Amanda sat down in the blessed silence of the main living area. The sun laid on the other side of the house, leaving the room in shaded, cooler light.
A shadow appeared in the open archway. She didn't even need to look.
"Will you please stop skulking around my house! You could at least make some noise instead of sneaking up on me! Stop walking around like a ghost--" That word reminded her that Saavik could die very soon, and she choked on a sob.
Saavik stayed silent, then spun away, leaving. Amanda almost called to her, but she was gone.
It's better this way. Really, it is.
She suddenly heard a noise by the courtyard entrance, and then another. She made a noise between another sob and a laugh.
The first noise was the large vase on the floor by the door. The second was the rattling of the House seal against the wall. A third noise and then a fourth until finally Saavik appeared again in the archway.
"Was that more satisfactory?" she asked.
No, don't! Don't make me forget what you did.
Amanda inhaled a calming breath, but her eyes shone with held back tears. Angry tears. "Yes."
"I thought you would go to the garden."
The garden, like any garden on Vulcan, was meant to soothe, create peace and harmony for the mind and spirit. Amanda couldn't take her turmoil there; she didn't want to be calmed down. She wanted... She wanted...
"I told you to stay away from me."
Her harsh words earned a faint, "I know."
The shaded light must have caused the hollows in Saavik's cheeks and the shadows under her eyes. Phase III was too new to show such harsh signs. Some of Amanda's rage blurred. "You knew I told you to stay away, but you didn't listen."
"...I... No."
"Saavik--"
She flung out her hand as she yelled, but Saavik misunderstood and thought she was being called closer. She knelt before Amanda like a supplicant before the High Priestess T'Lar, and Amanda felt rather than saw the bare quiver in the formal pose, like a fawn before the hunter, waiting to be rescued or slaughtered.
"Tell me I misheard what Jim said to you."
Saavik's head barely shook in a no. "You did not."
The soft answer hurt, because it destroyed Amanda's last hope that she was wrong. "You were going to murder Valeris."
"No."
"You just told me it was true!"
"I did not go to Valeris with the intention of killing her. I do acknowledge that I thought it might be a possibility. Rrelthiz came with me for that reason. So I may have her judgement, clear of any bias and the disease."
"Rrelthiz is completely biased in your favor!"
"No, Amanda. Rrelthiz will never commit an act of dishonor, not even for my sake. And I would not want her to do so."
"And that's how you justify murder? Because the Carreons say it's all right?"
"It appears harsh to you, but their culture--"
"Don't twist things around! I know not to judge another culture by my standards, but you're not Carreon! You say you're Vulcan, but you do this!"
"I did not attempt to murder Valeris. I did not even utter the threat."
"But could you have done it?"
Saavik took a long second before she answered. "Possibly."
Amanda didn't know she cringed further into the settee until she saw the shutter come down over Saavik's face. "Just like that, you could kill someone."
"No. Not 'just like that'."
"But you could? Judge if someone should live or die, and then kill them?"
"If... I thought it necessary, yes. Amanda, a Vulcan will kill if there is a reason."
"Stop justifying it! You can't! You can't say killing is necessary."
And then like she had done so many days ago when Amanda had sat in her hospital room and told her she couldn't guarantee she'd make Spock safe from Valeris' charges, Saavik said, "Yes, I can. But it was not necessary in this case. That is why I did not do it."
"But you thought about it. And you've done it in the past?"
Some of the straight line in those shoulders fell. "You know my past."
Even Amanda paused at that reminder. "Not then. Since then."
"Amanda, I did not kill Valeris."
"And I said she didn't have your heart. I was wrong." She wished she could cry. Or scream again. Something, some release. She stared at Saavik, at this sudden stranger. "I don't know you."
The quiver became mutely visible, no longer just felt in the air. "Amanda. I did not go to Valeris that night to kill her. I thought of the possibility, I have acknowledged it. I asked for Rrelthiz so I would not allow what I learned of Valeris' betrayal, or the influence of Phase II, to cause my surrender to that possibility. I suspected Valeris abused a meld in some fashion to gain the information she needed for her deceptions, and I could use that admission to save Spock."
"Do not bring my son into this."
Saavik took a deep breath and nodded. "Those were my only actions that night. That was all."
The look was so much different than Spock's when he had stood, waiting to see her reaction to his forcing a meld on Valeris. And if she had told Spock to stay away from her, he'd have stayed away. But then, Spock was her child and Saavik was not. And that's what it came down to, what Saavik was already thinking. Their friendship lasted only as they wanted to keep it, and judging by the kneeling figure in front of her, Saavik thought Amanda was ending it now.
Was she? She didn't know what she wanted, except not to know this thing she now knew.
Not understanding why she did it, she reached out to cup that dark head in front of her. Some human need to touch, to be reassured. In the shock of her life since Sarek first told her he wanted her, she watched as Saavik actually leaned forward and laid her head and shoulders on Amanda's lap. Saavik let herself be held.
Did she sense my need? They were close enough for Saavik's telepathy to pick up the thought.
Amanda touched the bowed head with hesitant fingers, then a long, pent up breath rushed out, finally escaping. She wrapped her arms around the Vulcan in her lap. A faint tremor ran through the young woman's body. She didn't cry or show any sign of emotion, just the tremor and a tenseness like a wild thing poised at an upcoming storm.
"I am sorry," came the whispered words.
"I know," Amanda answered. She did know, but she too was ready to shake.
Amazing how that normally strong voice could sound small. "Is there anything I can do?"
Amanda wanted to smile, but she wasn't ready. Too drained, and Saavik wouldn't see it anyway. "Move back here. I'm scared with you out there alone in your house."
"I do not understand."
"I was going to ask you when I overheard..."
The tremor became tension. Saavik poised for rejection again.
"I'm afraid for you, Saavik." She was. It came back to her in a rush, just how very afraid she was. "I know how important your home is to you, what it means. But I'm afraid. Whoever's behind this keeps finding new ways to hurt you. I don't want you alone so that he can convince you to go out into the desert or figure out some new sickness like he did with Jdehn and Mekhai."
"Returning here does not necessarily prevent such attacks from occurring. My going into Phase III thirteen months early is evidence of it."
Amanda bit her lip at that. "You asked me if there was anything you could do."
A warm breath in a sigh, acknowledging defeat. "You are manipulating me."
"Yes, I am. Will you do it?"
"Yes." No hesitation there, but now a beat of silence punctuated the plea in, "Amanda..."
She touched the dark head. "I wouldn't ask you to move in if we weren't all right."
She still felt sick inside when she thought of-- But she had answered her previous question. She wasn't letting Saavik go.
The faint tremor in the long body eased; so did the tight lines. In a few moments, another miracle: Saavik fell asleep in her lap. Not believing it even as she saw it was true, Amanda braced herself to make no movement, and Sarek found them this way.
His eyebrows went up, but he said nothing about the unexpected sight. "My wife, Dr. McCoy thought you may be in some need. Are you well?"
She almost said nothing about it to him. Saavik and Sarek kept a distance between them that they at last seemed to be closing. She didn't want to ruin that, but she felt the whole thing bubbling up even as she clutched Saavik. In a hoarse whisper, she told him what had happened, what she overheard Kirk say. Sarek only nodded.
"You knew what she did!" Amanda accused.
"Yes, I did."
"How!" Saavik twitched under her hands, so Amanda lowered her voice before she hissed the question again.
"In preparation for Valeris' tribunal, I reviewed all the essential information, including the security tapes of her discussion with Saavik."
"How can you be so calm about it? You can't approve of it!"
"Amanda, I can neither approve nor disapprove of an action that did not occur."
"But she thought she might do it. That's the reason she took Rrelthiz with her."
"In watching the security footage, yes, I saw the undercurrent of it. And I watched Saavik and Rrelthiz reject it. Nor have I ever heard Saavik saying such an action would be correct, only that she saw a possibility of doing it and would have taken the repercussions if she had."
"Something so wrong."
"Yes. Did she tell you killing Valeris was not wrong?"
No, she hadn't. Amanda made her fingers stop playing nervously with Saavik's hair, but they only fretted against her palm. "You weren't so casual when you found out Spock... forced a meld."
Some of that terrible hurt from when they learned it was true, stiffened Sarek. "Spock is guilty of a crime, Saavik is not. If the situation were different, so would be my reaction." He forced calm over himself with an effort that, most likely, only Amanda would have noticed. "While you defended Spock and condemn Saavik."
"I didn't defend what he did! I just--" She stopped in real pain.
The deep brown of Sarek's robes matched his eyes, so warm and so steady. "My wife, you are not capable of a negative judgement against Saavik for a thought she did not act upon. What truly disturbs you?"
"That she -- that she thought of it at all. That she could even consider..."
"That she is capable of violence?"
"That makes no sense, does it?" Saavik was in Starfleet. Starfleet had to defend the Federation, violently at times. For Saavik's duties in the border patrol, that violence was almost commonplace. And she had been right when she said even a Vulcan would kill if needed. But it wasn't even that.
"On the contrary, my wife, I find it very understandable. I have known for many years that you have romanticized Saavik's past."
"Romanticized?" She didn't even notice that he hadn't given the exact number of years to the day.
"I have read it in Terran literature. The feral child brought to civilization. The orphan abandoned to a difficult survival rising to a prominent status. The primitive traits harnessed for domesticated means. You spoke highly of Saavik's defending you against Mekhai."
At the restaurant. She had delighted in the way Saavik stood up to Mekhai, and truth to tell, she still did. Protecting her that night had been necessary. What she had heard about that confrontation with Valeris...
"I suggest, my wife, that you are facing the reality rather than the abstract."
"Sarek... what do you really think?"
His voice, already kept low, nevertheless still softened. "My opinion is of no help to you, Amanda. It is strictly Vulcan."
"Don't say that. I know you wouldn't have done the same thing in her place."
"You think not? Do not look so surprised, my wife. You forget your first calling the Kahs-wan brutal and cruel, let alone Koon-ut Kali-fee. And yet, I have not seen you against the traditions since you learned why they exist."
"But this--"
"Amanda, if I was in plak tow? With someone I trusted vaunting their betrayals of me, of how he deliberately took all that was of importance in my life because he believed he deserved those things and I did not--"
"Valeris said that?"
"Yes. Amongst many other things. In an interesting footnote for this situation, she noted she was able to end all Saavik's relationships except the one with you. You alone, amongst those tied strongly to Spock, did not leave Saavik for Valeris. Nor did you abandon Spock."
Saavik's back rose slowly and fell in sleep under Amanda's hand. Her warmth covered Amanda like a soft blanket, and Amanda had almost abandoned Saavik over Valeris a few minutes ago. "If we had been with Spock when he received his letter instead of Saavik..."
"You would have questioned her as you did Spock."
"But he didn't tell us he thought Saavik sent him one. If he had -- oh Sarek, if he had, we would have seen Valeris' deception way back then."
He nodded. "A flaw in Valeris' plan. She did not know we were aboard the Aerfen when Saavik received her letter. Valeris must have waited for it to work against her. Perhaps, like Spock, she believed you ended your association with Saavik when it made our son uncomfortable."
"Regardless, my wife, I have given you my point of view. As for a human's, Captain Kirk thought much the same as you do. Dr. McCoy took a different viewpoint. After Captain Kirk's explanation of what you overheard--"
"You knew that I overheard it when you came here!"
"The doctor stated he approved of someone -- to use his words -- 'putting a scare into Valeris' after the damage she has done. I see this viewpoint better agrees with you."
Amanda was smiling. "It does. Don't try to make sense out of it." She glanced down at Saavik, then back up to her husband. "Sarek... you knew Saavik could be that violent, that's why you're not as surprised."
"I have seen her capacity for it, yes."
"Because you were on the Symmetry team, you went to Hellguard."
"Correct."
"Maybe I should watch that security tape. It seemed to work for you."
Sarek's eyebrows drew together. "Amanda. I would prefer you do not view it. It contains information Saavik has kept private, and should remain private until she chooses to reveal it. I should have surmised this information would be there and not viewed it myself."
She glanced up at her husband from the top of her eyes. "You know, this makes me want to see it even more. What could be so secretive that Valeris would tell -- the letter! You know what's in the letter Valeris forged to Spock!"
"Correction. I know the contents of the letter Valeris forged to Saavik."
"And I can't know?"
"Only if Saavik chooses to tell you. Amanda, it is private."
Something told her that should be a clue to the letter's contents, but she couldn't figure it out. Not now. Perhaps later, when she would go to the garden and settle her mind.
Amanda looked down again at the sleeping woman in her lap. "She may never tell me. Saavik is like that--a black hole of secrets." She gave silent thanks that their whispers had not ended that much needed sleep. "And this secret made you change your opinion of her? That's how you can accept the -- the violence?"
"My wife..." He stopped a moment in thought, folding his hands in the same gesture Spock had inherited. "All beings have the capacity for violence. I saw Saavik's, due to her childhood, as we returned on the Symmetry, and I hesitated to put that violence near our son."
"You were afraid for Spock."
"Amanda, it may be best if you refrain from commenting until I finish. Because of my hesitation, affected by the events on Hellguard, I did not believe Saavik could overcome the dominant place violence held in her life. When Saavik came with Spock from Genesis for his fal tor pan, I saw I had been wrong in my assessment of her capabilities."
"Then why did you have a problem with my suggesting she stay with us after that?" She ignored Sarek' s look at her interrupting again. "Oh. I see. You were afraid for me."
"I grant I did not want you harmed. Saavik is not like the others you aid. I saw her accomplishments, I saw the strength, determination, and intelligence it took to gain them. But there, my logic faltered. I still questioned her overcoming her past and not harming you."
His admitting to it touched Amanda's heart. She held out a hand and he took it, swallowing it in the warmth of his larger one, then brushing his fingertips across her palm and over her own fingers.
"You protected us," she whispered.
He nodded. "I have since learned my concern is unfounded. My protection was not needed. More so, I owed her my respect. I see why both you and Spock never doubted she would accomplish what she has. In fact, how she has accomplished more than even he expected. She has surprised him."
Amanda grinned to herself, recalling Spock's expression when Saavik glided into the ShiKahr ceremony, on seeing her belongings, on discovering her home. "Surprised him indeed."
"Are you less disturbed, my wife?"
She felt better, definitely better. She'd figure out why later. "Thank you, Sarek."
He only looked back, and she took a deep breath as she read his eyes. She loved him so much.
Sarek looked down at Saavik. "Interesting."
Saavik's face still held the same serenity all Vulcans had in sleep, but her body language had changed. She pressed against Amanda, curling around her legs and shifted as much of her upper body as could fit in the petite lap.
"Sarek, look. She's a cuddler."
Sarek closed his eyes in another attempt for patience, Amanda noted warmly. "She does not 'cuddle', Amanda. She reverts to her formative years need for warmth and security."
But it was getting hard to sit in the same position under Saavik's dense Vulcan weight. "Sarek, help me move her up, so she can stretch out next to me."
"Amanda, I must point out you have missed the obvious, logical solution." In a louder voice, he called "Saavik!"
She jolted awake, leaping to her feet, taking in everything and everyone around her. Her eyes widened when she realized she had fallen asleep, and with the subtle shifts in the body that Vulcans gave, Amanda saw she was ready to apologize for it.
"Amanda and I have kept the room you used previously when you lived here," Sarek said. "Go there and rest."
Saavik shifted, smoothing the lines out of the sleeveless shift and restoring her bearing. "I am gratified by your hospitality, Ambassador. However, I do not require further sleep and will rejoin the investigation efforts."
"Illogical. The fact you slept here displays your need for rest. You must keep your strength to better combat this disease."
Saavik, Amanda was happy to see, didn't bristle and prepare to argue with that tone as she would have in the past. Instead, after a brief, questioning glance at Amanda, she nodded acceptance for Sarek's care and slipped away.
Amanda glared at him for ruining things. "Why didn't you just do like I asked and move her up here?"
"Amanda, clearly you were uncomfortable under her weight. And despite our speaking softly, Saavik would normally never have slept through our conversation. Her body must require sleep and the proper place for it is in the room we have provided."
"I wouldn't have been uncomfortable if you had put her on the lounge! And I didn't care that I was uncomfortable! After all these years, haven't you learned what a moment is?"
"I have indeed." He paired his first two fingers and pressed them to her lips in a Vulcan's kiss.