January 15, 2138 (Early evening)
Dad and Tommy were gone for a couple of hours. They just returned about 20 minutes ago. It's been like the longest two hours of my life. After the first thumping noise we heard a couple more, but then didn't hear much from then on. I wanted to get up and go after them so bad that I could hardly stay here. Staying here while they go off, going through God knows what with nobody there for them. I keep telling myself that they know what they're doing, but it scares the hell out of me.
I could tell that Sarah was being affected by the seemingly endless amount of waiting as she began to pace around the room, wanting to go to Dad and Tommy. To help them or be there in some way. Tad finally looked back as she paced and stepped away from the door long enough to come to her. He reached out to her, giving her arm a reassuring squeeze and he stood there looking at her for a moment. She reached to his hand and held it for a second and looked into his eyes, without speaking. Then he seemed to fade back into his emotionless gaze, let her arm go and walked back out of my room and returned to the door again. It almost took me out of the reality of what Tommy and Dad could be going through right then and brought me into thinking about what I had just seen.
I don't understand what's going on with Tad. It's like you know that something's wrong but you have no idea what it is so that you could help in some way. When he's around Sarah it's as though he can feel again. That the Tad all of us have known all of these years is right there. Then, out of nowhere, it's like he loses himself somehow. Like his soul removes itself from him, leaving him behind like some discarded shell. Sometimes it's as though he's a totally different person. Everyone wants so badly to help him, but none of us can tell how to. He only seems to react to Sarah, and it scares me sometimes. He seems happy when they are together and it's at that point that I feel like he would reach up into the sky and pull the moon down for her if he could. But when he seems to lose himself I'm not sure what's taking his place. Maybe it's just me because Sarah never acts worried about anything when he's around. She doesn't act any differently towards him, but does she see this emptiness that takes him over at times? Maybe if I could get him to talk more to me, or someone else it would help. I can't worry much about that right now though.
Tommy seemed to be copying the look Dad had when they returned. He says that a large unit of dread troopers with a dread youth were near the church. Or what they left of it. Dad thinks that they're looking for us, or looking for the squad that attacked us on the bridge. But he seems confused about why it took so long for them to begin searching for the group that Dad, Karl, and Tad were able to defeat on the bridge after Sarah, Tommy and I went off of it. Did they not miss the squad, or could it be something else? According to Dad they should have been after us within a day. If not sooner. That makes sense because it isn't like they don't have transportation available to them. It really doesn't make sense that they haven't looked sooner. I'm not complaining. We've needed time to stay stationary, but there's something more to this than what we know.
Dad also seems concerned about something else. I think they found evidence of us being in the church. Tommy says that the youth with the squad seemed to be testing something. He couldn't see it directly but he thinks they found traces of my blood inside, before they destroyed the church. He says that he wanted to try to take the group out, but there were too many of them. Dad counted eight machines accompanying the youth.
Then dad mentioned seeing the name Vargus on the uniform of the youth. At that point Tad looked at Dad and said, "What?" Rarely ever speaking to anyone except for Sarah any longer, you could have dropped a pin at that point and everyone would have heard it hit the floor. Everyone was shocked to hear Tad speak out in front of most of us, and so loudly and abrupt. Dad repeated the name and asked Tad why he was asking. Then Tad looked down. His emotionless gaze back again. Dad looked at him as if to say, "what is it?" Tad went on looking away as though he hadn't asked anything. So I spoke up and said, "Tad, does it mean anything to you?" But he replied, "No," and walked outside. Sarah seemed to pick up on the oddness of his actions and went after him. I could hear her calling his name outside, but it faded as though they were getting farther away than what any of us could hear. The whole incident was as if Tad had committed himself to wanting to talk, and then trapping himself into explaining off why he had reverted into his quiet self again. And he left as though he had nothing more to say. It left everyone feeling as though the interruption was unwarranted and bizarre. Even Tommy seemed thrown off by his brother's actions and he looked towards the door with a half confused and half annoyed look on his face.
Dad went on saying that he wasn't sure what we should do next. He and Tommy were successful at spying on them and were not discovered. And so the machines also hadn't gone on searching any longer. However, they could return or end up finding this place too if they continued. And what would they do if they found any trace of my blood in the church? Where could we go if they found us here or if we had to leave? Karl knew more about the area we were in because he lived here at one time. That was before the war though. He doesn't know what is still intact and still remains, or what has been changed or destroyed. Except for the presence of the machines, he only has his memory of how it was before to go by and anywhere that he thinks up could be infested with the dreads.
Dad indicated that he and Karl needed to go over some things and left the room. Tommy stayed behind with me. Still looking fairly serious about the whole conversation, he came over to me and sat on the bed next to me. He reached out and held my hand. I told him that his hand was cold as I grinned at him, but didn't let it go. He gave me a funny look and a half grin back. Then he said that he was just making sure that I didn't have a rock in my own hand. I couldn't hold in a laugh and said, "Yeah, you need one sometimes." His grin faded a little, but didn't go away completely. Then he looked at me and told me that he was glad that I was ok. He seemed to be looking for more words to say when I told him that he wouldn't be the next time I found a rock. "We'll see," he said back to me, grinning again like before. Then he said that it was getting kind of late, and I asked him if he wanted to stay with me for a while. He replied, "Yes, but I'm not sure where Tad and Sarah are and I think our parents have some talking that they need to do. Someone needs to be watching things. You know?"
He pushed my hair back and touched my face, and got up and started towards the door. I felt like he was going off to board a ship and that I would never see him again. I had to stop him for a second, and I said, "Tommy?"
He stopped in the door and turned to me, saying, "Yeah?"
"I love you." I couldn't stop myself from saying it to him any longer.
He stood in the door for another couple of seconds, looking at me and said, "I love you, too." He hesitated a second longer, and then went on out the door. The whole world seemed like it was set right as soon as he said that back to me. As though I hadn't dreamed it up in the church in my delirium. It feels so right to me. Every time I look at him I want to tell him how I feel about him. I wonder if he does too.
January 16, 2138
It's morning again. I slept well last night. I feel pretty good for once. I haven't taken any pain meds yet, but I'm not hurting like before. Well, I wasn't until I moved a little. I didn't have much time to think on that though. Sarah came to see me and she brought someone with her. Little Alan. He's walking with her help and he reached his little arm out towards me as they got closer to my bed. Sarah said that he wanted to see me, but he couldn't really tell her that. He hadn't started talking yet. He looked a little bit bigger than I remembered seeing him last time. He was all cleaned up as though someone had given him the work over before coming here.
Sarah carefully sat him next to me so that he wouldn't kick me by accident or hurt me in some way. He was so cute sitting there. He had some little brown hairs growing in and looked like my little man. I hadn't seen him since the bridge and wondered about him, although Karl had mentioned that he was fine. I'm sure they were just trying to keep him from hurting me and keeping him away until I could handle him better. I missed him a lot. At first he seemed like such a burden for us all. Now I feel kind of empty without him around. He sat still for the most part while I talked to Sarah.
I asked her what was up with Tad, but she said that she didn't really know. Apparently he blew the whole thing off after they left my room last night and didn't really tell her anything. He claimed that the name sounded familiar to him, but he didn't really hear Dad right. Then he tried to leave it at that. Sarah says that she asked him if he was sure and if anything weren't really wrong. She says that he told her that nothing was wrong and just to forget about the whole thing. She says that she told him, "Ok," but wasn't convinced by his words.
At that point my concern over Tad was back again. At the same time I was a little leery of talking about his odd behavior to Sarah. There's something between the two of them and I can see that Sarah really cares about him. I don't want to hurt her by bringing up how odd he is at times, but something is going on with him. I can tell and I can't imagine everyone else not seeing it too. As I was pondering this thought Sarah told me that she went to Karl when he was alone and asked him if the name meant anything to him at all. He didn't recognize it. I don't know. Maybe what he's saying is true. Sarah has never acted as though she felt like Tad has ever lied to her about anything before. Not beyond the random, surprise birthday party. I just wish he would talk to me. I feel bad about not really getting him, and for not trusting in what he says being the whole truth. Rather than go on with it I just replied, "Whatever," and left it alone.
Sarah looked like she was growing up so fast and was so mature, walking with Alan and all. I'm a little jealous. I probably could look better right now. Yet her straight auburn hair is so long and she looks so pretty. What happened to her? It seemed like yesterday that I was pushing her on a swing out in the back yard. She's so beautiful now. Is that why Tad favors her over talking to the rest of us? Does he…like her? Does she like him?
I got myself stuck in thought about the two of them when little Alan started squirming a bit. He kept looking up at me from my side, and then away again to what he was playing with when he suddenly looked at me and said, "Mama." He kept looking at me as Sarah said, "What did he say?" I couldn't speak as I kept looking at him staring at me, and Sarah looked at him and said to Alan, "What, Alan?" He glanced back at her for a second, and then pointed back at me and said "Mama" again. Sarah reacted to this by saying that he thought I was Mom and laughing about it all. But I still couldn't speak and started falling apart in front of her. She stopped laughing and asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself from crying any longer. She kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn't stop. After asking more times and seeing me not respond, she took Alan into her arms and ran out of the room. I could hear her calling to Karl and telling him that something was wrong with me. She must have thought that I was having a relapse or something, but I couldn't hold it in anymore. Why did he have to call me that?