There it was. Finally I had done it. I told her. And the look on her face let me know that she had heard the right words this time. My stomach dropped and I felt like I was going to vomit as I watched her closely, trying to judge her reaction. But it didn't really take any close scrutiny. Her thoughts were echoing so loudly I was surprised the entire house couldn't hear them.

She was completely silent for so long I wasn't sure what I should do. So I stood there looking at her with a horrified expression, waiting for her to make a move.

The move was to grab a handful of blankets and yank them over herself, attempting to cover her body from me. That probably wasn't a good sign.

" When ? " she eventually said, so quietly, so calmly it made my head spin.

" The last night we were on campus. " I swallowed hard and shoved my shaking hands in my pockets.

Her eyes flashed, shooting daggers at me. " And you waited until now to tell me about this because.."

I turned away from her. How was I going to explain this to her so she could understand ? My feeble, useless excuses were churning around in my head, banging together so hard they ceased to make any kind of sense.

" I should have told you. I know I should have. " I began, coming to stand beside the bed. " I wanted to so many times. I just couldn't. "

" So, " Her smile was so full of poison it twisted her face into something almost unrecognizable. " It's official. You have now had sex with every girl on campus. "

I flinched like she had kicked me. I think I would have preferred that to the look on her face.

" Casey, " I dropped down to the bed beside her. " Please, You have to understand. I know this sounds so worthless and stupid, but I was drunk. I don't even remember it. I just remember waking up with her next- "

She cut me off with a hand in front of her. " I really, really don't want to hear what you remember. "

" But, you have to believe me. I swear to you, I had no idea. I would never purposely hurt you like that. Never. " I was pleading now. My voice sounded so foreign I couldn't believe it was really mine.

She looked away thoughtfully and let the blankets slip from her arms. Her breasts heaved as she drew in quick, shallow breaths. " You know, I can't even be mad that you had sex with her. I have no right to be mad about that. It's that you didn't tell me yesterday. Or this afternoon when we were discussing her and Evan. When you admitted she came on to you. "

" I tried. I tried to tell you then, but your mother came in and I went to help her with the groceries. I just didn't get a chance. " I tried to explain, to make her see that I had tried to do the right thing.

Then, as I sat there looking at her, I could see her slipping away from me. I could see her falling through my fingertips like sand. I was losing her. I had only had two days, and now she was gone again. For good this time. This time it wasn't her friends pushing at her. It was me. I had screwed up beyond repair and I had no idea what to say to fix it. I wasn't sure I even deserved the chance to try.

I bowed my head, burying it in my hands to hide the tears that were beyond threatening anymore. No one had seen me cry in years, not even my parents. It just wasn't me. No one was privy to this side of me. But I was completely helpless to stop them. " I'm so sorry. " I sobbed, though it was muffled by my hands. " I can't believe I finally got you back and I screwed it all up already. "

She didn't say anything. I had no idea what she was thinking. I certainly couldn't look at her, but I could feel her eyes on me. " Could you just go, please ? " Her voice was so cold and distant, I knew she was fighting back tears as well.

I tried to mask my sniffle with a cough and I batted at my eyes with the back of my hand. Then I stood and walked out of her room.

I started to go to my room. To shut the door behind me and throw myself onto the bed. But I couldn't. I needed someone. It was funny. I was always there for everyone else. I was the shoulder to cry on. The guy that cheered everyone one else up. I was the bold, fearless leader that never showed sign of weakness. Now I felt weak. I felt weak and hopeless and I knew there was no way I was going to be able to pretend that losing her this time was no big deal. I wouldn't be able to blow this off.

I went down the hall and knocked softly on Rusty's door. As soon as he opened it, he took one look at me and pulled me inside.

The look on his face said I looked as bad as I felt. " You told her about Rebbecca. " He said quietly sitting down on the bed beside me.

I nodded. " I didn't have a choice. I had too. " I took a deep breath. " She told me to go, so I'm going to in the morning. "

" She kicked you out. How could she do that ? You weren't even with her when you slept with Rebbecca. She can't blame you for that. " " He protested, his voice growing louder with every word.

" She said she isn't mad about that. She's mad because I didn't' tell her sooner. " I explained.

He looked like he swallowed something that tasted very bad. " Well, you probably should have. "

" I would really appreciate it if you could just be on my side right now. " I snapped, dragging my hands through my hair.

" You want me to lie to you ? " he asked, unsure of how he could help.

" You know, I sit and I listen to everyone in that damn house moaning and groaning about this girl or that girl. I pat their backs and I tell them it'll be okay. I get them drunk and take their minds off things for a while. I sit beside them while they're puking their guts up. " I was in a full rant now and there was no stopping it. " I take care of everyone. I make sure everyone is okay. When you need something, who do you go to ? "

He didn't answer immediately not sure whether it was rhetorical or not. " You, Cap. We all go to you whenever we need anything. " He almost whispered.

" Exactly. Everyone ends up on my doorstep eventually. But right now, I need some support. I need something. I never ask for anything. Do you think you could just be supportive right now, instead of pointing out what an obvious, undeserving asshole I am ? " I was practically yelling and I instantly felt bad as I saw the look on his face.

I hadn't meant to take anything out on him. That isn't why I came to him.

" I'm sorry, Russ. I didn't mean to yell at you. "

He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. " If yelling at me is what you need to do, yell away. I can take it. "

I looked over at him and saw that he was wearing a small smile, one full of concern and I, was almost positive, pity. This is why I never break down in front of other people. That look. I hated that look. I got it a lot growing up, from my grandparents when they took me in because my parents were leaving. I got it from my neighbors all time. From the other kids in the neighborhood. I didn't have the most normal childhood. We were vegetarians, we grew our own food. My mother made most of our clothes. People avoided my parents for the most part. They weren't just hippies, they were extreme hippies. And no matter what I said, I just couldn't convinced everyone that I was happy with my life. That I didn't need their pity. Still, I got that look constantly.

" I should go. I shouldn't have bothered you. " I said, standing.

" No, you should stay. " Rusty insisted. " I want to help. And you can't leave tomorrow. "

I sighed. " I have to. I can't stay here. Casey hates me. "

" She doesn't hate you. She's just angry. She'll get over it. "

There was a quiet knock on his door and I sat on the bed while he answered it.

" Is Cappie with you ? I need to talk to him. " Casey voice flowed into the room and I stood and came to the door.

" Can we talk ? " she asked, her tone was terse and angry.

I nodded solemnly and followed her down the hall and into my room, ready to let her yell at me, to scream and cuss and punch me if she felt like it.

" Okay, " she gave me a spiteful smile as she shut my door behind me. " You can't leave. It would upset the entire house, ruin Christmas. I don't want that. "

I shook my head. " I'm sorry, Casey, But I can't stay. I can't stand you looking at me like that. "

" Yes, you can. And you will. " She argued. " My parents don't deserve this. They've worked really hard to make this a nice holiday, especially my mother. If you like them as much as you say you do, then you'll stay. "

" I don't see how my staying here with you hating me is going to make them happy. " I pointed out.

She stepped around me and sat primly down on the bed, crossing her legs. Her back so straight it looked like it was about to break. She was wearing a robe that was the same color as the nightgown I knew she still wore underneath. Her huge, beautiful green eyes flashed daggers as she looked at me.

" You lied to me. " she answered after a moment of silence. " You have never lied to me before. And don't give me that, technically I didn't lie, I just didn't tell you the whole story. That's bullshit and you know it. Lying is lying. Let's not argue the point. "

I moved to the chair and flopped down. " I wasn't going to. You're absolutely right. I lied to you. You have every reason to hate me. "

Her eyes softened for a moment. It was just a flash and she pulled her armor of anger back in place so quickly I almost missed it. " My point is, you lied. If we continue with this, Christmas will be ruined for my entire family. So I'm asking you to lie again. "

My eyes flew to her face. " About what ? "

" I want you to stay here and pretend that everything that happened just now, didn't happen. " She explained. " At least as far as my family is concerned. "

I shook my head. " That is never going to work. Your father will catch on by the end of breakfast tomorrow. "

" Cappie, " she leaned forward. " I've spent the last year and a half of my life pretending everything was fine. Pretending I was happy and not miserable. I can do this, I promise you. "

Her words hit me like she had slapped me. I hated to think that she really had spent all that time trying to be something she wasn't. I hated to imagine how much pain she had gone through as she built her make believe world around herself.

" And you've done the same thing. You put on this show for everyone to see so no one would know you were miserable. So I know you can do this, too. We both pretend. We both lied to everyone. " Her voice cracked a little and she looked away from me. " And we are both really good at it. "

" Rusty knows. " I told her lamely, though I could feel the tears stinging my eyes again.

" Rusty knows we are talking. Tomorrow we'll tell him we worked it out and everything is fine again. "

" He isn't going to believe that. "

" He will because like I said, we are both really good liars. " She laughed mockingly. " Hell, when this is over maybe we should look into the drama department. "

The joke didn't seem as funny to me. I certainly wasn't laughing. " And when will this be over ? "

She looked like she thought it was the stupidest question I'd ever asked. " When we get back to school."

I thought about what she was suggesting. She was right. I didn't want to ruin this holiday for her family. It would be wrong. And I couldn't live with the thought that I had caused it. But pretending to be together. Holding her, touching her, kissing her when I knew she was shuddering inside every time she felt my hands on her. I wasn't sure I could live with that either.

" I'm leaving the day after Christmas. " I told her finally. " We can get through the holiday, but I'll make an excuse and be gone after that. You won't ever have to see me again. "

Again there was that flash. Her hand strayed to the leather cord around her neck and she nodded. " I'll need to keep this until we return to school though. "

" Keep it. I'll never want to give it to anyone else. " I said quietly. My eyes were stinging. She was blinking so rapidly I knew hers were too. " I'm sorry I messed everything up so badly. "

I felt bad for saying it because the moment the words left my lips, she was crying. She stood and retreated to the door. " Well you did. And you can't take that back now. "

I stood and reached out to her, stopping her before she could leave. She looked down at my hand on her arm, then back at my face. " Okay, there are rules. " she breathed. " Out there you can touch me all you want. I expect you to, in fact. In here, behind this door, keep your hands off me. "

I shuddered and quickly retracted my hand. He face was so cold and unforgiving, I shrank away from her.

" I'm going to change. Then I'll be back. " she turned towards the door.

" You're coming back ? " I asked, shocked.

" If Rusty is going to believe that we worked everything out. We should probably sleep in the same room, don't you think ? "

I nodded slowly. She was right, of course. " I'll sleep in the chair. "

She leveled with me a poisonous stare. " Yes, you will. "

Then she turned and left the room.

I fell into the chair and toed off my shoes. Then I pulled the shirt over my head and let it land in a heap on the floor. It was going to be a really long night. And I was certain there would be no sleeping.

Letting my eyes drift closed, I imagined where I would be in this moment if I hadn't confessed to her. I could see myself wrapped in her arms, surrounded by her as we lay together on her pink bed, in her pink room. She was looking up at me with such love and adoration in her eyes. Giving me that look she reserved only for me. I had taken that look away. I wiped it from her face forever. I knew she would never be able to look at me like that again.

I wanted to hit something. Anger bubbled up from the depths of my stomach and I wanted to lash out at something, anything. Mostly I wanted to hit me. I was angry at myself. I wished I could blame someone else. That would have been easy. Then I would have had a place to direct the rage that I felt. But the only person here that screwed up was me. There was no one else.

I heard the door open and close again, then the soft click of the lock. I didn't open my eyes, didn't look at her. I had had enough of seeing the hatred in her face for one night.

She turned out the light and I heard the rustle of the blankets as she slid into my bed. Then she sighed softly. " I want you to know that I appreciate you staying. You don't have to. I know that. So thank you."

I looked at her, opening my eyes to her find her looking back at me. " I'll do whatever you want me to. I just want to make this up to you. "

She shook her head. " I'm not sure that's even possible. "

Her words stung and I wiped at my eyes quickly. " I'm going to try. "

She sat up quickly. " How could you, Cappie ? How could you do this ? I mean, Rebbecca. "

" I know. " I whispered. " I really don't know how it happened. " I shifted, trying to find a comfortable position. I wanted explain to her that Rebbecca wasn't that bad really. She was just a mixed up girl with a lot of problems, trying to find her place. But I suspected it was the last thing Casey wanted to hear at the moment.

" Well try to explain it to me, because I honestly can't see how you can say you never stopped loving me, yet you had sex with a girl who hates me so much. " She stated, crossing her arms over her chest.

" Do you have any idea how it felt to see you take Evan's Lavaliere that night ? Especially after everything with the paper and all. Can you even imagine what that did to me ? " I began, wanting her to know how I was feeling.

" So you had sex with Rebbecca to get back at me ? "

I smiled. " I'm not Evan. I don't do shit like that. I wasn't trying to get revenge. "

" Then what ? Why ? "

" I needed someone. I needed to feel like someone wanted me. Rebbecca and I spent a little time together working on a project. I thought maybe she liked me. And I mean I thought she liked me, not the guy that's the President of a Fraternity, or the Life of the Party. I thought she liked me because she got to know me. "

She was staring at me. I couldn't read her face, couldn't tell what she was thinking. So I continued. "Do you know how long it's been since I let anyone get to know me ? "

She looked away and shook her head. " No, "

" About a year and a half. " I answered. " You say I'm a great liar. You don't know the half of it. I never let anyone in. I never let them see who I really am. "

" It really sounds like your blaming me for that. " she countered.

" Maybe I am. I'm starting to think that somewhere in my subconscious I decided it would be easier to hide, to pretend to be something I'm really not. "

" You have never pretended to be anything other than what you are. " she argued.

" Oh yes, I have. I've pretended to be happy. I've pretended that it doesn't kill me every time I see you and Evan together. I pretended that I wasn't miserable all the time because you left me. " I nodded. " I pretend all the time. "

Shae laid back down and pulled one of the pillows to her chest. " I know how hard that is. " she whispered quietly.

I laughed ironically. " Yeah, I know you do. "

" Why did you have to lie to me ? Why couldn't you just tell me the truth ? " She asked into the darkness.

I sighed and rubbed my hand over my eyes. " Because I was trying to hold on to you for as long as I could. "

" That's kinda ironic. " she whispered into the darkness. " You lost me because you were trying to hold on. "

I had already realized that bit of wisdom on my own. I really thought that the universe was finally leaving me be. I thought I was getting a break. Now I realized that that wasn't the case at all. The Universe was fucking with me all along. This time it just needed a little time to set the stage.