A/N: I'm now going to have chapter recaps (again) but this time they'll be different from before. Each recap will be the last few paragraphs of the previous chapter (excluding any author notes). The recaps will also be in italics.
Recap:
As fast as the day began it had ended. Hopefully what Shikamaru had just made out with counted as either an anaconda or an anacondom, but with theses such things you never do really know…coughInocough… And then Sasuke had definitely found both an anaconda and an anacondom, but the question there was if what he had done to it was called 'making out'.
And Ino, she had made out with everything that she could find, but whether one of the things was an anaconda or anacondom was unknown. Three of Sakura's bras went missing and Tenten couldn't find her underwear but it was all good. Choji discovered the wonders of support, which was borrowed from his fellow girlfriends (wink wink). And for some disturbing reason Kiba and Akamaru conspicuously stayed in their room all day, but once again it was all good. So it was anyone's guess who had won when everyone went to sleep, Naruto and Neji still in the same bed and Shikamaru still in the bathroom…If you're hopping to a shop and you hear something plop, diarrhea, diarrhea…
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chapter Eighteen (Chapter 18)
Chapter Title: Task Two- Sex Ed; Part I
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The first elegantly glistening rays of sunlight poured through the open window in Naruto Uzamaki's room. The aroma of nearly cut grass and fresh pine wafted into the mansion. The cheerful songbirds sang harmonically a song of bursting life. Everything was perfect. Nothing at all in the universe could ruin this blissful moment… that is until Naruto heard grunts from the bathroom and realized that he was sleeping in the same bed with Neji Hyuga.
Or was he? Naruto rolled over, still half asleep, not feeling a crushed Hyuga underneath him. In fact, Neji wasn't even in the room. Had he become a mummy and been stuffed into the tiniest broom closet as in Bullwinkle's Boy's and Girls? No, he hadn't.
Instead, Neji Hyuga was outside. In the air. Experiencing the wonders of flight, moving his arms like a delicate Japanese crane. That is until he crashed into a tree and fell on his now crushed testicles. But it was all good. Or was it? Yeah, it was. In mere seconds his balls had been repaired in an odd way that kind of happened like this:
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Neji screeched at the top of his lungs.
No! Neji! Your testicles! A voice inside Neji's head said. You still need them to have hard core sex with Tenten. YOUR Tenten. Your PRECIOUS Tenten. Your EXTREMELY precious Tenten. Your extremely precious Tenten with HUGE JUGS!
But… how can they be fixed! Neji cried back.
I shall fix them for you so you can still someday have hot, hot sex with Tenten! The voice replied.
And with that Neji's testicles were fixed. The End.
Morale of the previous few paragraphs involving Neji falling and crushing his testicles for guys: Do not, under any circumstance, go flying outside. You do present a risk of crashing into an object, fall down, and breaking your testicles. Do not fly outside unless you have a sexy, brown haired lover name Tenten that has huge jugs. Instead, please fly in doors. Girls, however, can fly wherever they wish since they do not have testicles. Thank you for listening.
And with that Neji flapped his arms and flew back in through the open window, gracefully crashed, and skidded across the hard, cold floor.
"Where have you been?" Naruto lazily asked, just opening his eyes.
"I was flying," Neji replied.
"Without any pants on?" Naruto questioned. Neji then realized that he really didn't have his pants on; he was only in his Ninja Bunny printed boxers. "Hey- you wear Ninja Bunny boxers too?"
"Well no duh!" Neji replied. "Only losers would wear something else. I guess you're not really that bad after all."
"Really!"
"Don't press your luck."
"Oww! I swear it is burning my ass off!" Shikamaru yelled from the bathroom, currently sitting on the toilet.
"So then…" Neji spoke. "I've just realized something. Nartuto."
"Well, I guess I do tend to toot a lot," Naruto acknowledged. "Anyway, do you think we won the first task?"
"No," Neji absentmindedly replied.
"Okay then," Naruto responded.
Once Shikamaru's burning ass got of the damn toilet, the three went outside to check the message board. Currently it was blank. And with that the left the hallway, looking for 'food'.
On their 'food' hunt, they came across everyone else in the mansion, who all just seemed to reach the same spot at the same time.
"Okay then, shut up you maggots!" Anko yelled. "I have an announcement to make! The winner of the first task has been decided. Would the following people please step forward: Ino, Gaara, Sasuke, and Shikamaru."
The four people who called stepped forward.
"Each of the four of you have done the best at this task, but only one has made their team win. But before we tell you the winner I shall tell you what the task really was: Have one member of your group make out with an anacondom. That was the task. Oh, and for those of you who don't know what an anacondom is, it is an anaconda wearing a condom around its tail. And now for the winner, Ninja Bunny you may do the honors."
"Why thank you, Anko. Okay then, first we'll review Sasuke's performance," Ninja Bunny spoke. "Sasuke, you were fortunate enough to find an anacondom. However, what you did to it was not considered making out. As a matter of fact what we viewed on the hidden camera was rather disturbing. I'm sorry, but you did not provide you team with a win. You may step back now." Sasuke stepped back and the Ninja Bunny continued. "Ino, you made out with everything you could see. But unfortunately you did not find an anacondom. I'm sorry, but you have not won this task for your team. You may step back now." Ino stepped back as whorishly as possible. "And now all that remains are you two, Gaara and Shikamaru. Both of you successfully completed the task, but one of you finished before the other. Gaara, you successfully made out with an anacondom. Shikamaru, you made out with Ino, which in our book counts as an anocondom. But only one of you can win the task for your team. And the winner is-" Ninja Bunny stopped for an ultra cool dramatic pause- "Gaara! Shikamaru, you may now step back. That means that the Lovers team as eight points, the Freaks team has eleven points, and the Perverts Team has eight points. Tomorrow we shall meet here in the same place at the same time to announce the winner of the second task, which is now posted on your message board."
Afterwards, Sasuke was interviewed. However, he wouldn't say exactly what he was doing to the anacodom. We asked Sakura, whom was known to spy on him, but she made no comment. However, she did tell us that she thought Sasuke was still a virgin. And with that the interview ended, so Gaara was interviewed. And through this interview we discovered that every single morning he makes out with his pet anaconda and puts a condom on it because he said quote "My pet anaconda is very horny." Unquote and end of interview.
Suddenly the doors sprung open and two figures walked in. It was him. The crazy man who Sakura, nor Lee, had wished they would never meet up with again.
It was the judge. And his cow.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!" Lee screamed as youthfully as possible.
"What the fuck! Not you again!" Sakura yelled. "And please stop sucking your cow!"
"God! Can't a guy ever just suck his damn cow in peace!" the judge hollered back.
"Oh, we weren't expecting you to be here until at least two more days, Mr. Judge, and I see you've brought your cow," Ninja Bunny spoke. "Well, you can just pick an empty room and stay there till we need you."
And with that the judge walked into the nearest empty room and continued to vigorously suck his pet cow.
And with that the three groups left to go look at their message boards. Once Asuma, Kakashi, Naruto, Shikamaru, and Neji reached the message board the senseis' jaws dropped. It read:
Have the sensei(s) in the group teach the students sex ed. The team who is explained the most about this subject shall be the winner rather than the team that is explained in the least amount of time.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Meanwhile, the freaks were already being taught.
"Okay, my youthful students!" Gai exclaimed. "All you need to know about sex is that it involves a man and/or a woman, and that is all!"
"So then, what exactly is making out?" Sasuke asked.
"Making out is petting something on the head and singing to it," Gai replied.
"So I really did make out with the anacondom!" Sasuke yelled. "Those damn judges don't know a thing! Thank you Gai sensei! You're soooooooooo cooool!" And with that Sasuke found a new idol kinda like Orochimaru…except there was no eye shadow…and Gai wore underwear…most of the time…
"That's NOT making out!" Lee said matter-of-factly. "Making out is rubbing a peacock's feather against someone's skin or sleeping in the same bed as someone with a peacock in between you and the other person!"
"No way!" Gaara exclaimed. "You have to be the most intelligent person in the world, Lee!"
"Yeah!" Kankuro replied. "You're the best, Lee! You must be the smartest person in the world!"
"But I saw my mommy make out with the neighbor and it involved her putting her mouth all the way around the guy's head, bite it off, and vigorously chew on it…" Shino spoke, but was unheard.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A/N: I'm so sorry that this chapter is so short. Really, I am. I just was busy all week so I had hardly any free time. Anyway, I hope you liked the chapter. Please review and continue to read! You too, read-n-review!