Chapter 4: The Cult of the Brothers Weird
In a forest just North of Hyrule Castle at that exact moment, there was something stirring in the trees. A red, bulbous shape protruded from the treetops. Hanging below it was a tiny mustachioed man in green with a pointy head.
"Tingle Tingle, Kooloo-limpah!" cried out the man under the red balloon.
"I am Error!" came a shout back from somewhere below him. This man had an unshaven face of black hair, bulging muscles, and wore a purple tunic. Upon his face was the look of someone with the innocence of a child, as well as the mind of one. Following him was a thin, balding old man wearing a long orange robe and a short, pointed blue hat that was old and falling apart.
"Error! Tingle! Keep quiet, both of you!" said the old man. "I feel as if someone is watching!"
"I see no one, Doof!" said Tingle from his balloon. He pulled a sharp pen out of his pocket, which he usually used to make maps with, and with it, he popped his balloon and came falling through the treetops to land on Error's shoulders.
"Error!" said Error.
"Hee-hee! Stupid head! You can't say anything else, can you?"
"I am Error!" yelled Error, now starting to get angry.
"Gentlemen, please!" yelled Doof, "What if there are Stalfos or a whole flock of Guays? Maybe this forest is full of Kesee, or even Vires! I can't stand this forest! Southwards and southwards we push, I say!"
"Error!" agreed Error.
"Tingle Tingle!" sang Tingle, leaping around as the three moved forwards, stepping over fallen tree branches and climbing over rocks. Eventually, they reached a hill from which they looked down upon the Castle and City below them, which was painted orange and red by the last rays of the setting sun.
"Errorrrrrrrr!" cried out Error excitedly.
"Yes, indeed. An error," said Doof sadly, shaking his head. "As beautiful as this castle is, it is not the one were have been searching for. We were looking for the hidden Palace of Shadows, remember?"
"Yes! The shadowy, dark place! We passed it on the way here, yes?" said Tingle.
"What?" yelled Doof, "Tingle, you were supposed to tell us when you saw the palace!"
"It was too scary for Tingle! Hoo-hoo-hoo…"
Doof yelled in outrage.
"Tingle, we are supposed to be searching for the hidden Palace of Shadows! We are on a delicate mission to show that we are brave and powerful enough to take on even the legendary Palace of Shadows and come out alive-with the all-seeing eye of the Goddesses!"
"Yes, the eye that shows its user whatever he wishes! Even what your own dear mother is doing! Hoo-hoo-hoo!" laughed Tingle.
"Yes, yes indeed! Let us go now to the Palace of Shadows!" Cried out Doof.
"But it's sc-sc-scacarrrry!" cried Tingle.
"Erorrrrrr!" cried Error. He had covered his head and was bawling.
"Well, whaddya want me to do about it?" asked Doof.
"We should stay for the night here, says me!" said Tingle, "Then when the sun shines it's smiling face again, we go and look for the Palace! Everybody knows that shadows flee before the light of the sun! Hoo-hoo-hoo!"
"Error, error, I am Error!" agreed Error.
"Oh, fine, then!" yelled Doof, unhappy that his two companions had chickened out, "It's settled. We'll stay at this castle until daylight comes again. You two happy?"
"Happy like flowers tickling your nose!"
"Error!"
"Alright, then Tingle, blow yourself another Balloon and announce me! And remember your manners, bow to the King, bow to his royal family, and kiss the hand of the Princess! If they offer you food, remember your napkin and remember that the spoon goes in the left and the fork on the right…"
"Error," scoffed Error.
"Oh, yes, you're right, Error, I had it the other way around. It is the Spoon on the right and the fork in the left. And, if they serve pea soup, don't slurp!"
"No, never! Slurping would be rude and crude!"
"Exactly! I have taught you well, Tingle!"
"Tingle is happy to have Doof as his teacher!"
"Error!"
"Then go, man, go!" yelled Doof, "Announce me already! And don't forget to use my full name!"
Tingle inflated another large red balloon out of his backpack and jumped off the cliff, letting his balloon float him slowly down.
* * *
Link was almost at the door to go back up into the castle when he made the decision to look back to the sunset one last time. When he looked up, he suddenly noticed a round shape floating down from one of the cliffs behind the castle. The shape was familiar somehow to Link.
Is that…? No, It couldn't be! Termina is miles from here! Why would he…? But when he squinted his eyes, and used his tracking sense to enhance his vision, he could make out the familiar look of a tiny man dressed in what was like a mock version of his own tunic.
"Tingle?" mouthed Link. Widening his enhanced vision, he pulled it back. Tingle looked like he was struggling. From the way it looked, he had been trying to float down from the cliff towards the castle, but a wind that had swept down the slopes of Death Mountain had caught him. He was about to be blown away! Link almost smiled. Some old Tingle. Still, it was weird to see him near the castle, instead of over Termina putting his cartography skills to work, and living his lifelong obsession of fairies.
"Tingle!" yelled Link.
It took Tingle a second to realize where the voice was coming from. And when he looked, his eyes grew as wide as dinner plates.
"Mr. Fairyyyyyy!" he cried out, "Please save poor Tingllllllle!"
"I got it!" yelled Link. He reached into his magic shrinking pouch that contained all of his supplies, miniaturized magically to save space. He reached inside and pulled his bow and an arrow from inside, and they immediately grew back to normal size. He cocked the arrow into the bow, and zooming his vision again for better accuracy, took aim for the red Balloon.
"Nooo!" Yelled Tingle, "Not that…!"
It was too late, though, as Link released the arrow. It flew straight and true, and burst the balloon. Gravity then kicked in, sending Tingle plummeting to the ground. Link ran to catch Tingle. He landed in Link's arms so hard that he fell to the ground and Tingle tumbled into a bush.
"Tingle! What are you doing here?" asked Link, after catching his breath. Tingle struggled in the bush for a second, and then his head popped out of the leaves.
"Mr. Fairy must not do that again!" he yelled, "You popped Tingle's balloon in Termina, you pop Tingle's balloon here! Why do you always pop Tingle's balloon!"
"It's hard to resist, I guess," said Link, getting up and dusting himself off. He reached into the bushes and picked up Tingle so that his feet were dangling in the air.
"You're big now, Mr. Fairy!" exclaimed Tingle, "Last time Tingle saw Mr. Fairy, he was a wee little boy!"
"Yeah, well, here I am. Say, what're you doing here?"
"OH!" yelled Tingle. He then hopped out of Link's hands and onto the ground, and pulled an official-looking scroll out that had a medal on it. On closer inspection, however, showed the medal was just a shiny piece of foil, and that the paper was crudely made out of several layers of pressed toilet paper. Tingle unrolled the toilet-paper scroll and read in a deep, official sounding voice that was surprising for someone of only three feet of height.
"Announcing the Wizard that rules all other wizards! The king of Magic, mystery and sorcery! Duke of power beyond your wildest imagination! Presenting, in person, not just a rumor, or a disfigured gossip tale! The true, new and improved, Doofadoris Archibald Dookie-Dookie Doo!"
"Umm…what?" asked Link.
"Doofadoris Archibald Dookie-Dookie Doo!" he said, returning to his higher and less official-sounding voice, "The Great wizard! Tamer of Dragons and Unicorns and wielder of power unmatched by any…"
"I'm not quite sure I follow. You're announcing a guy I've never heard of." Said Link.
"What? Mr. fairy does not know the wise and all-powerful wizard, Doofadoris Archibald Dookie-Dookie Doo?" asked Tingle, starting to run out of breath from constantly saying the entire name.
"Sorry, it doesn't ring any bells," said Link apologetically.
"Not even a rumor?"
"No."
"A gossip's tale?"
"Nope."
"Even a slander?"
"Nuh-uh."
Tingle took a few seconds to comprehend this information. He put two and two together, and suddenly he burst.
"TINGLE HAS BEEN TRICKED!" he yelled, making the windows of the castle rattle, "TRCIKED! BAMBOOZLED! DUPED! STUNG! HYPNOTIZED! SCAMMED! uh…"
"Tricked?"
"YES! TRICKED! TRICKED AND CHEATED AND MADE TO LOOK LIKE A FOOL!"
"Quiet!" yelled Link, clapping a hand over Tingle's mouth, "Don't shout, there are tired people in the castle right now!" Said Link, storing the blue daisies he was holding as well as his bow in the magic shrinking pouch with his other hand. It was at that moment that Doof stumbled into the garden, followed by Error.
"Tingle!" yelled Doof, "where are the King and queen come to invite me to their humble abode? Where are the trumpeters? The red velvet carpets? And who is this?"
Doof pointed at Link as if he was a mangy dog.
"I'll tell you my name if you tell me yours, mister." Said Link
"Certainly! I am the great, wise and all-powerful wizard, Doofador…"
"YOU!" screeched Tingle, and without another word, he leaped up onto Doof's face and began pummeling him.
"Tingle! Don't…"
"Errorrrrrr!" yelled Error.
Link leapt over and pulled the still squirming Tingle from Doof's face. Using his other arm to hold Tingle, he helped Doof back up. Fortunately, he was unhurt.
"You okay?" asked Link.
"Fine! Fine! But I must inquire as to why my pupil attacked me, his teacher!"
"Doof tricked poor Tingle! He makes Tingle think he is the wise, brave and powerful one! But now Tingle knows! Doof is just a tiny old man with a bad hat!"
"I beg your pardon!" roared Doof, reaching up to adjust his hat, "My hat is my source of power, and it is only humble for it to be atop my head!"
"Error," scoffed Error.
"Oh, shut up, you," said Doof.
"What's his problem?" asked Link, "Is that all he can say?"
"I am Error!" said Error proudly, "Error, error, error!"
"Um, pleased to meet you, Error." Said Link.
"We found Error sleeping in someone's doghouse," explained Doof, "Apparently, even if he understands what we say, for some reason he never says anything else."
"Error is a good boy, though!" said Tingle, "He is big and strong and he can break boulders, too!"
"Now, onto business," said Doof, his voice professional, "Boy, will you please announce us to your King and Queen that the Cult of the Brothers Weird have arrived and wish to stay in their Humble abode for the night?"
"Just out of Morbid Curiosity, what exactly is the Cult of the Brothers Weird?" asked Link, almost fearing the answer.
"We, the Cult of the Brothers Weird, are the three of us! I am the President, commander, duke, all of the other important roles, and representative of the Cult! I am an all-powerful Wizard who practices ancient arts that no one has ever heard of or seen! Error is our Army, the brute force of our cult. He does all of the Grunt work, and he is also my assistant!"
"Error!" said Error happily.
"And, the man who is wriggling like a worm in your other arm is Tingle, Our herald, secondary representative, our eye in the sky, mapmaker, and my student in learning the ways of properness!"
"Stupid lying old bald-head," muttered Tingle.
"WHAT WAS THAAAAAAT?" Demanded Doof, his voice rising and his face turning a lovely shade of magenta.
"ERORRRRRRRR!" Yelled Error, trying to imitate his master. Tingle stuck his tongue out, and then gave Doof a very rude hand signal.
"WHY YOU LITTLE SCUMBAG! YOU VILE, TRAITOROUS LITTLE…"
"Guys! Guys! Calm Down!" Yelled Link, pushing back Doof to prevent him from strangling Tingle, "I'll go check inside to see if it's okay for you to stay here, just don't go killing each other, okay?"
Link put Tingle down Carefully, and after checking to make sure Doof wasn't going to attempt to kill Tingle again, began running back to the castle.
"And ask if they have Pea Soup!" called Tingle after him.
* * *
Pretty soon, Link found himself having to listen to a long-winded discussion from Doof to both King Daphnes and King Hagris about how poor communication must be if they had not heard of his deeds.
"Really, I've not heard of you!" said King Hagris as Doof put his face uncomfortably close to his.
"My powers say you are a liar!" spat Doof in the King's face. King Hagris wiped the flecks of spit from his eyes. Link grabbed Doof by the robe and pulled him away from the Calatian King.
"I'm telling you, I have never heard of you!" said King Hagris, "If I did I would have told you already!"
"I think you have! And I will prove it!" he declared, reaching into his robes and pulling out a foggy magnifying glass that had a red handle and a rusty metal frame.
"Behold!" he said triumphantly, "The Lens of Truth! With it I can see if you are truly lying, which you are!" he said, holding it to his right eye. Through the glass, his eye was magnified so many times that his eye looked like it was as big as the rest of his head. He once again came very close to King Hagris' face.
"Please sir, as powerful as a wizard you may claim to be, I would ask you not to harass my guests!" yelled King Daphnes.
"And anyway," added Link, "that can't possibly be the Lens of Truth! The Lens of Truth has a red lens, and has purple framing with red spikes coming out of the top. I would Know, I have it with me,"
"What?" said Doof, with a sudden strange curiosity.
"I found it myself, at the bottom of the well in Kakariko village, just east of here!" said Link, reaching into his pouch and withdrawing a tiny miniaturized Lens of Truth.
"Can't be!" yelled Doof; "It's not that small!"
However, it was at that exact moment that the Lens grew back to normal size in Link's hands. It was just as Link had described it: it had the red lens, the red spikes, the purple framing. The red lens was shimmering and it seemed to give the strange effect as if something was looking out from within the lens itself. Doof gasped.
"B-but…Th-that's impossible!" he stammered, "The man who gave me this lens said it was the Lens of Truth!"
"Then perhaps Doof was deceived?" asked Tingle, floating from a red Balloon only a few feet above Doof's head, "Just like poor Tingle?" he said, poking Doof in the head very hard. He still was mad at him. Link tapped his foot impatiently. He was hoping to get out of there as soon as possible so that he could visit Zelda.
"Er-ror-ror-ror-ror!" giggled Error, in a disturbing mix of both girlish and masculine laughter.
"Perhaps you are as all powerful as you say, yes?" asked Link.
"NO!" boomed Doof, "I am the most powerful wizard that Zildross has ever known! I will prove it to you! I will resurrect a monster that was killed by any one warrior of your land!"
"I'll take that up," said Link. He was itching to slice something in two all of the sudden.
"Fine then! Here goes!" yelled Doof, and he snapped his fingers twice. Then he twirled around in a circle, and then ran at Link and blew in his face. As Link fanned away the stench of sardines, Doof pulled a vial of blue powder from his robe, dumped the contents onto the floor, and then blew on the powder. He then proceeded to run as far away from the powder as possible, as if it were about to explode. Everyone held their breath as Link reached behind him and unsheathed the Master Sword.
"I would advise everyone to stand as far away as possible! My magical abilities are vast, and whatever beast emerges could be monstrous and deadly!" yelled Doof from behind a pillar. Error lumbered behind one as well. Both of the Kings retreated behind their chairs, but Tingle and Link stayed at their places. The powder began to sparkle and crackle like fireworks, sending sparks flying upwards. Everyone tensed.
"Is it just me, or is that powder just burning up?" asked Link calmly. "Really, nothing's happening to it." He then proceeded to walk right up to the powder on the floor and prodded it with the Master Sword.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you!" yelled Doof.
"If Doof was Mr. Fairy and Mr. Fairy was Doof, then Doof would not be a charlatan!" remarked Tingle.
"Pipe down!" yelled Doof, then he gasped and said, pointing to the flaming powder "Behold! Something is emerges!"
And to everyone's astonishment, something was actually poking out of the powder. A trickle of green ooze that had the viscosity of molasses was spurting from it. Swallowing up the powder, the ooze began to spread over the marble floor, and from it came the smell of salt water. The slime suddenly began to take shape, twisting and turning like bread dough being twisted by a baker. Two red eyes popped into view at the top of the puddle, as it rose up, becoming a giant globule of the sludge. When it finished forming, it just sat there for a few seconds and then proceeded to move away with the speed of a slug. Link suddenly burst out laughing.
"What is it?" asked King Hagris, peeking from behind his chair.
Link had to strain to speak through his fit of laughter, but he eventually managed to stop laughing long enough to say, "It's a ChuChu!"
"Oh, dear…" mumbled Doof, "Um…maybe I didn't use enough powder…"
"A Chu-Chu-Chu-Chu-Chu!" giggled Tingle, "A stinky little slime ball from Termina!"
Link, still laughing, went right over to the ChuChu and prodded it with his sword. It burst like a water balloon, sending water flying everywhere. Still laughing, he left the room. He was glad he had something funny to think of to distract him from his confinement.
"I am deeply regretful, sires!" said Doof to the Kings after coming out from behind the pillar, bowing apologetically, "I don't know what happened!"
"There is no need," said King Hagris, dusting himself off. King Daphnes was holding his head, clearly having a headache. He snapped his fingers, calling a servant forwards.
"Please escort these three gentlemen to a place where they can stay for the night, Issam," asked King Daphnes, "and find someone to mop up this hall, will you?"
Error and Tingle followed after Issam, while Doof attempted to scoop up the remaining powder.
"I am dreadfully sorry, sires! Normally it would be a grand sight indeed but for some reason, it appears the heavens are out of alignment! I will have to consult my great tome of magic on this matter!"
"Yes, yes, see to it, Doof's book of whatsits and whose-your-fathers…" muttered Tingle from somewhere down the hall.
"I HEARD THAT!" boomed Doof, and after he finally scooped up the last bit of powder, he bounded, tripped on his robe, got up, dusted himself off, and then ran after Tingle.
"Just what we need, three more troublemakers," muttered King Daphnes.
Akunem then entered the hall, his eyes following Doof.
"Ah, I see you have met dear old Doofadoris," he said to the Kings.
"Father Akunem, erm…you know him?" asked King Hagris.
"Hmm. An oddball who somehow got it into his head that he vast powers simply because he has that stupid hat atop his head. It belonged to a dear friend of mine. I'm sure he will be surprised to see that I am here…"
* * *
Upstairs, Link was brushing back a tear and chuckled a little to himself about the ChuChu that Doof had invoked. All-powerful wizard, his foot! Tingle was right, Doof was just a crackpot. He wondered what Zelda would think of this as he withdrew the blue daisies from his pouch. Besides a petal missing here or there, there were just fine. Besides, if they were a little messed up, Zelda might find it charming. As he came into the hallway to Zelda's room, he saw a soldier standing guard in front of the door. As Link approached, the guard turned and addressed Link.
"Master Link, Do you have clearance to be here?"
"What?" asked Link, wondering what he meant.
"The King ordered that there be a guard in front of her highness's room, in case there was any trouble."
"And as you can see, I'm not trouble. I wish to visit Zelda and wish her a safe recovery."
"You need clearance first. King's orders."
"What do I need to do, give you a hall pass or something? This isn't a prison, it's a castle. I need to see Zelda."
"And I need clearance. We both need something. You give me clearance, and I'll let you in, that way we're both happy."
"I…well…" he was getting frustrated now. First he was confined to the castle grounds, and now he needed clearance in order to go where he wanted and wished to go? Finally, he threw up his arms and said, "Alright, you win. Just let Zelda know I was here. And give her these as well," he said, handing the Flowers to the guard.
"I'll make sure she gets them," said the guard stolidly.
Link about-faced and marched back to his room. What a weird day it had been. Riots, crazy cults and restraining orders similar to what a just-released prisoner on parole would be given. He would be happy when the day was finally over and he could let the blissful, relaxing state of sleep wash over him.
* * *
Zelda awoke with a pounding headache. It took her a moment to remember who she was, where she was, and what had happened. The last thing she had remembered was falling over…but the rest was still fuzzy. She held her head, trying to make sense of the blurry details. But it was like trying to differentiate a single grain of table salt from a swirling mass of seawater. After that, the second thing that came to mind was Link. Where was he? Blinking away the sleep from her eyes, she looked around the room for anyone else beside herself. There was a servant washing her hands in a bowl of water upon her bedside table.
"Ah, good to see you're finally awake," said the servant. You slept all day yesterday, and only woke up this morning."
"Where…" Zelda began, straining to get the words out. For some reason, she was feeling very weak. She could hardly move her head to face the servant, let alone speak. "Where's…Link?"
"Oh, um…I have to go get your medicine," said the servant, suddenly stiffening, as if Zelda had just said something wrong. She went over to Zelda's study table and took a glass bottle of purple fluid and a goblet of water from it, bringing them over to Zelda. She sat down on the bed next to her, then removed the stopper from the bottle and let a single drop fall into the water. The water hissed and a foul smell began to rise from it. The water turned jet-black.
"You must drink this," said the servant, almost forcefully, "It's to heal the bad wound on your head."
"But I…" began Zelda. She was about to say she was just fine, but before she could say anything, the servant put the goblet of the black fluid to her lips and poured it into her mouth. Swallowing, Zelda suddenly felt a wave of cold move through her, and then…everything began to blur…she felt darkness filling her vision…she was falling asleep again. Why was the servant making her fall back asleep? As she attempted to cling on to consciousness, all she could ask herself was, why? Why? Why…