I just saw Delko. He came in to drop off a couple of guns for me to look at. He didn't seem himself. No one ever seems themself these days. I didn't pay too much notice I suppose. But he did appear antsy. At least that's what I would call it.

I set the guns aside on one of the metal tables and stand in the center of the room, glancing at the calender on the wall. It has been a week since the case where Speed died. Only a week. Part of me thinks that I should have things under control now, I'm not used to keeping a constant grievance in my system. That's not how I work. Speed was a very special man; but I've seen others die that I was closer to... and I've felt nothing in a couple of days from their death. Why not the same numbness here? What was so different about him, compared to the others?

Leaving the ballistics lab, I pass by several people who don't dare to look at me in the eye. The day that he died, I had kicked over a table, broken a crime light; all with strength I didn't even know I had. I guess when you are propelled by one strong emotion, all of you gets stronger. That's how I saw it then. Now I'm not too sure. Realizing what I had done, I'd run off and found a corner to hide in where I could regain my wariness, where I could sweat off the pain and try to make myself more apathetic to everything. Horatio was the one who found me, the one who hugged me and told me that everything would some how be alright. I'd heard that line over a dozen times. It shouldn't have meant anything. This time it did.

Because it was Horatio who was saying it; a guy who hardly ever showed his own emotions. I was so surprised that I couldn't keep myself from crying a little. But only a little. A couple of tears and then I was gone again, wrapped up inside of myself. Tough, apathetic Calleigh once again. And I had no problem with that. I had seen what he was like on that day in the jewelers store. And I wasn't the only one who saw it. He'd compromised his unfeeling qualities that day and became the monster of vengeance, one that takes over all of us at some time or another.

I look at the calender with more scrutiny. There are no marks showing what day Speed died. The date just jumps out at me. Something I doubt I would ever forget. I hate feeling hurt. I hate missing; and I especially hate loss. So I try to isolate myself from them as much as I can. Yet, a strange nausea remains in the core of my stomach.

I move back to my work station and begin examining the guns. The case was another officer involved shooting, another case for the chauvinistic prick, Stetler, to horn in on. Just my luck. I swear if he sets one foot in my work space, I'll eat him. That man, I'd despised him ever since I'd first seen him...and somehow managed to despise him more, after Speed's demise. He'd gone to too many lengths to make it seem as if Speed was incompetent; to put it on the record that Speed had got himself killed. And even though it was the truth, I wasn't satisfied with the entire department knowing that Speed had done it to himself... he didn't deserve that kind of memory. I made everything vague... the gun malfunctioned plain and simple. Nothing more and nothing less.

I took all of the blame off of Speed... I put it on his gun. It wasn't the right thing. I had technically lied. But I didn't want people to remember that he had made a fatal mistake by not cleaning his gun... and it had killed him. Speed technically killed himself. It was just another man's bullet who finished him off.

"Calleigh?" a voice behind me startles me. I nearly jump out of my skin but regain myself when I see Maxine Valera's familiar face.

"Sorry I scared you." she apologizes, an eyebrow up. I can tell she's analyzing me.

I shake it off. "Is there something you need?" I respond stonily.

"Horatio wants to see you. He says he found something important."

The message is hardly informative. When does Horatio not want to see me? And why did it sound so cryptic? I never knew what was going through his head but maybe it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I just needed to let go... everything that was going to happen with Speed, was over with. His foolish and boyish tendencies were gone... everything was gone. I sigh heavily as I exit the lab and begin my way up towards his office.

TBC...