January 17, 2138 (Morning)
Last night was really cool. It feels good to have some things out in the open with Sarah. I need someone to vent to. Maybe she does too. It just feels good to share some of what is going on with someone. I kind of wish yesterday evening could have lasted forever.
Sleeping wasn't so great. I had another messed up dream. It didn't seem to be about much. All it was about was Tad. People kept calling to him and he wouldn't listen or respond to them at all. It was as though he couldn't hear what they were saying. Or chose not to answer. Kind of like he is now. Off in his own world where nobody is welcome at any one given time to another. The dream seemed so real, but made no sense to me at all.
Speaking of dreams, I need to talk to Mom. Maybe I can get with her today. At least I can walk with a little help and go chase her down if I have to. Well, once dad is done with his training session for the morning and I can get my travel buddies to help me out. He plans on making me start some kind of training today also. Something to do with using a combat knife. I don't recall a time in my life ever thinking that Dad and I would be having a father daughter moment like that. Learning how to cut things apart with skill. Maybe we should add that to the family album.
Well, my ride is here. More later.
January 17, 2138 (Afternoon)
Tommy brought me a surprise earlier. Crutches. How thoughtful. If I didn't know better I would have thought that he and Sarah had better things to do than cart me around. At least he's practical. And hey, I can get around if they're not around. Speaking of not around I didn't see Tad this morning at all. He must have gone foraging for us or something.
Dad did about an hour with me about how to use a combat knife. Well, arm movements with it anyway. How to hold it and use it without exposing myself. I guess it's the next best thing to a prom.
I found Mom earlier after Tommy brought me the crutches. She didn't seem herself and we had the weirdest conversation. She asked me to sit down like she had to talk to me and I might not wait to hear her out or something. Like I can run off right now. I sat with her and she started talking about not holding on to hatred. I told her that I don't, but she went on like I hadn't said anything. Saying that I shouldn't let how I feel about things stop me from thinking clearly. I had no idea what she was getting at and told her so. Then she came over to me and reached out, holding on to my hand and went on talking about being one of the eldest of the group of us and that I need to be a leader. At that point I was totally clueless about what she was getting at and the whole conversation was too bizarre for me. So I came out and asked her what was wrong. I could see a tear fall from one of her eyes and I knew something was up. Only one thing made sense to me about the way she was acting. Maybe she had another dream.
So I asked her if she had another premonition again. She said that she wasn't sure, but she had a dream about me last night and she didn't understand it. It obviously bothered her, though. I asked her what it was about, but all that she could say was that she could see me in some kind of a cold, dark place that I couldn't seem to get out of. And she seemed to feel that I wasn't forced to go there, but I had put myself there on my own. The only thing that came to mind for me was the time I spent in the church, and I told her that she must have been dreaming about that. But it had already happened before now. Her premonitions didn't work like that before. Regardless of this, I tried convincing her that she must have been seeing that because I wouldn't put myself in a place like that without any reason. Then she said to me that maybe I will have reasons to that I don't know of. I couldn't imagine that and felt that Mom was too stressed to see things clearly. So I went about changing the subject by bringing up my own dreams to her.
I told her, "Mom, I'm having some dreams of my own and they seem very real to me." Her eyes widened at this and she asked me about what they were about. I told her that they didn't make sense to me and that they were of strange things that I couldn't make any sense of. The one of Tommy being torn away from me and the one where I couldn't find her or Dad through the fires. Then the dream about Tad last night. She thought that maybe it was because of everything that I've been through, but it seems like more to me. I told her that I could almost feel Tommy's hand as it slipped away from me. That I could feel the heat from the flames as I kept yelling for her and Dad. I couldn't hide my worried look apparently as I was brought back to the dreams and how real they seemed, and Mom hugged me tightly and told me not to worry. That we would all be fine.
January 17, 2138 (Evening)
The day was going all right for the most part. Until we looked in on Alan. Karl was with him and he was visibly upset. Alan's eyes were red like he had been crying a lot, and Karl was cleaning his cut hand again. Sarah asked Karl how his hand was coming along. He claims that it doesn't look right. It's swelling up and looks discolored. He says that we need antibiotics for Alan that we just don't have. Sarah asked Karl if Alan would be all right, but he didn't answer her. We knew what this meant without asking him to tell us. Alan could lose his hand or his life if Karl couldn't get this under control. I went over to Alan to calm him down, and gave him a big hug and tried to make funny faces at him to make him happy again. Karl asked Sarah to go get Dad.
After a minute passed by I had little Alan smiling and giggling again underneath his drying tears. Dad came in and Karl didn't hesitate to tell him like it is. We had to get Alan medications somehow and it had to be soon. Otherwise we were going to have to make other choices that nobody should ever have to make. Dad asked to be sure that there was nothing here within the zoo that we could use for Alan and Karl felt certain that there were no medications that could be used for him. At that point I spoke up and asked about the small hospital on the outskirts of the city, just South of it. Karl felt like it was a possible solution if it wasn't occupied by dreads, and felt that the other two hospitals would be too far into the city to be safe. We would have to get past the downtown area with the capitol building to even get toeither one of those two. Dad didn't like this news at all and said so, but Karl told him that we had to do something or else. He didn't go on with the options if we didn't do something, but it got through to Dad.
We had to find a way to cross the water or try to cross one of the two bridges again. We could make our way to the hospital part of the way by moving through the woods, but some of it would be making our way through fields and grassy areas. Once I sat and thought about the approach to the hospital from listening to Karl and Dad talking the only thought that seemed to remain was that it might be occupied by the dreads.
Dad said that he would go on his own, but this caused Karl to start disagreeing with Dad. He told Dad that he still needed to finish his work and that he was needed too much, but he came back with not wanting to risk any of us in trying to get the medications. Sarah spoke up at this point and said that she could go with Tommy and Tad and get what we needed, but Dad wasn't cool with that idea either. He told her that he wouldn't risk any of us kids on this, which just made Sarah more fired up than before. "We're not kids anymore, Dad. We're soldiers if we want to survive. We have to be," she said. He just replied, "No", as if what she was saying was inadequate. At that point I felt that I had to speak up and support Sarah, like the typical big sister should against her tyranical parents. I told him that Sarah was right, which caused him to look at me with an annoyed look instead of her.
I told him that we can't just let Alan carry this infection and see what happens. If we do we might as well put a laser to his head and finish him now. He looked at Karl and asked him if there was any other option, and he told him there wasn't unless we want the boy to lose his hand or die. And waiting wasn't an option that we could afford either. The longer that we waited the longer that it might spread, and his immune system wasn't developed enough to take chances with. Dad finally started to weaken. He didn't want to explore any of the possibilities that could happen if we didn't get the medication for Alan.
Then I had to make things worse by saying that I would go along too. This flew like a lead balloon for Dad as he pointed to my crutches and looked at me like I grew another head out of my neck. Karl didn't fall in with Dad and react to this like I thought he would. I expected him to say that there wasn't any way that I could do it, but instead he just stood there looking at us argue. Dad spoke up and made a bet with me that he thought I couldn't win. Once I heard it I didn't think I could either. He said that if I could walk to the door of the room we were in without using the crutches he would allow me to go along. Sarah started to speak up against this, but Dad told her to stay out of it firmly. Sarah started to speak up again and I pushed my hand towards her to get her to stop. How was I going to do this?
Tired of waiting for me to make more faces at him again, Alan started calling me Mama again. I looked at him and I felt like nothing could stop me from getting to the door. I let go of the crutches and started to step to the door. My legs were shaking and it was much harder to stand without them than I thought it would be. I started to reach for the table, but I wouldn't let myself grab it to get to the door. Dad was right. I had to make it on my own or I wasn't good enough to be going with them. Sarah started cheering me on, and I saw Tommy show up in the doorway. He looked concerned, but he started cheering for me too. "You can do this Amber," he said as I got closer to him with each step. I could hear Sarah saying from behind me, "Come on Amber." After eight of the longest steps of my life I was finally at the door, and Tommy reached out a hand to support me with. I hesitated to take it for a moment when Dad spoke up and said, "Fine. But you need to think this through. Walking to that door isn't going to be like making our way to that hospital." I told him that I would be ready. I still don't think he believed me. I had to do this. Somehow.
Dad left the room and went passed Tommy, who kept his hand out and I finally grabbed it. Karl agreed with Dad about me going, but said that he was proud of what I had done. He told me that I needed to get a lot of rest and asked me if it hurt. I told him that it didn't, but I didn't want to volunteer to him how shaky I felt.