January 27, 2138 (Afternoon)
It's great that Tad woke up, but he apparently isn't out of the woods yet. He needs to eat and he's having problems doing that. We don't have a way of giving him intravenous nutrients. He seems to be having a hard time staying awake for very long and the way that he's acting is strange. At first I thought it was all a good thing. He was smiling a little and talking. But it isn't that he's talking that's the problem. It's what he's saying. I didn't even catch it at first, but the first things out of his mouth were that he didn't remember what had happened. I blew it off as though it was because his head was under the water and he couldn't know. Then I could tell that he couldn't remember several things that he should have. Then when he wanted us to move in closer and started squinting I knew there was something more. He's not seeing correctly and there isn't a superficial reason for it that we can see. Moving in closer like he wanted, I could look right into his eyes. Besides his paleness and the cuts and bruises around them I didn't see anything wrong with them. Yet he can't seem to see properly out of them. I hope it's temporary.
After leaving Tad this morning, Tommy and I went off to patrol the trail. As we walked together and I looked off to the side and through the woods, it all brought back what had taken place a couple of days ago. I wasn't left with that much time to think about it, though. There were other things that needed to be talked about. Tommy wanted to talk about them too.
Once he felt like we were far enough away to speak without anyone hearing us, he said, "Amber, we have to do something. I respect your dad and all, but I can't agree with letting someone take his virus and give themselves over to the machines to activate it. I'm tired of the pain and losing people. Watching people suffer. Watching people rush off, knowing that they're rushing off to suffer more. There has to be a way to give them the virus without throwing one of us to them to do it."
"I want it all to stop too, but I don't know what to do. There's this part of me that wants to take it myself and use it on them," I replied.
"I know. I want to also. Every time I look at Tad and know that if the city were free of the machines that we might be able to just walk him into any one of the hospitals and get him help, I want to. Each time Mom gets brought up or I think about her, I want to take it and use it on them. Every time I think about you in the church…," Tommy said.
"Every time that you walk away and leave me to think that this will be the last time that I get to see you. Each time I look at little Alan. Each time I see Sarah crying, and your dad. He tries to hide it well, but I see. I just don't want any of you to hurt anymore," I told Tommy.
Tommy replied, "You see? That's how I feel too. I don't want to lose anyone else. And both your father and Kimberly are determined to use it themselves. I can't stand back and watch Dave do it and watch you lose your father. But I can't let Kimberly do it either. She saved my brother's life. She might have saved you and Sarah too. We all owe her so much that I can't think of a way to repay her, besides finding another way to keep her from using the virus. But she's acting like she has no reason to not be the one to use it, as though she has nothing to live for. She's like Tad in a way, but focused. Maybe it's her ice queen look, but I don't know if she can be stopped from doing anything that she becomes determined to do."
"Maybe I can talk to her and find a way to make her see something worth living for," I said back to Tommy.
"Maybe. I don't know, though. She seems too focused on what needs to be done rather than anything very personal," Tommy said back to me.
"I think I can at least get her to stop and talk to me. I know that under her focused look is a feeling person. It's just finding something that's still here that she has left to care about," I said.
Tommy replied, "I hope that you can. And I'm not trying to be negative here or doubt what you want to do, but I just don't it working. Whether it works with her or not, she's not the only issue. Your Dad is as well and I can't possibly think of a way to convince him not to use the virus himself. He made it and I'm sure he's not going to allow anyone else to use it besides himself if he can stop it. I might have a way to change things, though."
"How," I asked.
Tommy said, "It's going to sound kind of stupid, and there are so many things that could make my idea fall apart that the list seems endless. But regardless of how stupid it sounds, it's the only thing that I can think of and I want you to take it seriously. Because I'm going to need you to help me if we even want to try it."
"All right. I'm open to anything right now and I can't think of what to do either. At least you have an idea. What is it," I asked.
Tommy went on, "Bear with me then. It's complicated. When we used to live here I could remember some of the things about the city. I was around then too. All around the city are businesses of all kinds. I can remember passing them as we went from one place to another. The small hospital isn't the only thing located on the side of the city that we're closest to, but the other businesses except for the college are farther into the city. The college is actually farther away from the city than the hospital is, being off to the South. Except for some great shelter due to the many buildings that might be there, the college has little to offer. If it's even still around and the machines haven't leveled it by now. However, a little farther into the city there are malls and venues that used to sell things that could be useful to us."
"You're right. This is complicated. What things are you talking about," I asked.
Tommy continued, "Communication devices, clothes, dry foods, more medicine…"
I replied, "Tommy, I don't understand. What else is there and what's your point?"
"Hunting lasers, mannequins," he replied.
"What? Mann…? Oh, wait a minute. You can't be serious, Tommy," I said back to him.
"I told you that I was and I told you that it would sound stupid. At first I though it was too and felt like I was really reaching here. Trust me. I know how it sounds at first. I do, but it's all that I can come up with. Can you honestly say that you can think of anything better right now," he asked me.
"Where did you come up with this," I asked him.
Tommy replied, "Oddly enough I came up with it from Mom. She used to take me shopping with her and I would see them all of the time. Then I remembered one time when she took me to a museum afterwards and showed my how they used to have old mannequins that weren't animated at all. One-hundred years ago or so they were just these life sized figures that were posed and didn't move at all. They were nothing like they are now. They look more real and move like you or I, and they can be programmed to move a certain way. Well, at least they can be programmed to move a certain pattern of ways and then they will start all over again. Some of them have a remote control device that can be used to control them to get them to move as the user wants while they control them. I'm not sure of the distance that the remote ones will work from, but the point is still the same. If we could get one and fool the dreads into digitizing it with the virus our problems would be solved."
"Tommy, you know that I love you and all. But this sounds so complicated that I don't see how it can possibly work. How do you plan on getting one and getting the adults to go along with it," I said.
"I don't plan on getting the adults to go along with it. Well, not all of it. If you think about it though, I think that you can see some benefits to getting the other things that I mentioned if we can get to that area of the city. I think that your father can too if I talk to him. If not and we have to, maybe I can play the Tad card on him and get him to see a reason to go there and retrieve some things," he came back with.
What he was saying bothered me a little, and I said, "I don't like using Tad's condition as a tool to manipulate the adults. Especially Dad. There are still things wrong with Tad and I'm worried about him. This doesn't feel right."
"It isn't right, but neither is allowing one of the others to walk into what could be their doom. The only way this is going to work is if we make them see that there's some kind of a need to go on this venture. Wanting the things that I mentioned and needing them are two different things and the adults won't be convinced to go for them unless they see a need to. If we can convince them that it's needed somehow, it's just a matter of one of us being able to break off long enough to break one down and take it back with us," he said back to me.
"It better break down pretty small if you intend to carry it back here and not let them know of it," I told him.
"They do. We just have to get the adults convinced that we need to go there. You and I can take care of the rest. If not, what other choice is there," he asked.
As lame as the plan sounded, I couldn't think of another option. As I stood there trying to think of one he spoke up again saying, "There isn't one. It's all that we have and I'd rather do it than nothing. Even if it doesn't work we can know that we tried. And I would rather look stupid and lose someone's trust than watch them sacrifice themselves for their idea that might not work any better than ours. So you go see what you can do with Kimberly and I'll see what I can manage with your father. Agreed?"
"All right. I'll see what I can do, but I don't like this. I want your plan to work, but I don't like playing around with someone's feelings to get something done," I told Tommy.
"I don't either, and I don't want to do this any more than you do. I like Kim, and your father is like a second father to me. With him around it's like I have two instead of one. I feel like he respects and trusts me. I don't ever want to lose that but it's less important than losing him or her. Or anyone else for that matter. If we had another choice I wouldn't think about doing this myself, but there isn't one," he said back to me.
January 27, 2138 (Evening)
We had supper in the lounge earlier. Tommy and I ate slowly and basically stalked the person we wanted to get alone with. Trying not to be obvious was the hard part. Dad and Kim aren't stupid and we couldn't let them have any hint that we were up to something. Kim was easy to get with since she planned on spending time in the tree stand where Tad usually was. Dad was going to patrol the trail with Karl. Tommy better either wait or be really good to make his end work without giving himself away to his father. If Dad didn't catch on to something it was likely that Karl would.
I walked up to the tree stand as Kim was there, looking towards the power plant. Before I got the chance to speak she spoke to me first.
She said, "Hi, honey. I'm sorry that you couldn't come with us the other night. We lit that sucker up like a candle."
"I noticed. It was quite a display from where you're sitting," I said back.
"I wanted to take you too, but you understand why I had to leave you here, right," she asked.
"Yes, I understand. You needed to be fast and I wasn't fast enough then. It's cool," I told her back.
"Karl told me about your previous injury. He's right, you know? You need to allow yourself some time to heal because nobody can see inside of you right now. Since I've met you, you've been throwing yourself into a lot of scrapes that you probably shouldn't have been in. And it hasn't been that long ago that it all happened to you from what I understand. You have to take care of yourself," she said to me.
"So do you," I said.
Kim looked at me as though she was puzzled by what I was saying, and said, "You say that like you think that I'm not."
"Are you? Because if you are I'm wondering why you haven't talked about yourself and how you feel about things much. You know, you live in this world too? An important man once told me that I'm important. Well, so are you," I told her. At this point I started to climb up the tree stand to join her for a while as she responded to what I had said.
"An important man, huh? And who might that be," she replied as I climbed to the top.
"Well, important to me. It was Karl. And why do you do that," I asked.
She replied, "What?"
"Go on talking about anything that you can to keep from talking about you. Why won't you let anyone else in," I asked.
"Maybe because it isn't a good place to be in. And maybe because it might hurt more than help anyone. And maybe because it's just hard for me to do," she said back to me.
"I'm not trying to pry. It's just that you've helped us so much and giving you a friend is the only way that I can think of to pay you back for what you've done for us. I just want you to know that there's someone here for you to talk to also. Besides, it makes it easier for me to talk to you too," I said back to her.
"All right, Amber. I'll answer you one thing that you ask of me. After this I would prefer to come to you with what I have to say on my own," she replied.
"You're sure? You don't know what I'm going to ask. It could be anything. It could be your darkest secret. Something you wouldn't even repeat to yourself," I teased as I was trying to put her at ease.
"I'll give you that one for free. My darkest moment is always when I have to kill someone," she replied. I wasn't quite ready for that kind of a reply and I had to recover my thoughts quickly to keep from losing the moment.
"Yeah, I guess it would be. I wish it didn't have to be that way, Kim," I said back.
"Me too, baby. Me too. But it's not and things aren't that easy. So? What is it that you want me to tell you about," she asked.
"What happened to you? I mean, what really happened that hurt you like you have been. Because all of us see what you want us to see. A stronger woman than we've ever seen before. I mean, when I think of who would rival Dad as far as strength and willpower goes Karl isn't the one that comes to my mind first. It's you. But it's like you have this scar that you hide with this strength too. Was it this Mark that you told me about? Because if it is and you want to tell me about it, I'll listen to you," I asked.
"You're asking for a lot," she replied.
Not letting her change the tone back to being comical again I spoke back to her and said, "Please tell me. I won't share it with anyone if you don't want me to."
"I don't want you to take the wrong message from what I tell you if I do. So you have to hear me out, ok? And I would rather that it stay between us for now," she said.
"I promise I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to," I answered.
"When I was young like you I graduated from school and went into the military. During my time in school I had a boyfriend. Mark. He also graduated and went into the military. Life wasn't a picnic for me when I was younger and he was there for me. My parents were divorced when I was little and Mom and her friend had this habit of picking up the next best things at the local bar. I just figured it was one of another in a long line of boyfriends she would have and tried to go on with my life and ignore it. That's always how things happened in the past and Mom's friend lived with us, so it gave me a little sense of security. They would come and go, and she and her friend would replace them soon after. This time was different. The new boyfriends managed to get my mother hooked on some kind of a drug, and she was hospitalized. During this time her friend went to visit her in the hospital one day and she was there while I was getting out of school early. Mark drove me home and when we arrived we noticed that the door had been broken in. He told me to stay where I was and went running to the door. I couldn't stop him in time as he went in and he found one of the boyfriends there, robbing us since nobody was there to stop them. Mark caught him off guard and was beating the hell out of him, but he didn't know about the other one in the back of the house. He snuck up behind Mark and attacked him to help his friend get free. In the end the second one had cut Mark with a knife and opened a vein in his wrist. He came out on the front porch and his arm was covered in blood. He fell down in front of me and I held him there until help came. It was then that I realized how much I loved him. When you think you're going to lose someone is when it pores out of you," she said.
"I know," I said back to her.
"I know you do. You and Tommy remind me of Mark and me when we were young. Anyway, you allow yourself to get closer than normal when life is bad. And it wasn't good ever, except for when we were together. I thought I was going to lose him right there, and after that and he was safe we went on living like there was no tomorrow. Loving like there was no tomorrow too. We made all of these plans and promised each other so many things. Promises that you never thought that you would be kept from keeping. This is how life is when you make your promises, and then life changes and it takes people away from you while your promises remain there waiting to be kept," she went on as she started to cry.
I reached out and took her hand and said, "We can stop now. I'm sorry, Kim. I didn't want to bring this back up for you."
"No. You agreed to hear me out, and I want you to. I don't want you left thinking that my life is something to learn a lesson from. It's not. It's just that we were so young and let ourselves fall so in love because of our circumstances that we were living most of our lives for tomorrow and not for today. To be responsible in your life you have to think about tomorrow. My mother didn't and she paid for it in the end. But I didn't know that tomorrow there was going to be this war and he was going to fly off one day, and never come home to me. The uniformed soldiers came to me in my barracks and told me he was gone, and I wanted to die. I didn't know how to live without him because he was the only good thing that I had in my life. I promised him we would get married and have this wonderful life. That there would only be him for me. That I would wait for him. Now he's gone and I'm left with all of these promises that I made to him that I can't keep for him. And I didn't know what to do. I guess I was a little like my mother was and turned to some of her habits. Trying to forget about today and thinking it would pass away. It didn't. It just came back again tomorrow and he was still gone. Until I met Carrie and she helped me through some of my issues," she said.
"You deserve to be happy too, Kim. If he were here right now do you think he would want you to be sad and living your life feeling like there's no hope? Wouldn't he want you to find something or someone to make you happy? If he knew that he wouldn't be able to see you again back then, I think he would have told you this himself. And I think you would have told him the same thing if you could have known. You couldn't have known and you didn't do anything wrong. You just gave him someone to love while he was here. That doesn't mean that you have to live the rest of your days alone and regretting the promises that you made back then. If he could be here with you, you would keep them. He can't, and he wouldn't want you to waste the rest of your days trying to," I told her. I really didn't know what else to say to her and that was the first things that came to my mind.
"Carrie said pretty much the same thing to me. I heard her and here I am. But it hurts and I miss him every day. So, don't worry so much about what you're going to do in life tomorrow that you forget about what you're doing today. Don't wait for tomorrow to do things that you need to do today. Tomorrow can be farther away than you think. And it might not ever come if you wait for too long to do the things you should be doing now. Don't become like me, "she said.
"What? Don't become a strong, courageous woman like you that fights back her demons and doesn't give up," I asked.
"I did give up. Once," she went on.
"When you were alone and thought that you had nobody to turn to. Now you do. If you let me I'll be there for you. The rest of us will be too. You know, Karl could shed some tears with you like you wouldn't believe. You know, his wife Gina is gone too. She has been for years and he hurts every day too. He needs someone to talk to about it once in a while, like you might. He tries to close it all off inside of him so that he can be strong for the boys, which he does well. But you're not alone and it might be good for him to hear that he isn't either," I told her.
"Really? Was she pretty," she asked trying to change the subject again.
"Hell yeah, she was. How do you think her sons got so good looking?"