January 14, 2138
Well, Karl did as he said that he would do. He managed to get Sarah into my room. She looked like she was losing her best friend when she came in and I felt bad for her. She didn't do anything wrong to deserve to feel the way that she obviously was. She walked in carrying another cloth bag and I thought it might be some armor that Tommy had made for her out of the biodread troopers, but it didn't make any sound as she walked up to me. I had to get a little stern with her to get her to understand that she didn't hurt me. The machines had. And I finally looked her in the eyes and said, "If I had fallen off of that bridge and into the water, you would have went after me too, wouldn't you?" She said, "Yes." And I went on saying, "And you would be laying here too, just like me and would be wanting me to not feel wrong about what happened because I didn't cause it. Right?" After that an "I love you" and a hug and it was pretty much over.
At this point I asked her what was in the bag (still assuming that Tommy had gifted her with a metal suit like he did me), but she hesitated to tell me. She acted as though she really didn't want to hand it to me and I asked her what was wrong. She looked away for a second and I said, "Sarah, just tell me. It's all right." Still hesitating to hand me the bag she says, "It's your bear. I'm sorry, Amber. I can't fix it. I tried to, but I can't." Then she sat it next to me and held my hand. I acted like it was no big deal without ever looking in the bag. I didn't want to lose the progress we had already made and upset her again. I could tell that she was expecting me to cry or something as she kept looking at me. She told me that someday she would get me another one even as I was telling her that it was all right. I told her that I was feeling too old to keep Grizzle Bear anyway and was thinking about seeing if she wanted to adopt him from me. Then I went about changing the subject and got her talking about the guys.
Sarah tells me that Tommy has made armor suits out of the dread armor for five of us already, but that Sarah's armor and mine were a bit harder for him because he wanted to make them fit us. So he had to make some adjustments. So far he has one for me, Sarah, Tad, Tommy, and Dad. I wondered if dad would be willing to wear it, but Sarah says that he thinks it's brilliant thinking on Tommy's part. And apparently Dad is teaching Tommy and Tad some combat training. Sarah says that he wanted her to be involved too, but she's been in her funk lately and hasn't been able to concentrate well. She seems to think that Mom is bothered by Dad training the boys to fight like he is, but she doesn't know for sure why. Maybe it's because of all that they've been through. I wish we didn't have to fight too, but we can't just roll over and die. We can protect ourselves better if we have some skills at fighting rather than just running.
I asked her where the boys are. She says they're patrolling the perimeter of the zoo along the fencing together. Dad has armed both of the boys with laser rifles, and Sarah too. She says he wants all of us to have a weapon. At that point she handed me a laser pistol she had hidden behind her all of this time. She tells me that I have orders from Dad to kill anything that walks through the door of my room that doesn't breathe air. Then she said that she had to go out and check on things, and left me on my own again. She looked back at me as she was leaving.
I watched as she cleared the door, and I stared at the empty space for a minute. Then I took the bag with my bear in it and reached inside. His head was whole, but all of the rest of him was burned and destroyed. They had shot me through the bag I was carrying and hit it too. It hit me like a tree falling on me and I couldn't stop crying for a couple of minutes. But after a minute or two I was so mad that I could hardly stay in the bed. I hate them.
January 15, 2138
Mom came in to see me this morning. It feels different around her. When I look at her it's like there's a part of her that wants to cry, but it feels easier to talk to her now that she knows that I'm aware of everything. Besides her constantly reassuring me that Karl will take care of me and telling me that she wants me to do everything that he says, everything's easier to talk about with her. She's my Mom and I don't understand why it can be so hard to talk to her ever, but it is sometimes. It's not her, it's just that I don't know how she will feel about what I might be thinking or feeling at any given time. I want both Mom and Dad to be proud of me and to approve of what I might have going on. Maybe I'm just embarrassed. Or afraid that she will tell me what she wants me to think and won't be completely honest with me. I want to talk to her about Tommy, but I don't know how. So we talked about how I was feeling and about her and her magnificent powers instead.
Mom says that she doesn't know if they're even powers of any kind, and if they are they might just be some gift that God gave her. A way for him to talk to her. She says that she doesn't always understand what her premonitions mean. I asked her when they happen. Did she just get this feeling or start seeing things and know that she's having one. She tells me that they mainly seem to be intense dreams. Dreams of things that either sometimes seem vague and don't make a lot of sense, or sometimes dreams of events that end up taking place after she has them. She told me that she dismissed them at first because she thought they were just foolish dreams that she was having in her sleep as she worried about this or that. Then she had a strange dream about a kid taking a gun to a school and shooting a teacher and felt that she recognized where it was happening in her dream. She told the administration of the school and they felt that her story was hard to believe, but they tightened their security anyway. A week later they found a hand laser hidden in a locker and she became their heroine. Then there were many other incidents and it became public knowledge that she might not be the fluke that some people thought of her as. Then there was Grandpa and Gina. Gina was my Mom's best friend. They would go out clubbing together years ago. Knew everything about each other. She told me that she did everything she could think of to change what happened to Gina, but she couldn't get her to stop and listen to her that final day. Gina was afraid that Tad was in trouble as the dreads invaded our town, and went after him at the school. Mom tried to make her stay while she went to get Tad but she wouldn't do it. Gina believed in Mom's abilities, but I don't think she wanted to let Mom risk her life to get Tad instead of her. Poor Tad. What he must have seen back then. His Dad doesn't seem to be able to get through to him. He's so emotionless that it's hard to tell what he's feeling or thinking.
Mom says that she's regretted not finding a way to stop Gina ever since, even though she might have died going after Tad instead. She says that she could see what was going to happen beforehand when she had dreamed of Gina running from a building with Tad. She said that Gina kept running and looking back behind her in her dream. Then a gray figure appeared at the door they had run from and started shooting at them until Gina lost her grip on Tad's hand as she fell in the grass. Listening to Mom talk as if she was seeing it all over again made me want to ask her about my own dreams. I hadn't said anything before because there wasn't a chance to before. They seemed so unreal that I didn't think about it either. Until now.
I started trying to figure out how to say it to her when I could hear this thumping noise and the ground shook a little, and Karl came running in. He asked if we had heard the noise and Mom told him that we felt it through the floor. Then he said that it sounded like an explosion to the South of us. In the direction of the church that I'd been in before. Karl ran back out to the door and I heard him yelling to Sarah and Tad to come here. A few seconds later he told them to stay here in the room with me, and he and Mom ran outside. Sarah moved over to me at the side of the bed and Tad stood in the other room at the far door, looking outside. Both of them were wearing Tommy's makeshift armor and had their laser rifles. I couldn't help but see how worried they were, and how grown up they looked holding the rifles and wearing Tommy's armored suits. Sarah looking worried and yet standing before me like nothing would get her to move, and Tad standing in the far door looking so serious. As though he had been ready for some kind of a battle or war all of his life. Like he wasn't running from anything ever again.
At that moment I reached out to Sarah as she was staring out of the room at Tad. I wanted to try to get her to take Tad and run if they had to, but she grabbed the laser pistol that she had brought to me yesterday and shoved it into my hand saying, "Shut up and be ready" before I could ever say anything to her. Knowing that she wasn't going to hear anything that I would say, all that I could think of to do was to pray, like Mom had taught us to.
It felt like I was helpless and useless for several long minutes, until Mom returned to the room. She said that she needed Tad and Sarah outside, and then came into my room. She said that Dad thinks that they're looking for us because of the missing squad from the bridge. She went on saying that he was going to take Tommy and see if they could get close enough to find out more. Just hearing her made my heart jump into my throat.
God, please let them come back.