Written by: Crack God
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters. That is except Hinata, of course. Yeah, that's right; I legally own Hinata now so eat that! (P.S. Hinata is the name of my new pet dog, so I actually don't own Hinata in Naruto)
A/N: Sorry for not updating for a while, I guess. I mean, I dislike this fic quite a bit because I hardly get any reviews. Hn. And in a weird to keep people interested at the end of the chapter I'll post a list of things that could be in my fic and I want you to tell me which ones you like. Whatever. On with the chapter! (Yeah, I'm getting tired of recaps so I'm not typing them anymore.)
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Chapter Seventeen (Chapter 17)
Chapter Title- Task One: Anaconda or Ana-condom
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Picking a room seemed like a meaningless bore to do. But soon everyone was obsessing over every little detail. Kakashi's original choice was soon abandoned after he found out that the temperature in his room was 75.00000000000000001 degrees Fahrenheit, which was exactly .00000000000000001 degrees to high for his silver hair to remain the perfect shade of silver. Sasuke left his original room after he discovered that a hair from a platypus was laying one of the beds (Later to be revealed as Gai and Lee's armpit hair clipping). And Tenten, she left her room after she found that the damn whore, Ino, was inside sun bathing (with no clothes or sun for some odd reason).
But eventually everything was settled out in the end. For the lovers group, Tamari and Kurenai shared a room- Hinata, Sakura, and Tenten roomed together- and Ino and Choji had the last room. For the freaks group, Kiba, Akamaru, and Kankuro were together- Shino was by himself- and Gai sensei, Lee, Gaara, and Sasuke all shared the last the room. And for the perverts, Asuma roomed by himself- Kakashi was alone as well- and Neji, Shikamaru and Naruto were all in the last room.
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Inside Sakura, Hinata, and Tenten's room
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"So then, since we're all in the lovers group, we all must love someone, so who do you love?" Sakura asked. "I love Sasuke. You can go next, Hinata."
"W-well, I g-guess that I l-l-love, w-well, you kn-know," Hinata stuttered. "N-naruto."
"Acceptance is the first step, Hinata. Now you got to go show your love to him, so go out there and plow him," Sakura said. "Tenten, you're next."
"Well, let's see… I like Kakashi, Kiba, Shino, Naruto, Sasuke, and Shikamaru," Tenten spoke, "but I absolutely looooooooooooooooooooove Neji! He's like a dream boat!"
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Inside Kurenai and Tamari's room
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"So then… you're from sand?" Kurenai asked, trying to start up a conversation.
"Yep," Tamari answered, ending that conversation quickly.
"So… where's your sensei then?" Kurenai asked.
"The foxes on the other island ate him," Tamari replied.
"So… do you like… clothes?" Kurenai asked.
"Maybe," Tamari answered.
"Whore," Kurenai 'coughed' quietly.
"Oh, so you're a whore too! Ohmigod! I'm a whore! This is like so totally awesome!" Tamari said, finally started up a decent conversation.
"You really are one too? I'm a whore! This is sooo awesome!" Kurenai replied.
And with that they discussed how whorish they were while stripping to 'Shake That' by Eminem and selling the sex tapes on the Internet.
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Inside Choji and Ino's room
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"Ohmigod! Purple is so your color, Choji!" Ino screeched as she was painting the pleasantly plumb child's toenails.
"Really? I so totally think so to, girlfriend!" Choji shrieked. "But let's try a lushes pink to like make sure it is like so totally like awesome!"
"Yeah! That is like so totally like sweet! You are like so fabulous, Choji!" Ino spoke, now reaching into her girly bag and pulling out a small pink container.
"Like ohmigod! I think that you're so totally fabulous too, Ino!" Choji exclaimed. And with that it was determined that Choji did not have a penis because it probably ran away to join the Broadway musical Cats.
We interrupt this gay moment because the author is getting way to scared. Please enjoy the rest of the story. Cough-my-cough-sister-cough-again.
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Shino's room
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"Yes you are the cutest wittle buggies in the whole wide world! Yes you are! Yes you are!" Shino squealed in his room, rubbing his cheeks up against several of his insects, accidentally squishing a few of them.
"Yes! Worship us, human! Worship us!" the bugs spoke back.
"I shall worship you cute little buggies forever!" Shino hollered back.
"That's good, now take off your pants." The bugs ordered.
"But someone might see me." Shino responded. And with that the bugs quickly hid the video camera they were using to record another sex tape for future purposes.
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Kiba, Akamaru, and Kankuro's room
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"God no!" Kankuro screamed. "Stop it! Stop it now!"
Kiba, ignoring Kankuro's pleads, continued to masturbate all over the carpet in the room. Akamaru appeared to be doing the same.
"But- oooooooooh– I– aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh- can't- yodvngbvhfjkg- stop!" Kiba moaned. "It feels way too- oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh- good!"
"MOOOOOO" Akamaru barked, appearing to be enjoying himself.
"Well I guess if you put it that way…" And with that spoken thought Kankuro joined them.
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Lee, Gai, Gaara, and Sasuke's room
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"FOR THE LAST TIME, GAI SENSEI! I WILL NOT STIP DANCE FOR YOU, YOU GAY UNICORN!" Sasuke roared.
"Pleeeeeeeeeease!" Lee pleaded.
"NO!" Sasuke yelled back.
"What about you, Gaara?" Gai sensei asked. "You look pretty darn smexy, if I don't say so myself."
"…" Gaara 'said'. "… What is strip dancing?"
"Let us demonstrate!" Lee and Gai shouted and they too also began to strip to 'Shake That' by Eminem while selling the sex tape on the Internet, except people weren't buying it.
Sasuke fainted at the scene and Gai and Lee stripped him finding 2 of Sakura's missing bras, a tampon, a trombone, and a disgruntled my little pony action figure in mint condition named Happy.
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Inside Asuma's room
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Asuma was smoking a cigarette while on the toilet.
The end.
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Inside Kakashi's room
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The high sensei was flipping through the pages of a playboy magazine. In his room he had discovered a secret door under a rug that lead to a secret room. This room would be his secret laboratory to carry out drug research and to create crossbreeds. The voice in his head that claimed to be 'god' had already provided Kakashi sensei with the equipment in order to do so.
But currently the high sensei wasn't down in there. He was just on his bed reading a playboy magazine. And not just any playboy magazine, it was the February 2007 edition so just try to beat that!
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Inside Shikamaru, Neji, and Naruto's room
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"I am not sleeping in the same room as you two losers!" Neji complained.
"This is way too troublesome," Shikamaru stated. "Why is our room the only room with two beds instead of three! And then neither Kakashi or Asuma won't let one of us in with them."
"Ramen!" Naruto randomly shouted. Well, it actually wasn't that random because he was cooking some ramen on the stove and it just got ready. The only problem was that he had put ten packs of ramen in a single pot, which exploded all over the room.
"NARUTO!" Neji yelled. "That's the sixth pot of ramen you made explode in the last half hour!"
"Ramen!" Naruto roared as he went around the room and slurped up all the ramen on the floor. But then he stopped once he reached a bed. "I want this bed!"
"No, that's my bed!" Neji yelled.
"No, it's mine!" Naruto retaliated.
"It's mine, dunce!"
"It is mine!"
"Mine!"
"Mine!"
"MINE!"
"MINE!"
In the end both Neji and Naruto wouldn't give in and ended up sleeping in the same bed, and Shikamaru, well he just slept in the bathroom for some unknown reason…if you're driving a Chevy and you feel something heavy, diarrhea, diarrhea… or use your imagination to figure out what else…
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(Oh, and yeah, every room has 3 beds except for Naruto, Neji, and Shikamaru's. Yes, that means Kakashi had three beds to himself, as well as Asuma and Shino. And yes, that also means that there was another bed short in Gai, Lee, Gaara, and Sasuke's room so Gai and Lee also slept in the same bed.-(with their arm pit clippings)-)
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Task One
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Naruto awoke to find Neji's foot in his face. And Neji awoke to find Naruto's foot in his face, as well as a lace bra that appeared to belong to Sakura.
So this is why Naruto got put in the perverts group, Neji thought.
"Umm, Neji, why do you have Ino's bra?" Naruto asked as he rolled out of bed.
"What! I thought that is was yours!" Neji exclaimed, not knowing how weird that would sound until he was done saying it. "No, that's not what I meant! I thought that it was Sakura's bra and that you were borrowing it!"
Knock, knock, knock!
Someone was knocking on the door, but then apparently got tired of knocking and just came in. It was Anko.
"Have any of you seen a lace bra?" Anko asked. "I think I left mine in here."
"Holy shit, it's Anko's!" Neji exclaimed. "I'm keeping it!" He hastily grabbed it and secured it in his pants but soon realized he didn't have any on.
"Well, if you want it so bad you can keep it," Anko said. "Oh, and the first task is posted just outside of your room on a message board. Well, see you later." And with that she left, not noticing that there were only two beds in the room when there were three people. But then that could've been because Shikamaru was still in the bathroom…if you're climbing a latter and you hear something splatter, diarrhea, diarrhea…
After Neji carefully hid Anko's bra he found a pair of pants. After Shikamaru was out of the bathroom the three exited their room and checked the message board. It read:
Today is the day for your first task. But part of the task is to figure out what the task is. To help you we are giving you the task with some letters missing in it. Here it is: Have one member of your group mk out with an anacond.
"Well, that's not even troublesome to figure out," Shikamaru stated. "One of us has to make out with an anaconda."
"I'm afraid it isn't as simple as that," Kakashi spoke, walking out of his room and Asuma coming out of his own. "There is one other possibility that the task might be."
"Well spit it out then!" Naruto yelled.
"Alright then," Kakashi replied. "Making out with an anaconda is a possibility, but the other one, dare I say it, is to make out with an anacondom."
"An ana-what?" Naruto spoke; obviously confused, and so were his roommates.
"An anacondom," Kakashi replied. "You know, ana-condom."
Shikamaru and Neji mentally slapped themselves. It was pretty obvious. But Naruto still didn't get it.
"But what's a condom?" Naruto asked.
"You'll have to wait and find out in a few weeks," Kakashi replied. "That's when I'm required to teach you sex ed."
Before Naruto asked another 'what is' question, Kakashi and Asuma left to go look for an anaconda. And after an hour of just standing around and doing nothing, Naruto, Shikamaru, and Neji left to do the same. As well as the freaks group and the lovers group.
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As fast as the day began it had ended. Hopefully what Shikamaru had just made out with counted as either an anaconda or an anacondom, but with theses such things you never do really know…coughInocough… And then Sasuke had definitely found both an anaconda and an anacondom, but the question there was if what he had done to it was called 'making out'.
And Ino, she had made out with everything that she could find, but whether one of the things was an anaconda or anacondom was unknown. Three of Sakura's bras went missing and Tenten couldn't find her underwear but it was all good. Choji discovered the wonders of support, which was borrowed from his fellow girlfriends (wink wink). And for some disturbing reason Kiba and Akamaru conspicuously stayed in their room all day, but once again it was all good. So it was anyone's guess who had won when everyone went to sleep, Nartuto and Neji still in the same bed and Shikamaru still in the bathroom…If you're hopping to a shop and you hear something plop, diarrhea, diarrhea…
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A/N: Wow. My sister once again made the weird stuff happen. I'll leave you to guess what she did this time, just guess. I don't have much more to say, except that Saskura-Chan and I are writing the funniest fic in the world together. It's called Naruto Uzumaki and the Sorcerer's Breasts. Just guess what is makes fun of. Coughharrycoughpottercough. If you don't want to search for it, just visit my author profile and it will be under my favorite stories. Thanks for reading and please review as well as read my fic that I'm writing with Saskua-Chan, and yes that means you too, read-n-review. Hah! Now that I made the words 'read' and 'review' stand out there's no way you won't be able to review, read-n-review. Mwahahahahahaha!
List of things I could add and I want you to tell me which ones are good
Weird things from Project Runway (Yeah, that weird fashion show with all the previews having this one guy saying 'Make it work' and 'Carry on'. And no, I don't watch it, I just saw the previews. Although I do have my sister tell me when the fifteen seconds of undressed female models starts…)
Put the judge who always sucks his cow back in it.
The fox who raped Naruto.
Sasuke stalking Sakura and I mean fucking stalking, with heat detection cameras and watching from under beds, in closets, with binoculars, hiding in her underwear drawer, and trying to rape her so basically shit like that (this idea was provided by Saskura-Chan who is writing a fic called My Sensei's a Pervert and Sasuke does stuff like that to Sakura so if you like that read it cuz it's really fucked up)
Suggestions are welcome as well.