I sat alone in my room trying to decide what I was going to do next. I wanted to leave. I wanted to jump in my piece of crap and be on the road back to CRU before nightfall. Then I thought about that. I knew I would never be able to leave things between us the way they were.

I was so angry I wasn't thinking straight.

Then another thought hit me. I was being such a hypocrite. Here I was mad because she didn't tell me she TALKED to Evan. After what happened with Rebbecca, how could I be angry with her ?

My head was pounding. How did this get so complicated ? How did everything get so twisted ?

I shifted on the bed and memories of the night before came crashing down on me like a weight, suffocating the air from my lungs. I had to talk to her. I had to come clean and get everything out in the open. We were never going to be right until we stopped lying to each other, keeping things from each other. I had to be honest with her and hope to God she forgave me.

I had just about convinced myself that I was ready to see her when a knock came to the door.

A second later Rusty stuck his head in and gave me a weak, nervous smile.

" Hey, " he said, coming inside and closing the door behind him. " What's going on ? Casey is in her room and won't open the door. You're in here by yourself. Derek and Hannah are wondering if the snowman thing is still gonna happen. "

" Casey's been talking to Evan. " I told him quietly as I tried to mask the shakiness.

His eyebrows shot up to his hairline and he sat down on the foot of the bed. " Really ? What did she say to him ? "

" I don't know. I didn't wait around to find out. "

He shifted. " How do you know ? Did she tell you ? "

I told him about the e-mail and the look in his eyes said he thought I'd messed up pretty badly.

" You opened her e-mail ? Why would you do that ? " he asked.

" I don't know. " I sighed. " I was looking for her gloves and I heard the beep and I just couldn't help myself. "

He didn't answer, instead he stared straight ahead, his eyes focused on nothing in particular.

" I know. I invaded her privacy. I shouldn't have. I don't know what made me do it. "

He turned to me at last. " Maybe you did it because you don't trust her. "

I shook my head. " That's not true. I trust her. Or I did. "

" You trusted her so much, you read her mail behind her back ? I think maybe that should tell you something. "

I jerked my eyes away from him. " Yeah, it tells me I'm an asshole. " I muttered.

" You aren't an asshole. But I"m a little curious. " he paused like he wasn't sure about his next statement. " Have you told her about Rebbecca ? Or are you planning on just keeping it a secret ? Because Rebbecca does seem like the type to not use something like that to her advantage. "

" I haven't told her. I wasn't going to tell her yet. See, I am an asshole. "

He smiled at me but there was no humor in his eyes. " I hate that this is happening. I really wanted to see you two together. You make her so happy. I haven't seen her smile in the last eighteen years as much as I saw her smile yesterday. "

" You think I should tell her about Rebbecca ? I'm not sure now is the right time. "

He shrugged. " Is there ever going to be a right time to tell her something like that ? "

" I guess not. " I mumbled. Then decided I didn't want to talk about me anymore. " What happened with Jenn ? "

" She's downstairs with Mom. " I saw the blush rising in his cheeks and I knew it had gone well. " We talked. "

" And you forgave her and everything is roses again ? " I urged him on.

" Well, maybe not roses, but it's getting there. "

" That's great, Russ. I'm glad it's working out for you. " I leaned in a little. " Let me let you in on a little secret. "

He leaned closer and I lowered my voice. " You never really get over your first love. "

He smiled and slapped me on the back. " Oh, I know and that I way you are getting off your ass and going across the hall. "

" Yes, I am. " I told him in a confident voice that was the exact opposite of the feelings churning in my stomach.

I felt like I was walking to my doom. Maybe I was. Maybe this sense of finality that was taking me over was prophetic. But if it was. If this thing between Casey and I was truly over, then I needed to know. It was time to find out exactly what we were doing and why. It was truth time.

My hand was shaking as I raised it and knocked on her door. She, of course didn't answer. So I opened the door and walked inside slowly.

She was laying in a pile in the middle of her bed, her knees in her chest and eyes locked on mine as I came to sit beside her.

" Okay, " I took a deep breath. " I'm so sorry I opened your mail. I had no right. I had no business and I feel terrible. "

She sat up. " I should have told you that Evan called yesterday. But I honestly hadn't thought about it all day. I was having such a good time with you, he wasn't even a blip on my radar. "

I swallowed, hard. Nice, I thought, I really am an asshole. " He said he thought you forgave him. " I was trying desperately to make myself feel better, which only served to make me feel worse.

" Yeah, " she sighed. " That's what he said. I told him I didn't want to talk to him. But that's what Evan does. He railroads his way through people. Telling them how they're supposed to feel and how they should see things. "

She moved across the bed and put her arms around me. I let her, taking her against me and letting myself indulge in her warmth. Then she whispered into my neck. I didn't catch it at first it was so quiet, but when I didn't respond. She repeated it louder.

" I love you. "

Fuck ! I didn't know what to do. My mind was screaming at me to tell her. I needed to tell her. Keeping it from her was tearing me up inside. But she leaned back a little and looked into my eyes with such love and tenderness. I just couldn't do it. I tried to force the words from my mouth.

They were right there on the tip of my tongue. In my mind I heard the words coming out, I had sex with Rebbecca. What she heard was, " I love you, too. "

" I'm so sorry I didn't tell you he called me. I should have. I know I should have. I really did just forget all about it. " she was talking and I was holding her and at first I was confused. Why was she apologizing to me when I just told her everything ? Then my brain caught up to my mouth and I realized that my body was betraying me. I had an all out mutiny on my hands. My body knew what it needed, it needed her. It was the survival instinct again. Somehow, my heart had figured out what my brain was trying to do and it had put a stop to the whole thing.

" Cappie, What's wrong ? " her face was full of concern as she looked at me intently.

I nodded. " Nothing. Everything's fine. "

" You have that same look you had this morning. I know you better than you know you. Something is bothering you. "

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. There was no more hiding. I had to tell her about Rebbecca. This was my chance. If I came clean now, maybe she could forgive me. If I didn't , I knew she wouldn't. In order to have even a small chance of keeping her, I was going to have to hurt her and I couldn't stand that.

" There is something that's bothering me. " I began slowly.

But she cut me off before I got any further. " I knew it. You're still worried I'm going to leave you when we get back to school. You think I'm going back to Evan the first chance I get. " She took my hands in hers and looked into my eyes. " I love you. I'm not going to leave. This is where I want to be. You are where I want to be. What do I have to do to make you trust me again ? "

I swallowed again. It was like she was intentionally making this impossible.

Her next move confirmed it completely. She reached up and unfastened the thin piece of leather I always wore around my neck. Then she pulled her hair to the side and fastened it around her own neck. She was wearing my lavaliere. She took my lavaliere. The oblong, golden medallion with the letters KTG etched in black never looked so wonderful when it was on my neck. She made it glow. My heart skipped a full beat as I sat there staring at the shiny pendant. I could feel tears stinging my eyes.

There was no way I was going to tell her now. This was a declaration. Her way of telling the world that she was mine and I was hers. There would be no hiding when we returned to school, no pretending. She was wearing my letters proudly displayed for all to see.

I was totally speechless. This was new territory for us. We had never gone so far as to make this kind of commitment to each other.

Her face clouded over as she continued to stare at me. " If you don't won't me to wear it..." her hand came up and clasped the necklace. " I'll give it back. "

I pulled her hand away and managed a smile. " Absolutely not. It looks perfect. "

Still she hesitated. " Are you sure ? You still look a little freaked out. "

I grabbed her to me and kissed her. There was nothing I could say to explain how I felt seeing her wearing my lavaliere but maybe I could show her. Her arms were around my shoulders pulling me deeper into the kiss. Soon we were stretched out side by side on the bed, kissing feverishly. Her hands tugged at my shirt. Mine tugged at hers.

Then we both froze as we heard a throat being cleared.

" I guess I really do need to start knocking. " Her mother announced as she regarded us with amusement on her pleasant face.

" Mom ! " Casey exclaimed turned in my arms and trying to right her shirt.

" Oh please. It's okay. I was just coming to tell you lunch is ready. " Her eyes strayed to the pendant around Casey's neck and she stepped closer to examine it better. " Although, I must say, " she picked up the necklace and eyed it carefully. " I thought you were just putting on a show for Derek. "

Then her eyes came to rest on me. " I remember now where I'd heard your name before. " She was smiling and I relaxed just a bit. " Casey's first year. You were all she talked about when she called home. But I haven't heard anything about you since that summer. "

I looked to Casey who was blushing where she sat beside me. " Mom ! " she whispered impatiently.

" Oh, alright. " her mother waved her off. " I'm going. I just want to say I'm glad to see you have settled you differences. I always thought it such a shame that you disappeared like that. She seemed to be so happy her first year. "

" Mother ! " Casey was really getting flustered now.

I wanted to laugh. She was adorable as she tried to shoo her mother out the door before she embarrassed her further.

" I'm sorry about her. " she said when Mrs. Cartwright finally left. " Sometimes she just doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut. "

Now I did laugh. " Why would you not want me to know you told your folks about me ? "

" I don't know. I guess I just felt kinda lame, calling home and going on and on about you. Like some giggling school girl with a crush. "

I pulled her against me again. " So I make you giggle ? " I teased as I nuzzled her hair.

" I don't giggle." she insisted.

" Oh, really ? " That was a challenge I couldn't refuse. I let my hand slowly fall down her side, barely touching her skin as I kissed her softly.

My fingertips brushed over her ribs. She whispered my name as I dropped my lips to her neck and lightly scattered kisses there, distracting her from my descending hand.

When my fingers reached her waist, I threw down the gauntlet, tickling her mercilessly until a rapturous giggle escaped from her lips.

" Okay, " she panted, as she struggled to get away from me. " You make me giggle. Are you happy now ? "

" Um, " I pretended to think about that. " Let's see I have you giggling and squirming in my arms while wearing my letters. I don't think I could possibly be happier. "

" Oh, I think I could manage to make you happier. " she looked up at me seductively. " But lunch is waiting on us. And we have company. "

" Well, then maybe after everyone goes to bed tonight, I can meet you here and give you a chance to see if you can top this. " I smiled back at her, burying my head in her neck.

" That sounds like a dare. " she sighed as I nipped at her throat.

" It is. " I chuckled. " As a matter of fact, I double dog dare you to try. "

" Oh , now. " she smiled brightly as she sat up and rested her hand on the upper part of my thigh. " You know I can't resist a double dog dare. "

I grabbed her hand as she started to move it further up my leg. " Hey, we have to go to lunch now. "

" Fine. " she exclaimed, sticking her tongue out at me and getting up quickly.

I followed her out of the room and down the stairs. " So you have a crush on me ? " I asked as we went down.

She stopped suddenly as spun towards me. " Who told you that ? " she demanded.

" You did. You said you felt silly calling home like a school girl with a crush. " I reminded her.

" Oh, well then, maybe I do. " she smiled.

I pulled her into me for another quick kiss. " It's okay. I think I have a crush on you, too. "

" Ah, isn't this cute. " a voice said from the bottom of the stairs.

We broke apart and looked around to find Rusty standing there with Jenn on one side of him and Hannah on the other.

" Piss off, Russ. " Casey told him before coming back to me.

" Mom said to hurry up. You're holding up lunch. " he told us before taking Jenn's hand and leading her into the dining room.

Hannah still stood there. I noticed her watching Rusty intently as he retreated.

Now, that was quite an interesting development. My little buddy had two women chasing after him. I smiled with pride as I watched her follow after him.

" What is with the shit-eating grin ? " Casey asked as we broke apart and she continued down the stairs.

" It seems Rusty's crush my have one on him as well. " I told her in a hushed tone.

" Uh-uh ! "

" Well, unless I miss my guess. Hannah was just checking him out. "

" Wow, Hannah likes Rusty. I didn't see that one coming. " she mused out loud.

" And why not ? Rusty is a fine looking young man and he's had me for a teacher for almost six months now. I think it's perfectly reasonable to assume he would be desired by the fairer sex. " I pretended outrage.

" Right. " she rolled her eyes at me. " Under you tutelage he's learned to play beer pong and not spit out the tequila when he takes a shot. You must be so proud. "

" Ah, yes, But despite the fact that he now knows how to swallow instead of spit, he will forever be known as Spitter. " I put my hand over my heart.

I loved making her laugh. It was one of my favorite sounds in the world and my speech was rewarded with a hearty one.

" You have to tell me all about CRU. " Hannah told Casey as she sat next to her.

I liked the girl. She was friendly and perky. She was even funny when she told us about her troubles at Berkeley where she was currently attending school.

Apparently there was an over amorous undergrad there that was constantly chasing after her, making an idiot of himself.

" Well, we have several really great programs. Our physic department is one of the best in the country. So is our Psychology department. " Casey answered, acting like a living brochure.

" What about the social scene ? " she asked.

Yep, my kind of girl. I smiled.

I was about to tell her all about the parties and fun we had at CRU when I remembered where I was and more importantly who was listening in.

" I'll bet you all have some great parties. " Mr. Cartwright interjected from the head of the table.

I shrugged. " We have our share. But really it's more about the learning. "

He laughed out loud. " Aren't you the president of the Kappa Tau's ? "

I jerked my head around to him and looked at him carefully.

" I went to CRU. I'm an alumni. I know all about the Kappa Tau house. " he nodded knowingly.

Casey's mother was looking between us like she'd miss a punchline in a joke. Rusty was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. And Casey was looking at me.

" Yes, Sir. I am the president of the Kappa Tau Gamma Fraternity. " I answered.

" Oh, don't look at me like that, Son. I appreciate the fact that you all work hard at your classes you need some time to just blow off some steam. I think it's great that the Kappa's provide that for the entire campus. " He smiled. " You, gentleman serve a need. "

I looked doubtful. " We serve a need ? "

" Yeah, you give the other folks a place to come and let themselves go. " His eyes got a kind of glazed over look in them. " I spent many nights at the Kappa Tau house when I was in school. I'm glad to see the tradition continuing. " Then he looked to Rusty. " And I couldn't be prouder that my son is a part of that. Well, not the drinking part, since he isn't old enough for that. " He glanced to his wife and she smiled at him sweetly.

The whole think was kind of hilarious. I don't think I'd ever seen a parent react like that to our organization. We tried our best to keep our reputation from parents. Most didn't approve so overwhelmingly of our goals and principals.

Goals and principals. I heard you snickering. Yes, we have them. We are very proud of them. It's much like Mr. Cartwright explained. We serve a need on campus. Fill a purpose. We Kappa Tau's take that purpose very seriously.

" So the Kappa Tau house is the place to go for the parties ? " Hannah asked, bring my attention back to her.

" Well, all the Greek house's have their share of social events. " Casey answered before I could.

Rusty smiled brightly. " We just have more than our share. "

Did I mention that I love the snow ? After lunch Rusty jumped on the snowman band wagon and we were now, all five of us, outside forming large clumps of snow into balls.

Derek, Casey and I were working on one. Rusty, Jenn and Hannah were on another. We almost had our snowman assembled. They were still working on the bottom half of theirs. This could probably be because Rusty and Jenn were too busy playing with each other to concentrate on the snow much. I noticed Hannah working diligently at finishing the bottom ball of snow as they were lobing snowballs at each other once again.

It reminded me of yesterday in the backyard with Casey and I had to stop and kiss her.

" How long have you been together ? " Hannah asked as we let each other go.

" Since Freshman year. Two and a half years. " Casey smiled.

" That is so nice. You really fit together. I can tell. " she answered.

" What about you ? You leaving a Mr. Right back at Berkeley ? " I asked, flopping down in the snow beside her.

Her eyes flicked quickly to Rusty. If I hadn't been watching for it I would have missed. " No, I keep to myself a lot. "

" Why is that ? "

" I don't know. Not a lot of guys go for the science geek girl, I guess. " her answer was distant and quiet.

" Now, that can't be true. Surely you have more than just the creepy guy you were telling us about chasing after you. " I assured her.

" No, really. It's just him. "

I started to help her as she started on the snowman's body. " Well, I'm sure we can do something about that. "

Her eyes brightened and she looked at me like I'd just told her she'd won the lottery. " Really ? "

" I have a few friends. " I shrugged.

" You'd set me up with one of them ? " She was practically giddy.

" Beaver. " Casey yelled over her shoulder where she was forming our own snowman's body.

" You think ? " I asked, looking over at her. " I was thinking about Heath. "

Rusty nearly tripped over his own feet. Apparently he was listening to us as he wrestled with Jenn.

" Cap, Hannah really isn't Heath's type. " he told me.

I was missing something. Heath was a nice guy. Hannah appeared to be a nice girl. I didn't understand why she wasn't his type. " What do you mean ? Why isn't she ? "

Rusty stood up suddenly and came to sit beside me. " Cal left the Omega Chi's. " He announced solemnly.

I nodded. I had heard about this on the trip to Chicago. " Well, I didn't tell you why he left. "

I raised my eyebrows expectantly. " Okay, I'll bite. Why did he leave ? "

" They found out he's gay and apparently they weren't really okay with it. " he explained patiently.

" What has this got to do with Hannah not being- " the cold was obviously numbing my brain, but I got it finally. " Heath is gay. "

" I'm not sure. I don't know that for a fact, but I do know he's really good friends with Cal. I've seen them together more than a few times. " Rusty told me, looking like he was informing me of the boy's impending death.

" Okay, " I shrugged. " I guess maybe Beaver then. Or Wade. "

Rusty looked at me. " That's it. I mean, I'm not surprised that you don't care that Heath may be gay, but do you think everyone else is going to have a problem with it ? "

I laughed. " Hell no, We don't care about shit like that. Did you really think any of us would ? "

" Well, " he smiled lamely. " I thought after the problems with the Omega Chi's and Cal.. I just wanted to tell you what I thought was going on so you could handle it if it might be a problem."

" There isn't going to be a problem, Russ. It's fine. No one at the house will care if and when he decides to make his preferences known. " I assured him. " And for that matter, if Cal is looking for a place to hang his hat, I'd be happy to see what I could do. "

" You'd do that ? " he asked, looking shocked.

I rolled my eyes at him. " Were you there when he kicked our ass at floor hockey ? "

Rusty's response was a snowball to my shoulder.

Which I quickly countered with a snowball to his face.

This was obviously too much excitement for Jenn and Casey to miss out on because both of them tackled us to the ground as they intruded on our fun.

Rusty didn't seem to mind anymore than I did as he grabbed Jenn and wrestled her into the snow, ducking several swinging hands in the process and ending up with a face full of snow.

I barely caught all of this as Casey was busy trying to put a fair amount of snow down my shirt. Her cold hand brushed against my collarbone and I howled at the intrusion.

" Hey, " Derek called with a laugh. " Get a room. All of you. "

It was another wonderful day all around at the Cartwright Christmas Wonderland and as I laid there in the snow with Casey's body covering mine, there were absolutely no thoughts of Rebbecca Logan in my mind.