January 25, 2138 (Evening)

Life is so funny. It's hard to believe how one person can hurt so many so much with very little effort. And with all of the enemies that people have out there in the world right now, the worst enemy some people have is another person. Since this morning this thought is the one that I keep coming to just to keep my mind from racing through all of the other things that I can't answer. The ones that I can answer are the ones that have brought us to where we are now. Despair.

Tad finally did it. He saved someone. Even if he couldn't save his mother, he saved Sarah. I can only think that that's what he wanted for all of these years. And now he might die because of it. He's laying there in the bed, so pale it makes all of his bruises and cuts look even worse. He can't wake up. And nothing that I can do can fix this. I would trade places with him in a minute, but I can't. Why did I doubt him?

When we pulled him out of the water there was this second where the blood was gone. The dirt and the cuts were gone. And then that second went away and all of Tad that was broken became clear as day. The huge cut on his head bled down the side of his face like it had just been opened. His lip and arms started bleeding. His hands. Then the pain and the bleeding seemed to spread to everyone else.

Tommy and Karl saw him. Karl was trying to help him and stayed strong just because of that, but Tommy is falling apart. He's blaming himself for not dealing with Cane earlier, and for not being there today. I've tried to let Tommy know that I'm here for him, but it's hard to tell if he's hearing me because his focus is completely on Tad right now.

Sarah broke down as she watched us carry Tad back through the gate. Mom and I had to hold her back and keep her from touching him because we thought that she might hurt him worse than he already is. She was crying so hard that I thought she might hurt herself.

Even Kim has been affected by all of this. She held a cloth against Tad's head and applied pressure to it all of the way back here, and she's trying to act strong. But I know that she wants to take his pain away and can feel it as much as the rest of us do. She saved him. What more could anyone ask of her? She's standing with him. Feeling for him. She cares. What else can she do?

Dad feels responsible for it all. He feels like he's the leader and should have acted before this happened. There really wasn't that much time, but I don't think he's ever going to feel that way. I can see him questioning himself now, where he didn't before.

Mom is with Tad now. Talking to him and hoping that he can hear her. Telling him stories about his mother and some of the crazy things they've done over the years. I don't think it beats this one. She keeps stopping once in a while to cry and tell him how much she loves him. All the while he just lies there unable to answer. Like he's broken. I guess he has been for years and we didn't know how to fix him. Only Sarah seems to be able to and even she can't fix this. I don't think she can even fix herself now. I need to go to her and be there for her, but if he dies I don't think there will be anyone that can help her. Ever again.

I've tried all day to think of what I could do to help Tad, and I failed except for thinking of one thing. Praying. I figured God already knew everything that I had to say except for one thing. I didn't know if he was the type for it, but I made him a deal. A contract or arrangement you might say. I offered God the only thing that I know that I have to give if he would let Tad come back to us. My life. Whenever he chooses I'll hand over my life to him and his will if he can see it within him to let Tad live. He's hardly ever had a chance to live and be happy. At least I've had some happy moments in life. Tad has been cheated out of everything good in life and has never truly been given any kind of happiness since his mother has been taken from him. All that he's ever known is pain. He's known it so well that it's one of the few things that he ever reacts or responds to. That can't be what his life was meant for. It can't be.

If this is a test for us, it's a test that I know Sarah can't pass. Whatever it is between them, it's always been there and Sarah needs Tad. It's like two sides of this coin Mom gave me. It's not whole without the other. If God takes Tad he might as well take her too. She won't survive without him. I hope God hears me. So she doesn't have to.

January 26, 2138 (Morning)

I woke up this morning to the sound of a bell in the distance. I could tell that it was far away but wanted to hear more of it anyway. I went outside and Kim was listening to it too. After listening to it for a bit, Kim took out a paper and started writing something down on it. I started to ask her what she was writing, but she hushed me as kindly as she could so that she could hear more from it. After several minutes of the bell ringing it stopped and Kim started talking to me. She told me that it was the bell from the top of the Carillon Tower and the resistance was sending her a message in code because they've realized that she can't communicate with them for some reason. According to Kim, Michael has made it back to them with the other half of the medications from the hospital. They also told her that our attack on the power plant has helped them retake a part of the city. Cutting power to a group of city blocks had left the machines less able to defend themselves against attacks by the resistance.

As the message went on Kim became aware that they didn't know that Carrie wasn't with her. They thought that she was still here with us. It must really break Kim apart inside, waiting to have to tell them that we couldn't save her from the biodreads at the hospital. What a burden that has to be to have to tell them. Especially Michael. And not knowing what became of her too. I wouldn't want to have to tell them. Maybe it's a mixed blessing not being able to contact them right now. Then again, maybe it just prolongs the hell she must be living in.

After the bells rang we looked in on Tad. He still hasn't woke up, and we found Sarah sitting there with him trying to talk to him and bring him back around as her voice kept breaking from the emotions she can't hold in. She's so occupied by Tad that she won't allow any of us to even look at her neck and try to help her heal. At least it's just superficial damage. Cane didn't succeed in what he was planning. But he's breaking her none the less even though he's gone. I felt the need to walk outside for a minute as Kim remained behind with Sarah, trying to support her and acting confident and strong again. As though Tad were a tough one that couldn't die. I wonder if she made it up as she went along.

After seeing him again I couldn't hold it in either. I stepped out and tried not to cry so loudly that Sarah would hear me. I didn't want her to hear it and know that any of us doubted that he would wake up again, so I tried to cover up my face and hide the sounds I couldn't hold in. I finally walked farther away. I reached into my pocket and found the coin Mom gave to me and read it again. If I trust in God like it says we do, will he take my deal? If he gives what I'm asking I'll keep my end of the bargain. I don't know though. Maybe he's not the dealing kind.

If nothing else, please let him see his mother again if you take him. That can't be too much to ask for.