January 13, 2138 (Early evening)

It's been quiet since this morning. Except for Karl bringing me something to eat and Tommy coming in, I haven't seen much of anyone today. Which is good I suppose. I don't really want to talk. But I'm sick of being in this room too. I hope I can go outside pretty soon. Sitting here with nothing but time to keep thinking about things that you don't want to be thinking about is driving me crazy. I wonder if they're still talking about me.

Tommy's visit was nice, but weird. I finally figured out what he's been working on all of this time. He's been dismantling biomechs and saving their armor. Then he's been altering the pieces of armor so that we can wear them as protection. When he came into my room earlier he brought this large cloth bag in with him. I could hear the metal pieces clanking around against each other in the bag and he dumped it onto the chair next to the bed. He says, "Here you go, this is for you." I was like, "What?" And he just turns towards the door and says, "Don't be swimming in it. It's a bit heavy and will drag you under." Then he hurried off again. I'm not sure how well he thinks these will protect us because they don't stop lasers very well. Obviously, or we wouldn't have them right now. Maybe he thinks that they're better than having nothing at all. It better fit or I don't see the point in them.

I wanted to ask him if Sarah was around, but he wandered off too fast for me to ask. I haven't seen her and I wanted to make sure she's ok, but she doesn't come in here. I'll have to ask Karl or one of the others the next time they come in.

Tommy. I don't know what to do with him. The talking that I overheard this morning keeps making me think about the future. I don't even know what our future is. For all that I know we might not have one. The more I think of what the future might be the more I think about Tommy. What are we going to do? Grow older and get married? Why would he want to be with me? If he knew everything. Maybe I shouldn't keep this going. Someday it might not be fair to him. God, I don't know what to do.

January 13, 2138 (Late evening)

Karl brought me supper and started checking my vitals again. I couldn't think of what to say to him while he was trying to talk to me. All that I could think about was what he told Mom and Dad this morning, when he suddenly started asking me if I was ok. I told him that I was fine and he went on saying that I was being really quiet. Which spurred on a conversation that I thought might come from Mom or Dad. Not him.

Karl: "Are you hurting worse today?"

I said, "No, I'm fine." Then he looks at me and speaks again.

Karl: "Yeah……..You know, don't you?"

I couldn't really answer at first. It was like the words were stuck in my mouth and I couldn't speak. Then he spoke up again as if to try to help me say it.

Karl: "You heard me talking to your Mom and Dad this morning?"

I said, "Yes." I couldn't think of anything else to say and was too busy fighting back a tear to speak again. Then Karl started talking again. He seemed more serious than he was before because he would typically be joking or doing the plain faced bedside manner thing.

Karl: "Amber, can we talk? Just between you and me?"

I said, "Yes."

Karl: "We've always shot straight with each other, and I'll never shoot any other way with you. Ok?

I nodded in agreement as he went on.

Karl: "I won't lie to you about anything. Including what might or might not be wrong. I promise. But I won't lie to you about my abilities either. They only reach so far because I'm not a doctor. I wish that I was, but I'm not. I can only guess at a lot of things when it comes to injuries like yours. The outside, the trauma, I can handle. But I'm not fit, nor are we equipped to be doing any kind of an operation or scan revealing what might be happening with you inside. Scanning would tell us a lot, but even if we found out that anything is wrong we can't go operating on you without a way to move you quickly. And operations don't always fix everything anyway. Sometimes there's nothing that anyone can do but let things play out and see what happens."

I asked him what was making him worry. What was it that he was seeing that he was worried about.

Karl: "You still seem to be in more pain. Not all of it, but some of it should be subsiding by now unless I'm wrong. Which I might be. You dove off of a bridge when you went after your sister. Is your back hurting?"

"Not really," I said back to him.

Karl: "Amber, you're like a daughter to me. You know I would never want you to be hurt in any way. If there was anything wrong with any of you kids I would do anything to fix it for you. I wouldn't let myself know of it and do nothing if it were within my power to help you. And I don't know for sure if there's anything more that's wrong with you to be worried about. But there are risks with what you've been through. There are linings inside of you that are important if…"

"If I want to have kids?," I said.

Karl: "Yeah. Some things aren't like your appendix. You need them. Even if it's later on, when you're older. You're so young, Amber. This isn't something that either of us should be having to worry about right now. Especially you. And even if you knew, right now, what you wanted out of your life years on down the road I don't know if I can affect it for you. I don't know if I need to. And I don't know if it's too late to. Without equipment I don't know enough, and I'm not sure how we could ever get equipment to look inside of you in time. There's also a possibility that there isn't anything that needs to be done. That you could heal fine."

I asked him if I could die.

Karl: "No, I don't think so. I think that you're healing fine from what I can see. It's what I can't see that's the issue for me. Sometimes in life we have to make decisions today about things that will affect us tomorrow. Or later. Do you understand?"

"Yeah," I said back to Karl. "I've been trying that all day." He wiped the tears off of my face with his hand.

Karl: "It's hard, isn't it? It's not fair to you. I wish I could make it fair for you, but I don't think that I can. But regardless of all of it, I'll be there for you. I'll be with you. I'll do everything in my power for you. But I need you to talk to me, straight up. No hiding things. No lies. Just the truth. Nothing but the truth from me and nothing but the same from you. Ok?"

I nodded. I couldn't really say anything as he went on.

Karl: "If it hurts, I want to know. I want to know where and when it happens. Not hours or days later. I want to know every time too. I also need a few other things from you."

"What?," I asked.

Karl: "I know that I'm ranting a lot, but I need you to understand what I'm saying to you. I know that you're hurting and you're confused. I know that you don't know what you're supposed to do. But we'll all help you if you let us. Amber's important and special. Just as she is. And she has beauty, youth, and other qualities that some other people don't have the luxury of having. Even in this messed up world that we try to go on living in."

"What do you mean, Karl?," I asked him.

Karl: "Your life, Amber. You have your life. Ahead of you. To live. To be happy again. Or sad once in a while. To see your Mom and Dad again. To watch your sister grow up like you, and become as beautiful as you are. To have a chance to have children. At least you have some chance. There are others that don't have any chance of anything any longer. Others that will never feel the sun shine on them again. That can never feel happiness again. That can never have a daughter that will grow up to be as beautiful of a person as you. Are you hearing me? Do you understand? How important that is?"

Gina. Tommy and Tad's mother. I understand.

"Karl, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean…"

Karl: "You have nothing to be sorry about. But Sarah thinks that she does. She thinks that what happened on the bridge is her fault. That she caused you to be hurt like you are. She's not eating anything, and she's filled with guilt and worry about you. She really needs to hear from her sister that it wasn't her fault. She's not acting like herself and we need her to pull it together."

"She didn't hurt me," I said.

Karl: "But she feels like she has. It would be better for her to understand that she isn't to blame for what happened. Before she finds out anything else about you. We don't know enough to tell if anything worse is wrong or not. So why allow it to get any worse for her?"

"If you get her to come in here I'll talk to her," I said.

Karl: "It's hard, isn't it? Giving more and more of yourself to everyone else while you're the one that needs the most?"

"You would know that better than any of us, Karl. Thank you. And Karl? I'm sorry about Gina. I'm really sorry. You can talk to me too if…"

Karl: "You have enough to worry about. I'll get Sarah in here tomorrow. Get some sleep and I'll talk to you again in the morning."

"Karl?"

Karl: "Good night."