The Jolly Gnu, The Jolly Gnu, He Has A Hat, He Has A Shoe, That's Because, He's The Jolly Gnu. He is also totally mad.
TARDIS/Kamelion/Tegan/Turlough
Tegan murmured happily as she turned over in her rumpled bed. Suddenly, her eyes jerked open as her body hit another. At first, she was terrified, but then she remembered her strange encounter with Turlough the previous evening. He had been so charming... telling her how much he admired her... telling her how beautiful he thought she was... and one thing led to another... She opened her eyes to stare at the ginger lad. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Tegan drowsily got out of bed and opened the door. It was the Doctor, believe it or not.
"Sorry about the knocking," he said. "And with me repairing the TARDIS after the malfunctions she's been having recently, too. There's too much knocking going on in this TARDIS," he concluded cheerfully. Tegan agreed with him, thinking of something completely different. Just then Turlough turned up, looking suspicious. Neither Tegan nor the Doctor knew why he looked so suspicious all the time, but the Time Lord suspected that if he looked less suspicious, people would stop locking him up all the time. Tegan, meanwhile, was wondering why Turlough was out here in the corridor looking swarthy, instead of in bed, looking asleep. Suddenly, the Doctor peered interestedly into Tegan's bedroom.
"Tegan, why is Kamelion in your bedroom?"
This gave Turlough the opportunity to ask a question of his own.
"Tegan, why are you writhing on the floor looking shocked?"
Tegan opened her eyes. Turlough was standing over her looking suspicious (So would you be from Tegan's point of view) and the Doctor was wringing a damp flannel over her forehead, and over Tegan's forehead as well. Kamelion was looking as smug as an immobile and unconvincing prop can be. She sat up.
"Why are we in the console room?" she asked.
"To get out of your bedroom," replied Turlough. "The smell of Kamelion all over your clothes... uurgh!"
"How do you know what my clothes smell like anyway?" asked Tegan suddenly, which caused Turlough to whistle innocently. Kamelion glared at him jealously. The Doctor turned to the guilty android.
"Now, see here Kamelion!" he said angrily, wagging a finger. Kamelion looked upwards, and became engrossed in the ceiling. This meant that the Doctor had to explain the phrase 'see here'. Kamelion attempted to face the Doctor again, but his head fell off. He staggered a little, then divested his limbs. The Doctor sighed and buried his face in his hands.
"Come on, everyone," said the Doctor. "Everyone grab a body part and let's go somewhere where this bloody prop won't collapse." Tegan and Turlough obediently grabbed a part each. As they left, the TARDIS gave an agonised groan...
In Kamelion's room, which I won't describe, but you can imagine must be jolly nice as he spends so much time in there, Tegan, Turlough and the Doctor put their parts on the floor and reassembled Kamelion.
"Kamelion, can you hear me?" the Doctor asked.
"Working," reported Kamelion.
"Well, stop that and listen!" said the Doctor angrily. "As I said to Adric, sleeping with people you've only just met is against the rules." His eyes filled with tears. "Alas, poor Adric. He went before his time. Trouble being, he never seemed to know when his time was."
Tegan huffed.
"Huff," she went. "Stick to the point!" she said, handing a pin to Turlough. "Justice still has not been served! Kamelion has breached my personal space, and I demand, erm..."
"Satisfaction?" guessed Turlough, but shrivelled up when Tegan gave him a withering glance.
"Compensation," finished Tegan. "I say we dismantle every last nut and rod off his carcass!"
"NO!" shouted the Doctor, annoyed. "We must find out WHY Kamelion is behaving in this manner!"
Turlough bent down, and began fiddling with Kamelion's innards. The Doctor began to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow, then saw that no one was looking, so kicked Kamelion. This got Kamelion working, and the android sat up. His mechanic eyes roamed about the room, then rutaned to his body and gave a report. Turlough fell over in shock at the sight of Kamelion's eyes turning into Rutans, and immeadiately Kamelion pounced on the ginger lad. Appalled at what Kamelion tried to do next, the Doctor whacked him with a haddock. Kamelion seized Turlough and fled. The Doctor headed off in hot pursuit, then got locked in a fish freezer for two hours, which made him pace around in cold pursuit. When Tegan released him from the fish freezer, they followed some red herrings to Turlough's bedroom. The Doctor smashed open the door to reveal a terrible sight. Moving Turlough's lifesize cutout of the Mykra out of the way, the Doctor staggered back in shock. Kamelion stopped chasing Turlough around the bed, and turned to the Doctor.
"Doctor!" Kamelion shrieked. "How handsome you look today!" He started towards the Timelord, but stopped and stared down at the smoking hole in his chest. The Doctor started shouting at Kamelion's hole until it put out its cigarette. Then Kamelion collapsed, having been shot by Tegan. The Doctor then informed Turlough that he could take off the bikini.
Tegan entered the console room. The Doctor was stroking the console, making cooing noises. Turlough was thankfully wearing his shirt and blazer, and just for a change, some trousers too.
"What's happening?" Tegan asked, in her affable Austrailian accent.
The Doctor turned, beaming.
"The TARDIS is pregnant!" he announced.
Tegan screamed, because she's a girl. The Tenth Doctor entered, and screamed, causing a lot of 10 fans over the country to collapse in tears. The Fifth Doctor threw a random object at Ten, causing him to suffer Randomobjectivitis. The tenth went off on his random objective, never to be seen again (At least, not for some time).
"But how can the TARDIS be pregnant?" Tegan whinged.
"Well, the TARDIS is a girl,"the Doctor pointed out.
"WARHAT?!" Tegan screeched. A hat of war descended from the ceiling and dropped neatly over the Doctor's head.
"The TARDIS is a gir- oh, buttocks." Tegan realised she had made a bad mistake in the past.
"I always knew she was a girl," Turlough muttered. "Is there something weird going on, Doctor?"
"Kinda," the Doctor admitted.
Tegan sent the Doctor's previous incarnation to the middle of a Dalek-Cyberman battle via teleportation.
"Four to Doomsday," she reported.
The Doctor's face cleared in a rush of inspiration.
"The Awakening?" Turlough asked.
"Enlightenment!" The Doctor revealed. "Kamelion's inner personality chip has been sent haywire by the constant temporal disturbances in the TARDIS. This has given his positronic net a yearning for physical love, and so he has been trying to engage in-ahem- intercourse with everybody on the ship."
"How likely," muttered Turlough.
"Give it a break, it's not often Kamelion gets to do ANYTHING," Tegan observed.
"And now he gets to do everything at once- oh, no, sorry, I mean EVERYONE," bickered Turlough.
Tegan hit Turlough over the head with a didgeridoo. Turlough collapsed and hit a lever on the console. The hatch to the Heart Of The Tardis opened.
Now, here, dear reader, Turlough has a decision to make. He can:
a) Act like a total moron and look inside the Heart Of The Tardis and die, or:
b) Be sane, and look away from the fatal release of energy.
What do you think Turough did?
That's right.
a).
Turlough and Tegan slowly rose from the floor.
"Are you all right?" Turlough asked anxiously, as Tegan simultaneously asked "Am I all right?" The Doctor was leaping about manically. Turlough looked at him- suspiciously.
"Rutans! Bottoms! Egg! Weasel!" the Doctor bellowed. "The TARDIS is in labour!"
Turlough couldn't care less about the political leanings of the time machine, so he leant towards Tegan and asked her out on a date. Tegan replied that she didn't like fruit all that much.
The Doctor thought. He was good at this, but he wouldn't be forever. What could he do to rid the TARDIS of the spawn of Kamelion? What do you do to a pregnant woman to rid her of a baby? The Doctor had no experience of this, so he just kicked the TARDIS. The TARDIS responded by firing a baby at him. Tegan and Turlough flung themselves to the floor. The baby looked, to all intents and purposes, like a female human baby. Wearing a trouser suit.
Tegan and Turlough clambered to their feet. When they had reattached their feet, they stood up.
"When is the baby going to be born? What's that ugly lump in your hand?" Tegan enquired.
"I think that IS the baby," said Turlough, looking at the infant suspiciously.
Kamelion entered the console room, and stared around at the tableau around him. He nervously started backing away. He tripped over and crashed into Rose, who was just randomly passing through timezones. The Doctor leapt at Kamelion and stood over him victoriously. Grabbing his tool, he started opening Kamelion.
"We must remove Kamelion's positronic brain!" he shouted. Rose stared at Kamelion's innards, as was her wont.
"What are those?" she asked.
"Oh, just some electronic chips-" the Doctor started.
"-CHIPS!!" Rose leapt at Kamelion and started consuming his electronics.
It was two hours later. They had dropped Rose off in Cardiff, safe in the knowledge that the Ninth/Tenth Doctor turned up every five seconds there. Kamelion was repaired, and was sitting in his room suffering from extreme humiliation. The TARDIS had landed at the required destination- a children's home.
"So, Mr. and Mrs. Jones, do I have your word that you will care for this baby until she grows to adulthood?"
"You do," smiled Mrs. Jones. The Doctor smiled and handed over the baby. He turned back for a moment.
"Do you have a name for the girl?"
"Harriet." Mr. Jones told him.
The Doctor entered the TARDIS once more. He crossed to the corridor to the bedrooms, and then heard giggling from inside Tegan's room. He opened the door, saw Tegan and Turlough in bed together, and immediately brained Turlough.
"I've had enough of you today, Kamelion!" he shrieked. Then he realised what he was intruding upon.
"Ooops. I always knew this wouldn't end well..."
Indeed.