January 19, 2138 (Morning)
I could only sleep for a couple of hours. How ironic that is when we're all so tired. I'm not even sure that I could call what I managed to get sleep. My body hurts everywhere and it's hard to put words together and concentrate. I just can't get last night out of my mind. Especially that girl Carrie and what happened with Tad.
Carrie. She was so brave and pretty. I didn't want to leave her there. If I could go back and make things right for her, I would. Now all that I can do is sit here and cry over her. How useless is that? God has to look after her. Somehow. He just has to. If she's gone I hope she's with him now. If not, I hope he will take care of her and protect her from the dreads. I'm sorry, Carrie. I wanted to save you too.
Tad, what happened to you? I've never seen anything like what he did last night in my life. It was like he really wasn't there at all and was seeing something totally different than the rest of us. Earlier in the hospital he was so much more like himself. Being kind and helpful to me. Protecting us from the other people in the hospital with us. Then seeing Carrie fall behind us. It must have been like reliving the loss of his mother all over again. I can't imagine what he's thinking or feeling. I don't know what to do for him. I don't know if Dad does either. But something has to be done. He can't keep going on like this, and we can't go on with him being so unstable either. I really thought that he would stand there shooting back until he destroyed them all or someone shot him first.
All of the way back here we practically had to guide him back. His eyes were open but it was like he wasn't seeing the things around him as we moved. The blond female soldier was forced to return with us, and was questioning Tad about what was wrong with him until Dad told her to stop. Either struck by his bravery or his stupidity, she had no idea what to think of what happened either. Sarah remained silent all of the way back, but she guided Tad once in a while and I could see tears falling down her face as we walked on. She must have been feeling as helpless as the rest of us. Yet, if she hadn't been there with us I don't think Tad would have came back. It's like he has this mission that will never end until he ends with it. If he keeps going this way, who else is going to come to their end with him?
Someone is coming into my room. I'll have to write more later.
January 19, 2138 (Afternoon)
Well, I can quit calling the blond woman that vague name now. She came in to check up on me and told me that her name is Kimberly. Sergeant Kim Anderson. She looked tired, but still cared enough to come in here. We talked for a long time and it was nice. She started off wanting to say that she was sorry for the way that we all had to meet and for aiming a gun at me. She said that she never wanted or intended to hurt me at all. It's just that she has a duty to perform. I wanted her to know that I was sorry too. I never wanted to hurt any of them either. And I told her that I was sorry about Carrie. She looked at me and thanked me for trying to save her from the machines.
For a moment all that I could do was keep telling her that I was sorry that I failed to get her away from them and I wanted to cry, but it was as though she wouldn't let me as she put her hand on my shoulder and said, "No more. She did her duty and you did more than you should have to help her. There were so many times that you could have fallen there with her. She wouldn't have wanted that. She would rather die or be digitized than see anyone else die or be digitized instead of her. You were a stranger to her from the beginning, and yet she was left with a real friend in you. That's all Carrie has ever wanted. Just some good friends to be there with."
Kim's facial expression didn't change any, but I could see her eyes glass up a little. How strong she must be. Feeling all of that emotion and holding it in for my sake. It made me wonder how many friends she had lost to this war and how many times she had to hold her emotions in. I looked at her and said with a laugh, "You know, I won't tell anyone if you want to let some of that out." She looked at me and laughed too, saying, "Really?" I said, "Sure. Why don't you tell me about her and have a good cry. And I promise I'll keep it our secret." Without really going on about Carrie she let a tear fall down from her left eye and glanced up at the ceiling for a second. Then she looked back down at me and said, "How old are you?" I said, "Didn't my Dad tell you that I was old enough?" We both laughed at this and she said that she would tell me about Carrie sometime and take me up on the offer. I guess one day we'll have a crying contest.
Trying to let go of the Carrie subject for now she said that she went to see my son. Suddenly I remembered what I had said to her in the hospital. She told me that she understood why I wanted to get the medications. Then she told me how cute little Alan was. All that I could think about was that I had called him that. My son. Is that what I want? To be his mother for him? Maybe I just wanted him to need me. I don't know. She went on talking about Alan but I failed to hear some of what she was saying. She noticed, and looked concerned at me. I picked up on it and she asked me if I was all right. I told her that I was fine, but she said that she had noticed that I couldn't seem to move very well as we ran from the hospital. Then she asked me what happened to me. I told her that I jumped off of a bridge, and she took it wrong at first. She thought that I had tried to kill myself or something. Then I had to go on explaining the rest of the story. She looked concerned at the point where I had to tell her that a biodread shot me. She asked me if I was all right, and I told her that I was going to live. I didn't really want to talk about that episode anymore, and she ended it by saying that she was sorry that I was hurt by the machines. Then she offered me her ear if I ever wanted to talk too. For a soldier she seemed so easy to talk to. Maybe she should have been a bartender. But then again, maybe I should be a student in a school. With a boyfriend and a prom to go to. Maybe a class trip and a spring vacation. Well, one out of hundreds isn't bad I guess.
Kim asked me about Tad before she left. It couldn't be hidden from her that there was something really wrong with him. She told me that what he had done was either the craziest or bravest thing she's ever seen. Funny, I thought that too. I tried to keep it short, and told her that he had lost his mother not long ago and was there when it happened. Kim said that she was sorry for him, and figured that the hospital battle must have brought it all back to life for him. She said that maybe she could talk to him, but I told her that he doesn't relate well to others about anything. The only person he seems to connect with well is Sarah. The only other times he seems to come back to himself are rare, and usually when he feels the pain of someone else somehow. I told her that it feels like watching him die a little bit each day. As though he was being eaten up by some kind of poison that he couldn't get rid of. That nobody but Sarah and nothing but the pain of others seems to cure for a minute or two.
She started looking really serious after I had said all of that. She said, "You know that he's a good kid, right?" I replied, "Yes." She went on saying, "I think it's just some form of traumatic stress. He doesn't want to hurt any of you." I told her that I knew that, but he's so unstable. It's like he doesn't have any control over what he might do anymore. Feeling that I wasn't convinced by her reassurance of Tad's intentions, she said to me, "What is it?" And I said, "Didn't you see? My sister has this connection to Tad that can't seem to be broken. It isn't just Tad caring about her, she has some kind of feelings for him too. Maybe it's some kind of crush. Maybe she really loves Tad somehow. That's my problem. I know Tad is a good person. Even though he has a hard time showing it, he's my friend. I know that he cares about me like a brother. I really know this, but sometimes I think Sarah is losing herself with him. In the yard of the hospital she would have ran back to him and died there with him without thinking about it twice. I could hear it in her voice. Crying out to him as he stood there within himself. She isn't pulling Tad back to us. He's taking her to his end with him. And I don't know if he will stop or if she can pull him back harder."
Kim said, "She's so young, isn't she?" I said, "Yes. And I want the best for them both, but I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to reach him and neither does anyone else. I've tried and I keep trying. But I think he's afraid to let me reach out to him. I want to shake the hell out of him and make him Tad again, but I don't know how."
Kim said back to me, "You found a way in the yard of the hospital. Are you sure it wasn't you that reached him instead of you referring to Sarah, and him hearing her name being what had brought him back?" I said, "I don't know, but I don't think so. I'm telling you that Sarah is the only one that he has any hold on to any longer. And either it's the best thing that will ever happen to her or it's going to be the end of her altogether as he destroys himself and she follows him to her own destruction."
Kim said, "Maybe I can do something for him. I'll try. Since I'm stuck here for a while anyway, I might as well."
"Good luck," I said back to her. "I really don't fear Tad. I know that he cares about us. I just don't think he knows where he's going. Or that Sarah is following with him. You know?"
"Yeah, Amber. I know. Take it easy and get some rest. I'll see what I can do."
"Thanks Kim. And thanks for coming here and talking to me," I said back as she walked towards the door.
She reached the door and turned to me, saying, "No. Thank you."