Disclaimer: I have no ownership of Teen Titans
Chapter 3
He slowly closed the bathroom door behind him and locked it. He then stood there, his eyes closed and his mind swimming. He'd risked his life to save that little boy and he'd died any way. He'd put his life on the line and it hadn't made a difference. That boy; his life was gone. His parents had survived only to feel the pain of losing their only son. His sister had survived only to feel the pain of losing her only brother, her only sibling. Why? Why did this have to happen? What was the point of it all? He slowly fell down to the floor and began to cry.
After his interesting exit, the four remaining teammates in the common room weren't quite sure what to do. It was clear he was upset, they usually were when someone they'd saved ended up dying anyway, but this seemed different. He'd already been acting a little odd when he'd entered, so they knew something was wrong.
"Should not one of us go to make sure he is alright?" asked Starfire.
"I think he's okay," said Cyborg. "He hasn't had anyone he's rescued die in a while, so he's probably just taking it a little hard."
"Still, I think something's wrong," said Robin. "He hasn't seemed like himself since we got back."
Raven sighed and said, "Well, I guess I'll go see what's going on."
"Are you sure?" asked Starfire.
"I'm the one who feels emotions," said Raven. "If anyone would know if something's wrong with Beast Boy, it'd be me." And with that she made her way out of the common room, having only finished half of her slice of pizza.
She walked down the hallway towards his room, guessing that was where he'd run off to. And then as she passed the bathroom it came; a wave of emotions so strong and so intense she felt dizzy for a moment and nearly lost her footing. It radiated sadness, grief, self loathing, and many others that Raven couldn't even describe. She felt these emotions overwhelm her, seeping into her soul and sending shivers throughout her body, and her heart raced. She'd found him.
She placed her ear to the bathroom door and listened. She could hear him weeping inside and she found this very odd. She knocked on the door and said, "Beast Boy?" She heard him quiet his weeping and clear his throat.
"W-What?" he sputtered.
"Are you okay?" she asked, knowing full well the answer.
"Y-Yeah," he said, sniffing. "Just, uh… you know…" And then she heard him break down again.
She sighed and attempted to open the door, but only found that it was locked. So, she did the next best thing, she created a portal in the door and stepped on through. On the other side she found him sitting up against the tub, his face buried in his knees. She found this to be an interesting sight, but the emotions were right.
"Beast Boy?" she said softly.
"I can't do this anymore," he said into his knees. "I just… I can't."
"You can't do what?" she asked, slowly walking over to him.
"I can't keep fighting every day only to keep losing," he wept. "I'm sick of it. I try to do my best and my best just isn't good enough." He began to cry again and shrivel up into himself even more.
Raven sighed and took a seat on the edge of the bathtub. "You can't save everyone," she said.
"But he was, what, six? Seven?" he said. "He didn't even get to live his life. And it's because I couldn't act quick enough-"
"That had nothing to do with it," said Raven, cutting him off. "The boy was asthmatic and exposed to smoke. Even if you'd gotten him out of there ten minutes sooner it wouldn't have matter, the damage had been done."
"But why did he have to die?" he cried again. "Why him?!"
"You know I can't answer that," she said. "And I think the last thing you should be contemplating right now is the whys of the universe."
Beast Boy shook his head into his knees and coughed on his tears. He was starting to feel sick he'd been sobbing so much and so passionately. He grabbed his head and dug his nails into his hair.
"I don't wanna be here anymore," he finally confessed. He lifted his head and looked at Raven bloodshot eyes. "I don't."
Raven looked deep into his red, tear filled eyes and saw a desperateness she hadn't seen in quite some time. She was quite certain all of his words were genuine and that meant she had a lot more in front of her then she'd initially thought.
And so, she stood up from the tub and went to the sink. She wet a washcloth with cool water, rung most of it out, and then handed it to him. "Here, wash your face," she said calmly. He took it from her and buried his face in it, taking in a few deep breaths as he did. When he was done she handed him a dry towel and he dried off.
"Thanks," he said in a shaky voice.
"Now breathe," she said. "I'm not going to talk to you while you're in this condition."
He nodded and did his best to calm down. He felt quite tired now, but at the same time unresolved. But, having at least finally spoken his mind, he felt a little bit of weight lift off of him.
"Okay, now what's all this about not wanting to be here?" she asked, crossing her arms.
He took in a deep breath and then let it out. "I don't feel it anymore," he said. "I don't feel anything that makes me wanna fight crime and save lives. I feel like my life has no purpose anymore. And every time I hear that stupid alarm go off I just realize all the more that I hate it. I hate risking my life. I just… I hate all of this now."
Raven took all of this in and said, "You do realize you don't have to be here, right?"
"What?" he said.
"You don't have to be here, Beast Boy," she said. "You don't have to be a Titan. And if being one's giving you this much pain and frustration then I'd advise you not to be. This is your life, it's the only one you have. And if this isn't making you happy and is feeling like torture then you need to get out of here."
"But, I mean, I can't leave the Titans," he said.
"We didn't sign contracts," said Raven. "You're not bound to the team by any technical terms. And you don't have to leave permanently. I think you should go on a break for a while. At least, that's what it sounds like you need. It's quite clear that you're going through a nervous breakdown of some sort and you can't ignore it any longer. "
"But… But what do I do?" he asked. "Where do I go if I can't be here?"
"That's for you to decide," said Raven. "You need to go someplace to find yourself and realize what you want in life. Is there anywhere that you feel safe and comfortable?"
"Well… yeah," he said. "Africa." Even as he said it he felt himself want to smile. He loved Africa, it really was his home. He hadn't been there in so long he did feel homesick from time to time. "It's the one place in the world I want to be, especially right now."
"Then maybe that's where you need to go," said Raven.
"Yeah, but, what'll the other's say?" he said. "What if Robin doesn't let me back on the team if I want to rejoin?"
"Don't worry about them," said Raven. "If you want to go to Africa and you feel it'll help you feel better then I'll help you."
"You will?" he asked.
"Yes, I will," she said. "I'll make the arrangements and talk to the others. Just promise me you're going to be honest and real with me from now on."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I know you've been secretly depressed and lethargic behind closed doors," said Raven. "You may be able to hide it on the outside, but I know how you feel twenty-four seven."
"Oh," he said, feeling rather stupid for not realizing this. "Well, if you knew, why didn't you try to help me?"
"Because I wasn't sure what you wanted," said Raven. "It looked like you just wanted things to continue as normal and you'd handle it yourself. Obviously it didn't turn out that way. Now, come on, let's get out of here." She helped him up off the floor and walked him out of the bathroom. "Now I want you to go lay down while I talk to the others."
"Okay," said Beast Boy as he sniffed and wiped his still running nose. He walked to his room and made his way inside. Once in he crawled up to his top bunk and curled up under his covers. He felt quite tired after his breakdown, but relieved as well. He'd finally told someone how he felt and now things were going to be done about it. He could be going back home! That thought alone helped him to fall into a very peaceful slumber.
Raven made it back to the common room and found her three friends waiting to hear the news. She spotted her half eaten, and now cold, piece of pizza and sat down to at least finish it off while she told them of Beast Boy's predicament.
"So, how is he?" asked Robin.
"Well, we've got a bit of a situation on our hands," said Raven, taking a bite of her pizza.
"Why? What's going on?" asked Cyborg.
"He doesn't want to be a Titan anymore," said Raven.
"What?" all three said, quite surprised.
"He wants to quit?" asked Robin.
"Oh, I do not want Beast Boy to leave!" Starfire cried out.
"He doesn't want to quit," said Raven. "Actually, it's my suggestion he takes a break from the team for a while. He's been very depressed lately and he doesn't feel motivated to fight and save lives anymore."
"He's depressed?" said Cyborg. "He hasn't looked depressed to me."
"He was hiding it the best he could," said Raven. "Of course I was aware of it the whole time, but I assumed he'd snap out of it, as he usually does when he feels down. But this time is different. I think the boy's death was the final straw."
"But if Beast Boy is not a Titan anymore what will he do?" asked Starfire. "Where will he go?"
"Well, I spoke to him, and we've agreed that he'd like to go back to Africa," said Raven.
"Africa?" said Robin.
"Yes," said Raven. "And don't worry I'll make all the arrangements for him. I doubt he could, even if he wasn't in the middle of a nervous breakdown."
"That is very kind of you," said Starfire.
"I have a tendency to be kind every once in a while," Raven responded in an even tone. "Besides, I think he trusts my judgment the most out of all of us."
"I think I can agree with that," said Robin.
"What about me?!" said Cyborg. "I'm his best friend!"
"And you also have a horrible habit of pulling pranks on him," said Raven. "That means he isn't able to trust you completely. Besides, what advice would you give him at a time like this?"
"Well… I don't know," said Cyborg.
"That's why we're going with my plan," said Raven. "I just need your permission, Robin."
Robin thought for a moment and sighed. "Well, I can't say I like this idea, but if it's the best thing for Beast Boy, then alright. It's going to be hard working without him, though. How long do you think he's going to be gone?"
"I don't know," said Raven. "He may be alright in a couple of weeks, he may need to stay a few months, he may even want to stay there forever."
"Forever?!" Starfire cried out.
"I just want us to be prepared if it comes to that," said Raven.
"Then we may need to replace him until he gets back," said Robin.
"That probably wouldn't be wise," said Raven. "Beast Boy feels inadequate very easily and if he comes back in a short amount of time and sees that we've replaced him then his self-esteem is going to go back to where it is now."
"Fine, we'll worry about it if the time comes," said Robin.
"So, it's okay for him to leave?" asked Raven, making sure.
"Yes," said Robin. "As of today Beast Boy is on, hopefully, temporary leave of the Teen Titans."