Barbie Guy

By Natasha Shaitanova

Disclaimer : I don't own Aqua lyrics (although I severely mutilated them here) and I don't own Harry Potter (although, I suppose that can be debatable since I'm making use of its characters anyway and reviews can be considered profit……….forget I said that! No suing!)

Quick A/N: Ok, people, I hope you have a rather…flexible sense of humor because this chapter is going to be a bit…weirder than usual. And it's Draco again. So, Draco fans…don't rejoice yet—I'm poking fun at him. Yeah, love the character too, blah, blah…but he is a perfect walking parody.

Enjoy!

Draco scowled as he clung to the wall in front of the double doors leading to the Great Hall and he could swear his knees were not too stable. He glared at his best friend.

"Oh, come on, Draco, mine was worse," Blaise grinned at the pouting blond and stretched his arms out to the sides: red…gold…Lion smack in the middle.

If your spot on the IQ scale somewhat surpasses Goyle's, then perhaps you guessed the issue at hand—three words: party, hungover, dare.

Oh, yes. The Slytherins certainly indulged in dares every now and then (cough, smashingly bloody pissed) and as much as Draco abhorred the upcoming tragedy of his young life, the punishment for flobberworming out would be worse.

And so, with a deep breath, Draco threw open the doors to the Great Hall and marched bravely in…

Who are we kidding, he was trembling from head to toe, barely made it three feet in, and all with good reason…

I'm a Barbie guy, in the Barbie lie
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation
Come on Barbie, let's go party!

Draco Malfoy, Heir To The Largest Non-Corporation Fortune In The World, Son Of The Feared Death Eater Lucius Malfoy, Possible Future Second In Command Of The Dark Lord's Forces, stood for all of Hogwarts to see dressed in a pink, frilly, lacy mini-dress with red pumps and a gorgeous little pink ribbon in his hair.

…And currently his best friend, still in Gryffindor colors, was cackling along with the rest of the houses as he pushed Draco toward their table.

I'm a Barbie guy, in the Barbie lie
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation

At the teachers' table, Snape stood petrified as he observed the progress of his two top students across the hall.

Had he been Pope Pius XI, they would have been excommunicated in an instant!

Had he been Joseph Stalin, they would have both been freezing their shriveled, thong-clothed asses off in Siberia!

Had he been Dick Cheney…okay, that's too fearful to imagine.

I'm a blond bimbo guy, in the fantasy lie
Dress me up, make it tight, I'm your dolly
You're my doll, rock'n'roll, feel the glamour in pink,
kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky...
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"

Someone from the Hufflepuff table whistled, "Uh, oooooh, uh!"

The Ravenclaws seemed to be calculating the arithmetical probability of the Daily Prophet devoting the front page and the centerfold (mmhmmmm) to the uncensored pictures of the soon-to-be-former Heir To The Largest Non-Corporation Fortune In The World, Son Of The Feared Death Eater Lucius Malfoy, Possible Future Second In Command Of The Dark Lord's Forces.

I'm a Barbie guy, in the Barbie lie
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation
Come on Barbie, let's go party!
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
Come on Barbie, let's go party!
(uu-oooh-u)
Come on Barbie, let's go party!
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
Come on Barbie, let's go party!
(uu-oooh-u)

Draco's face burned with humiliation as he tried to sit at his usual spot (tried meaning that he could in no way do so without hiking up his leg over the bench and in so doing flashing the entire hall full of his avid observers.)

He and Blaise barely managed the Herculean feat by covering each other in turn, despite Pansy and Millicent trying their best to thwart their efforts with some rather impressive crane-bird imitations.

Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees
Come jump in, bimbo friend, let us do it again,
Hit the town, fool around, let's go party
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"
You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"

Harry nudged Ron, who nudged Hermione, who nudged Ginny, who nudged Dean, who nudged Seamus, who nudged Neville…regardless, no one at the Gryffindor table seemed capable of speech.

Finally, Hermione spoke, "Perhaps he is proclaiming his intention to run for office of the local GSA branch?"

Come on Barbie, let's go party!
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
Come on Barbie, let's go party!
(uu-oooh-u)
Come on Barbie, let's go party!
(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)
Come on Barbie, let's go party!
(uu-oooh-u)

Draco felt like he wanted to cry. Or stab to death something very cute and furry. Or perhaps abandon all pureblood pretenses and simply jam his fist down Blaise's throat.

The best friend in question was wolfing down kippers with the oblivious attitude of an exemplary Weasley, frustrating the fuming Malfoy beyond belief. Draco prepared to jam his "friend" in the ribs just to make him choke, only to find himself staring at his own glittery, magenta nails.

Dear Merde…they had gone all out. Draco could swear there was pink eyeshadow weighing down his eyelids and how could he forget the red lipstick he had swiped from Pansy's purse that morning…

I'm a Barbie guy, in the Barbie lie
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation

Draco slammed his head twice on the table, only to find himself blinded as he came up for air.

Lights, Camera, Action!!!

Draco jumped up from his seat and vaulted over the Slytherin table (Malfoy Code, Article No. 19853, Section d. Nothing may be allowed to interfere with revenge…Apparently, that included the modesty of not showing pretty red bikinis from PlayWitch to one's classmates.)

Colin Creevey ran for his life as the pink blur of lace and ribbons hurled itself after him, surprisingly agile given the four-inch heels.

Oh, I'm having so much fun!
Well, we're just getting started!

Blaise grinned and grabbed Colin's abandoned camera.

Oh I love you Blaise! ...Die, you bloody, treacherous, sadistic, drunken, whore-y, masochistic, fucking insane, infuriating excuse for a friend, Die asshole!

The next morning, the Ravenclaws smirked smugly as they were proven quite right…with the additional bonus of the last few lines of the article declaring that Lucius Malfoy had dropped pretenses and succumbed to the wonders of the muggle drug Prozac.

A/N: I warned you it was insane. Don't worry, nothing that happens is permanent.

For those who don't know, the GSA is the Gay-Straight Alliance.

Review because cross-dressing never gets old and you know it.

Shaity out.