-1I looked up at him, tears streaming down my face. My mouth was open, as if I wanted to say something but I couldn't. He immediately pulled me inside, concerned plastered across his face. I dropped my bag on the floor in front of him, and he shot me a confused look. Tracker, who was sitting a few feet away from us looked up and took the hint that he should leave. After he walked out, Sean dragged me over to the couch and sat next to me.
"El-" He started, but didn't go anywhere with it. I grabbed my duffle bag that I'd carried with me and opened it, dumping the contents of it onto the floor between us. Sean looked at me, confused but sat in silence as I dug through the pile of stuff. When I found what I was looking for, I wrapped my hand around it tightly and handed it to him. "You didn't-" He held his head in his hands, obviously unsure of what to do or what to say. I touched his leg and shook me head, still not able to say anything.
"I'm scared." I finally said, sliding off of the couch and onto my knees. He bit his lip and knelt down next to me on the floor, touching my arm gently. Letting out a long and shaky breath, I decided to continue. "I feel like I'm going to do it." My voice was scratchy, I wasn't used to screaming and yelling so much in one night.
"You don't have to cut, okay? I'm right here, talk to me. Tell me what's going on." He said, taking my hand in his. I frowned and shook my head, he hadn't understood what I meant. Nervously, I looked away and let a few more tears fall. Sean set the razorblade down on the table in front of him, far away from me.
"No, I'm not talking about that." I admitted. This was the first time I ever even considered telling someone about how I felt at times like these. He scratched his head, carefully lacing his fingers through mine. "I mean…" I paused, this definitely wasn't an easy thing to do. "I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't think I can hang on any longer, Sean. I'm trying- God, I'm trying but a part of me just wants to end it." I felt myself completely breaking down. "I want this to be the last night that I feel like this."
There was a long, long silence between us but surprisingly, I didn't mind it. The silence was a nice break from all of the yelling I'd just done. After awhile, I looked over at Sean and saw him hiding his face from me. Somehow, I knew what he was hiding. I cried harder, squeezing his hand; he had tears in his eyes. We sat there in the middle of his living room for what was close to an hour, not saying anything.
"You can't do it." Sean finally said, making eye contact with me. "I need you." I smiled a little, it wasn't very often that I heard someone say that to me. "I don't care what I have to do, but I can't let you do it. Tell me what I have to do, I'll do it." He begged, resting his head back on the couch. I contemplated it for awhile before answering.
"Tell me I'll never be like her. Tell me that I'm different." I pulled my hand away from Sean and wrapped my arms around my knees. He suddenly grabbed me, pulling me towards him so I was looking at him. I jumped, not expecting him to grab me.
"You are nothing like her, you never will be, Ellie." He practically yelled. I looked at him, startled but I couldn't pull away from him, he was just doing what I asked him to do. "She may not love you, but I do, okay?" I let him pull me even closer to him and wrap his arms around me tightly.
"She knows about it, she knows about everything. I showed her my arm, and she still insisted on making it about her, Sean. Everything I try, nothing works. I want my mom back, I want the person that I knew back, the one that loved me. I keep trying but I can't make her come back." I shook my head, not understanding where I was going wrong.
"I hate her for putting you through this, and I know you want everything to go back to normal, El, but the truth is that it will never be the same. I wished so many times that my parents would come some day and be sober and we could all be a happy family again but after awhile, you've got to realize it's never going to happen. You've got to start doing things for yourself, not for others. Just because your mom gave up doesn't mean you should. You are stronger than her, even if you can't see it. I used to think that being a screw-up ran in my family, but then I learned that I'm my own person. No matter what anybody else says or does, it's up to me to take control of my life." He leaned in as he talked until he was inches away from my face. I nodded in agreement, and let him pull me into a long kiss. "Well, that was a little cheesy wasn't it?" He said, smiling as we pulled apart.
"No, it was sweet." I said honestly. "And what you said, it's true. I know it probably sounds stupid but just hearing you say that you care, it means a lot." I smiled and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I love you, I have no idea what I'd do if I didn't have you." He nodded in agreement and began playing with the carpet.
"So, do you want to tell me what happened?" He asked gently. At first I shook my head, I didn't feel like going through the whole thing again but then I eventually agreed, after all, Sean was nice enough to let me in his house and help me, so he kind of deserved to know what was going on. "It's okay, you can tell me."
"I don't know, I walked into the living room and she was there on the couch with a bottle in her hand. Sean, I don't understand. Why is she doing this? I mean, she could have died last night and she acts like it's no big deal! I guess the next thing I know I'm screaming and pouring her vodka down the drain in the kitchen." I said, frowning.
"I know it's hard to understand, but alcohol does crazy things to people, El. Wait, you poured her alcohol down the sink?" He looked at me in shock. "That was a…brave move. I take it she didn't find that amusing?" He said, shaking his head.
"That's an understatement." I smirked, nodding. "We fought some more, and then it just happened. I showed her my arm, and it didn't feel as horrible as I thought it would. Then again, her not being sober made it a little more easy." He nodded understandingly and offered me a hand and helped me off of the floor. I followed him to the kitchen and let him make me some hot chocolate.
"So, I'm assuming she freaked out when she saw your arm, then?" He asked, handing me a mug of the hot chocolate. I accepted it and wrapped my hands around the mug, warming them. Sean sat down at the kitchen table across from me, his own mug in his hand.
"Actually, it wasn't exactly what I would call freaking out. She just didn't understand it, she thought it was an attention thing or something. And I, not in the mood to explain it, said that if she was so sick of putting up with me that I'd leave. We exchanged a few more harsh words and here I am, with you. I know I can't stay here but I thought maybe I could spend a night or two until she cools down. We said some things neither of us really meant, and I think we could use a few nights apart but if not, I understand. I could probably crash at Marco's or something." I said, taking a sip of the steaming liquid.
"Don't be ridiculous, you know you can stay here whenever you need to. Hell, move in if you want to. I'm sure Tracker wouldn't mind as long as you don't mind pizza every other night." He laughed, setting his mug down on the table. I smiled and thought about it, but there was no way I could actually move in with him. I mean, what would people think? Besides, the thing with my mom was bound to blow over sooner or later. "Do you need to borrow a shirt to sleep in or anything?" He asked. I shook my head, I was happy that I'd managed to pack at least a few of my things before leaving. "If you want, you can take my bed and I'll take the couch. You look like you could use some sleep." I opened my mouth to protest but he stopped me before I could even say anything. "Don't argue, it's fine." I laughed and shook my head at him.
"I wasn't going to argue. I was going to say, maybe we could share your bed? I don't mean like, you know… Just sleeping in the same bed is all." I said, smiling when Sean seemed to light up at the thought. "Hey, easy there. I said just sleeping in the same bed, nothing else."
"I like that idea, I like it a lot." He smiled. I nodded, I figured he would like the idea of us in bed together again. I quickly finished my hot chocolate and followed Sean to his room. Without hesitation, I began to change into my pajamas. For some reason, I didn't mind so much that Sean was in the room with me this time. "When you said you fought, I didn't know you meant you actually fought." Sean pointed out as I lifted my shirt off. I looked at him confused and then looked down, seeing a bruise forming on my abdomen from when I'd hit the table. "Ellie…" He said, looking at me seriously.
"Sean, I swear it's not like it's happened before. Seriously, it's not a big deal. We both lost our temper, it was stupid. But like I said, it's the first time and it won't happen again." I said calmly, wishing he hadn't seen. Sometimes little things began to be blown out of proportion and I didn't want this to be one of those things.
"I don't want you going back there, El. I'm serious about the moving in thing. We could make it work, I swear. Tracker likes you a hell of a lot more than Emma, and he's only met you a few times. Please, just think about it." He begged, resting his hands on my near bare shoulders. I nodded a little and turned away from him, slipping my bra off and putting on a long sleeved shirt and a pair of shorts to sleep in.
"Sean, I know you're just trying to help but I seriously don't think that my mother or Tracker would approve of me living here. I would if I could, but I just don't think it would work. Besides, leaving my mom alone all of the time might be kind of…hard." I admitted, crawling in the bed next to him.
"Just think about it before you answer, okay?" He said, wrapping his arms around me. I smiled and nodded, wondering what it would be like to live away from home. I knew it wouldn't work, but it was nice to think about it. Come home every night and not having to worry if I'm going to have to see anybody passed out or having to clean up after anybody. "I love you, El." I heard him whisper as I fell asleep, thoughts of me living with Sean still running through my head.