January 10, 2138
It's been four days now since the bridge. Things seem clearer now. How much of that time did I sleep through? It seems like everything was happening just an hour or two ago. I guess time flies when you're having fun.
I think we're at an old zoo now. I can remember some of the things I could see as Dad carried me here. A lot of bare trees and bushes. Some of the trees had apples in them. I could hear the sticks cracking and the leaves shuffling under everyone's footsteps. After a while the cracking noises stopped, even though the crunching of leaves kept going. After a bit of this I could see rusty fencing and an empty cage or two as he carried me by. They looked like they were meant for monkeys or climbing animals of some kind, but the trees were growing through the tops of the cages. I could see part of the lake we had tried to cross out in the distance. It seems so far away now. I wonder what side of the lake we're on.
When we arrived at an opening I could see Tad and Karl running to us. Karl took me from Dad and carried me down some stairs, and into this round room. Then he went into a smaller room to the rear of the one we were in, and put me down on a bed. This must have been where they took care of the sick animals. Animals. I wonder where my bear is.
Karl keeps coming into the room and checking on me. He keeps saying that I'm going to be fine. There's this absent look in his face when he talks to me, though. He's never lied to me before. Is he trying to now? He gave me some pain medication earlier and it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. It makes me sleepy sometimes, but I can't sleep right now. I haven't seen Mom yet. I can't go to sleep until I see everyone. I want to make sure I'm not dreaming things again. Like in the church. Karl keeps telling me that everyone is ok, but I just need to see them all. Besides him I've only seen Tad. I woke up and he was just standing there, about six feet from the bed staring at me. With this blank look in his face. I reached my hand out to him to show him that I was ok. He touched it and ran away suddenly. I didn't hear anyone calling to him. He could have stayed.
Sleepy. More later.
January 11, 2138
Another nightmare last night. It woke me up, but Mom was there in the room with me. She told me, "go back to sleep baby, it's ok". She started running her hand through my hair and I must have fallen asleep again. I think it's morning now. Mom is asleep in the chair next to the bed. She looks so peaceful. Not like in my dream. All that I could see was fire burning through a fenced in place, and I couldn't find her or Dad. I kept looking through the fence for them. Trying to see through the flames, but they were gone. Then I woke up.
Mom's waking up now.
January 11, 2138 (afternoon)
God, is everyone lying to me? Everyone keeps saying that I'm ok, but I know there's something more to it. They won't tell me anything more and they keep changing the subject. I played along with Mom and let her get away with it, but I know. I can feel it. She went on talking about her psychic powers and that they were telling her that I would be fine.
Before the war she says that people believed that she had premonitions that came true. She says that even the military wanted to test her, but I don't think they ever did. Then the war broke out and here we are, living like animals trapped in a zoo.
She asked me about the church. She says that Sarah and Tommy aren't acting like themselves because they're worried about me. I'm scared to tell her everything. Sometimes I wonder if she doesn't already know. Did Sarah tell her? She says that Sarah keeps asking about me, and Karl can't get Tommy to stop working with things. I guess he's trying to make a fortress out of the outdoors or something. Tommy. I need to talk to him. I can't ask Mom to get him. I don't want her to see through me. I can't help but think she already is.
January 12, 2138
Dad came in to see me for a few minutes this morning. Laser rifle in hand. Unshaven. Yep, that's Dad. Never stops being the guardian of us all. He keeps reassuring me that everything is fine and so am I. "We're all together sweetheart, and you're healing fine," he says to me. "The bridge is done, the church is done, and everyone is fine," he went on. Hearing him talk brought me back to the church. Trying to get Sarah and Tommy to leave. What if they find us here. I'll slow everyone down.
I told Dad that he had to leave me here if they find us, but he didn't hesitate to say "no". I'm never going to convince him to take the family and run. I know that, but I feel like I have to try. He says that we're hidden well. I'd like to see for myself, but I can't see outside. I asked Dad if he could get Tommy for me. He asked me jokingly, "you're not going to argue again, are you?" It made me laugh as I said "no, I just want to talk."
Then he sat there for a moment looking at me until I said, "what, Dad?" He started speaking again and said, "Amber, Tommy would have died there at that church for you and your sister. I can't come close to telling you how he looked at me with that gun pointed at me, eyes open wide as day and gritting his teeth like nothing would get past him. Like he wouldn't lose another loved one." I tried to interrupt him at that point, but he went on saying, "baby, I'm not stupid. I can see the look in his face. He's been out there working non-stop for days, avoiding coming in here like all of the truths of the world would come poring out if he did. Your mom sees it too. She watched him yesterday and tried to ask him if he was ok. He told her that there was a lot of work to do and acted like sweat was running down the side of his face. Sweat? It was twenty degrees outside. Look. I just want you to know that it's all right. It's all right to feel things. If we didn't have love, what would we be? Wouldn't we just be machines?"
I couldn't think of what to say to him as he turned away and said, "I'll go get him…if I can get him to slow down for a minute. I love you."
January 12, 2138 (continued)
Tommy came to my room. He just stood there in the door, looking at me. I looked at him and couldn't hold in a laugh as a tear started beading up in my eye. I tried to hold it in by closing my eyes, but it didn't work. It just pushed it down my face. God, I must look like hell. He walked up to me and held my hand. Looking down on me, and eeking out a grin. I tried to reach up to hug him and he lowered himself to me so I wouldn't have to pull myself up out of the bed. After having Dad go out and get him to come in here, I couldn't find any words to say to him now. He was here holding me, and I could hold him. That was enough. I guess that's what I wanted all along. He kissed my forehead and he managed to lay down along side of me. He stayed with me and kept holding me until we both fell asleep.
January 13, 2138
It's morning again. Tommy must have woke up and went outside. I could hear voices in my sleep, but they were real and coming from the other room. It was Mom, Dad, and Karl talking in the larger, round room. I couldn't make out what they were saying at first. Until I turned my other ear off of the pillow. They were talking about me. I could hear them.
Dad: "Karl, what is it. What do you think is wrong with her?"
Karl: "Look, Dave. I'm a technician. I'm not a doctor. I don't know everything that I need to."
Dad: "You're what we have. I trust you. I believe in you. All of us do. That's all that counts to us. Now, what is it?"
Mom: "Karl? What's wrong? She's all right, isn't she?"
Karl: "She's not dying that I can tell…."
Dad: "Then what's wrong?"
Karl: "I don't know if she's healing inside right. I can't treat her the right way in this damn zoo. This place is for treating animals, not people."
Mom: "Inside?"
Dad: "What does that mean?"
Karl: "The bag and the contents inside that she was carrying blocked part of the energy from the weapon, but she keeps needing more pain medication and she should be needing a little less by now. I can only guess that something's wrong that I can't see."
Dad: "Wrong how?"
Karl: "I don't want to have her go through life…."
Mom: "Karl?"
Karl: "I'm talking about conception, Karen. She was hit in the abdomen here. It could have damaged her more than I know. If that's the problem I don't know if I can fix it. And if it doesn't fix itself, she might not be able to conceive."
Mom: "No. It can't be. She's fine. She's just in pain. It took us too long to get to her and she lost a lot of blood. (Crying) She's just hurting….hurting…..
I could hear Tommy enter through the door and they stopped talking. He asked them what was wrong, but they're blowing it off. Just emotion catching up with Mom, they're saying. I guess we're all keeping secrets now. Why would I want to bring a baby into this world?