The beginning of this story takes place about two years before chapter 1.

17 April

-I sat behind Duo in class today. I didn't hear a word the teachers said because I was too busy looking at -him- the whole time. He had his hair in a pony tail today. He must have slept in his braid again because his hair was full of waves. It kind of looked like a big waterfall. I wonder if his hair is as soft as it looks.

23 April

-Duo dropped a paper in the hallway. I tried not to be too obvious when I picked it up. It was a doodle paper of everything from animals to manga characters. He's pretty good. I hope he drops more papers... God, I feel like a stalker.

24 April

-Duo is gay! Mailan talked to Hilde and she told her that he had told her that he was and she thought that she should tell him that I was since she had told her and she had told me and then they thought that I should talk to him and tell him that I was so that- fuck, my hands are shaking. I don't know what to do. Should I do anything? He's single too. Maybe I could try. I should try. I don't know, damn. Should I say something? I should say something. I shouldn't say anything. What could I say? Hey I heard you were gay and since I've had a crush on you pretty much since kindergarten do you want to go out with me?... I need to lie down. Okay. I'm calm. I'm breathing. Fuck. I'm not going to say anything.

30 April

-Meilan has been bugging me all week to talk to him but it's not that easy. I don't know what to say or how to act, it's going to be fourth grade all over again when he asked me where the scissors where and my brain had a total melt down and I just stared at him like a retarded idiot. Fuck, I suck so much. I'm never going to be able to talk to him.

21 May

-I'm dating Duo... holy shit. I think I have to write it down again. I'm dating Duo. No I still can't believe it... I just said it out loud for the first time just now and I still can't belive it. I. AM. DATING. DUO. MAXWELL. I bet you are wondering how the hell that happened.

Meilan talked me in to going to the party she and Hilde had at her house. I didn't want to go but my dear sister more or less made me. She and Hilde spent like two hours getting me ready. Clothes, hair and pep talk, the whole thing. It was awkward at first since I didn't know anyone there except Meilan... and Hilde I guess. It took me almost the whole night to collect enough courage to talk to him. It went better then expected, god he's so nice and sweet and that smile that just makes my knees go a little weak. It was almost time to leave before I managed to just blurt out the question if he wanted to date me. And he said YES! It felt like my heart was going to stop. He said yes :)

(Let's flip a few pages. 1 year and 309 days later)

5 April

-I almost told Duo that I love him today. We were lying on the sofa watching a movie. Duo was groaning over the main character who according to him were being a complete idiot. I was so close to telling him that if I thought that he was trapped on a burning ship full of terrorists I would have jumped on it too. Because when you are this in love with someone, you do stupid things like that. But I bit my tongue and stayed quiet. He doesn't want to hear things like that. I know that he doesn't love me, not like I love him. I keep hoping that he will, but until then I don't want him to leave me.

13 April

If I ever see tofu again it will be too soon. The restaurant did the catering to a wedding just out of town. Who the hell wants to eat Chinese food at their wedding reception? I'm just wondering. I spent like three hours chopping up tofu and vegetables. I was so unbelievably tired afterward and that was before we started serving the food! We just got back and all I want to do is sleep, but I can't yet. I'm going over to Duo's place because we have a big math test next week that we have to get Duo in shape for. Damn I'm tired. Seeing Duo will probably make me feel better. It always does.

14 April

One of my fishes died today. It was the big male with the white spots on it's back. He had been looking a bit down the last few days. It might have been from old age since he was one of the first fishes I bought when I got the aquarium. I'm actually thinking about getting a bigger one and buy other kinds of fishes. Duo wants me to get sharks but I don't think they would get along all that well with my goldfishes. Or they will get along a bit too well with my goldfishes and eat them.

16 April

Meilan broke a finger today at the Ju-jutsu training. I think she was more embarrassed then anything else. She was going to throw this guy over her shoulder and somehow managed to twist her finger when he went down. She was just pissed that she was going to have her hand all wrapped up for some party that she was going to this weekend. Maybe I should make her some cookies? It's always best to be on good terms with the fire breathing dragon :)

18 April

Duo got top marks on the math test. I knew he could do it. He might act like a impulsive idiot but he's not. I'm so proud of him. I'll have to think out a good reword (so that he will fell motivated for the next time) but knowing Duo he would probably be just as happy if he just got laid. Yeah, that plan doesn't sound all that bad. I could--- Duo's tapping on the window, got to go.

19 April

-I--- he----th--- Shit.

20 April

He broke up with me...

23 April

It's been three days and I still can't believe it... Duo left me.

25 April

I wonder if it's normal to feel this worthless when you get dumped? I wonder what is wrong with me. There has to be something wrong with me. Why else would he leave me?

I didn't always understand his sense of humor. I didn't understand what was fun about pulling pranks or prank calling somgeone. Give me sarcasm and irony any day.

He didn't always understand when I was being sarcastic. But that was just funny. He would make fun of me for being so dry and I would roll my eyes and help him with his pranks. It was just the way we were...

Maybe I was too boring. I'm not that adventurous, but I did follow him when ever he wanted to do something. Maybe I could have been more fun to be around.

Maybe I nagged him too much about his studies? He always complained about it... then he would try to distract me. It was fun, it was like a game. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he really did hate it and maybe I shouldn't have made him do it. But Duo needs to be nagged or he will never start on time. But maybe he didn't want his boyfriend to be the one to do it? Yeah, maybe.

3 May

Duo called me today. The familiar tune cut like a blade in my heart. I couldn't answer it. instead I turned it off. I wonder what he wanted. He probably wanted to tell me about how his cat had done something cool. I miss Duo's stupid random calls.

5 May

Duo called again today. Fuck, I was a emotional mess in seconds. Meilan cut the call of for me since I pretty much had gotten stuck staring at the phone. I didn't want to answer it, but at the same time I did.

7 May

I saw Duo kissing Heero Yuy in the gym today. It was not -that- long ago since he broke up with me! Yeah right, 'it's not you, it's me." Fuck no. It's not me and it's not you, it's fucking YUY. I hope you love him, really fucking love him, like I love you and then I hope he dumps you! Then you get to feel this. Yeah, get a taste of your own medicine Mr It's-me-not-you. Fuck you Duo Maxwell I hope you're really happy now so when he dumps you you'll feel this cold, this empty, this alone, this thrown away and forgotten like I do. I hope you feel it all you shallow fucking bitch, I hope you feel it all, I hate y-

10 May

I failed my first test in years today. I couldn't concentrate. I've been so sad since... you know.

11 May

I'm trying to get over him, I am. It's just hard when I see him every day in class. But even if I don't see him I'm still reminded of him or something we did together. It sounds stupid but I can't go near the mailbox down the street because that's where I figured out what to get Duo for our first valentines day.

13 May

I miss him. My bed it too big without him. Sometimes I think he slept more in my bed then he did in his own. He always said that he was going to sleep in his own bed only to come tapping on my window a few hours later. I never thought about it, but dad was really good abut it when Duo showed up at the breakfast table almost every morning. He just told him to use the door the next time instead of crawling trough the window. Dad is pretty cool. I need to remember that the next time I feel like strangling him.

14 May

Saw Duo today. He was talking to Yuy with a hand on his arm. He was laughing. I want to die.

15 May

I can't help wondering if there was anything I could have done to make him stay. I don't know. I can't even remember if he had given me any signs that he was unhappy and wanted to leave me. It felt like it came out of the blue. One day we're lying around talking about our boring teachers, I'm teasing him and he's calling me all those ridiculous nicknames and then... The next day he's looking at me with those big beautiful eyes, telling me that he wants to break up with me. That our relationship was just not working for him and he wanted to move on. He even had the guts to give me the "we can still be friends" line.

No Duo. We can not be friends.

Not when looking at you makes everything hurt (you selfish fucking bastard), not when I still love you. How sick is that? Break my heart, no, rip my heart out and run it over a couple of times with your beloved car and then act like it was no big deal. Let me walk in on you kissing another guy. Haunt me. Hurt me. Treat me like dirt and I still love you. I'm so pathetic.

16 May

Duo tried to talk to me today. I just turned and walked away because if I had stayed, I would have cried. I'm not going to let him see me cry. I'm not. I don't care if it's some kind of macho thing. I'm not going to show him how much he hurt me. I refuse.

20 May

If we were still together now, we would have been celebrating out two year anniversary today. But we are not. I'm thinking about flushing the ring I bought him. It's engraved so I can't really sell it (too bad because I payed a fortune for it). I should just throw it away because having it around... hurts. I don't know why I can't just throw it away. No, that's a lie. I know why. It's because I'm a pathetic idiot who is hoping that he will come back to me, get down on his knees and tell me how wrong he was to leave me, how much he had missed me and how he had realized that he loved me, that he had always loved me. .. I'm so fucking pathetic, I should just throw it away.

21 May

I saw Duo today. God, I can't even get away from him on the weekends. He walked past the restaurant with Yuy. It's almost poetic, watching the love of your life (I know I'm only seventeen and that I got my whole life ahead of me to find someone else and bla bla bla, I don't care, that's what he is) walk away from you with someone else trough a dirty window. Yeah, so poetic that I slipped in to the storeroom to hid behind the rise bags and cry my eyes out. How's that for poetry?

22 May

I hate Heero Yuy more than anyone in the world.

23 May

I hate Duo I love Duo I hate Duo I lov-

24 May

I wonder if he misses me at all? Because sometimes it feels like I don't take a breath without thinking of him. I miss him

25 May

Meilan is worried about me. She shouldn't be. I'm... not fine, but I'm not -that- bad... am I? No. It's not like I'm going to do anything stupid and start cutting myself or kill myself, that's just cowardly and stupid... I just want it to stop. I want to be able to walk into my own room and not have everything remind me of him. The stuffed dragon he got me for my birthday, the screen saver on my computer with the dancing cats, the gash on my desk from the time he was playing around with my sword (thank god that thing isn't sharpened or he might just have killed both of us) or what feels like hundreds of his hair bands that I keep finding all over the place. I just want the pain to stop.

26 May

I hate love. Love must be the reason for all evil and all the pain in the world. Nazareth sung the truth, love hurts. Love hurts so fucking much.

27 May

I almost put Flamy the stuffed dragon in the food processor just now. It smelled like Duo and I was sick of crying and hugging it like my life depended on it. I'm such a girl. I should at least put it in the closet so that I don't have to look at it.

28 May

Maybe I wasn't romantic enough? But Duo doesn't like typical romantic things. He thought it was silly. Maybe I was wrong and he did like it. Could I have misunderstood him so badly?

Maybe I didn't give him enough attention. Work takes up a lot of time. Especially since Zun moved out of town and dad haven't hired anyone new yet so it's a lot more work to do. The Ju-jutsu takes up about two or three nights a week. We did all the school work together but you can't really be "together" when you are trying to learn about Holocaust. I tried to be there for him when ever he needed me and he did sleep in my bed most nights of the week. Maybe I should have called more often. Duo was always the one to call me. I wish I knew what I did wrong.

29 May

Maybe it was the way I looked that made him leave me? I'm not as tall as Yuy... far from it. I don't have wide shoulders like he does. I'm not as fit as he is. My ass could be better. My arms aren't all that defined. Maybe if I had gone to the gym and tried to fix it. Maybe I should lose some weight. There is some extra fat around my waist, it's not a lot but if you're looking for it it's pretty obvious. Duo couldn't have missed it. I could skip a meal every now and then. I should take the time to work out a bit more.

Maybe it's the hair. It's pretty long... maybe I should cut it? Yuy's hair is short and styled.
Or maybe it's the clothes... I don't really have a fashion sense, all the modern clothes I have are those Duo got for me. Maybe I should start wearing more form fitting clothes? I don't really like form fitting clothes but... I don't know. I wish he had told me what I did wrong. If he had just warned me I could have changed. I could, if I just knew what I had to change.

30 May

I heard Yuy talking shit about Duo today. I could hardly believe it. Weren't they supposed to be together? So what the hell is Yuy doing spitting homophobic remarks? Fucker.

31 May

I saw him looking my way today. He looked a bit sad. I wonder why. Maybe I should have asked? No. You do not worry about why the boyfriend who dumped you looks sad. No.

3 June

I bought a shark today. It's pretty small and it was getting a bit bullied by my gold fishes at first. They have all calmed down a bit now and are getting along just fine. Duo would have loved to see it.

5 June

Duo sat behind me in class today. It almost felt like I could feel his hot breath against my neck. I tried to concentrate but it was like all my awareness was on my ex-boyfriend (god it hurt to call him that). I kept remembering how things were before. Then I would have been the one sitting behind him, ready to poke him if his attention started to wander for too long (I swear, sometimes I think he has ADHD). In turn Duo would give me these looks over his shoulder. Those long heated looks that more then once gave me a hard on in the middle of the classroom. Damn, he knew it too and that's why he did it. He is such a tease. And then the notes he used to pass me that said everything from "Want to go to the mall?" to "Bathroom. Second floor. After class" the last one combined with one of those looks and you just knew that you were going to get laid. Thinking about that totally shot my concentration to hell and I managed to drop my pencil on the floor. Of course the damned thing had to roll behind me. I dreaded to turn around and find it, but it was the only pencil I had with me so I forced myself to look for it. I turned and looked right at my pen that had Duo's long slender fingers wrapped around it from where he was holding it out to me. I'm so pathetic because just the slight touch of his skin when I took the pen was enough to turn me in to a spineless blushing idiot who wanted nothing more than to throw myself at him and beg him to take me back. If I thought it would work, I just might have. But he doesn't want me. He's just being nice, because that's the way he is. But I figured that if he was nice to me, I could be nice to him. So I thanked him and turned back around as his "you're welcome" caressed my ears.

6 June

I literally ran in to Duo today. Or more like he ran in to me. It's so typical of him to run and not look where he's going. I was half a second away from teasing him for it when I remembered that it was not my place to do so. Instead I practically ran away from him. I could feel the warmth of his touch on my arm the rest of the day. I'm so pathetic.

8 June

I almost think Duo is following me. There has been one too many coincidences... no it's probably just wishful thinking.

9 June

Today was a shitty day. I was working the long shift and got to serve a bunch of football players. And yes Heero Yuy was one of them. Fucking shitty fucking luck. I don't know what Duo sees in him. The guy is a ice block with a lot of muscles. I was tempted to spit in his food or put something gross in it, but I didn't. First of all, dad would freak if he found out and secondly, it's not my style. The petty revenge is more Duo's thing. He would have been able to come up with a bunch of disgusting things that you could do... only that he actually like the ice block.

Shitty fucking day.

10 June

It's in the middle of the night. I can't sleep. I'm waiting for Duo to tap on my window, only that I know that he wont. But that doesn't stop me from waiting.

11 June

I miss Duo.

12 June

Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if I had told him that I loved him. I knew that he didn't want to hear it. The look on his face every time I tried to tell him told me that loud and clear. But just because I didn't say the words doesn't mean I didn't try to show it.

17 June

This day has been insane.

I heard Yuy talking shit about Duo again. He was calling him- I don't even want to repeat it- and I just snapped. I'm sorry Sensei, I know that you should never use Ju-jutsu to attack someone but I just could not stop myself. We may not be together anymore but Duo has been my best friend and lover for so long that no one was going to call him those things in front of me. Especially that fucking idiot Yuy. So I kind of jumped him in the middle of the corridor. I managed to break his nose and give him one hell of a black eye before he managed to hit back. I'm suspended, but damn, was it worth it to see that boyfriend-stealing-cowardly-asshole bleed. Then came the ultimate reward.

I had barely gotten out of the principal's office before Duo came up to me. He asked me why I had done it. I answered that I thought that was obvious but then he started saying the most bizarre things imaginable. God, for someone who's so smart, he can be such a complete idiot sometimes. He actually though that I was only dating him because he was convenient. So I told him. I told him everything that I had been holding in and everything he had made me feel.

I can't describe the look on his face when I ranted at him. Stunned, awkward, embarrassed, ashamed. The emotions flashed across his face.

When I was done I was just exhausted and worn out. I wanted to go and hide somewhere and collect myself when Duo suddenly told me that he wanted me back. I was ready to take him back the second he said it, but I was just too shocked to say anything. Instead I got to hear... pretty much everything I had ever wanted to hear him say. That he missed me, that he was wrong to leave me and that he LOVED ME! He loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me!

This is the best day of my life. I got to beat Yuy's face in and I got Duo back (and he LOVES me). Things can not get better then this.

28 June

Duo is sleeping next to me right now. He even went trough the door this time. He's drooling on the pillow and his hair is a mess... I don't think he has ever been this beautiful. I can't believe how well behaved he was during the independent film festival. He didn't say a negative word through the first two movies. In the end I was the one to break and started to make sarcastic remarks about how much pot the director must have been smoking and how drunk the cameraman must have been to be able to shot like that. Duo was quick to join me. We were giggling like school girls in the back of the theater for the last few hours. It was fun.

I've gotten so many kisses since we got back together that my lips are still tingling right now even tho Duo has been asleep for a hour. Not to mention that he's been more or less glued to my hand. Not that I mind, it's nice. I didn't know that he liked to hold hands this much. I guess we still have a lot to learn about each other.

The end