I am back! Well I'm not. Fronque is.
It was morning in the TARDIS. Well, no it wasn't, because the TARDIS is dimensionally Transcendental, so can't have a fixed timescale. The Doctor began to get dressed, discovered he'd eaten too many custard creams, and totally failed to get into his question mark pullover. He gleefully threw the questionable garment into the incinerator. He positively skipped to the TARDIS console room, where Ace was doing handstands. She flipped to her feet, thus creating a breeze with her bomber jacket. The wind whipped through the Doctor's shirt, and he suddenly realised how cold he was. He needed A New Jumper. "Ace?" He inquired, dragging her to him by the ankle with his Umberella.
"Yeah? What, Professor?"
"Do ye fancy a trip to Scotland?"
"Wicked!"
James Robert MacCrimmon sat in his Scottish hovel, which, by an amazing coincidence, was in Scotland, and pondered the meaning of life. He concluded that it must be something Scottish, and went to find a haggis. Suddenly, he turned, staing in awe as the TARDIS materialised in front of his kilted self. Ace stepped mechanically out of the policing protuberance. Jamie stared at her. "Oi, are you Jamie?" she asked, as Jamie, still wide- eyed, stared. "And look at my face!" Jamie dragged his eyes upwards. The woman called back into the TARDIS. "Okay, Professor, it's definitely him."
The Doctor emerged, and promptly turned blue with cold.
"Alrighty, Jamster." Ace smirked mournfully. "This is the Doctor. And please, if you're looking anywhere, look at my FACE!"
"DOCTOR?!? Is it really you?" Jamie yelled excitedly. "Y-yes i-i-indeed it i-is." Shivered the Doctor.
"An' you're a Scotlander!" the jilted kilter said. "Wel, then. Ye shouldnae be turnin' blue! We're Highlanders! We dinnae feel the cold!" The Doctor stopped turning blue, and turned tartan instead. "I want a jumper this colour," he informed Jamie. "D'you know wherrrrre I can get one?"
"Certainly, Doctor!" yelled Jamie. "Come away in! My hoose is sae toasty warm-" he winked at Ace. "-Ye'll be takin' layers off instead o' making moore"
As Jamie walked into his cottage, Ace turned to the Doctor. "Is he-"
The Doctor nodded sagely. "Yes."
The Doctor stepped into the mercifully warm wool mill. A man wearing a woollen tartan kilt, a woollen tartan plaid, a woollen tartan shirt, a woollen tartan jacket, a woollen tartan pair of socks and a woollen tartan balaclava. "Hello!!" the Doctor yelled. "Have you met the man who runs this tartan woollen mill?" "I am he." came the reply. "What do you want"
"A sleeveless jumper made of tarrrrrtan wool." The Doctor requested. "Ooh, I don't think we can do that." The miller told him. "We're fresh out of tartan wool."
Five minutes later, the miller found himself tied to a wall, while the doctor made wool out of random molecules.
Back at the shack, near the wall with a crack, Jamie was trying to get a relationship with Ace on the track. Ace gave him a smack. "Look, you scottish nutcase!" she yelled. "Stop flirting with me, give me my jacket back, and for Gordon Bennett's sake LOOK AT MY FACE!!!" Jamie moved his line of vision up Ace's body. "MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!" Suddenly, with a flash of light, a Cyberman appeared. "DELETE!!" spat the Cyberman.
"Die!" Yelled Ace, leaping up and swinging her baseball bat and kicking out with her boots with the knifes in the heel. Jamie admired her armaments for a few seconds, then decided to act... The Cyberman was aware of another feeble human presence in the building. He raised his optical sensors to see a kilted creature speaking in a strange accent, holding what appeared to be the interior bodily support of a human head. "Alas," said the creature, "Puir Yorrrrick." Apalled at the terrible acting, the Cyberman started towards Jamie, giving Ace the opportunity to leap onto the Cyberman's Cyberback and sink her gold tooth into the Cyberneck. The Cyberman screamed and threw Ace violently against the wall. He staggered forward and started smashing Jamie over the head with the skull. Then the Cyberman exploded.
As the Doctor entered the shack, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his new tartan jumper, he took in the scene of destruction and went into defensive mode, rushing over to the feebly stirring Ace. "What are ye stirring, Ace?" He inquired. "A potion, so's I can bring Jamie round, professor." She told him. "Quickly, we must save that handsome man!" The Doctor stared at her oddly. "Did you get hit on the head, by perchance?" "Yeah, but so what?" "Never mind..."
Jamie came to. He saw Ace standing over him, and was immeadiately flooded with excitement. He flushed. "That's what I was about to do," said the Doctor, emerging from the little Time Lord's room. "I'm trying to rouse Jamie." reported Ace. The Doctor looked.
"Seems you're succeeding." Said the Doctor.
"ROUSE him! I said ROUSE HIM!"
Jamie sat up, which was a very fortunate move. "The Cyber plot has failed." The Doctor was saying. "It seems these Cybermen were from Telos' equivalent of the Royal Shakespeare Company, looking for experienced thespians to appear in their next production. However, they were so revolted by Jamie's Hamlet-"
"I've never heard it called that before." Jamie interjected.
"-That they have decided not to invade Earth and abduct all actors." "Good." Said Ace. "I never want to see another tall, thin silver giant for as long as I"
"WAIT!" Yelled the Doctor. "Tall and Thin? Did you say tall and thin? But they can be resurrected!" Suddenly, the Cyberman's body reformed, and he stood. "Destroy!!" He yelled. The Doctor whipped off his jacket, and jammed his new tartan jumper over the Cyberhead. "Unexcellent! Strange patterns damaging optical sensorrrrrrrssssss..." The Cyberman fell to the ground. "Boozy-woozie Psychadelia..." groaned the dying Telosian. The tartan pattern burned out the isolinear brain, and the tall, thin cyberman died for the last time (In this story, anyway.
The doctor then fled shivering into the TARDIS to find a waistcoat. Jumpers were too much bother. Meanwhile, Ace and Jamie stared lovingly into each other's eyes. "Oh, Jamie"
"Oh... erm..." "... Ace"
"Ace... I love you"
"I love you too... please look at my face"
Jamie finally looked at Ace's face, and realised that her facial features were beautiful as well. As the sun sank over the horizon, despite the fact that it was nowhere near sunset, their lips met, and the Earth was, for once, at peace.
"I always knew I shouldn't ever visit Scotland."
Russel T Davies is ven more incompetent that ever. THAN EVER!!!
KILL! FIRE IF YOU'RE LAW CONCIOUS!