AN: hey, so I was going to post this on my birthday (the 14th) but I got busy..lol
NOTE: I put two chapters together, I thought the first was to much like the last one I posted, so I just make it in to a long one…. I hope ya'll like. :D
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Disclaimer: I don't own….and all that jazz
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Lily was getting better.
What was he thinking?
Lily didn't have a cold, you don't just get better from this. James was lost in thought. He was trying to be the understanding boyfriend, but it was hard.
When ever the thought that Lily was having a 'good day' she would get that look in her eyes, the one that meant that she was thinking about how her mother was gone, that her father was gone threw so much just to wake up, or she would remember something that her sister said when she and Mora went home.
James had wanted to go home with them, but it was during the school term and they didn't want many people to leave. He understood. It would be easier if Mora went she already knew Lily's sister.
He knew that Lily's sister had said something to them when they went home. At the funeral she basically said that it was all Lily's fault. While she left out all references to 'freak- magic' she claimed that it was Lily's friends from her boarding school that killed their mom.
When they got back Mora said that the comments from Lily's sister got even worse when they were alone in their home. So much so that she and Lily came back to school a day earlier. When Lily joined him on the couch he tried not to ask the questions that he found that he always bombarded her with when ever she walked in to a room
'Hi Lily how are you, is everything ok, can I get you anything, is something wrong,' He was trying his best, so when Lily sat down all he did was look over and say "Hi"
He tried not to notice the circles under her eyes and how they were growing darker, he tried to bring attention to the fact that she no longer laughed at the jokes that Sirius told, at best she would just smile. And he would never mention the fact that she always had a look on her face that make her look as if she was a million miles away.
He would never tell her, but he missed her. He knew that she was trying but he missed having him Lily there, the girl he could joke with, and tell anything to. He was worried the attacks where becoming more and more frequent, kinds going home on the weekends not happened pretty regularly and his parents, who were Aurors, were getting called out more and more. He was worried, but he couldn't tell Lily, he just say next to her with a million things to say going threw his head while not a single word slipped between his lips.
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Mora now understood the saying "stuck between a rock and a hard place". Telling Lily to snap out of it would be too insensitive, but at the same time the robot Lily was back. Mora couldn't stand the robot Lily, and now she understood the saying. She had to live with robot Lily, or she had to crush her best friend.
Mora was playing chess with Sirius, meaning Sirius was playing chess and when he reminded her that it was her turn she would move the first piece she looked at, so far Sirius had broken his own record for wins in a row.
James and Lily were sitting on the couch. This activity used to mean that they where making out, or giggling, or doing their homework when ever Lily found out how far behind James was. But now Lily was sitting there lost in space and James was trying to not look awkward sitting next to his girlfriend in complete silence.
For awhile Mora thought that Lily had broken her stony resolve, and that they were headed for the clear, but then she slipped back in to the robot mode, Mora now hated anything to do with robots.
"I think maybe we could all do with a little prank" Sirius said, bringing her attention back to the game she was playing.
"Really?" The boys had not done anything for a while, weather or not is was because of Lily was left up to the individual to decide.
"I think it could help James, and we all need a bit of distraction. I cant deal will seeing how many more people leave this weekend for a family reason" Sirius said, she agreed with him, the number of students going home to visit their wounded family members, or attend funerals was growing ever week.
"What are you thinking of?" She asked him
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Lily was not quite sure what class she had next, to be honest she didn't even know what part of the castle she was in. She had been wondering around in a hazy, not really hearing anything, not even noticing things, she felt as if she was a million miles away.
She looked down at her wrist to see what time it was and notice that she had forgotten to put on her watch that morning. She sat down near a window and looked outside. She felt horrible, but she wasn't thinking about her mother, and that only made her feel worse.
There was something wrong with her, there had to be. She hadn't cried, not once. Not even when she heard the news about her parents, not at the hospital, not at the funeral, not even when her sister blamed her.
She knew that this was not the normal response. She was sad, she was distraught about her mother, and was worried to death about her father, but still no tears. Lily pulled her knees in towards her chest and wrapped her arms around herself.
She just wanted to feel someone close to her, to hear another heart beet. James had been there for her, he still was. But she had kept him away from her, as she did with Mora, Sirius, Peter and Remus. She didn't know why.
Why was it when she most craved human contact, love and companionship did she push away her friends, why couldn't she cry? Lily asked herself over and over as she began to rock herself in to a state of comfort.
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Remus handed his bar of chocolate to Mora who was walking next to him, she broke off another piece and popped it in to her mouth as they walked along the hall. They were on patrol and were disusing the prank ideas that Sirius had come up with at dinner.
"I really don't think we could mess with Flitch anymore, when ever we do we always regret it when we finish our detentions" Remus said.
"I just cant believe that James didn't say anything, not one word for or against any of Sirius' ideas." Mora said remembering how silent James was, especially with Lily not there for him to try and talk in to acting like a human
"I know, he is taking all of this pretty hard ya know." Remus said biting in to the chocolate. James had become more and more silent and distant, He wasn't even confiding in them anymore, Remus was starting to get worried that they needed to do something about James and Lily when Mora let out a small shriek and grabbed his arm.
"oh-my-god-look-over-there" Mora said so quickly he hardly caught on to what she was saying. He looked over to where she was pointing and saw something crouched by the window.
The two of them approached slowly, they still could not tell what it was but when they were about ten feet away Remus noticed it was a person. He was trying to look at their face then her heard Mora.
"Lily?" She asked quietly kneeling next to the person. Lily looked up as if she was being awakened and looked up at Mora.
"What class do we have now?" Lily asked reaching for her book bag.
"Lil, it's 10:30, your in the old north hall, I think you feel asleep" Mora said as calmly as she could. She couldn't believe that Lily didn't know what time it was, or what was going on apparently.
Remus helped Lily up and Mora took the book bag from Lily.
"Lets head back to the dorm alright?" He asked Lily as if it was just a suggestion, as he stared her back towards the dorm. When they got to the painting of the fat lady he turned back to Mora
"How about you stay with her, I can finish patrolling by myself" he said. Mora just nodded as she and Lily walked quickly in to the common room and up to their room.
Mora wanted to avoid as many people as possible, she had to talk to Lily, and now.
"Lily, I want to talk to you" Mora said the moment she closed their door.
"I know, I know. I cant believe that I feel asleep. I just wasn't paying attention to where I was going and I just sat down for a bit." Lily said collapsing on to her bed.
"Lily, you didn't even know where you where or what time it was. How did you sleep threw the rest of the day, you have been so disconnected lately, I wonder if you can even hear me sometimes." Mora said trying to make Lily understand her.
"I hear you. I was just tired"
"Bullshit, something is wrong and I want to know what. I want you to tell me, I want you to let me in, let anyone in, just don't keep everything bottled up.
"I don't know ok, I'm sorry I just cant go back to my old self"
"We are not asking you to, we just want you to talk with us, to share something"
"I haven't cried" Lily finally said after a few moments of silence. She looked over at Mora who looked a bit confused.
"Ever since we got the news about my parents I haven't been able to cry about it. I have been so sad, I never even imagined I could feel this empty. But I have not shed even one tear."
Mora looked over at her best friend trying to find the words to say what she wanted to, but Lily started to speak again.
"I don't know what wrong with me, I just keep pushing everyone away but I want someone to be close I need…. I just want someone…. There" Lily stopped she didn't know what else to say, any other way to express the way she was feeling so she did what she had been, she just pushed Mora away.
"I'm tired, I'll talk to you latter ok." Lily said pulling her curtains on her bed closed and setting a charm on them not allowing them to be opened from the outside.
Mora sat there looking at the fabric of the curtains wondering what she should do. She walked over to her desk and began writing a note to the boys.
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"Lily has shut down again, I don't know if Remus has shared this info with you, but we found her asleep in the old part of the castle, not knowing where she was or what time it was. I am worried, she is shutting all of us out, she hasn't talked with anyone. I just don't know what to do. --Mora"
James put down the note and looked at his three closest friends, what could they do? He was tired of this, of Lily being down, or this war, of only hearing from his patents when they wrote to tell him that they were sent out again on an even more dangerous mission. He hate this war, he hate this half living. They were always scared, always worried, this was not life.
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James was on a mission, he was going to snap Lily out of this. He wanted her to be her old self, he needed her, now more than ever.
He was almost to the dining hall when Prof McGonagall pulled him aside.
"James I need to speak with you on a very important matter" She said pointing to a chair for him to sit in.
"No disrespect, but I have something I must do." He said sitting on the edge of the chair poised to jump of the second she was don't disciplining him or what ever.
"James, we have received word that your parents have gone missing." She said bluntly. James' body relaxed in to the chair, this is what he had been fearing. True he was scared of the news of their death, but the news of their disappearance was not much more welcomed.
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Lily was trying to carry on a conversation with Mora, but she couldn't tell weather or not they were still talking about their latest Charms' homework or if the topic had changed again. Right as Lily was going to ask Mora to clarify he latest comment James walked up to their table and sat down with a eerily blank face.
James looked over at Lily, he couldn't handle this by himself. He reached over and grabbed her hand and led her out of the dinning hall with out even as much as a 'Hello' to his other friends much less than an explanation.
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James pulled Lily in to a closet as he closed the door she began to question his odd mood and this odd choice for a place to go when the shock of being pulled in to a tight hug stole the words from her tongue.
When he released her from his death grip hug she looked up at him, waiting for him to explain.
"My parents are missing" James said looking down in to Lily's eyes as they widened with shock as she thought of what to say.
"What happened?" Lily asked grabbing a hold of his hand.
"No one know, they just cant be found" he said pulling Lily in to another hug, but this one was gentle, he just wanted to hold her, to know that she was there; to hear her heart beat.
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Mora, Sirius, Peter and Remus were waiting out side of the door to the broom closet when Lily and James exited a few minutes later.
"Ummm?" Sirius said not knowing what to question first, what had just happened, why they were in a closet, or why James was late to a meal.
"So, they just told me that my parents are missing" James said looking from one friend to the next finally looking back down to Lily who gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand.
The four of them didn't know what to say; first with Lily and her mom, now James' parents were missing, not even taking in to account Sirius' disinheritance this had been a very busy year.
Remus finally put a hand on James shoulder and softly said "we here for you". The other three nodded along as James looked for his book bag and they headed off for McGonagall's' class.
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McGonagall was standing in front of the class, there was nothing new there, but the odd thing was class had started a few minutes ago and she had yet to say anything. She finally looked around the room letting her eyes rest for a minute on James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, Peter and Mora.
"War is such a hard thing, we will never be able to explain to others how much wars cost. In the end the cost of war will be reduced down to the money spent and a number of lives lost. But for now they are so much more. I hate being the barer of bad news, I don't know how to tell you to listen to me teach you when you are having to deal with a possible war, with the fear of loosing family and friends, I want to tell you to live your life, that life is nothing if you do not let yourself experience it, and in a time like now when tomorrow is questionable I just want you to be able to look back as see more than fear, that is what we are fighting for."
McGonagall was silent for a moment after her speech slowly turning around and beginning her lecture of the day. Lily grabbed James' hand and whispered in his ear
"want to go to the lake after class?"
"But what about homework and test?" James asked her
"Books are portable" Lily said smiling. McGonagall was right, when Lily looked back on her life she wanted to be able to remember more from her year at school than the fact that her mother died, she had to live life.
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"I give it a….. 6.5" Mora said critically thinking about Sirius' last cannon ball in to the lake.
"Oh come on, you gave Remus an 8 and there is no way he was better than me!!" Sirius complained walking back up to the bank of the lake where the others were sitting.
"It's just 'cuz she has a thing for you" Sirius said as he passed Remus, making Remus turn red.
"James it's your turn" Peter called over to James.
"Ok you better get ready Mora, this is record breaking moves I'm about to pull out" James said climbing up to the top of the rock they used to jump off of. James's splashed managed to get all of them wet, even on the bank of the lake.
As he surfaced Mora jumped up.
"10!!, a perfect 10" she yelled clapping.
"It's not fair I had better form, he's just really good at the splash" Sirius said pouting as Remus elbowed him in the side.
Lily ran over to James with a towel laughing. Non of them even thought of war. Much less the sadness that was lurking in the back of their hearts.
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Thanks for all the reviews!! Mucho gusto (I'm trying!!)
I hope that this chapter is not too much like the last….
Songs:
Toxic-- Britney Spears
The Devil went down to Georgia-- The Charles Daniels Band
Breakfast at Tiffany's-- Deep Blue Something
Don't stop believing-- Journey