AN: Okay, I realise this is extremely overdue, would you believe me if I told you that a group of Noel Fielding worshipping pixie that wore beans tins on their heads stole my brain and put it up for auction in Vancouver after chopping up my right finger into 18 perfect cubes and forbidding me to ever use the magic box in my room i.e. my computer? No, didn't think so. Oh well, enjoy!

Chapter Five: Destroy Christmas

Bella chewed happily on the piece of now raged and slightly battered white silk. She chuckled happily to herself imagining the look on Rosalie face as she had bolted from the room just minutes before. She took hold of her cloth tail and wagged it happily. It wasn't for quite a while until she realised that Jasper had entered the room. She barked and ran happily over to him. He smiled down at her evilly.

I must point out on Bella's behalf that the only difference between Jasper the happy clappy elf and Emo elf was that Emo elf did not skip. I say this only so you do not think I am portraying Bella in a ditsy light because there was no possible way his drastic transformation could have occurred at this point in time.

Bella peered up at him balefully and jumped up on his suddenly jumped up on his placing her front paws on his chest, her tongue hanging out of her mouth. Emo elf inwardly cowered away from her explicit happiness and joy but kept his idea of a smile (a insane sneer which Bella thought was only slightly demented) fixed in place.

At this point Jasper was also debating whether his new mission, i.e. destroying Christmas, should include this wayward puppy. He racked his brain struggling to find a connection so he could steel her away. Finally he shrugged and said.

"A dog is for life not just for Christmas." And his sneer widened. Bella cocked her head to one side and narrowed her eyes and noticed a moment too late the stationary position of the belled toes beneath her. She whimpered as Jasper slung her happily over his elfin shoulder and marched with her upstairs to his "Den".

Jasper den was in fact Edward's room. You're probably thinking "Wait a second, it's covered in happy clappy Christmas lights, Emo elf would surely flee to some abyss somewhere to build his head quarters." Well think again. Edward's room was now the anti-christmas, the floor was scattered with broken bulbs, the candy canes stuck out of the walls with mangled Satsuma's hanging form their ends and the Christmas tree was now no more than a chainsaw hacked stump. Bella looked around her, frightened. If he had done this to all the other Christmas stuff what the hell was he going to do to her? Emo elf noticed her wary expression.

"Do not worry little Santa worshipper you are not the target." He smiled for real this time but it still looked just as scary. "You are the bait." Bella gulped as she was set down on a mangled sleigh. "Now stay" he commanded and left to gather more prey. Bella rested her head on the end of the sleigh and sighed, there was still half an hour still she could use her vocal chords, sometimes hanging out with vampires was very hard, the could have just played pictionary.

The next person Jasper happened upon was unfortunately Rosalie who was lying on her bed still reading her bride's magazine, utterly content.

"Oh hi Jasper." She said lazily as he entered her room.

"That is not my name." Jasper sneered.

"Fine then," she rolled her eyes. "Jasper the happy clappy elf."

Jasper's fists clenched and his forehead furrowed, Rosalie glanced at him.

"Something wrong?" Jasper pounced on her.

Rosalie struggled hopelessly against her wiry bonds. Bella cowered against the side of the sleigh as Rosalie cursed and raged. Jasper smiled his insane grin that now stretched from ear to ear, contorting his perfectly beautiful features. He swung his scorched hat back onto his head and left the room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Rosalie screamed. "I'm getting married!!!" she stamped her foot and her white stiletto went through the wooden floor of the wrecked sleigh. Bella tried hard not to laugh, she crawled forward and once again started chewing on the now incredibly frayed remains of Rosalie's hem.

Jasper needed more hostages, but who was left? A chef and a mushroom. He swung down the banister of the grand staircase, landed in the living room with ease and headed towards the kitchen from which he guessed the screams were coming from.

"Mushrooms can't scream, Alice." Emmett stood over the desperate piece of fungi who was now helplessly strapped to the counter. Jasper entered and Alice looked up pleadingly. Alice knew her husband very well, she had fallen down rapids with him, milked a cow with him, ran frantically away from a blood thirsty cheetah which had been hanging from a shoelace for three days with him. This is the reason she noticed right away what all the Cullens failed to. The glint in his butterscotch irises, the sneer, the lack of tinkling from his bell adorned toes and the raged ends of his green clothes. But unfortunately unlike the rest of the Cullens Alice was not in possession with the specific power that enabled her to tell anyone about all of these things, i.e. she was a mushroom.

She looked up at Emmett frantically and nodded at Jasper. Emmett looked round for a split second.

"Oh hey elf. What's up? Edward want me to make Christmas dinner or summink?" he said turning back and poising the sharp knife over the foamy mass beneath him. Jasper didn't answer he merely rushed forward in a blur of green and gold and grabbed Emmett by his hair. Emmett yelled and his arms flailed, trying to clobber jasper with his fists, Jasper ignored him and dragged him upstairs, still by his hair, and plonked him in the sleigh, which was becoming quite full by now. Alice joined them a minute later, making it incredibly crowded. The foam stuck into Bella's snout and she whimpered. Alice shot her a look that seemed to say. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself, who else is a mushroom here?" Bella curled up and let out a low breath.

"Where's he gone?" said Emmett to a Rosalie who now had virtually no hem left

"Oh, who knows?" she put her head in her hands

Jasper had in fact gone to claim the biggest prize of his little treasure hunt. The king of Christmas himself.