January 18, 2138 (Morning)
"What the hell are you thinking?," Mom yelled at Dad from outside of the building I was occupying. She must have heard the news about me going with Dad to try to get the medication for little Alan, and wasn't happy. I didn't want to cause them to argue with each other, but this is something that I feel I have to do. Alan has nobody but us. If we won't be there for him, who will?
"I made Amber a deal and I'm keeping my part of it, like it or not," he replied back. Not moved by this Mom went on, saying, "David, she's hurt. She's not ready for what you're planning to do. It hurts her just to be standing up in one place. How is she going to walk all of the distance you're going?"
"She's strong and she'll be safer with us as an armed group than staying here. You have enough to look after watching Alan and someone has to guard this place. If she stays here I'll have to leave another one of the kids here too, just to secure this place for you all. I don't want her to go, but if this place gets attacked while we're gone you and Karl can't defend it and have two others to care for while you're doing it. So I'm splitting the two for us all," Dad came back at her with.
Annoyed, she started again saying, "And what if you all get attacked, huh? How can she help in her condition? How can she defend herself or even run away? She hasn't healed yet."
"You're underestimating her. And me. I don't want anything to happen to her and the best way to make sure nothing does is if she's with me," Dad replied again.
"Why don't you take the boys and leave Sarah and her here with us?," she asked him in a calmer voice.
"Karen, I can't keep using and risking them on things that I'm not willing to risk our daughters for too. The girls aren't the only ones getting hurt and affected by what's going on. Did you just see us carrying Amber back all bloody and broken looking, or did you see Tommy sitting against the wall with his face buried in his blood covered hands after we got Amber to her room? And do I even need to talk about Tad to you? This war isn't fair to any of us. And I'm not going to start making it less fair for them as I go on trying to hide the girls in an ivory tower with Tad and Tommy guarding it," he said in his unchanging voice. Mom had no reply to this and I had made my way to the door at this point to see if I could stop them from arguing more. She stood there with tears running down her face, speechless. Dad walked over to her and hugged her, saying, "I'll take care of her. And Sarah. And the boys. Stop worrying." Then he walked her back inside of the building that she was staying in.
I've got to do this. I have to prove that I'm all right because we're falling apart here.
January 18, 2138 (Afternoon)
Tommy came to my room and found me standing on my own. Without his crutches. He asked me if I was all right. I told him I was, but he can tell that I'm struggling a little. He told me that I should put on the armor if I could. If not, I should at least put on the piece that surrounds my waste and abdomen. To which I agreed with him and he helped me put it on. He covered the front of me with it and attached it from behind me. It was kind of funny. How gentle he was trying to be with me like I might break apart if he didn't. It felt good, but I had to give him a little bit of crap over it because he was in such a somber mood. I told him not to worryand that I wouldn't shatter like glass or anything, but he still didn't react at all. He finished attaching it to me, the put his hand on my shoulder and kissed the side of my head.
I turned to him and looked at him as he gazed back at me. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me that he thought I should stay here. Totally confused by this since he seemed to support the idea last night, I looked at him all befuddled and asked him why he was saying this now. He said, "Because I can't stand this. I can't see you like you were in the church again." I didn't know what to say as I was touched deep inside by his words, and yet I had to go along with them and convince him that everything was fine. All that I could think of to say was, "You won't." I looked right into his eyes when I said it hoping that he would believe me, but I don't think it was flying with him. It seemed like he was trying hard to find a respectful way of telling me that I might not be able to protect myself without saying that I was weak, and I reached out and took his hand and said, "I have all the protection that I need in all of you. I won't expose myself to anything and I'll stay to the rear if I have to. But I have to do this. For Alan. Please believe in me, like I believe in you."
He didn't say anything back and he truned to walk away, but I wasn't finished with him yet. I said, "Hey. I think you forgot something." He turned and looked at me with a slightly confused look on his face, and I went on saying, "The leg armor. I can't put it on by myself. I can't bend forward that far. Tommy looked at me with a grin creeping up on one side of his mouth and said, "Shouldn't Sarah be helping you with that. You're dad might not…," and I stopped him saying, "Dad and Sarah aren't here. You are." I couldn't hold in my smile any longer and neither could he. "All right then," he said and headed my way. He picked up the piece for my upper left leg and stopped in front of me, looking like I might stop him after all. I looked at him again and said, "What are you waiting for? Tonight will be here by the time you get it done at this rate." As he leaned down to put it around my leg I reached out to him and pulled his head towards me. He hesitated for a second, surprised by me I suppose. Then I kissed him the way I've wanted to for a long time now. After a few seconds of this that seemed to last forever, he told me we better get serious or we would never get the piece on. I said, "All right sarge, have it your way." I guess we both felt like saying another "I love you" wasn't necessary, but now I wish I had said it again. I don't know why. Maybe because he might not know it, but he does. I wonder if he feels the same about not saying it again to me like I do him. I'll have to say it to him again tonight.
January 18, 2138 (Early evening)
We're ready. Apparently it's Dad's plan to cross the same bridge again. He feels that I can't swim across the lake and seems to think it's deep. I agree with him, and Karl says that I can't let my old wounds get wet with salt water. Where's a hovercraft when we need one? Hearing about the bridge again has everyone in a sober mood.
Everyone is being really quiet. Although Sarah and Tommy keep asking me if I'm all right. Karl gave me some pain medication and his fatherly speech about not getting crazy out there. "Hang back a bit and don't get all froggy," he said to me. I told him that I will, and he hugged me and told me to get back here quick. I told him that I will again, and he said, "Make sure you do."
Rather than burden me with more weight than necessary Dad is having me carry a laser pistol rather than a rifle. That way I can use my hands for other things. Like supporting myself. Sarah and the guys are armed with laser rifles and combat knives. It's really hitting me now how scared I am for all of us. I can't let myself be a burden to the rest of them. I want them to be able to rely on me like I can on them. If anything happened to any of them because I messed up or was too weak to keep up I couldn't handle that. I've just got to focus on what we're after. Get it and get back here fast.
Mom wanted to see all of us once more before we left. We got the old, "Do what you father tells you" speech from her. Then a tearful "I love you" and a hug that I thought would squeeze me out of my armor. We all told Mom that we loved her too. Even Tommy. Then there was that awkward moment with Mom and Tad as she tried to tell him how much she cares about him like the rest of us. He said that he knows that. Then he said, "Don't worry," and left it at that. I couldn't really tell if he was just trying to be strong for Mom's sake or if he was back into his emptiness again. He seemed to be trying to be honest with Mom. Sarah and I have to talk about him when we get back.
Karl told the guys that he loved them also, and gave both of us girls a hug and said the same to us. I could see the worry in his eyes. I told him as he hugged me that we would bring it back for Alan. More to reassure him that we would all be all right than to be telling him the obvious. I didn't want him to feel like he was watching us leave just so that one or all of us might not come back. Like he must have felt about his wife not coming back. He's been there for me so many times. I wish I could wash all of his pain away. I hate that seeing us leave to do this is hurting him too, even though he hides it well.
Dad gave us the game plan. I'm to stay with him or Tommy all of the time, behind whichever one I'm with. Sarah and Tad will stay to the rear during the trip there. They will also be the rear guard for us as we enter the back of the building. We have to find the pharmacy and hope that it hasn't been emptied by now. Or destroyed. Dad has an alternate plan, but wants to avoid using it if he can. If not he plans to take Tommy or Tad and go it alone. I think his idea is to move closer to the city and see if there's a drug store left standing on the outskirts, but he's saying that I have to return to the zoo with Sarah and one of the guys if he has to move on that far. I hope it doesn't come to that.
Well, it's time. Hopefully I'll be writing in this again tonight or tomorrow. If nothing goes wrong.