not because Sean wouldn't want you to. Are you understanding where I'm coming from?" She asked, scribbling something down in her notebook.
"I guess, but the other night when I let him see my cuts-" I started, but stopped when I realized what I'd just said. I looked up at Sauvé to see if she'd caught my slip-up and she definitely had. I groaned softly, shaking my head. "No, what I meant was-" I began, but it was no use, she already knew that I'd cut again.
"How bad?" She asked, pulling her chair next to mine as if she expected me to show her. I shook my head and pulled my arm closer to me, I wasn't going to let her see. My eyes shot to the clock and I realized that I only had a few more minutes left of the session.
"I have to go." I said as I hurried out the door, ignoring her calls. I smiled, feeling relieved when I saw Sean outside waiting for me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against him.
"Well, how did it go today?" He asked, taking my hands in his. I shrugged, unsure of how to answer so I pulled him into a kiss. "That good, huh?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.