January, 19, 2138 (Evening)
Tommy stopped by and we took a walk for a while. We looked in on little Alan for a while and played with him. He seemed pretty happy. Tommy carried him around on his back and I tried to help him walk around for a little while. Holding his good hand and guiding him around the room. Karl has been treating the bad one, but we don't know anything yet. It still looks bad but Karl says that we have to give it time and keep him inside. He's not missing anything outside anyway. It's cold and it started snowing a few hours ago.
I'm still not sure what Mom knows about last night and I'm a little afraid to go into it with her without talking to Dad first. I think all of the adults are having a bit of a meeting right now. So maybe I'll know pretty soon. Sarah is patrolling the perimeter herself while Tad is located in our high tree stand. After leaving Alan, Tommy and I walked around the zoo and checked up on both of them and brought them both some hot chocolate. Karl found some kind of a stash in a cabinet. He gave us some too and it's great. So we had to share it with the other two.
Tommy and I held hands as we walked aroung the zoo. I can't say that we talked that much to each other. I guess we didn't want to go over the hospital incident again. I wanted to ask him about the components Dad was after, but I thought better of it and saved it for later knowing that it would bring up the hospital. I just wanted to enjoy being together for once. So that's what we did. He put his arm around me several times and I think that's what he wanted to. A break for the two of us. On the way to see Sarah we walked kind of slow. Partially because we were still rather tired from last night and none of us sleeping well, and because we wanted to make our time last longer. The stars were shining through the clouds a little, and it was nice for a change. It gave me the chance to stop and enjoy being with him. Running my hand through his dark hair. It was great.
Once we reached Sarah she was happy to see us. And the drink. It was pretty obvious that she was stressed over last night, though. She needed a distraction from having so much time to walk around thinking about it all again. Apparently Tad has been avoiding her today, and she doesn't understand what's going on with him. She's never seen anything like last night before now. And as close as they are she's never seen him push her away. Could it have been what I screamed at him last night on the grounds outside of the hospital? Could it be that he's realizing what I've been thinking all of this time? That he's speeding his way to his end and she's following right along with him? Whatever it is, Sarah is hurt by how he's reacting to it and her. Now I feel like I've made this rift between the two of them. But I had to get him to run. I didn't know what else I could say that he would hear.
Tommy gave Sarah the brotherly hug thing, trying to make her feel better. He says to just give him some time and things will be all right. I don't know if he really believes that though. He says that he will talk to Tad too, but he doesn't tend to hear what we're saying to him as far as we can tell. Even his father can't break through to him. I wonder if Kim got to talk to him yet. I wonder what she'll say to him if she does too. I guess it can't hurt any. All that she can lose is a few minutes of her time, and right now she has plenty of it.
We stayed with Sarah for quite a while, then moved on to the tree stand. Tad was staring off in the distance, and Tommy said to him, "Hey. We've got something hot for you bro." He looked down and reached for the cup without speaking at first. Tommy handed it to him and he took a drink. Not reacting to the goodness of the hot chocolate, he looked back at me and said, "Amber?" I was surprised and said, "What?" He kept looking at me and said, "Can we talk? Please?" Then he looked at Tommy and said, "Alone?" I said, "Sure Tad," and Tommy spoke up and said, "Uh, yeah. I think I'll go check up on Sarah for a while." Then he raised my hand that he was holding and kissed it as he walked away.
He waited for Tommy to walk away and he climbed down from the tree stand. He couldn't seem to look at me at first. It was like he couldn't find the words that he wanted to say. After a moment of this, he looked at me and said, "I'm sorry Amber. I'm sorry." He seemed like he was trying so hard to talk and open up to me and couldn't think of what he wanted to say, and I said, "I know." Then we both stood there for a minute trying to find more words for each other. Then Tad spoke up again saying, "I didn't mean to put anyone at risk. Not any of you. I was trying to help… I wanted to…." He couldn't say it as he kept looking away from me. I started crying for him and spoke up and said, "I know. Tad, I know."
He looked so lost. Lost within himself. Lost for words. Lost for how to feel. He even seemed lost to letting it all out. Like his tears were gone too. And he looked back at me as I stood there crying in front of him, looking back at him. We stayed like this for a second or two, and he reached his hand out to me. It was shaking as though he couldn't control it, but he kept it out there for me. I grabbed it before he could pull it away and hugged him hard. I kept hugging him for a long time, until he finally wrapped an arm around behind me and put one hand on my back as if to hug me back. As we stood there I released the hug I had on him and grabbed him around the neck. I held his head in place, making him look at me and not look away again as I looked into his eyes and said, "I'm here for you, Tad. Please stop closing yourself away from me. You can talk to me. You know that, right?" He didn't speak, but nodded as if to say yes. "You can. I'm right here for you if you let me. Please talk to me," I felt the need to say it again as though he was not hearing me the first time. He said, "Yeah," and left it at that. And back up the tree stand he went. I think I touched him a little. I hope so, anyway.
January 20, 2138 (Noon)
I slept well last night. I imagine all of us did. We were all tired from everything that's happened lately. I woke up and decided to take a turn patrolling the perimeter for a while to give one of the others a break. It gives me a chance to think about things too. Thinking about the cold and snow mostly. And how upset Sarah was last night, and my talk with Tad. At least I know that he's trying to help himself. I hope he and Sarah can work things out.
We're learning more about Sergeant Kim. She says she's part of a resistance group formed out of the guard soldiers from the military base and some citizens that have armed themselves. Dad told her a lot of things about us too. She seemed pleased to know that Dad was a soldier too. The hospital situation was a mess for all of us. Her side of it was that she and three other soldiers were sent there to get medications for their injured because the two other hospitals are too far into the territory occupied by the biodreads. We only saw two other soldiers with her that night, though. Anyway, they haven't been able to retake that area and they figured the hospitals would be occupied by the enemy. We did too, which brought us all together. We still don't know if the enemy knew we were all there or if they stumbled upon us by accident. She thinks they just found us by coincidence, but she can't be sure either. She also doesn't know if the other trooper made it back with the medications or where the third person from her group is.
Kim and Dad both seem to be on the same page. They both know that the enemy knows us, but do they think we're just part of the resistance that strayed out there for medications or do they know that we're out here? Dad is having one of us scout outward from here. Down the pathway leading into the zoo so that we can have some warning before the dreads find us if so. Karl is out right now. He's trying to give the guys a break like I was trying to give them a break from perimeter duty. They're the workhorses of the outfit but they need a break too. So does Sarah. Hell, all of us do.
Mom checked up on me earlier. She keeps asking me if I'm all right, and I keep telling her that I am. Sometimes I just wonder if she doesn't believe me when I say it to her. Maybe it's because I haven't talked to her about the other night and how it went. It isn't that I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to share any more of the bad things in life with her. I get tired of knowing that Mom is worrying about everything. Sparing her one more thing to worry about is better to me than burdening her with another one that she can't do anything about. Besides, how can I pay someone that brings me a hot drink back by adding to their worries?
January 20, 2138 (Late afternoon)
Something happened while I was out on patrol. Karl came running up the pathway and up to the entrance of the zoo. He called to me and told me to get Kim quickly. I did and she came running back out with me to ask Karl what was wrong. He said that someone is making their way up the trail to the zoo. He went on saying that they were wearing a uniform like hers. Her eyes widened and she said to come with her. We both ran along with her, but she wanted us to stop before we got into the person's view. Then we hid behind some bushes and let her move forward on her own. She didn't move off away from us very far before she hid behind a tree. Her thin frame hidden from the ongoing path and her laser drawn, she stood there so still that I couldn't even see her breathing. The sticks snapped and the snow packed underneath the strangers feet as they approached us, until Kim stepped out suddenly and told them to stop. Holding her gun on them, she told them to put their hands up and identify themselves. It was a younger man, in his twenties from what I could tell. But it wasn't the same one that left the hospital with the other half of the medications that we took.
He stopped, looking startled by her sudden presence. The he said, "It's me Kim," as though he knew her. That's when it started getting really weird. She didn't lower her laser, and replied, "That's Sergeant to you." I looked at Karl to see what he was thinking at that time because I was kind of blown away by how she was acting. I thought he was one of her resistance friends, but she wasn't acting that way. He spoke up again saying, "It's Corporal Cane." She asked, "What are you doing here?" He replied, "I got cut off from home and had to come this way." She snapped back, "How do you get cut off when you were supposed to be on the other side of the hospital when it was being attacked by the enemy, and then end up on this side with enemies everywhere, occupying it?" He came back with, "I can explain, but can we get to a safe point?"
"Where's Kincaid at, Cane? He fled in your direction and should have ended up running directly into you," she asked. "I didn't see him or Carrie. Or you," he replied. Then she said, "I need your communicator. Mine is damaged and there isn't another one that has the range I need to contact our base." He said back, "I'm sorry, but I lost mine running away from the enemy." Staring at him like she would burn a hole through him if she could, she glared at him for about five silent seconds and lowered her weapon. Then she told him to come with us as we stepped out from behind the bushes.
I still don't know what's going on there. She was acting like a totally different person with this guy. Maybe I should mention it to Dad and see what he thinks. If Karl doesn't beat me to it. He looks as confused by all of it as I am.