January 29, 2138 (Morning)

Finally had a good nights sleep. Which is good because tonight is my night to stay up on watch. Oh joy. Another cold night with the temperature being lower than it is in the evening. Oh well. It's my turn.

Things were a little different this morning. I went to the lounge and found Sarah there by herself. It's been a long time since her and I have had some time to just be sisters and talk. It had been so long that it felt strange and I didn't know how to start talking to her at first. So I decided that maybe I should remind her that there wasn't that much talk that was really that necessary between us. So, as she sat there I came behind her and gave her a hug. Then I started talking to her first.

"I'm happy for you," I said to her.

"I'm happy for both of us," she said back.

"Yeah, me too. But you'll have to excuse me if I'm not used to you being so grown up yet. I'm trying, but it's going to take me a while," I said.

"Me? Have you looked in the mirror lately? I haven't got anything on you," she replied.

"No, I haven't looked in the mirror lately because I've been too busy breaking them," I said back to her. Thinking of it as a joke I hadn't realized what saying what I had meant to her and she went silent on me. Then it hit me that I just reminded her of what Cane had done, not gave her something to laugh about. I looked back at her and she started wiping her eyes as I said, "Sarah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to be funny. I'm sorry."

Even after saying this she couldn't seem to say anything as she sat there trying to hold it all in. I felt like I had cut her with this huge knife as she sat there falling apart, and all that I could do is hold her and keep telling her that it's all right. As I was doing this Kim walked in and caught on right away that something was very wrong with Sarah, and she came over and started trying to help me calm her down.

"Hey, what's this about? Why are you crying, Sarah? I thought things were better now," she said to her as I kept holding her.

"It's everything," she finally got out.

Trying to alleviate how she was feeling, Kim said, "Could you be a bit more specific about some of what everything actually is? Because I'm pretty sure that Amber didn't cause all of this, did she?"

"I think it has something to do with Cane," I told Kim.

Kim looked at me and then back to Sarah and asked her, "What about him?"

"I keep seeing him. In my sleep. I feel like he's around every corner. Hiding in the trees. And I can't get away from him," she said as she kept crying. I had no idea that she had been holding all of this in all of this time. Kim glanced back at me for a second as though she were giving me an opportunity to chime in, then she took over again.

"Baby, he's gone. He's not coming back, ever," she said as she took Sarah's hand in her own and looked her in the eyes as she said it.

"I know that I'm being crazy, but it feels like he's everywhere. Waiting to hurt me. And you and Tad. I'll lead him back to you and he'll hurt you too. And it'll be my fault," she cried.

"He can't come back, Sarah. He's dead. There is no coming back for him again, "I said trying to reassure her.

Kim had picked up on more of what she had said than I had and started talking to her again, saying, "What he did isn't your fault, Sarah. You didn't do anything wrong. Did you ask him to be fixated on you? No, you didn't. You didn't even talk to him. There's nothing that you did to ask for or deserve what Cane did to you. You have to know that."

"Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to…," Sarah said as she lost the words to finish.

"Tried to what, Sarah? Look pretty? Maybe you shouldn't have brushed your hair that morning? Maybe you should have walked differently? Looked differently? Tried to look unattractive so that he wouldn't have been tempted by you? Sarah, what do you think we're all fighting against here? We're fighting against those that would take our freedoms away. Cane is no different in that respect than the biodreads. He wanted to control you like the machines do. It wasn't because you chose to get up one morning and look good for the day. And you weren't the first girl that he tried to control. You were just the last. Don't you see? You have every right to look and feel the way that you want to without having to tolerate someone trying to hurt you for it like you're asking for it. You're not," she said as Sarah quieted down some.

"But Tad is hurt because of…," Sarah said as Kim cut her off in the middle of her sentence.

"Because of Cane, Sarah. Not you. And Cane is dead for one reason. Because of Cane, and nothing else," Kim said with conviction.

"He's gone, Sarah. I promise you. He's gone for good," I said trying to support what Kim was doing.

"What about Tad? What if he dies," she asked as she started crying again as it seemed like everything that could possibly be wrong was for her.

"He's not going to die. He's fine. He just needs to rest for a while and he'll be all right, "I said as Kim threw in with me and said, "Sarah, we're all ok. He will be too. I promise."

We both held her as she cried for what seemed like hours.

January 29, 2138 (Evening)

I still couldn't believe that I had been so blind to the needs of my own sister. I still can't believe how I could have missed all of the hopelessness she was hiding from us and not known. Maybe I let myself get too tied up in Tommy's plan and making it work that I wasn't paying enough attention to her to notice.

Speaking of Tommy he came to my room this evening. He told me that Dad has reluctantly agreed that the idea Tommy has is good enough to try, but he has to work out the details of it all. He asked me about Sarah too. Kim must have mentioned her breakdown this morning to him and he seems concerned for her. He asked me if I wanted him to try to talk to her about it all, but I thought that maybe we should give her some room and not keep bringing it up to her. I hope that what we said will get through to her. She has to stop letting what Cane did hurt her and scare her like he's still here. He's not and never will be again. I don't know. Maybe if I hadn't seen Kim kill him with my own eyes I wouldn't believe that he was gone either. Still, she has to come out of this. Maybe if Tad starts improving more she'll be able to get beyond it. Until then I'll have to keep more of an eye on her.

If not for what happened with Sarah this morning I would have been able to apologize to Kim for my stupidity yesterday. I still need to tell her that I'm sorry. It'll have to wait until tomorrow though. I have to get ready for my shift tonight and I want to see little Alan for a while before he falls asleep. I just want to see something good out of today instead of looking at how bad everything can be.