One of the things I had always really loved about winter was the smell in the air. The crisp, bitterly cold aroma that told you without a doubt snow was on the way. I loved the way it stung a little, the coldness of it. The way it seemed so clean and new.

Growing up on the west coast, I never saw snow when I was younger. In fact I experienced snow for the very first time in the campus quad, with Casey. It was like a miracle for me. The white flakes floating softly to the ground, clinging to her eyelashes. For the first time, I thought I was witnessing something almost as beautiful as she was. And the combination of the two was beyond words. Her blond hair, streaked with white specks, her cheeks and nose rosy from the cold.

I remembered wrapping her up in my overly large coat and just standing there, beside the fountain, watching with wonder as flake after flake fell to the ground. It was one of those magical moments you never forget, no matter how many years pass, just thinking about it brings it all back to you with stunning clarity. Everything I was seeing, hearing, even feeling was right there as I closed my eyes like I was experiencing it again for the first time.

Snow still amazed me. Covering everything in that blanket of whiteness, the sun glaring off it, making you squint with its brightness. I loved snow. I would never get enough of snow.

Rusty and I decided it would be cheapest for us to drive the ten hours to Chicago instead of fly. So with the three hundred dollars in guilt money my parents had sent, we set off.

Driving in snow, it turns out, is not as complicated as it looked at first. The roads were mostly clear except for an occasional patch here and there. Most of the other drivers were courteous and careful.

Must be the Christmas spirit, I thought off handedly.

Rusty was babbling again. I was trying desperately to tune him out and concentrate on the road. He was once again going over the list of people that I would inevitably meet over the next couple of days. He started out with Glen and Marge Cartwright, his parents. Glen and Marge sounded an awful lot like Ward and June Clever to me and I hoped against everything the universe was throwing at me lately that I wouldn't say or do something stupid to cause them not to like me. Glen was a freelance magazine writer. Marge was a high school home economics teacher. I was trying to remember everything as Rusty talked as fast as he was capable of talking. I think a few things were getting lost in the process.

But here's what I did remember : Marge liked to cook, it was her number one thing. She liked to bake to be more precise and she spent most of the holiday season in the kitchen, blissfully baking and singing Christmas songs to herself. Glen liked golf, reading and he smoked a pipe, which Marge hated. They had been married to twenty six unbelievably happy years and Casey and Rusty were the results of their wonderful union. In other words, Casey wasn't hiding any other siblings.

The Cartwright's owned a four bedroom, two story house in the suburbs that Glen built with money he received from a hefty inheritance twenty years before.

Apparently, I wasn't just walking into a traditional Christmas, I was stepping into a Norman Rockwell painting. My nerves were making me feel like I wanted to pull over and heave my guts up. There was no way I wasn't going to screw this up.

" Relax, " Rusty said, seeing the tension in my face. " You'll be fine. They're really excited to meet you. "

" What have you told them, Rusty ? " I asked, casting my eyes to him for a second.

" I told them you were my friend and that you didn't have anywhere else to go. " he explained.

" So that's all they know about me ? " I was a little wounded actually. " They'd never heard of me before you mentioned me ? "

Rusty looked lost for a moment but understanding quickly caught up. " Mom said your name sounded familiar, but that's all. I never heard about you before I came to school. Casey really doesn't talk to us about her life much. She likes to keep private. "

I shrugged. " I just thought she might have mentioned me to her folks. "

" She did. Mom said you sounded familiar, right ? " he told me with an annoying reassuring quality in his voice, and his hand on my shoulder.

I jab at him with my elbow and he ducked playfully. " Yeah, thanks, Spitter."

And he was off again, this time it was the Santa suiting wearing, cursing, drinking Uncle Joe that had his attention. His Father's brother, Joe and Glen didn't get along well. That's the impression I got anyway and the only reason they came together on the holidays was Grandma Cartwright, who was eight-two and still as spry and rowdy as she was in her thirties.

I just grunted occasionally and nodded when it seemed appropriate. It was going to be a very long ride indeed.

We just passed the sign that read Welcome to Illinois, when Rusty finally fell asleep. The ensuing silence was a welcome relief and I sank back against the rough leather of the broken down seat in my piece of crap jeep. Don't get me wrong. I loved my piece of crap jeep. It was paid for and it was mine and it ran. It ran really well. Never let me down unless I wanted it to, at those times it gave a stellar performance as well. I glanced in the rear view and let my eyes wonder over the now luggage packed backseat.

I had enjoyed many, many good times in the back of my jeep. One particular incident came to mind of a night, a lot like the one before me. It was cold and snowing and everything seemed so magical. I have no idea what possessed us or even whose idea it was, but we went for a drive. Just Casey and I and my jeep. She always said she loved the jeep, too. For the first year of school, it was really the only place we could go to be alone, completely alone. The first time we seriously made out was in the backseat, on that cold night where my memories had taken me.

We were huddled together under my coat once again, as a matter of fact, I believe it was the same night of that first snow. She had found some sappy love song station on the radio and it was droning on senseless in the background. Her cold hands were nestled under my shirt, nearly in my armpits really. All I was thinking was please let my deodorant be working. Well, that wasn't all I was thinking, especially since she was practically sitting in my lap, her legs draped over mine in the cramped, tight space. I don't remember what we talked about. It was a combination of a lot of things, I think. But I very much remember it was the first time we said I love you. She said it first, of course. I was so shocked I almost couldn't answer her. I mean I felt it. We had been dating for over a month, of course I felt it and I was pretty sure she did, too. But hearing it out loud was mind blowing. My heart leaped into my throat and as I sat there looking down at her, I couldn't help but kiss her. She was more than willing to kiss me back and I really believe that if I hadn't stopped us, we would have made love right then.

But I knew it was her first time. And it was my first time and I wanted it to more special than that. I didn't want that memory tainted by my smelly jeep. She deserved better than that.

It was a short drive from the Illinois sign to Chicago, but at least I'd gotten a good thirty minutes of silence. I nudged Rusty with my elbow and he woke up and guided me through the city and into the sprawling suburbs on the other side. I was certain that under the layers of snow were beautifully manicured lawns. I could even make out the top of the hats of a couple of garden gnomes as we passed by in the near twilight. It was a prefect neighborhood, settled into the perfect backdrop of a beautiful city filled with twinkling lights.

He directed me right into the driveway of a quaint, two story home, a little smaller than those around it, with a white picket fence and a well worn porch swing. The mailbox was shaped like a house and bright Christmas lights outlined every eave and window. A dazzling array of those same lights decorated a tree standing proudly in a plate glass front window.

Before we even managed to gather our things and remove ourselves from the jeep, the front door swung open and a plump, middle aged woman with her blond hair swept back in a ponytail and wire rimmed glasses came running for Rusty, nearly knocking him down as she pulled him into her large bosom.

" Merry Christmas, Sweetheart. " she gushed as she continued to hold on to him. " I'm so glad you made it alright. "

" Mom, " Rusty managed around her shoulder. " You're choking me. "

I had to chuckle. It was a heartwarming scene and I felt a little silly standing there watching them.

But it wasn't long before she turned her attention to me. " You must be Rusty's little friend. " She looked up at me, being quite a bit shorter than I was. " Well, I guess you aren't such a little friend after all. I'm Marge. You must be Cappie."

I held out my hand to her and she ignored it and hugged me as well. I was very uncomfortable, not knowing what to do with my hands, so I made to sort of pat her on the back and sighed in relief as another voice from the door caused her to let me go.

" Marge, For Christ's Sake, you don't even know the boy. Let go of him before he decides we're all crazy and jumps back in his vehicle. " A slender man with matching glasses, a balding head and a set of thick eyebrows called. There was no mistaking Glen Cartwright. His son could not have looked more like him.

" I don't understand why you didn't just fly in with Casey. " Marge was saying as she started trying to grab bags out of mine and Rusty's hands. I almost missed it in all the movement, but Casey's name caught my attention.

" Casey isn't coming, Mom. She's going on vacation with her boyfriend's family. " Rusty explained in that ultra patient, complacent way young people talk to older people sometimes.

"Casey's in her room. " Marge said, coming to a stand still. " She got in last night. She hasn't left her room since. I told her you would be here soon and you were bringing a friend, but she mumbled something about jet lag and closed the door again. "

I looked at Rusty and he looked at me and we were both certain that disaster lay inside that house. When she found out which friend he had brought home, all hell was going to break lose.

I cursed under my breath, but managed to hide it behind a cough when Mrs. Cartwright turned to look at me. I did not want to intrude on Casey's Christmas. That wasn't my intention at all. If I had had even the slightest hint that she might be coming home I would have stayed at school where I belonged.

Rusty and I dragged the heavy luggage up the stairs and he lead me to a room at the end of a hallway. As we passed three doors, he pointed them out.

" That's my room. " he gestured to the first one. The next one was the bathroom and the one directly across from mine, was hers.

He told me this with a flinch that let me knew he understood what he had gotten us into.

We went quickly inside my room and shut the door as quietly as possible.

" What the hell are we going to do now ? " I demanded as soon as I knew we were alone.

Rusty was running his hands through his hair nervously and pacing. " I don't know. I didn't think she would be here. I thought she was going with Evan. Something must have happened. "

" I'll just spend the night and leave in the morning. Surely she can deal with me for one night. I'll avoid her at all costs. Maybe she won't even know I'm here. " I offered.

" No, " Rusty stopped and turned to me. " You are my friend and I don't want you spending Christmas alone. She can either deal with that or sulk in her room for the entire vacation. "

" That's a real nice offer, Rusty, but she already doesn't like me. I don't want to ruin her Christmas. "

" What about my Christmas ? Don't you think that it will ruin my Christmas if I know that you're sitting in that huge house all by yourself. "

I stared at him and couldn't keep from smiling.

" Look, " he began dropping to the side of the bed. " You don't get how this family works. Everything has always been about Casey. This house revolves around her. If she has to just deal with the inconvenience of having you here, well then she can just deal. I want you here and I won't take no for an answer. Besides, how would I explain your leaving to my Mom ? She'll think it was something she did. And you'll end up ruining her Christmas as well. "

I couldn't argue with his logic and I didn't want to. So far everything had been so great, I didn't want to leave.

I sat down beside him and patted his shoulder. " Alright, I'll stay. You win. "

Whatever he was about to say was lost in the knock on the door and we both turned our head in unison.

" Russ, you in there, Mom is making me say hi. " Casey called from the other side of the door.

Shit, here we go.

Rusty shuffled to the door slowly and opened it no more than a crack. " Okay, " he told her. " You told me hi. "

" What is your problem ? " I heard her ask.

" Why aren't you in Aspen ? " he countered.

" Oh, so you don't want me here. I get it. Well, you'll just have to deal. I'm here for the entire break. "

" What about Evan ? " he paused. Then added, " You didn't bring him with you, did you ? "

Oh, God, I hadn't even thought of that. If Chambers was sharing the room right across the hall from me with my girl. I was going to take off in the morning. Hell, I might just grab a nap and bolt.

I held my breath as I waited on her answer.

" No, he's with his parents. I'm here alone. Who's with you ? Dale ? "

I watched his shoulders shake as he drew in a deep breath and opened the door wider.

I stood and waved at her as he moved aside.

" Oh, my God. What the hell, Rusty ? " She was practically shrieking and I was sure their parents would be on us any second wondering about the commotion.

" He was going to spend Christmas at the house by himself. " Rusty explained, making me sound like a stray he had found on the side of the road. I kept expecting him to ask her if he could keep me.

She grabbed hold of his shirt and hauled him into the hallway, slamming the door behind him.

I couldn't catch everything that was being said behind the heavy door, but several phrases like, I can't believe you and how could you bring him here, bleed through.

I was feeling worse by the second. I opened the door, prepared to let her off the hook and say I was returning to CRU in the morning.

" Look, I'll go. " I said, when they both turned to me. " We had no idea you'd be home or I would never have agreed. "

" Cappie, " she said, turning to me, " You don't have to leave. I don't want you spending Christmas alone either. "

I was stunned, but I quickly deduced that she was just being nice and shook my head. " I'm not going to ruin your holiday. I know you've had a lot going on with the ZBZ's and all. You deserve a nice Christmas. "

She planted her hands on her pink velor covered hips. " And I intend to have one. "

" With me or in spite of me ? " I couldn't help but ask. If it was in spite of me, I was still leaving. I didn't want to put this nice family through that kind of tension.

She paused while she thought about that. " I think we can manage to have a descent time together, as long as you behave. "

" Behave ? " I asked. " Are you expecting me to try and molest you behind the coat rack in your parent's living room ? "

She sighed, " I never know what to expect from you. "

We all turned as Mrs. Cartwright stepped onto the landing. She looked at Casey. " Well, I'm glad to see you out of your room. " Then she turned to all of us. " Come along. I have an apple pie, I just took out of the oven. "

I glanced at Casey. She looked at me. Neither of us said a word as we followed her mother downstairs.

I could feel her eyes on me. I felt like I was eating under a microscope. Her gaze was so intent it was making me uncomfortable and I squirmed as I tried to listen to her father at the other end of the table.

" This is a great pie. " He was saying.

I was going to agree and thank her mother but Casey's stare kept me silent. What the hell was she staring at me like that for ? I was behaving. I hadn't made not one single comment about the pie. I just accepted my piece with a quiet thank you and sat down to eat. And that was despite the fact that apple pie had been hands down our very favorite.

" Oh, Casey, Dear. " Finally she looked away as her mother commanded her attention. I took the opportunity to sit up a little straighter and take a drink from my glass of milk. " Derek called again. I'm not going to keep putting him off. Next time, you have to deal with him. "

" Alright. I'll talk to him. " she agreed with resignation.

When her folks went back to talking amongst themselves, her eyes returned to me.

" Derek ? " I asked quietly.

" My ex-boyfriend. " she commented.

" Wow, you seem to have a lot of those popping up this holiday season. " I smiled. " Should we be expecting anyone else ? "
I was kidding. I thought she could tell, she could always tell when I was joking. Under normal circumstances, I was sure she would have laughed. But instead tears welled up in her eyes, and she jumped up and excused herself quickly, making a bee line for the stairs.

I scarfed down the last few bites of pie. Told everyone that I was exhausted from the drive and retreated after her as fast as I could without drawing anyone's attention.

I stood outside her door, knocking as lightly as I could for a good ten minutes. My hand was getting sore by the time I finally gave up and turned into my own room.

As I opened the door, I looked around the medium sized room for the first time. I hadn't really had a chance to take anything in with all the drama before. But now, I saw the maple, three drawer chest standing right inside the door. A small lamp and a book sitting on top. A cozy looking blue chair sat under one of the windows. The queen sized bed sat under the other, covered in a beautiful, handcrafted, blue wedding band quilt. On top of that sat Casey.

My eyes almost scanned right over her. She was so still and quiet, she appeared as part of the furniture.

It was the slightest movement of her hand that caught my eye.

" I have been outside your door begging you to let me in for at least ten minutes. " I told her, coming to sit beside her.

" I didn't hear you. " Her voice was worn, tired and distant. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she was sitting on my bed, but I wasn't going to press my luck by asking.

" I'm really sorry about what I said. I was just trying to make you laugh. " I offered quietly.

She sat up from where she was laying against the jumble of pillows at the head of the bed and I noticed for the first time that it looked as if she'd been doing quite a bit of crying. " Are you okay ? Did something happen ? "

She wiped at her eyes with a tissue she had balled in her fist and took a breath. " Evan and I broke up before he left. That's why I'm here instead of there, skiing in Aspen. "

" Broke up ? " Now I really was confused, and elated, but mostly confused. " Why ? "
" He seems to have decided I was only with him so that I could be the president of the ZBZ's. He thought I was using him. " she explained, through more tears.

I looked away. I never could stand the sight of Casey crying. It got to me every time. I had to fight against every instinct in me that was screaming in unison to grab her and pull her to me.

I knew it probably wasn't the right time and I was taking a huge a chance but the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, " Were you ? "

I braced myself as the question hung in the air between us. Here she was, turning to me in her hour of need and instead of being supportive and caring, I went and said something bonehead like that. Either Rusty was rubbing off on me or I was hoping she would yes.

Her answer, when it finally came surprised me, " I don't know. I'm more upset about that than breaking up with him. What if I was just using him ? I wasn't doing it on purpose, I swear I wasn't. But I just don't know... " her voice broke before she could continue.

I took a deep breath and moved over to her. Then I took a huge chance and put my arms around her.

I expected her to hit me, or at the very least, push me away. Instead she buried her head in my shoulder and put her arms around my neck.

One of my hands rested against the small of her back, the other in the middle. We stayed like that for so long my muscles began to get stiff. But I didn't move. There was no way I was going to even twitch for fear that it might send her running.

So it was her that finally moved, pulling away from me slightly and looking down, refusing to meet my eyes. " I'm sorry. I just needed to talk to someone. "

" It's okay. " I assured her. " I'm always here for you. "

" I know. " she answered quietly. " Thank you for always being here. "

" Hey, " I pulled her eyes up to mine with a finger under her chin. She reluctantly let me. " I'll always be here for you. No matter what happens between us. I'll always care about you. "

She nodded. " I'm not sure what I'm going to do when we get back to school. "

I dropped my hand from her face. The moment, if there really had been one, was over. We were back in friends mode. But at least that was something. I could hold on to that anyway.

" What you're going to do about what ? " I asked, scooting back from her, giving her the room she obviously wanted.

" Evan. I don't know what I'm going to do about Evan. " she replied, dropping her hands to her lap and staring at them intently.

" Is there a chance you can still talk to him, work it all out maybe ? "

" I don't think so. He was pretty angry. " was her answer as she shifted and moved to the side of the bed, letting her feet dangle.

" People get over being angry. Sometimes they just need time. " I could not believe I was sitting here, encouraging her to try and work things out with Chambers.

" Maybe. But I'm not even sure I want to try and work things out. You know, we haven't really been good for a while now. " Her back was to me and she was staring at her lap again.

" Since the whole Rebbecca thing. "

She shook her head. " No, we managed to work past all that. We were getting back on the right track. Then mid terms came around and things kind of went downhill. "

Mid terms. I thought about that, my mind slipping easily back to the hours we spent working on the paper together, the kiss that I had ruined by opening my big mouth. I have never regretted speaking so much in my life. I remember silently cursing my parents for teaching me to use words at all. But if things had progressed that day the way they were heading, I would not have been able to live with myself knowing that I lied to her. And omission of a truth, is still lying in my book. There was no difference.

I also remembered that that was the week when Evan gave her his lavaliere. My mind jolted back to the scene on her lawn with everyone there and the look she gave me over his shoulder. It was one of the worse moments of my life.

" So what happened during mid terms that changed things ? " I asked, hoping I already knew the answer.

She turned to me slowly and crossed her legs in front of her Indian style. " You know what happened during midterms."

I tried to fight the smile that was threatening to take over my face. It didn't seem like the appropriate response at the moment. " Yeah, but you still excepted Evan's letters. I kind of figured that meant you made your choice. "

" It did, I did. " she stammered, searching for the right words. " I just don't know for sure that I made my choice for the right reasons. I thought I did and I don't want you to get the wrong impressions. "

I was getting all kinds of impressions. I had no idea what she was thinking were the wrong ones though. We usually had a way of understanding each other, but I was totally at a lose and confused as hell. " I'm not sure what you're saying here, Casey. I don't know what you're trying to tell me. " I confessed and she gave an exasperated sigh in response.

" I'm saying that I appreciate you letting me cry on your shoulder. And I appreciate how you're always here for me and I want you to know that I'm always here for you, too. " She glanced at my face, trying to see if I was getting it, but apparently what she was there didn't make her happy because she continued. " I want to try and be friends with you. I miss you. "

I wanted so badly to fall back on one of my jokes, but I remembered how much that had irritated her the last time we talked so seriously so I pushed the urge away and smiled at her instead.

" I've missed you, too. "

" So can we do this ? Can we try being friends while you're here ? " she asked.

" Absolutely. I'm willing to be your friend. " I answered.

She looked at the ceiling then back to me. " Wow, Cappie, I'm really impressed. You just had a serious conversation and didn't make a joke once. "

I looked at her a bit wounded. " I can be serious if I have to. "

" And you feel like you have to with me ? "

I thought about that before I answered. " Sometimes, " I answered, quietly. " Other times, I see you and I think you look so sad, so out of place. I just can't help but want to make you smile. "

She was looking down again, apparently her hands were very interesting, because she couldn't seem to take her eyes off them. " Is that how you really see me, sad and out of place ? "

I came up beside her. " That isn't really the question you should be asking, what you should be asking is, is that how you see your self ? "

She gave me a crocked smile and batted at my shoulder with the back of her hand. " That was very deep, and without the benefit of weed. I'm impressed. "

" Very funny. " I mumbled, once again a little dismayed by her lack of faith in my abilities. " I can be deep and serious. I just don't like to make people jealous by showing off my superior intellect and capacity to understand the human mind. " I answered, smiling smugly and poking my chest out.

" Oh, I see, you put on this ridiculous facade of a stoner slacker for the benefit of those around you. That's very noble, Sacrificing your true self like that, just so the rest of us won't feel bad about our inferior brains. " She mocked me.

" Well, let's just keep this all between us. I'd hate it if word got around. " I teased.

She turned to me, gave me a hug and stood. " I'm going to bed. "

" Already. I was hoping for a rousing game of strip something before you took off. " I smiled.

" I'll bet you were. " she turned back to me as she reached the door. " Cappie, I don't want you to feel like you have to be anything other than who you are when you're with me. "

" Thank you, " I inclined my head in acknowledgment. I wasn't sure that I really believed her but for now, I'd take her at her word. " And I want you to know that you can be however you feel like being when your with me, Naughty nurse, Vegas stripper, Bad school girl, or even just mixed up sorority president who doesn't know what she wants, whoever you choose. I might even be inclined to try the dominatrix, but I think I might have to be drunk for that one. "

She was laughing. It was a wonderful sound. And I felt a great sense of pride at knowing that I had made that happen.

" Goodnight, Cappie. " she called over her shoulder as she left, still trying to stifle her giggles.

I laid back against the pillows. Oh yeah, I thought, it was going to be one hell of a Christmas.