All of Saavik's remaining it raged under the building fury of Phase II. No attention could be spared for her surroundings, and Amanda and Rrelthiz's voices from the front seats blurred into guttural noises that had no meaning. The car's dark interior blended into the blackness whenever she squeezed shut her eyes in an effort to stay controlled. She felt neither the vibration of the car floor underneath her knees where she had fallen, nor the torn fabric of the seat where her nails tore into it, clinging as if it were the precipice hanging over insanity.
Light struck her painfully, and she blinked as she looked around. Agonizingly blessed cool air hit her skin as she exited the car at Rrelthiz's urgings, and then the coolness was replaced with warmth. More meaningless noises, more shapes of figures that she blocked out, not caring, until the sharp stinging smell of antiseptics caused her head to twist violently as if flinging the odor from her sensitive nose. Her mind swam out of the fog and put together that she had come from the car into the night air and then into the hospital.
Amanda was gone. First loss, then relief flooded her. She feared the violence building and never wanted it to hurt Amanda.
She concentrated and felt the rapid movement underneath her, plus the bite of cold metal in her hands. She lay on a gurney as they transported her to a different wing. Privacy awaited in that new room, solitude to fight the storm. No more people annoying her. No more jarring voices from them and the overhead pages. No more stinging odors burning her nostrils, no more lights stabbing from the ceiling.
She gripped the gurney harder, and forced more waiting on her ragged nerves. Not much longer. Must hold on.
The movement stopped, and she looked around bewildered. She spared a sliver of concentration to understand what was happening. Rhelthiz spoke with other people off in a corner. Saavik vaguely recognized one of the female nurses as well as Tu'ong. Her head fell to the side, eyes closing, and then parting again. The uninhabited desk bore a sign stating the wing where she would stay. The computer screen displayed a weaving figure of dark colors that finally coalesced into a winged shape: a predator with worlds in its talons, the tips tainted with emerald blood.
She opened her mouth to curse the Romulans for creating the circumstances of her birth and now her death. For laughing behind the Neutral Zone where they couldn't be reached, their mouths twisting cruelly with the sound while their eyes glowed with admiration for their cunning. As she drew in a lungful of air so her profanities would reach the Empire, the screen image snapped into its real shape. The monitored levels for the patients tracked on the screen, the lines forming colorful hills and patterns. Greens, blacks, and golds struck together making her fevered mind form the enemy's symbol.
Gold.
The gold triggered something else. Some memory scurried out of her grasp, but it was gold.
A small light pulsed on another board. Its circular brilliance morphed with the memory.
Some tiny portion of her mind ran forward from its corner where it hid like a child, waiting for the storm to pass by. She suddenly knew. Thoughts connected and that tiny awareness moved her body like a parasite controlling a host. She slipped quietly off the gurney, and, with the same lack of noise, got to the computer. She used manual controls, not voice, keeping the talking figures away from her. She needed to contact someone, someone who would make the same thought connections she would, someone who knew about the gold. She thought of one person, the one she always first thought of, even in the past few years when she wasn't supposed to, but that thought threatened to bring the fires back. She choked on a sob, and hurriedly went through other names, finally picking one, and sending the note off through quickly accessed communication relays.
Something betrayed her because the figures found her. The awareness hid again and her last bit of consciousness drained the control she had left. Phase II struck fully.
She struggled violently as they sought to take her away from the computer. She didn't care about the computer. She cared that they made her move when she didn't want to move -- that they forced their decisions on her. She was not going to take it!
She could tell by the texture of the skin and the gentle tips of talons that Rhelthiz held her one arm. On the other was the dry touch that only Vulcans had. The inner fire reacted in a surging wave to the rival strength, eager for a challenger to beat against, and the small voice that whispered this was a friend on one arm was drowned out. She screamed a dare at them all, fighting so more hands reached in. She clawed, bit, and kicked, swearing at each one of them. She fell into madness and vowed she'd take them with her.
Something hard hit her side and the air rushed out of her lungs. In the moment she needed to recover, strong fingers grabbed the junction of neck and shoulder in the correct spot and squeezed. One second, two seconds, longer until blackness edged her vision and strength sapped from her limbs. Nothingness didn't come fully, but she was a rag doll being moved again.
Flames licked inside, reawakening nerve endings when the figures left her in a room with quiet, soothing darkness. She fought to her feet, her cursings rising in volume as she kicked at the few furnishings. These looked more comfortable than the standard hospital furniture in her other room, but she didn't care about that either. No windows to the outside, only one light fixture in a place she couldn't see, and a firepot that even in madness she knew not to pick up.
She realized she was blessedly alone. No more prying, pulling figures. No more bright light or antiseptic smells or loud pages over hidden speakers. Only her and the quiet and the soft, dim light.
No mate to make the journey with her.
No challenger to fight against so she may answer her blood's heat in that way.
She lost her mind to fire. A tidal wave of her body's chemicals and a hormonal rush drowned her in a sea of stimulants. She lost to it with the fever long denied. Like a predator in her system, it sought an avenue of escape but found none. No mate, no challenger. It backlashed against her, building up into higher levels. If this was a real Time of Mating, the building heights would trigger her organs and systems shutting down until eventually death took her. But the creators of this disease didn't want her dead, not yet, not until Phase III. Phase II tortured her, like her Vulcan parent was tortured, sparing her only a Romulan entering the room to take advantage of her body and mind.
Her muscles began twitching with the rising, unreleased fever, and then cramped. Spasms gripped with painful claws along her back, her legs, and her neck up into her temples. The overflowing buildup ate at her mind and soul, releasing dark emotions. She screamed in a loud, suffering cry, and then screamed again, over and over in one continual sound. Something strained in her throat, and the scream stopped in sound, but her mouth still stretched to let it out as she crashed to her knees.
The mock pon farr began.
Hours later and hidden away, the dark figure hunched in front of a computer display. Saavik had sent a message to Earth. That message was encoded and remained a mystery, but the responses now bouncing back and forth between Vulcan and Earth were summarized in a report, decrypted for his source's eyes. Saavik apparently thought she knew how to discover the source of the disease -- or knew how to contact someone who did. That someone was never named, not in any of the messages, but the fact he, she, or they lived in the Romulan Empire was suggested in the responses.
Who?
And now someone was coming to Vulcan, someone who had the ability to get the disease's source.
If only his expertise included computers! Then he could break the encryption Saavik put around her message. If he could read that, he'd have his answers!
The walls seemed to draw closer like a gripping hand.
Panic. I am panicking over hearsay. I must think.
How much time was left? How close are they? How much do they know?
The disease was perfection. The figure's mouth curved at one corner. He may not know computers, but the disease... That creation worked exactly as planned and defied every attempt to cure it.
But was it enough anymore? Saavik and the other three were over a year from dying. And the ones in stasis! That point constant frustrated him.
And the risk... it took so long to get Saavik. So long to get near her, not being a member of Starfleet. She rarely came to Vulcan, especially after some incident between she and Spock. And when she did come, he lacked excuses to get in contact with her. That first time, following Spock's fal tor pan, had been interrupted. It took years to reach her again, and then only through his unknowing associate. Plus developing a time lapsed trigger so he was safe from anyone linking them together. The disease struck her some time after their meeting. And the meeting was covered up.
But attacking Jdehn and the other two so close to his location - wouldn't more attacks lead to detection?
It has to be done. At least prepare for the possibility, design ways to speed up the process. With Phase I now understood, the disease had made its point. No loss in attacking in other ways.
Under rapid fingers, files opened regarding the hybrids. With the security clearance provided by - Another problem. How much longer before he discovers how his assistance is being used? But having a link to a Vulcan on the medical team was too valuable, too necessary. And when his 'associate' figured it out…
The lips firmly compressed. Never mind that now. Keep on with the goal.
Immediately, the files suggested a possibility. I overlooked this detail. Yes, it fits very well. And another file, previously inaccessible, contained another good idea.
Now, how to implement them?
The disease took years to build, to make sure it worked correctly. Keep the same patience with these new attacks. Although… Saavik was quarantined for Phase II, and soon, so would Mekhai, Jdehn, and Arik. It made for the perfect time to strike. They were within reach with no guarantee they'd stay on Vulcan in the thirteen months before Phase III.
It still gave him time to formalize a plan.
Once more he glanced at the computer display. That someone arranging to come to Vulcan – someone Saavik believed could burrow into the Romulan Empire and find the truth about the disease… The pressure began closing in again.
Daylight streamed in through the windows while heat rippled the air around the hospital. Outside on the grounds, the sight of walking figures wavered with the high temperature and colors bleached under the midday sun. The sight was the best Saavik had seen in days.
Feeling heat from outside her skin was good too, so she stayed in the Starfleet exercise top that let her soak in the soothing warmth. She'd slept little during the past ordeal and she knew she'd feel drained. What she didn't expect was her continued restlessness. She was used to her abundant reserve of energy, but that vigor seemed overflowing at the present, jumping under her skin as if it hadn't been expelled as it should have been. Mixed with her fatigue, it made her muscles feel high-strung as if she had been injected with an overlarge dose of stimulant.
But she had only returned to her regular hospital room seventeen minutes ago. She planned to absorb the calming normalcy of standing in the sun for a minute more, and then use meditation to help her out of this feeling.
Someone signaled at the door, and Saavik told whoever it was to enter. As she expected, it was one of the medical staff, T'Paavana, but with a surprising message. "Saavik, Amanda is at the nurse's station along with another visitor. They are asking if you will admit them."
Amanda is here? It was true that Phase II was ended or T'Paavana would never consider allowing visitors. But the strain of the last few days made her emotional controls weaker. She had expected to be alone for the next day until she was released from the hospital.
"Who is the other visitor?"
"Amanda introduced her as Nyota Uhura."
Saavik's eyebrows shot up her forehead. Commander Uhura? Why was the woman here asking for her? Especially as she had no contact with the Enterprise officers since Cartwright cancelled her transfer. In fact, other than Kirk, McCoy, and Spock, did any of the others know she hadn't cancelled that transfer? Or sever the relationship with Spock?
Following that thought came one she hadn't had time to appreciate before: Spock hadn't sent that letter to her. Spock hadn't rejected her. How freeing that thought was…
"Did they specify what this regarded?"
"No, only that it was important." Naturally, or they would have waited for her release. "Sa'd has cleared you, as you know, with the stipulation you may still prefer privacy. If I may make a suggestion, one Amanda made herself? Allow her to speak with you alone. If you decide the situation warrants it and you are comfortable in doing so, you can admit the other woman."
Unsaid by both of them was, were her controls fully capable? Still, it was Amanda. With her experience, she would understand anything she saw.
And even without it, Saavik knew. She agreed to the suggestion and waited. The sun heated her back, and despite knowing Amanda would understand any emotional lapse, she took the moment to breathe deeply and center herself. She darted a quick glimpse to the mirror to see if her appearance betrayed any signs of someone less than properly controlled. Her hair was tousled since she had just run her fingers through it, and she wore light gray hospital pants below the black tank top, her feet almost bare except for thin, slip on footwear. She was certainly more... casual than she normally appeared, but that was it.
She had just settled her hair and wondered if she should change when Amanda came in the room. Saavik was visited by a sense of l'koihkeis, except, despite her mind telling her she lived through a similar moment to this, she couldn't remember it.
The older woman wore light blue, tending to wear blue more and more once her eyes started fading to gray. Those eyes searched intently over Saavik as Amanda almost hurriedly crossed the floor, stopping just short of violating the Vulcan's personal space. The pastel robes made her a soft bright spot in the sterilized colors of the room.
"I'm glad you can receive company," Amanda said.
"Of course. Why would I not be?" The return expression mocked her calm answer, but she refused to concede it.
A smooth, aged hand reached for her arm, hesitated, and withdrew. "You look well." Again that fidgeting motion that almost touched her and stopped. "You lost weight though and--" Amanda's gaze went from her waist to her face. "--you look tired."
"Not an unusual amount for either issue, and I am already on a nutritional regimen to regain the weight."
She received a weak nod and slight smile. The hand hovering a her waist went to her arm, not really taking hold, but unable to stay still. Something suddenly occurred to her. Her head leaned to the side, and her eyebrows drew together in confusion. "Amanda, are you looking for reasons to touch me?"
The weak smile gained some strength. "I guess I've been caught. I'm worried about you."
"Illogical. My life was not threatened by this phase."
"I know. However..." Amanda frowned and the feigned lightness in her eyes withered. When she spoke, it seemed she changed the subject. "You might say my experience with 'Phase II' is limited in some ways since I don't experience it myself."
Never would Saavik say that, and she reprimanded herself for not seeing Amanda's concerns earlier, or that they'd lead to worry about pon farr. As always, Amanda was open on the subject, which was quite acceptable, although... the uncontrolled thought crossed Saavik's mind, What if she knew about Spock... about Genesis?
"I'm never afraid of my experiences with Sarek -- am I making you uncomfortable?"
"No." As long as the subject stayed away from pon farr with Spock, she was fine.
"I didn't think so, but I thought I should ask." Amanda bit her lip and took a deep breath. "I can't imagine what it'd be like if Sarek didn't have me to be with him." She didn't give Saavik time to answer, as her frown grew more troubled. "They didn't really leave you alone, did they?"
The past days whirled in a haze of heat and pain, but some more… sane periods burrowed through. "No. A healer, a female, came in, teaching me the newer meditative practices. I benefitted from them to a degree. She said they would have been more helpful if I had started as soon as I showed symptoms."
"I'm surprised. I've heard the new meditations have a low success rate."
That set off another sense of l'koihkeis; someone recently said the same thing – that the low success rate meant Saavik never would use meditation if lives were risked by pon farr. The words dashed around her memory, but the voice and person who said them stayed out of reach.
And another memory -- Amanda had argued against going through Phase II alone, hadn't she?
"The healer agreed. If meditation is not started within the first day, it will not work. It also has less success with bonded pairs, perhaps because the mind calls the partner and will not accept less than a connection through the bonding. However, as I have no consort, the latter is not a problem for me."
Amanda's eyes appeared very blue as they bore into her, and Saavik questioned if they actually had faded. "Do you know if--?" Amanda's voice and mouth grew firm, letting no doubt creep into those words. "They will find a cure for the hybrids disease, I know they will, and you need to know for the future if..."
Somehow from these anxious words, Saavik put together the question -- a marvel really because her mind felt less clear than normal. "It is one of the tests they performed. The results will tell me if I am likely to enter pon farr as has happened to other females."
Forgetting that touch might bother Saavik's returning control, chilled hands clutched tight on her wrists in reaction. She made no move to remove them, despite the flow of hard emotions skittering under the surface.
The way the older woman looked at her, Saavik wondered if she was supposed to make some return gesture. Why wasn't she better at this? After hesitating, she moved her arms so the cool hands slid to a place where she could lightly lay her own hands on Amanda's wrists. The bright light in the other's eyes made her decide she had done the right thing.
"Amanda, worry has no benefit. We do not know the results of this test, and if it is positive, fear will not change it. If I find a way to survive this disease, I will find a way to survive pon farr."
A look came over Amanda's face, the one that always made Sarek and Spock wary. It meant she was ready to argue stubbornly about her method for pon farr survival, so Saavik changed the conversation. If even Sarek thought twice about confronting Amanda in these moments, she stood no chance. She dropped her hands, but Amanda didn't. "You did not come here merely to see if I was well."
"Nice try, but you won't distract me. Phase II isn't fatal, but pon farr is. You can't risk your life by trying the meditation approach."
"I believe I can do what I choose. The more important matter is--"
"The meditations don't work because they depend on using your biocontrols to overcome the Fires. And the Fires destroy your biocontrols!"
"I disagree. The meditations do work--"
"Rarely!"
Saavik pushed down a rising sense of exasperation – something along the level that Amanda was showing – and blamed it on the aftermath of Phase II. She went on as if uninterrupted. "—if started on the first day as the healer prescribed."
Amanda now withdrew her hands from Saavik's arms so she could use them to gesture emphatically. "There's a reason why it's called the Time of Mating, you stubborn--!" She got a hold of herself, barely. "Do I need to bring up that your controls aren't as strong as other Vulcans to begin with?"
Why couldn't Amanda feel some sort of hesitancy in discussing personal matters? "Now you are making me uncomfortable."
"I am not! Do not hide behind some repressed--"
Saavik's voice grew hard. "I will not have a mate forced on me because of pon farr."
"You would rather--"
"I will not be my Vulcan parent!"
Amanda stopped abruptly at this wall. "…Oh, Saavik…"
She reached out again, but Saavik couldn't take this conversation any more and changed the subject again. Taking a barely noticeable steadying breath, she asked formally, "T'Paavana said you brought a visitor?"
Amanda accepted the abrupt switch, but still rested a hand on Saavik's shoulder as she started to do before. She left it there, then stroked affectionately down the arm.
She took a steadying breath herself. "Something happened right after you entered quarantine, and this was the first chance we had to ask you about it. We thought it was too confidential to discuss over the comm lines, and Sa'd said you might receive visitors. I came with Commander Uhura because I thought one of the men might still bother you."
"Why did you not have Rhelthiz or Tu'ong discuss this with me?"
Amanda blinked, nonplussed, and then spoke in a whisper aimed at herself. "That's why Sarek gave me that look when I was making my case to come down here."
Saavik arched her eyebrows as she pointed out, "He no doubt saw the same fallacy in your argument. I am puzzled that he did not stop you."
Amanda smiled, much more herself now. "He is used to allowing me my humanity." That confused Saavik more and the other woman must have seen it. "He knew I needed to see you were all right for myself."
"Instead of accepting this fact from the hospital's highly skilled medical staff?" Saavik's voice lightened on the next words. "A most definite sign of humanity."
Amanda grinned and gave her arm a last squeeze before dropping her hands.
"However, I am still unsure as to what your other reason is for coming here. You referred to a situation?"
Amanda nodded and became brisk with business. "Saavik, do you remember contacting Commander Uhura a few days ago?"
She reacted skeptically. "I did so?"
"She says you did, about the hybrids disease and the Romulans being behind it."
"Amanda, I was quarantined."
"I know, but I've seen the message. You said in it that you had thought of a possible source for the data Spock and Jim are searching for."
Something simmered in her memory, but it seemed unconnected to this. Her voice became vague. "I am unaware that they are searching for any information."
But Amanda negated that, fortunately. "Yes, you are. The Phase II is blurring the days right before you came to the hospital. Focus."
But that time was so confused, a swirl of brief images and distorted sound, nothing to grab and make clear.
A slow, unconscious transformation took place. Amanda, reassured about Saavik's well being, gained confidence and control. While Saavik, with her fatigue, over stimulated energy, and inability to recall vital information, stared at the floor, tiny lines of strain creasing her forehead and around her eyes. They lifted and beseeched Amanda.
Now it was the older woman who soothed the younger. "Let's go back to early that day, before you strongly suffered from Phase II. You ran a simulator test that morning, remember? Jim, Leonard, and Spock ran the same test. They agree with your theory that it's the Phase I parallel."
Some of the haze cleared from Saavik's eyes. "It is not my theory, not fully. Lieutenant Warfield inspired it with a statement she made to Captain Hunter." She glanced up surreptitiously as that earlier deja vu became clearer. "You and I spoke later that day, after I ran the simulation?"
"Yes." Amanda grew more Vulcan, using the disciplines to control her emotions. It and phrasing things as only facts eased things for Saavik.
"We discussed a message from Captain Hunter." This time, when the haze cleared, it wasn't a relief. "Starfleet said I am a liability to those around me and placed me on inactive status." Amanda started to speak, but Saavik overrode her. "And then... Valeris..." Her eyes closed, and she stayed quiet until a thought made them fly open. She spoke with sudden sharpness. "And Spock. Everything is still well in that quarter?"
"Yes," Amanda reassured her. "He's fine. You saved him."
Saavik started to argue. Those words seemed too strong somehow, but Amanda wouldn't allow it. She forced the conversation on.
"Now, do you remember when you recorded the message for Commander Uhura? The timestamp on the message marks it as being soon after you came back to the hospital. Right before your quarantine."
The fog returned, blurring her concentration. Some vague words with Kirk after Valeris, but it was the tone more than a clear memory that told her it was an argument. She couldn't remember what was actually said. Then Rhelthiz and Amanda -- that was more lucid, the two cool, caring touches holding back the fever for too brief a time. Then nothing but a daze of uncertain memory. "What did I state in this message?"
"That Command Uhura was needed to find this information source. It's someone she knows, and contacting them requires her expertise in communications." Amanda suddenly looked doubtful. "You also said she's already heard about your homeworld so she's not a security risk. Is that true?"
Saavik interrupted. "It is not my homeworld. Vulcan is."
Amanda corrected herself. "Yes, of course. I know."
Of course she did. Whenever Saavik had struggled with the rigors of getting citizenship, Amanda was the one who renewed her strength by drawing close and whispering two words: of Vulcan. To be Saavik of Vulcan... on my own terms...
Amanda showed a mixture of aggravation and jest as she continued discussing Hellguard. "For a planet that's such a secret, an awful lot of people know about the whole thing."
"I did not tell Commander Uhura directly. Nor does she know all the details," Saavik said vaguely. She still struggled with remembering if she made this contact. "Telling Admiral Nogura about Thieurrull was once necessary for a mission. As the communications officer, it was her duty to ensure the transmission remained clear and secure. It was how she heard what I said. We never spoke about the incident, although we acknowledged it had happened."
"She said the same thing. She was surprised you mentioned it in your message. She's getting the same security clearance as Rhelthiz. She only knows Phase II as a part of this disease."
Saavik thought again how fortunate it was Amanda first came into the room alone.
"Your message didn't say much else. Does any of this help?"
Saavik's eyes darted back and forth as she stared into the confusion surrounding her memory, and came back with nothing.
"This source," Amanda suggested. "You mentioned both Hellguard and the Romulans indirectly in your message. Is it someone you know in the Empire?"
Saavik's response crossed disdain with stiffness. "I do not speak with anyone in the Empire."
"Only a suggestion," Amanda remarked.
Saavik asked herself sharply, "Why did I not include this source in my message?"
The build up of energy was creeping to the surface, but other than noting it, she couldn't stop to do anything else. Not when something as important as this had already waited days until she was available.
"You probably thought someone else might intercept the message, someone in Command possibly, and you needed to keep the details secret."
"Except my sense of secrecy has brought only confusion!"
She started pacing. Without being conscious of it, her right hand balled into a fist and banged on her thigh. The display was minor, if Saavik wasn't Vulcan.
Amanda came up to her, speaking gently. "Do you need to be alone? I can return later."
"No, don't go!" Saavik immediately answered. She inhaled deeply, and some of the excess energy escaped in the exhale. "I apologize. My outburst was illogical."
"Perhaps the message is misleading. Maybe you meant the source wasn't in the Empire after all."
"If I did not mean the Romulans, then who? Why the secrecy? Why could Starfleet not know who I meant?" Her fist pounded again, more rapidly this time.
"A hate group," Amanda said quietly. The suggestion, issued this way, inserted itself without breaking Saavik's far off concentration.
"A hate group," Saavik muttered in a stream of consciousness. "The reason for the secrecy? A link here perhaps? Or someone in Command as a part of it? Someone like Cartwright, someone like Valeris... I am supposed to talk to Valeris' tribunal, I promised her so. She would not sign otherwise."
"Focus," Amanda whispered.
Saavik stopped, closed her eyes, and breathed deeply again. This time, a wave of quiet settled across her, but her fist stayed against her leg. "To return to our purpose, I do not remember investigating the prejudicial groups, although I do remember reading Captain Kirk's latest status report." Without consciously realizing it, she started pacing again as she thought. "But I do not have any contact with human extremists anymore than I do with the Romulans."
"If that's so," Amanda remarked dryly, "you should get rid of that Romulan coin. You certainly look like you have contacts when you keep that around."
Saavik abruptly stopped again. A gold streak of color, a circular bright light... Now the haze cleared for good. She whirled around. "The coin... Yes, the coin. That is who I meant."
"I don't understand."
"The person who gave me the coin is the one I referred to in my message."
Amanda accused, "You said Spock gave it to you."
"He did. However, someone else originally gave it to him to pass on to me. Not a contact I made in the Empire per se, but one I made on the Enterprise." A rhythmic pulsing pain seeped into her perception, and she looked down to where her fist hit her thigh. She stared at her clenched hand as if it were a startling, alien thing apart from her. It explained the bruise on her leg that had appeared sometime during Phase II. She deliberately opened her fingers and put the flat palm at her side.
"And this someone else is Romulan?"
Saavik debated with herself if Amanda had an ulterior meaning in that question. "Correct. Commander Uhura was on the same mission where I encountered him. In fact, she most likely had more contact with him than I did." Since she avoided the Romulan other than warning him against harming anyone on Enterprise. And later releasing him so he may not die with everyone else.
"Should I bring her in?" Amanda asked. Are you up to it?
Her fatigue remained, as did a portion of the restlessness, but Saavik thought she could control it. And after all, "Yes, as it is more efficient if I speak directly with her. However, I will need a moment."
Amanda only nodded. "I'll take my time in coming back. If it does become too much for you…"
The rest was left unsaid. If Saavik's controls became in danger of going lax again, Amanda would get Uhura out of the room.
Saavik caught her reflection in the mirror. The commander was a superior officer, and this was no way to appear in front of one.
"Amanda, a moment," she called.
Amanda turned at her name, getting the point quickly as Saavik moved about for a change of clothes. The older woman sat down out of the way as the Vulcan stripped off what she was wearing.
"It may be illogical," Amanda said, making conversation, "but I'm glad I came. I wasn't able to concentrate on my work at all today, even though I had Matt in to discuss his thesis."
Saavik looked up from the fawn colored tunic and pants in her hands. "Matthew Fzitzer? I thought you were dismissing him. He can transfer to another teacher."
"No, you wanted me to dismiss him. I never agreed. Personally, I think you're jealous." A warm look took out the sting.
Saavik hadn't felt any bite from the remark. She drew the tunic over her head. "That statement is illogical."
"Is it? You never liked Matt since the day I took him in, but he needed the help."
"He does not seek you out for your expertise in linguistics. It is only his reported reason for taking the doctoral student position." Saavik's excess energy now helped as she was almost done changing, moving at a speed that would have gotten her to the bridge for a red alert ahead of everyone else.
"He's having trouble getting acclimated here."
Proper shoes exchanged for her slip-ons... "His problems with acclimation translates to the fact he desires a Vulcan who does not desire him in return. He believes you hold a secret that will reverse the situation."
Amanda sighed. "Not the first person to think so. But still--"
"You yourself called him 'clingy'." She drew a brush through her hair, and smoothed her clothes.
"I know, but his work shows true brilliance. I can't pass that by. And maybe I can help. Don't give me that look. It could be worse. I told Sarek I could be one of those aging human women who takes in stray cats."
Saavik turned at the last word, wondering if Amanda meant something about her name. But the simple smile told her nothing. "His reply?"
"He said he'd prefer the cats."
Saavik wondered again, and then put it aside. "To Matthew Fzitzer? I agree with Ambassador Sarek."
"I still think you're jealous. You don't need to be, you know. You're still the favorite of my strays."
Saavik straightened from the mirror. "You are being deliberately provoking, which I will not answer. I am ready for Commander Uhura."
Again Amanda merely nodded, but her eyes sparkled. She left, and Saavik took stock of her emotional controls. The energy still pulsed under her skin; even Amanda's gentle banter eased things only so far. Still, she'd never make a senior officer wait when she believed she was prepared to meet them. Not when something so vital was at stake.
Perhaps that was why when the other two women came in, all Saavik saw was the communication officer's Starfleet uniform. She felt she no longer had the right to wear hers, once she was made inactive. Her eyes drank in Uhura's as she remembered the weight and feel of her own, the touch of the shoulder braid in her fingers as she fastened it, the symbolism it always had for her. Achievement, place, and the thing that made her push forward when she should be alone in her hospital room: duty. Any hesitation not to let Uhura see the leftovers of Phase II disappeared next to that.
It became her focal point. Her back shifted subtly from its already straight posture to being at attention. She raised her gaze and stopped short at Uhura's expression. Guarded with barely concealed suspicion, the mahogany face reminded Saavik again that they discovered the truth about Valeris-- even the suspected truth -- after Kirk and McCoy came to Vulcan. Uhura, Mr. Scott, Commander Chekov... they still believed she had rejected them and Spock.
Amanda saw it too. "We also discussed, all of us – Jim, Nyota, and myself – about everything we've discovered about Cartwright and Valeris." She smiled pointedly. "Didn't we?"
Uhura turned to her and smiled back at the reminder. "So we did." Her expression lost its suspicion, and if it wasn't as friendly as it was in past years, Saavik decided it was the most she could expect.
"I'm very sorry to hear about this disease, Saavik." Uhura's stiffness softened even more. "And I'm sorry to hear about how many of your friends have already died."
Saavik kept to herself the fact that she and the other Vulcan/Romulan hybrids didn't think of themselves as friends.
"Whatever I can do to help," Uhura was saying, "you know I will."
More and more of the straggled thoughts Saavik had when she sent the message sharpened into clarity. "I do, Commander. Your service honors us, and this task is well suited to your talents."
Amanda motioned Uhura to take a seat. She was pulling one of the chairs over when she asked, "Amanda says we both know someone who can get us the information we need?"
Saavik remained standing and nodded. She said a name she thought she'd never say again. "Archernar."
"Archernar? Who… Wait a minute! Archernar?" Uhura repeated in disbelief. She had almost sat down, but now jumped back up to her feet. "Just what information do you expect me to get from him?"
"The records for the colony on Thieurrull as well as those for myself and the other hybrids." Saavik waited while she saw the communications officer translate Thieurrull into Hellguard. "If the Romulans created this disease as early as then, it will be in those records. If the disease was created more recently, the architects of it will still have accessed those records to design it. Archernar might be able to find who has those records now, and if they are responsible for the disease. In any case, the data will, perhaps, give biological history for the others and myself. The medical team may find that of great use."
"Saavik," Amanda interrupted and then stopped. She shook her head. "Do those records even exist anymore? The colony was abandoned. No one even admits that you and the other hybrids are alive. They must have removed everything to do with you."
But once Saavik's memory returned, her full argument came back with it. "Too much knowledge from Thieurrull was used in the manufacturing of this disease. Someone from the original colony or with access to its records used those events as a source. Archernar has access to such people and information, if it is true the Romulans created the disease."
Amanda asked, "Is this true? About this Archernar?"
Uhura robbed a spot between her eyes as if it throbbed. "It's true that he certainly has worked his fingers into every nook and cranny of the Empire. At least in the past, he had. But, Saavik, listen. He's more likely to do this if you're the one who's asking."
His voice so intense as he grabbed her shoulders... "Come with me!" He hurried on even though she froze at his touch. "The Universe is wide," he whispered, "and you were meant for better things."
"I hardly see how it makes a difference who makes the request."
Uhura made an impatient noise. "Oh, of course you do. You're the reason why he pleaded for the Enterprise's safety against the Romulans around Hellguard. And wasn't there a rumor he wanted you to go off with him?"
"Excuse me?" Amanda interrupted. She bore a striking resemblance to a sehlat who perks up at an interesting sound. She gave Saavik a keen look. "I'm sorry to drag down the conversation, but who is this person?"
Saavik refused to look at her. "Someone you do not need to know."
"You're wrong. He seems to be someone I need to know about, at least."
When Saavik said nothing, Uhura answered since she was the only one willing to do so. "On the mission to Saavik's former planet, Enterprise took aboard a supposedly failing ship. Archernar was the owner. He stayed on board as a cross between a guest and a prisoner, and he did buy us time from the Romulans pursuing us. And he would be much more receptive to Saavik making the request more than anyone else."
"Really?" Amanda said with another look in her direction. "How interesting. I never thought about the other side of the Neutral Zone when I asked you about interested--" Saavik's sharp look gave the rest of that statement an early death. "Never mind. What if what she says is true? What if he'll only listen to you?"
"He will listen to anyone who pays for his services. Furthermore, I am here in the hospital until tomorrow afternoon without the necessary equipment and this cannot wait. In addition to this being Commander Uhura's area of expertise."
It certainly was true that time was too important to waste. Uhura sighed. "All right. You do know he's going to make you pay a high price for this."
"I will pay or do whatever it takes to get that information," Saavik said.
Uhura grinned. The challenge on hand made her apparently forget her earlier distrust. "It's a good thing Archernar didn't hear that offer. But the real problem isn't the price. Do you have any idea on how to contact him?"
"No." Saavik scowled. "Perhaps I did not say so specifically, but I have no connection to him."
Uhura's grin grew bigger. "So, I only have to find some way to speak to someone who invented the Romulan word for extortion, ask him to find records on a colony that's taboo to talk about, so we can find out if they created a disease no one wants to take credit for, against a group of people the Romulans say aren't alive. Is that it?"
Saavik nodded. "Yes. You have summarized it quite correctly."
"I appreciate the vote of confidence. You certainly don't give small challenges, do you?"
"One cannot develop without accepting great challenges."
"Is that Surak?"
Saavik blinked. Had that really sounded like Surak? "No, but I am honored you thought so."
"Can this be done?" Amanda asked.
Uhura's humor immediately sobered. "I see two problems. The first, contacting him without the Empire or Starfleet Command discovering us. Second is what you mentioned -- do these records still exist? But, if they do, he is a good choice to find them."
Saavik agreed. "I will gather a list of what I can use for payment or trade. If you will wait one moment." She crossed to a small table next to her hospital bed, grabbing a padd to make that list. Surprisingly, Uhura forgot about the sensitivity of Vulcan hearing, or maybe her whispering didn't mean she was keeping her comment a secret?
In a low aside to Amanda, Uhura muttered, "If I mention she's willing trade, his reply might get obscene."
Saavik imagined Amanda's return smile, but when she spoke, the older woman was quite serious. "You do think this Romulan will be willing to help? If he is paid?"
"All comments aside," Uhura replied, "I think he will. For her."
Saavik ignored that. And the memory of how he promised I can show you worlds you never dreamed of. I can give you anything – a ship, a home... How his face drew close, how his hands were gentle, and how his smile was finally real.
But it didn't delude her about who he was.
"And, she's right, he'll do this for his fee if nothing else. But we are asking him to put his head in a noose by trying to find that information. Although, from what little I know about him, he'll probably enjoy the dare."
Saavik returned, deciding not to show she had heard what they said, and handed Uhura a padd. "That lists the items and the amounts I mentioned."
Amanda said, "If this Archernar needs any more for his fee, Vulcan itself will take the responsibility, I'm sure."
But Saavik shook her head. "I prefer to do this alone, or if necessary, I will speak with the other hybrids."
Amanda turned to her sharply, but said nothing.
Uhura tucked the padd away while Saavik gave a last thought to the items on the list. So much to part with... but necessary.
"I'll do everything I can, you know that. But this won't be easy."
"No, it will not. However, we must succeed, and this is our best avenue. If it fails, even with the stasis units we may not have enough time to pursue another direction."
Uhura stared at her, clearly remembering the truth. Despite her current good health, Saavik was on a clock, rapidly counting down how much longer she had to live. For the patients in the third phase, the countdown was almost finished.
"Then I'd better get started," Uhura said, hushed. She cleared her throat. "I'll let you know as soon as I have any news."
"I appreciate it, Commander. Obviously, if Archernar can retrieve the data, the sooner I receive it the better."
Uhura's eyes narrowed, and when she agreed, she sounded unsure. "Of course." She said nothing, as she seemed to think something over. Finally, she admitted, "I owe you an apology. Right after we found out Valeris was the traitor, I thought you might have sent that letter to Spock to set a place for her. I only thought it for a second, and I'm ashamed of it, but I did think it. I'm sorry."
"Commander?" Saavik paused. "I owe you an apology as well. My message was unclear. I never intended for you to come to Vulcan. This task was readily accomplished from Earth. My ambiguity has caused you an unnecessary trip."
Uhura didn't quite stifle an exclamation, and Saavik berated herself again for causing this situation. Too much time wasted! If only she had thought more clearly that night! Found a way to get her message across, even with the necessary precautions of who might be listening.
But Phase II--
Be damned Phase II. She had a duty!
"You know what?" Uhura suddenly said. "Don't worry about it. Coming here means I get to work with Captain Kirk again. In this case, Starfleet Command not knowing about an unnecessary trip won't hurt them. And in the end, we may find I did need to come here."
"I appreciate your generosity, Commander."
At last, that old smile she remembered came out. "It's not so much generosity as selfishness. I'd rather do this than what I was doing back on Earth. And I had better stop standing around here and actually get to work."
Saavik nodded, and they started to leave. Amanda looked over her shoulder as she started crossing through the door, and Saavik didn't know she formed a silhouette against the brightness outside.
"Excuse me," Amanda said to Uhura before switching to Vulcan. She walked across the line so she became another silhouette next to Saavik who felt the same lightly placed fingertips as before against her cheek. "I could stop by later, if that's all right."
"Your work--"
A gentle thumb was placed on her lips. "No such tired, old arguments, please. I only want an answer if I can come back tonight. After you've had some privacy?"
Saavik nodded slightly under those fingers, the tenderness a balm on the hard reality that she had nothing more to do to be part of the fight for her own life. And with her memory back, she remembered how this cool touch soothed as much as the warm voice when she was returning to the hospital. How thankful she had been that this gentleness hadn't seen her violence later.
Unlike Rhelthiz who, like Amanda, said it didn't matter.
Which brought something else to mind, something hitting her side, pushing all the air out of her lungs. She imagined how the Carreon must have relived that over and over, striking a patient, a friend--
"Amanda, will you pass on a message? Tell Rhelthiz that I now recall her hitting me quite deliberately with the full strength of her tail when they moved me into quarantine."
Amanda grinned. "She said you deserved it. You were being a problem patient. If it's any consolation, you put a nice Saavik shaped dent in it."
"We will discuss that when I next see her."
Amanda gave a Vulcan smile -- a special light in the eyes. "I'll tell her she should stop by."
A last touch and she left. Saavik watched the two walk out and let them go with the silent resolution, I will not be excluded from helping for long.