LIBERTINES AND LIBERATION – Stockholm Syndrome – CHAPTER 34
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any Stargate characters, ideas or themes. As a matter of fact, Stargate can have my ideas if they want them (wouldn't that be great). All standard applicable disclaimers apply to this piece. I have tried to source any materials quoted in furtherance of this story.
Spoilers: Probably some for Season 10 and beyond
Summary: Vala and Daniel centered storyline adventure (hopefully); relationship (okay yes); angst (yup); comfort; etc.
Rating: R to NC-17 in some parts, with some language and sexually graphic material.
Author's Note: This is my first Stargate fiction. My beta is an actual fish. Thanks E, for the beta assist. This story will have multiple chapters.
I know I said I wouldn't post this stuff tonight, but I couldn't wait for you all to read it. Also, I decided to break up the last of the Washington arc into three sections instead of just two. That means you can expect Chapter 35 in the next couples of days, if not sooner. Once again, I really want to hear from all you readers; so let me know what you think. Because, I worked on this chapter for a long time (see I'm invested in it). So please let me know your thoughts on it.
I took inspiration from Milena D's Misappropriation of Lives and a short story called Believe by Random. I really wish those two authors would write more on those two story lines.
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Dropping the Eaves
Vala looked from Sam to Jack, but didn't say anything.
Jack put his hands on Vala's shoulders and said, "Vala I think Danny's a little overwhelmed, like your thank you gift might be a bit of overkill for him. It's like you exchanged Christmas gifts; he gave you a blender and you gave him a Porsche."
Sam rolled her eyes at Jack. "Okay Sam, you think you can do any better, I'll be on the deck with Daniel." Jack began gathering slices of cake and coffee to take with him.
"Actually, Sam I need to get out of here for awhile," Vala said with a small fake smile.
"No problem, I'll come with you," Sam told her.
"Okay ladies, but no dancing on bar tops," Jack smirked.
Jack went out to the deck with the dessert and coffee.
"Did I hear Sam and Vala leave," Daniel asked.
"Yes Daniel, you've driven Vala to drink and she's taking Sam with her. You were pretty harsh with her Daniel," Jack said quietly. "You may not see it Daniel, but her plan has a lot of merit."
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Daniel found himself back at the hotel sitting in the dark on the balcony of his room looking out on the DC skyline. He was angry, restless, confused and overwhelmed. Vala had basically told him he hadn't protected her; that she didn't want him with her if she had to leave Earth; and then, she'd called him a liar! He was uncomfortable with her proposal on every level – the risk, the return to piracy and the self-serving compensation. He had no idea what her grand gesture concerning his professional autonomy meant given everything she had said to him today.
Daniel thought back to the conversation that he'd had with Jack an hour ago.
Earlier that evening:
Daniel let out a loud sigh. "She's feeding you a bill of goods Jack. She can't pull it off. No one can, that's suicide," Daniel said sharply as he gritted his teeth.
"Daniel, I'll verify the information before we commit resources. But if what she says is correct, I think it just might be doable. We've certainly attempted far stupider missions for far less reason."
Daniel rolled his eyes but said nothing.
"But to be honest, I get the impression it won't be a walk in the park," Jack confessed.
"You know she wouldn't just be putting her life on the line. She'd be risking others."
"Yeah, well it's what we all do – it comes with the territory doesn't it Daniel," Jack stated the obvious.
"Yes, but the risks need to be acceptable," Daniel said knowing it was a hypocritical statement.
Jack gave him a sideways glance and said, "Yeah, right."
"Jack! Look she's got memory issues; she can't sleep through the night; she gets stressed and goes into some weird fighting posture," Daniel divulged traitorously.
"Daniel for someone who claims to have no interest in her, you are acting like a possessive husband. Has Hank taken her off active duty?"
"Well no," Daniel admitted.
"Has she ever proven dangerous to your safety on a mission?"
"Not yet but," Daniel sputtered.
"Then I don't see a problem; we've had you on active duty with amnesia; and you've certainly been a loose canon. From what I've seen, she's a hell of a lot more reliable than you were when I took you on buddy. Look, I'll get her back in one piece."
"Jack! I guess Vala was right, you're on board with this," Daniel said incredulous at the discovery that he could not sway Jack away from the plan.
"Yes Daniel I'm on board. And, I want you on board too," Jack told him.
"Did you help her with any of the stuff in the proposal, Jack?" Daniel asked in a voice with more calm than he felt.
"No, I told her you'd be dangerous with that much freedom. But she seemed to have more faith." Jack laughed, "She came up with all that stuff on her own."
"Yeah well I think the compensation is the whole reason for the deal," Daniel said bitterly. "I just thought we were passed all that stuff."
"Look it's a good proposal; she's trying to secure funding for the SGC and the work she knows that you are passionate about. She's trying to make sure that you have autonomy," Jack pointed out. "Doesn't she get any credit from you for that stuff?"
Daniel had no reply so Jack added, "There's nothing wrong with a little self interest and the instinct to protect what you love."
Daniel scowled at the admonishment.
Several minutes of silence passed between Jack and Daniel. Jack sat quietly allowing Daniel to formulate his thoughts.
"You really think this stuff is possible." Daniel shook his head in disbelief, letting out another long breath. He had never even thought about asking for such terms. It reminded him of the time in Atlantis when Vala kept pressing him to ask Morgan Le Fay outright for the ancient names and gate addresses of the three planets where Merlin's weapon might be.
"Well Danny, you need to think about how to make her proposal about your autonomy agreeable to the administration. And yeah, I think once they see what she's offering, they're going to be pretty accommodating to her requests, so I wouldn't be eliminating any of them right off the bat," Jack advised. "She's certainly thinking outside of the box."
Back on the Balcony
Daniel had left Jack's house after that conversation and walked for some time before he wound up back in his hotel room sitting on the balcony in the dark.
Lost in his thoughts, he heard voices in her room. Through the small break in the partition between their balconies, Daniel could see the curtain softly blowing out from the open sliding glass door to Vala's room. Two figures in silhouette sat down on Vala's couch.
"Thanks for tonight Sam," Vala said with a smile.
"No problem; Cam said he'd be over in a couple of minutes," Sam told her soothingly.
"So what would you like to drink?" Vala asked. "There's wine?"
"Fine."
Daniel had meant to get up and go into his room, give them some privacy, but his feet didn't seem to want to move.
"Think Daniel's back yet," Vala asked nervously.
"I doubt it. He's probably still with Jack," Sam replied. Daniel saw Sam move to look out the sliding glass door. "His room is dark," Sam added.
"Doesn't matter; he'll be in avoidance mode; he may never recover from my act of generosity, I suppose he'd call it greed," Vala said bitterly.
"Vala, give him some time." Sam said.
"Yes because time has patched everything up with Dr. Daniel Jackson, right Sam? It seems to me that Daniel has had several years of my time."
More like you've had several years of my time Vala. Daniel thought silently as he clenched his teeth and fumed.
A knock at the door interrupted their conversation.
"So Princess, you wanted to talk to us," Cam asked Vala as he settled on the couch next to Sam.
"In a nutshell, I've told Jack that I will plan and run a raid on the Lucian Alliance to liberate their extensive weapons grade naquedah stockpiles and deliver them to the Tau'ri. I'm going to leverage those stockpiles into some concessions from your government including restored funding for the SGC.
Sam and Cameron looked shocked and briefly glanced at one another to confirm their own response to the news.
"Oh, and today, Jack and I figured out that we'll need to find a couple of spare Stargates for your government in order to reduce the IOA's involvement in the SGC," Vala continued.
Sam and Cameron's both wore surprised expressions. Both of them exclaimed, "Wow!"
"By the way, Jack thinks this plan is doable. Not completely without risk, but worth trying." Vala added in an all business, go through the check list of questions and objections you'll have, matter of fact tone.
Sam asked softly, "And this is what you were talking to Daniel about today? This is why he's so upset?"
"Frankly, you'd have to ask Daniel why he's upset; I doubt he could even tell you," Vala shrugged.
Daniel let out a loud snort that he thought for sure would be heard, but no one seemed to notice.
"Well that's a pretty ambitious plan, Princess," Cam told her.
"Yes, I suppose so; but I do have contacts and sources that I believe can be turned to our purpose. And Jack's going to help with the planning and execution. I'm pretty sure we won't get a go traffic green light on the project unless he thinks there's a good chance of success," Vala told them.
"It's just called a 'green light'," Cam corrected.
"Oh, and just so you know, I'm motivated by saving myself from the IOA, but that doesn't mean my plan is without tactical merit for the Tau'ri," Vala stated.
"Vala, SG-1 is going to want to help with your operation," Cam added.
Vala looked at Cam sternly, "Absolutely not!"
"That's not your call, Princess," Cam told her.
Vala held a hand to her forehead. "What have I done to deserve all you attractive Tau'ri men trying to run my life?"
Daniel silently scowled. "Because you look beautiful and act like a fruitcake," Daniel whispered to himself.
"This Tau'ri man, attractive or not, is your CO, Princess," Cam smirked at her. "I guess that gives me the right to run part of your life."
"Cam's right Vala, you'll need our help," Sam told her gently.
"Yes Sam, I'll need YOUR help to pick out the right Stargates to target for liberation. I'll probably need your help on some of the technical issues like unlinking the gates we target from the gate network. But you're both wrong about the Lucian Alliance raid. The SG-1 has to stay out of it; that's my call; and quite frankly, you're faces are so recognizable that your participation could jeopardize the whole operation." Vala gave Cam a little smirk as she added, "Cam Mitchell bounty hunter can't come within a thousand light years of this raid."
"I could be Mr. Shaft then. Besides, your better known than me," Cam argued.
Daniel nodded silently from his eaves dropping perch.
Vala nodded her agreement and shrugged. "Yes, yes that's true. But my reputation has a moral flexibility that allows for the likelihood that I have double crossed my dear Tau'ri allies and am now on my own again."
"In other words, it won't surprise them to see you've parted ways with an ally." Sam said.
"That's right Samantha," Vala nodded.
"Vala, you said Jack thinks this raid is a good idea," Cam began.
Vala nodded.
"Well that goes a long way towards convincing me that it is workable. Plus I've seen you pull off some pretty impressive feats," Cam told her.
Vala smiled, "Thanks Cam. I'm relieved to hear that you don't share Daniel's opinion that I'm an incompetent blundering idiot."
Daniel shook his head angrily at her words.
"I'm sure he doesn't think that Vala," Sam defended gently.
"I didn't think he did either, Sam, but you didn't hear him tonight," Vala said with hurt and anger in her voice.
Daniel felt a tiny pang of guilt break through his anger. He'd made Vala feel incompetent, and he was sorry about that.
"You might as well know the rest of it. This is my self serving compensation proposal," Vala said handing them each a copy. "Daniel has already raised his objections to the parts concerning him."
Vala sat quietly while her two teammates read her proposal.
"Vala, you've asked for everything except the keys to the White House," Cam whistled. "It's not all about personal gain though; Jackson shouldn't have said that. And, if you pull this off, the SGC and Daniel's archeology department will never need to worry about funds again. And, I guess I'm very touched by your gesture of including a bonus for me."
Vala smiled, "Thanks Cam; well hey, I had to pay Wendy back for all that pie somehow."
"But Princess, Jackson is right, it does feel strange to have a personal gain from an operation where people will be risking their lives."
Daniel silently nodded his head in agreement with Mitchell's words.
"Well Cam I'll tell you exactly what I told Daniel. This is my proposal and it's not up to you what I ask for. I'm the one taking the most risks. I'm just informing you of my intentions as a courtesy. And I'm not going to tell you to spend the money on charity. I intend this money to insure that my teammates are able to secure their financial futures no matter what happens," Vala smiled, but her eyes held determination.
Cam thought back to his injuries after the battle in the Antarctica. His rehabilitation would have been less painful and gone more quickly if he could have afforded a private facility. As it was, his parents had loaned him money for additional physical therapy. The military rehabilitation facility had been excellent, but there were so many wounded soldiers in need that therapy time was at a premium. And, he couldn't deny that he had worried about how he would support himself if the wheelchair had become a permanent fixture in his life.
"I guess when you put it like that I can see where you're coming from. I'm not sure I'll be able to accept it, but I appreciate you thinking of my welfare, Vala," Cam told her as he stood up and gave her a hug.
"Cam, please accept the bonus if I can negotiate it. Remember, the bonus will be paid by Uncle American Sam, not me. Once this negotiation is over, I'll be out of that part of it," Vala noted.
"It's just Uncle Sam, Princess," Cam smiled.
"Sam, you've been pretty quiet," Vala said.
"I'm overwhelmed, Vala. I'm touched that you thought of me. But, I don't expect these monies to come to fruition. You should just use this as a negotiating point."
"Expect the money Sam; these teammate bonuses are important to me. The only points I prioritize more highly are freedom and Daniel's professional autonomy," Vala told her.
"Look, I won't raise any objections to your proposal, but I do plan to ask Jack for a role in the Alliance raid," Cam said.
Vala smiled and nodded at Cam's statement. She, and not Jack, would make the personnel decisions for the raid. But, she didn't really need to argue with Cam about that right now.
"So Jackson didn't take too well to you giving him the winning suitcase, huh Howie Mandel," Cam asked her with a gentle smile.
Daniel shook his head no.
Vala looked confused.
"It's a game show, Princess, where you pick a case and win what's inside."
"Oh, no, no he didn't," Vala said.
"Give him some time," Cam told her.
"Yes, that's what everyone has advised," Vala gave Cam a big fake smile that hid her burgeoning desire to smack the next person who advised her to give Daniel Jackson more time.
"And on that note, I have to say goodnight," Cam told the women. "I've got to go call home; it's Wendy's birthday."
"It is! I love Wendy! Please tell her happy birthday for me, Cam!" Vala gave him a heart felt grin.
"Wendy loves you too, Princess," Cam grinned back.
Daniel felt a twinge of jealousy at the easy and happy relationship Vala enjoyed with Cam. She could easily fit into his world. Cam ordered Vala around, and she followed his lead. Cam's parents already loved her like a daughter. Those people that are like parents for Vala; she doesn't have that in the world I can offer her. Daniel's thoughts shocked him; that's a thought you have for someone you want to marry. He shook his head; where did that come from, he wondered.
Sitting on his darkened balcony, Daniel couldn't deny that Jack, Cam and Sam all seemed to be fine with Vala's proposal. It might be overwhelming and over the top, but they had agreed to support it. Why couldn't he give Vala support? Was he being unreasonable? Was his fear of losing Vala in this risky operation clouding his judgment? Was his own guilt over failing to protect Vala clouding his judgment?
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Stockholm Syndrome
Vala plopped on the couch next to Sam. She ran her hands through her hair. "Sam, I'm out of my depth here. It feels like the right thing to do. Why can't Daniel see that?"
"Daniel's behavior today hurt you, but I think he was reacting to the dangers this plan will pose to the people he loves, including you Vala. He cares; he just can't admit it."
Daniel leaned forward towards the partition, he was listening intently now.
"Daniel doesn't care about me. He only sees me as an obligation and responsibility," Vala said. "He told me so today."
I didn't say that, Daniel thought.
"Daniel's had a lot of tragedy and not everyone is as resilient as you are Vala."
"Daniel doesn't even try to recover, Sam. I see that now," Vala said sadly. "And, I'm part of the salt that keeps his wounds raw and bleeding. It's why he fought to keep me at the SGC."
"He fought for you because he cares what happens to you; he thinks you're brave, intelligent and have a contribution to make," Sam said softly.
Daniel nodded his head from his hiding place.
"Sam, lots of people offered those things to the SGC, and Daniel never integrated them into his daily life. He never told them they were home and . . . ."
Daniel folded his arms anxious as he heard his words flow through Vala.
"Vala, you had a lot to do with how close Daniel became to you; don't you think," Sam asked gently.
Daniel was vigorously nodding his head up and down.
"Yes, I don't deny that Sam. But I couldn't have gotten close to Daniel if he truly hadn't wanted it and you know it."
"Yes, I guess that's true. Daniel's managed to hold even his closest friends at bay when he puts his mind to it," Sam agreed.
Whose side are you on Sam, Daniel silently huffed.
"I thought he allowed me to stay close . . . because under all the criticism and gruff rejection . . . he cared about me. But now I think it has more to do with his wife and my history as a host."
Daniel gasped. What the hell does she mean by that?
"What are you saying, Vala," Sam asked.
"The only way Daniel can learn what Sha're experienced as a host, is to learn how I experienced being a host. I mean, I already knew he needed to know that stuff from me," Vala explained further with a sigh. "But, I thought he needed it for closure so he could move on. Now I think he needs it to keep his wounds bleeding so he doesn't have to move on."
Daniel's stomach lurched. Vala's had just confirmed that she'd allowed him to dig into her history with Qetesh for his benefit.
Sam shook her head. "Vala, Daniel believes that you need to know about your time with Qetesh so you can move on," Sam said.
"Maybe on some level, I suppose that's true, Sam. But I think it is also true that Daniel has worked hard at keeping his wounds surrounding Sha're fresh. It's been seven years since her death!"
"He does need to move on; but I think he's starting to do that now," Sam told her.
"Sam, Daniel signed up with SG-1 to save Sha're, and failed. But, he didn't quit the SGC and get on with living his life. He just changed his goal and fought to free the galaxy from the Goa'uld. And I'm not saying that was wrong. But it allowed him to dwell on his painful past. Now the Goa'uld have been defeated. But does he move on from his painful past? No; he arranges to be in constant close proximity to a former long time host to a Goa'uld."
"Vala, you chose Daniel; you sought him out," Sam pointed out.
Daniel nodded silently.
"I'm not denying my part in this Sam. I did seek Daniel. I've been pretty up front about the whole Daniel thing in spite of what he thinks," Vala said.
Daniel had a look of silent confusion on his face as he listened to Sam's gentle laugh.
"Yes you have Vala. But remember Daniel is a man, and they're pretty clueless about that stuff."
What! Daniel thought: I'm not an idiot! I know she wants me for sex. She's made that quite clear.
"Sam, I can't kid myself anymore, Daniel wants me here so he can find out what Sha're went through as a host. It's all he wants from me. But I don't think he's been prepared for the truth." Vala snorted bitterly.
What! How does she figure that! Daniel thought as he let out an involuntary snort.
"Vala, what do you mean," Sam asked quietly.
"Sam you've been there. You were host to Jolinar; you were in limbo without the ability to move your body; it's so cold and dark. And you're just nothing. But you were with a Tok'ra who assured you that it was only temporary. I know it wasn't exactly voluntary on your part, but you came to cooperate with Jolinar. And, Jolinar wasn't being cruel."
"Yes," Sam whispered.
"Sam, how do you feel about Martook? He was Jolinar's great love. And you love him too, don't you Sam?" Vala asked the question softly.
"Yes," Sam admitted.
"And, you don't know where Jolinar's feelings about Martook end and your feelings for him begin?" Vala cut straight to the truth of Sam's feelings.
"Yes, that's true," Sam told her nodding.
Daniel was holding his breath to make sure he heard every word. He knew Sam had strong feelings for Martook. He'd heard her talk about it.
"Well for a forced host, there's a great deal more brutality and cruelty," Vala told her in a strained voice. "So if there is any love and humanity, then you seek it and make it yours too. Love and humanity aren't easy to find when you're dealing with a Goa'uld. It wants to grind you out of existence."
Daniel heard Sam's breath catch in her throat. He too was horrified and fascinated by Vala's words. He was desperate for more information and thankful when Sam asked another question.
"Vala, what are you saying?"
"I saw a documentary on your television about Patty Hearst. She's a newspaper heiress who was kidnapped in the 1970s by the Symbionese Liberation Army."
"I know who she is Vala," Sam told her.
"Anyway, after awhile Patty Hearst participated in a bank robbery with her kidnappers. The program talked about how long term hostages come to identify with their captors. They called it Stockholm Syndrome," Vala said.
"Uh, huh," Sam encouraged Vala to continue.
Daniel was looking through the slit in the partition and pressing his cheek against it.
"The truth is that hosts are hostages; and over time a hostage can't keep up living in terror and despair all twenty-four and seven," Vala explained.
"twenty-four; seven?" Sam corrected.
"Yes, exactly, you have to find a way to survive. You become involved in the only life available to you – that of your captor, in our case the Goa'uld who took over our bodies. And you take any moments of pleasure and joy that you can find or you dwell alone in the unspeakable cruelty. And, if you dwell in the cruelty, you give up and go insane like Sarah did."
"Oh," Sam let out a big sigh.
Daniel's breath hitched in again, and he was afraid the women might hear him as he brought his arms around himself in comfort. He couldn't bear to hear the pain in Vala's voice.
Vala was holding back tears in her eyes, "Daniel's the smartest man I've ever known. He saw Sarah go insane; and, he's heard the Tok'ra say that most hosts are driven insane. He knows the look of a life in failure."
Vala paused as if she were afraid to continue. And Daniel felt himself nearly jumping out of his skin with the desire for her to finish her thought.
"Vala," Sam prompted her to continue.
"And Daniel's wife Sha're wasn't insane; was she? And, I'm not insane am I?" Vala gave a little laugh, "You don't have to answer that."
"You're saying that you and Sha're found a way to survive and maintain your sanity," Sam nodded in understanding.
Daniel let out a jagged breath as a tear ran down his face. He watched Vala through the slit in the partition nod her head up and down. Vala had wrapped her arms around her own body; she was unaware that she and Daniel had mirror image body language at the moment.
"What Daniel doesn't want to see is that Sha're, his beautiful wife, and of course she loved him and wanted him back. What woman wouldn't want to be with Daniel when he wanted her?"
Daniel smiled softly at the compliment in spite of himself.
"At some point, Sha're bonded with her captor Amonet. Sha're identified and bonded with Amonet and Apophis and the love they felt for one another. She bonded to the point that she carried their child for nine months."
Sam nodded silently.
"Sha're had control of her body while she was pregnant. Amonet had suppressed herself in order to sustain the pregnancy – otherwise the child would have died," Vala continued.
"Yes, the Goa'uld must remain dormant. That's my understanding of how a Goa'uld and human mating for a harcesis child is brought to term," Sam agreed.
"Apophis sent Sha're to Abydos, her home world, for most of her pregnancy right Sam?"
"Yes Vala, that's right."
"So Amonet was suppressed; Apophis wasn't on the planet; and Sha're was in control. I'm sure Sha're carried the child with mixed feelings; I'm sure if you asked her she would say she was forced. I know better than anyone what it's like to carry a child you had no control over conceiving. I didn't have the strength to terminate my pregnancy."
"Uh, huh," Sam responded.
"The thing is, I couldn't send for Daniel. I didn't have that option. Sha're could have sent for Daniel at any point during her pregnancy, but she didn't. Her father finally contacted Daniel in Sha're's ninth month. And, that contact was prearranged between Daniel and his father in law."
"Yes, all that is true Vala," Sam said. "How is it that you know so much?"
"I have my sources," Vala said.
Daniel felt sick listening to Vala's words.
Daniel's chest was heaving in anger as he listened. These were the intimate details of his life that Vala was hashing out.
"Sha're had months of opportunity to seek her freedom from Amonet; she had months of dominance; she had Daniel for a husband and yet, she didn't use her dominance to seek a chance to be free or at the very least seek to spend every minute of her limited time in freedom with Daniel. Don't you see, Sam? Sha're became more emotionally invested in Amonet, Apophis and their child than in her life with Daniel. She chose their child over her life with Daniel. And Daniel on some level knows that," Vala explained with sadness in her voice.
"Oh," Sam said as the realization spread over her.
How dare she say that! Who is she to say that! Fresh anger boiled up in Daniel.
Vala was revealing Daniel's deepest hidden thoughts. These were things he had never said out loud because he feared it would make them real. And now that he heard the words, he knew that Vala was at least partially right. He almost hated Vala for being right.
"And then there's me, the evil seductress, the thief that survived her captivity. I'm the one that neither died nor went insane." Vala laughed bitterly, "The success story of the Tok'ra!"
Daniel quelled his anger enough to continue listening to Vala. He heard her snort loudly in self deprecating humor.
"Daniel won't admit it even to himself, but he wants to know why I didn't go crazy like Sarah. His lovely Sarah was so much more deserving of her sanity than me. I mean, Sarah would have done something with her life."
Daniel gasped.
"No, Vala! Daniel doesn't think that," Sam protested on his behalf.
"Sam, he does think it. He may not know it, and certainly can't admit it. But he wonders how the undeserving Vala Mal Doran survived when his innocent, beautiful, and more vital to his life Sha're couldn't. Why not Sha're instead of me? What's so special about Vala; that's what he's wondering Sam. He wants to know what I had that Sarah and Sha're didn't have?"
Daniel felt paralyzed. Was Vala right, Daniel asked himself.
"Vala, no, Daniel's doesn't think like that," Sam denied.
"Yes. He. Does. I understand that now. I can see it in the multitude of disappointed, critical looks he feels the need to give me. I see it in every ounce of control he exerts over me. I just didn't put it all together until today, Vala said hopelessly.
"No, Vala! You've been here for quite a while. Daniel hasn't grilled you for information."
"That's true Sam. He's a sweet man, and he held back as long as he could. I think he tried not to dig."
Daniel's fists were clenched as he rolled his eyes not able to see anything but his anger.
"Vala, you're wrong about this! I know Daniel," Sam implored her to understand.
"If I'm wrong, then why is it that no matter what I've done to redeem myself in his eyes, he keeps coming back to my misdeeds. It's all he really sees," Vala said hotly.
Vala rose from the couch and began to pace as if she were working out her thoughts as she went. "You should have heard him today. My plan was hair brained, selfish and self serving; he told me I was nothing more than a space pirate; I'm too damaged to pull it off; I'm going to get good people killed unnecessarily and only for greed."
That's not what I said; and it's not what I meant! Daniel seethed.
"Vala, Daniel cares about you. We all do." Sam said.
"I care about all of you," Vala whispered. "You're the best family I've ever had. And, Daniel and I will get through all this. I'll go on my little adventures. And when I'm done; I'll let him thoroughly dissect my history as a host. He can bleed me dry about it if he needs it; I'm not going to deny him that. But, I'm not going to say that he's doing the research for a clue to the Clava Thessara Infinitas; I'm not going to say that he's doing it for me!"
"Vala, I think Daniel's a little overwhelmed. He's afraid for you; that's all today was been about," Sam said.
"Look Sam, I didn't mean to make Daniel angry. I thought my proposal would be a good thing for him. He's always talking about what he would do if he had the funding, the time, the permission for this or that exploration project," Vala bit her lower lip and looked up at Sam with confusion clear on her face.
"Yeah he is," Sam agreed, "He needs a little . . ."
Vala interrupted Sam, "TIME? Yes, Sam; Daniel ALWAYS needs more time. No Sam, Daniel's made up his mind; I'm too dirty, too unworthy to contribute to his happiness. He can't betray Sha're like that. I'm not good enough to actually change his life for the better. He told me he doesn't want anything from me. Dr. Jackson's time is up; I don't think he needs more time. And you know what Sam? He can just be upset, because I'm not giving in; and I'm done waiting for him to care about me the way that I care about him. I'm done," Vala told her.
"Oh Vala, please don't give up on Daniel," Sam told her softly. "He's been happier than I've seen him in a very long time since you've been around."
"I don't intend to tell Daniel any of this stuff. I can't hurt him like that," Vala shook her head. "I know I shouldn't have said anything to you either; it's been a really, really long week, Sam," Vala sounded tired.
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Clash of the Titans
Daniel heard Sam leave Vala's room. It was quiet now as he listened to the sound of water running in Vala's bathroom.
Daniel was still breathing hard. He was getting angrier the more he thought about Vala's words. Daniel had had enough. He was livid that Vala had talked about his life with Sha're; he was livid that she presumed to know Sha're's motivations. It was none of her business. She needed to know that. He opened the connecting door and entered Vala's room.
Daniel was sitting on the little couch glaring at Vala as she came out of her bathroom wearing only a purple jogging bra and light green thong panties. Running clothes were laid out on the bed; she was clearly planning on running off her obvious agitation. Going about her business, unaware of his presence, Vala looked sensual dressed in this revealing, but entirely innocent, way.
Daniel drank in the sight of Vala, but felt mostly anger at the attraction and arousal she stirred in him.
"Daniel!" Vala jumped in surprise and then colored a blush pink. She recovered quickly to add, "I didn't hear you knock."
"I didn't knock, darling," Daniel answered sarcastically, "I've been sitting on my balcony listening to your helpful insights about my wife. Like you and my Sha're have anything in common," Daniel said coldly.
Vala's breath hitched in and her eyes bore a look of deep shock and concern. She grabbed a shirt and quickly slipped her arms into the sleeves. Vala didn't bother to button the shirt, but instead wrapped her arms around her waist before moving to sit next to Daniel on the little couch. Vala's bare legs folded under her as she placed a hand on Daniel's leg.
"Daniel I'm sorry you overheard that. But, maybe you needed to hear it. You spend so much time; so much of your life dwelling in the past. And, whether you like it or not, your wife and I have a lot in common, and you know it," Vala whispered.
"What? You think I need your twisted insights and evaluations on my wife's time as a host in order to keep her alive to me? You think she didn't love me enough, because you've never really loved anything Vala? You think I need to hear your lies?" Daniel spat out the words as he flung Vala's hand from his leg.
"Daniel, I wasn't . . . I didn't mean for you to hear that. And, I never said your wife didn't love you enough Daniel. Don't twist my words. Of course, she loved you."
Daniel sneered, "So are you lying now or were you lying to Sam, Vala?"
Vala shook her head violently and said, "Neither one; I'm not lying! You can either look at the way things really are and accept them, and then maybe you can build a new life, or you can live in pain and denial. It's not going to change the truth. And the truth is that Sha're made a life – had to make a life as a host -- in order to survive and not go crazy. It was a horrible, small, pathetic existence, but it was a life nonetheless. Don't let it eat you up inside Daniel!" Vala got up and started pacing.
Daniel followed Vala off the couch, grabbed her by the shoulders and began shaking her. He hissed out, "And what about you Vala, how did you survive your captivity?"
Vala's entire body was swaying at the force of Daniel's attack; she managed to straighten her back. She looked him straight in the eye and laughed seductively.
"You want to know how I survived Daniel. I survived because I never let myself identify with Qetesh. How could I, she was Hathor all over. She was worse than Hathor, because she didn't believe in chemically induced cooperation in matters of love – no, why should she use chemicals when she could use force. How did I survive Daniel? How did I not go insane? I survived because I was never fully her captive. I fought her; I always fought."
Daniel watched as Vala approached him and ran her hand up his chest and brought her face close to his own.
"Daniel you know how I survived! I was host to one of the most depraved Goa'uld's around. And, you know that because you were Lotar to her counterpart, Hathor. Qetesh wasn't Amonet; there was no true love like Amonet's Apophis. Qetesh's relationships were unspeakably twisted and cruel. There was no solace in them. And maybe I was luckier not to have encountered a Goa'uld with the capacity for that kind of love, that kind of humanity."
Daniel shrank back a bit at the force of Vala's anger and proximity.
"How did I survive in the face of all the cold and cruelty? There was sex – there was always sex. I knew nothing of the carnal world before Qetesh; but I forget, you were there, YOU KNOW THAT. She initiated me into carnal pleasure."
Vala looked at Daniel in challenge and stepped closer to him. "I took pleasure in the sex, when I could anyway. Some of it was sick and degraded. And when Qetesh sensed any pleasure from me, it always quickly became sick and degraded. And, it angered her for me to find any joy. But, I lived for the times I found something human. It made me patient; and it gave me the strength to endure the cruelty."
Daniel's anger surged and crashed into Vala's anger. He backed away from Vala, but she advanced towards him again.
"But you already know that don't you Daniel? You think me wanton; you think me a Libertine without any capacity to love a man. You judge me for it." Vala was breathing hard now.
"No I don't judge or punish you Vala, you do that by yourself," Daniel told her. Once again Daniel backed up and once again Vala closed the gap between them.
"Yes Daniel, you judge. But you can't leave it at that can you Daniel? You punish me too. You punish me for my dark past. You punish me for Sha're's betrayal. You punish me for your betrayal of Sha're, because that's how you see this thing we have. You want me and that's a betrayal of Sha're. You want me, but you don't want to want me do you?"
Daniel's anger surged anew.
"Stop! Vala you're my friend, we're co-workers, but you don't own me; we're not romantic. You play your games, and I'm put in the position of putting the brakes on, because if I didn't we wouldn't even have the fucked up working relationship we enjoy," Daniel said heatedly. "Contrary to your expert psychoanalysis, I have let go of Sha're. You're the one in denial. I can never see a relationship with you Vala; so I don't want you no matter how attracted to you I am. But you flirt and crack your little sexual innuendos to entertain the group. Oh and everyone chuckles and you just keep on."
Vala snorted in disbelief. "I'm not an idiot Daniel; I know when a man wants me. You want me Daniel; you deny it; lie about it; and tell yourself I'm not serious about you. You have so many excuses for not pursuing a relationship. And it's not all sexual desire. When I'm lost, you're relentless and beside yourself wanting me back; and when I'm hurt, you're the only one you'll let comfort me."
"You're mistaken Vala. I'd do that for any of my colleagues." Daniel said uncomfortable on the defensive as he took another step back.
Vala closed the gap between herself and Daniel again.
"Really Daniel, you'd sleep with Jack, Sam, Cameron or Teal'c?"
Daniel didn't say anything. He just rolled his eyes and took another step back. Vala closed the gap again.
"Wake up Daniel! I have never willingly given a man as much control over my life as I have given to you. You literally have control over the air I breathe, over where I go." Vala was shaking her head. "You comment on what I wear, what I say, what I do and who I see. You jerk me around by the hand like I'm your child. And I let you!"
Vala had backed Daniel's legs into the couch; he had no place else to go. So Vala pushed him down into a seated position. And without any hesitation, Vala sat down on top of Daniel's lap.
"Vala!" Daniel was pissed, "you're an emotional mess; and you're playing games; and I'm not that kind of game player."
"Oh, I'm the game player here am I; because I flirt with you, right? Well let's look at what kind of game player you are Daniel," Vala told him in a dangerous seductive voice, "Are you the kind that lets a thief kiss it better?"
"That was you, not me." Daniel said protesting.
"You didn't enjoy it at all," Vala said wiggling gently in his lap.
"Of course I enjoyed it, I'm a guy!" Daniel gasped, already feeling a return of arousal in response to having a half naked Vala in his lap. He was aroused in spite of all they'd said to each other. He was aroused in spite of how incredibly pissed off at her he was right now.
"And Quotan, you didn't have any reaction to me, but you decided to hold me in your lap for hours while I was unconscious and practically naked," Vala said moving on Daniel's lap again.
Vala could feel Daniel's erection. He made a little moan as she wiggled slowly in his lap.
Then, Vala turned to straddle Daniel's lap. She was looking directly into his eyes.
Daniel could feel the moist heat of her through her thin panties; through his jeans and right onto his sensitive, hard erection.
She leaned forward to place her mouth close to his ear, "You're a man, a complicated one at that. And that," Vala looked down to where there groins met through the barriers of fabric, "Thank the stars that means you haven't forgotten everything about living life. And every time I feel you hard against me like this," Vala looked down seductively at his groin again, "I feel like you're coming back to life just a little more."
"When did you feel my . . . never mind; you're getting up now," Daniel said firmly through gritted teeth. But in spite of his anger and words, Daniel made no move to toss Vala off his lap.
Vala moved her lips close to Daniel's ear and whispered, "Daniel, I've gotten up several mornings when we slept in the same bed to give you some privacy because you've had your hand around me making sure that I was pressing into your, uh, life." Vala gave another suggestive downward gaze to Daniel's groin.
Daniel reddened, opened his mouth, closed it, and then finally said, "Vala, I'm a guy; it was morning; it's a natural bodily function it has nothing to do with you."
"Oh," Vala said, "Because I've also woken up several times in the middle of the night to find your hands under my clothes on my breasts. I haven't said anything to you; I didn't think you were ready; and I didn't want to embarrass you. Besides, I know exactly what I want Daniel, and I wanted your hands where they were."
Daniel's breath hitched in with shock.
Vala pulled back and looked intently at Daniel, "You've never been a game to me. I've let you see things; I've let you know things; I've let you get close; and I've let you shove me away repeatedly. And the whole time, I've wanted you Daniel; and the whole time you knew that. So who's the game player Daniel?"
He raised a skeptical eyebrow at her. "Oh, you weren't playing games on the Prometheus?"
"Not the kind of games you're talking about. The Prometheus, I should have transported you to the Al'kesh, you would never have gotten your ship back. And, I wouldn't have spent several uncomfortable months eluding the Lucian Alliance. But even then you were different. Your eyes were sad, knowing and mysterious. You made me think; you made me feel," Vala whispered.
Daniel looked down. He was trying not to let Vala's words affect him; trying not to see the truth of her words; and trying not to feel the things she was making him feel.
"It's not all one sided is it Daniel. Vala continued, "Do you remember finding me in that warehouse when I couldn't remember who you were? You told me it was time to come home. And what came to mind when you said it was mostly you, Daniel."
Vala leaned forward again pressing her lips to his ear. "Whether you like it or not, you're my home. You've been the only home I've wanted for a long time. I thought that was worth fighting for; worth protecting. Understand?"
Daniel's breath had sped up as he listened to Vala. She leaned back, looked him in the eyes and asked, "Daniel aren't you tired of denial? Aren't you tired of feeling dead? Don't you want to touch life again? Don't you want to touch me?" Finally, Vala kissed him sweetly on the lips. Her gentle movements sent shivers through Daniel's body as her movement registered on his erect lap.
Daniel's breath hitched in. He sat motionless resting his hands on Vala's thighs. He didn't feel angry at her any more. He wanted her. But then he remembered her words from earlier today; she'd said that if she left Earth she could forget him quickly. Daniel let out a pained growl of anger startling Vala as he stood and flung her from his lap and onto the bed.
Daniel yelled, "Enough! Vala, no more games!"
All of a sudden Vala felt exhausted. She was trying to hold on to her confidence, but she felt sick to her stomach. He really didn't want her; she'd made a major effort. He'd rejected her. Vala felt hopeless, pathetic and joyless.
Vala whispered inaudibly, "I've been waiting for you to trust me Daniel. But that's not ever going to happen is it?"
"Daniel, it's late; and, I'm done." She looked at him sadly for another minute. Then she grabbed the running clothes off the bed and went into the bathroom. When she came out, Daniel was gone.