It had been a week since Casey left my room. I hadn't seen her since. She refused to answer her phone. Rusty, Wade and Beaver blew into my room occasionally, insisting I catch a class or eat something. But for the most part I sat alone, staring out my window at the roof of the ZBZ house and thinking about how badly I had managed to mess everything up.

I had tried to call her a couple of times, wanting her to know how sorry I was for everything and telling her she was completely right. She hadn't done anything to deserve what I had done to her. I left messages, hoping she would listen to them at least.

Rusty came by once to deliver my Lavaliere and it still sat exactly where he had put it on the corner of the desk, mocking me with its presence. I tried my best not to look at it, but my eyes always seemed to come back to it eventually, drawn to it like a horrible accident scene you just couldn't help staring at.

The music and loud talking coming from downstairs told me it must be Friday night. I didn't know for sure, having lost track of the days sometime before. It was an unimportant, mundane thing, the day of the week. I never noticed how little it really mattered before. I didn't care what day it was, what time it was. None of that meant anything. Nothing meant anything to me, when I really thought about it.

I forced myself off the bed long enough to shower and shave, maybe eat something if one of my friends waved food in my face, but then it was right back to the bed, hiding in my comfort zone, tuning everything else out.

At least I knew now that I was right, I would never get over losing her this time. I would never be able to pretend that I was okay again.

Someone was knocking at my door, but I didn't bother to answer. Whomever was disturbing my sanctuary knocked once again, then I heard the door opened. I was laying with my back to it, staring at the opposite wall.

" Cap, You need to get up. " I heard Rusty saying from behind me. But I just couldn't make myself care enough to turn towards him.

He paused for a few moments, I could feel his eyes on me, then suddenly I was being dragged to my feet against my will. Beaver had me by the arms pulling me until I was standing beside the bed.

" You are coming downstairs and getting out of this room for a while. " He told me as he looked down at me.

" I really don't' feel like a party. " I informed them and tried to climb back into bed, but his huge hand on my shoulder held me steady.

" Tough. Get dressed and come downstairs or I'm going to dress you and carry you there. " He said with a matter of fact tone that told me he was dead serious.

" Come on, Guys. I really don't want to go downstairs. I don't want to be around all those people right now. " I was whining and I hated the sound of my own voice.

" Then how about a movie ? " Rusty offered. " Just you and me. We'll go see whatever you want to see. "

I thought about that for a moment then I sighed and shrugged, knowing they weren't going to leave me alone until I agreed to something and this seemed to be the least challenging option.

That was the beginning of my forced attempt to continue on with my life. The rest of January was spent with my friends taking turns babysitting me, insisting I get up and get dressed and do something. Rusty liked to go away from campus. We went to the pool hall together, the movies, a concert once. Beaver and Wade usually stayed closer to home, with nights spent drinking and hanging out and days outside, either playing ball or playing with Fang, despite the freezing weather.

They refused to leave me alone, refused to let me just wallow in my own self misery and I appreciated that, grudgingly.

Occasionally I asked Rusty how Casey was and he would always hesitate before informing me that she was during okay. The election to replace Fran was scheduled for the last week of January and she was working hard to win everyone over to her side. Otherwise she was going to class, staying pretty close to home. She claimed she was too busy to get out much, but Rusty said, he suspected it was more because she was just as miserable as I was. It shouldn't have made me feel better to hear that, but it did and that just gave me one more reason to feel guilty.

It was the first week of February before I finally agreed to attend the first party I'd been to since December. Beaver had determined it was time I got out there again. Started trying to regain the old Cappie. I couldn't make him understand that the old Cappie didn't exist anymore. I was no longer interested in hiding behind the parties and the girls. I just didn't care about all that now. But he refused to listen, informing me that I needed to get laid.

I laughed at that and told him I had no intention getting laid. I really wasn't interested in that particular activity right then. He laughed back at me and said it was only because I hadn't seen what he had to offer me.

So here I was sitting in a chair in the corner of the living room, watching all the people moving around me and forcing myself to smile and pretend I was having a good time. I noticed Ashleigh flitting around and I almost went over to her, but I thought better of it. I didn't need to hear about Casey right then. I didn't want to know how well she was doing, how easily she had managed to regain her life after everything. So I continued to sit there, watching and sipping at my drink half-heartedly.

The next time I saw her she was with Beaver, Hannah and Rusty. They were standing off in a corner with their heads together discussing something that looked dire. I wondered for a moment if my name was coming up in the conversation, especially since every time I looked back at the little group, someone was looking back at me.

Hannah was the first one to break away and she came to sit beside me with an exaggerated sigh and a forced, weak smile.

" How's it going over here in the corner all by your lonesome ? " She asked, sweetly.

I nodded. " It's fine. How have you been ? " I really was curious about how she was adapting to life on campus, wondering how well she was fitting in with everyone.

" I'm good. I haven't seen you around much though. "

" I know. I haven't been around to be seen. "

" So are you almost done ? " She turned and looked me in the eye, leveling me with a no nonsense stare that caught me off guard.

" What do you mean ? " I asked, dropping her gaze and letting my eyes land on the drink in my hand.

" Are you almost done with the pity party ? It really doesn't look that good on you, you know, all the angst and drama. You have one of those faces that should be smiling. "

I chuckled, but kept my eyes on my glass. " I haven't had much reason to smile lately. "

She took my drink from my hand and sat it aside. " Okay, so are you going to continue to do nothing about that ? How's that working for you ? "

" What is it you suggest I do about it ? " I said, trying to get my drink back. But she waved me off.

She pretended to consider that for a moment. " Oh, let's see, " she told me. " You could start by getting off your ass and going to TALK TO CASEY. "

" Casey doesn't want to talk to me. " I informed her. " And I don't blame her. "

She rolled her eyes at me and looked impatient. " Yes, yes, you acted like an asshole. I don't blame her for being mad either. But I bet she's a lot more mad that you haven't even tried to talk to her. You act like you don't want her back. "

I looked away again and let my eyes land on Rusty who was standing across the room watching us closely. " So I take it you drew the short straw. "

She followed where I was looking and shifted a little. " No, I volunteered actually. We're all just really worried about both of you. "

" I heard Casey was doing okay. " I drew my gaze back to her.

" Well, she was. She was doing just fine. Then she won the election and now she just sits in her room unless she has to do something. She doesn't go out. She doesn't want to go to parties. She doesn't want to talk to anyone. She just sits there. Now, Ashleigh was threatened with bodily harm if she told you about this, but she didn't say anything about me telling you. So now you know. What are you going to do about it ? "

I studied her carefully for several long moments, considering my answer. " I guess I'm going to get off my ass and go talk to Casey. "

She smiled. " I was hoping you would say that. Our next plan was to lock you in a room together until you hashed everything out. I thought that was a little extreme. So thank you for saving us the trouble of trying to lure you both into the same place at the same time and finding a lock and all that. It sounded like more trouble than it was worth to me. " She leaned forward and whispered in a conspiratorial

tone, " Besides, how am I suppose to enjoy my new social life if the guy I want is spending all his time babysitting you ? "

She smiled brightly at me. " Who ? " I asked, in the same tone, feeling like a twelve year old girl.

She drew her eyes across the crowd and let them land on my very large best friend. " Beaver ? "

She just shook her head and let out a little giggle. " So if you've got yourself together for the moment, mopey boy, I'm going to get some face time in with a my latest crush. "

I just stared after her as she got up, kissed my cheek and disappeared into the crowd. Yeah, I decided, I really did like that girl.

After going up to my room to change, I headed across campus.

Outside the ZBZ house I was undecided as to what to do next. I could either ring the bell and take the chance that she wouldn't come down to talk to me, which would mean I would have to plow through a bunch of screaming girl and possibly even deal with campus security. Or I could just climb up the trellis and pop into he room unannounced, giving myself at least the chance of seeing her and then possibly having to deal with campus security.

My stomach did a little flip flop at just the thought of catching sight of her. So I chose to take the chance. I hadn't laid eyes on her in a month, there was no way I was going to miss the opportunity to do that, even if it was only just for a moment. Besides maybe seeing me would make her want to hear what I had to say. That was what I was hoping for anyway.

So I scaled up the side of the house, feeling like Spiderman crawling towards my Mary Jane. Yeah, I know, corny but it was the image that was stuck in my mind. My hands grazed over to the wood on the trellis and I almost fell all the way back to the ground as a rather large splinter embedded itself into my palm.

I guess I must have made a noise because the next thing I knew, the balcony door was opening above me and I saw Casey come out, wearing a white gown and robe. Her hair was blowing around her face as the wind caught it and she raised a hand to try and tame it back down. Her eyes scanned the night, looking for the source of the sound and she started as I jumped over the railing, landing with a thud on the floor beside her.

" What the hell are you doing ? You're going to kill yourself, you idiot. " she chided as recognition registered in her eyes.

" I needed to see you and I was afraid you wouldn't come downstairs if I rang the bell. " I explained, completely lost in staring at her.

" Yeah, well, you were right. I probably wouldn't have come down. What do you want ? Or are you just out here to spy on me ? " she had her hand resting on her hip and she was looking at me like she was angry. But I see the strain at the edges of her eyes.

" I have absolutely no excuse for all the things I did to you, except to say that I was so afraid I was going to lose you, I drove myself crazy. "

She turned around and walked back inside. I wasn't sure if I had just been dismissed or if I was supposed to follow her so I just stood there feeling and looking stupid until she stuck her head back out the door.

" Are you coming in or would you rather just stand out there and watch ? " she asked.

I shuffled my feet as I went inside and took the chair across from the bed she offered me. Then she went and sat down in the middle of the bed and looked at me expectantly.

I left my eyes slid around the room for a moment taken aback back it. It was beautiful and so completely Casey. The walls were a light pink. A glass and brass vanity sat on the wall opposite the bed, covered in various bottles and jars, with a large mirror framed with gold filigree casting my reflection back at me. She was looking in the mirror also and our eyes locked for a moment before she turned away and stared down at her hands in her lap. The bed she was sitting on was huge, a four poster brass, with a canopy draped in white gauzy material. Everything in the room scream beauty and elegance, it screamed Casey.

She drew my attention back to her when she shifted slightly and changed position, drawing her legs up beside her. " Why did you come here, Cappie ? "

" I came to see you. I needed to talk to you. " I answered.

" Yeah, you said that. So talk. I'm not sure why, but I'm listening. "

I sat forward in the chair, resting my elbows on my thighs, steadying my hands and trying to figure out what I wanted to say to her. I hadn't really expected to get this far when I left the house, so I hadn't taken the time to decide what I would do if she actually gave me the chance.

" I've missed you. " I said finally.

She sighed heavily. " I've missed you, too. "

" I heard you won the election. Congratulations. "

She stared at me like I was insane for a moment. " Are we really going to sit here and make small talk now ? " she demanded.

I went to the bed and sat beside her. " No, I didn't come here to make small talk. I want you to know how sorry I am. I would do anything to make it up to you. "

She didn't shoo me off the bed so I relaxed a little and turned to look at her. She wasn't happy. Her eyes flashed anger at me and I flinched, bracing myself for the tirade I was sure was about to come.

But instead she just shook her head. " I don't even know what to say. In a weird way I understand. I mean, I did have Ashleigh and Jenn follow Evan. But he gave me a reason to distrust him. I never did. Not once. Why would you even think I wasn't being honest with you ? "

" I don't know, maybe because we spent over a year lying to each other. And I was afraid I was going to lose you again. " I answered.

" I said I loved you. I made sure you knew that you were my choice. I thought I made it pretty clear that I wasn't going anywhere. " she countered.

I took a deep breath and blew it out quickly. " Okay, I'll tell you. You remember the night I found you at the Lite and Easy ? " she nodded. " Watching you walk out the door the next morning was the worse thing I have ever experienced. I was so afraid of having to go through that again. I was afraid that deep down you were just using me again. And I needed to know for sure. "

She blinked at me with an expression on her face that I couldn't read, but I didn't. " How could you even think that about me. " she whispered. " You thought everything this Christmas was just me using you ? You think so little of me, that you believe I'm capable of manipulating you like that ? "

I held my hand out to stop her as tears started to stream down her face. " I didn't think you were purposely using me. That isn't what I meant. Please, Casey. "

I made to move closer to her and pull her against me but she jerked away from me. " Don't ! You really do see me as some evil terrible thing, don't you ? "

I stood and started to pace across the pale pink plush carpet covering the floor. " Of course I don't see you as evil or terrible. "

" Then how could even imagine that I didn't mean all the things I said over the holiday ? " She spat.

I thought back to all the talks we had over Christmas about the future and children and being together forever. My mind drifted back to those feeling of being closer to her than I had ever been to anyone in my life and I couldn't stop the tears that were falling from my eyes this time. I sank back onto the bed beside her.

" God, Casey. I'm so sorry. " I told her without looking at her.

" I knew this was going to happen when we got back here. I knew all the bullshit that goes on around here would ruin us. I expected Evan or Rebbecca would do something to ruin us. I never imagined it would be you. " her voice was small and weak and muffled against her hands.

I turned and saw her there, her knees draw up to her chest, tears running down her cheeks Her hair a messy frame for a face distorted by pain and my heart stopped. I was the cause of that. I had done that to her. Caused her all the pain. There really was no one else to blame once again. Once again it was all me and I wondered if I ever deserved her to begin with.

" I should go. " I said standing and turning from her. " I didn't mean to make things worse. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everything. "

She grabbed my arm to stop me. " That's it. " she spat angrily. " You just come over here, make me even more miserable than I was before, which was, let me tell you, pretty damned miserable, and then you're just going to leave. "

" I don't know what else to say, besides I'm sorry. " I answered.

" Tell me that this Christmas meant something to you as well. I have been sitting her for a month, a solid month waiting for you to show up here, to tell me you were sorry and that you loved me. I was beginning to think that you really didn't care about all this. Rusty refuses to tell me anything about you. Hannah says she never sees you. A few people thought you might have left. Where do you get off, acting like such a jerk and then not even trying to tell me you were sorry. "

I blinked at her in disbelief. " You've been waiting for me to come and apologize all this time ? I tried to call you but you never answered. "

She snorted and rolled her eyes. " You tried to call for the first two days after the fight. I was angry and hurt then. You didn't even make an effort after that. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought you just brushed the whole thing off and moved along with your life. " She paused and cocked her head to the side considering me carefully. " You know what you're problem is ? " she asked. " You're so damned busy waiting for the other shoe to drop that you can't even accept the fact that it might not be there at all. I know exactly what you've been doing. "

I looked away from her, letting my eyes fall to the space separating us. " You might as well sit down. Cause I intend to say what I want to say and it might take a minute. " She told me and I did as she suggested, settling into the spot beside her stiffly.

" You have been sitting over there in your room feeling sorry for yourself and being absolutely convinced that there was no way I would ever forgive me. You didn't even offer me the chance. So who was it ? "

I looked up at her when I noticed she was waiting for an answer. " Who was what ? " I finally mumbled.

" Who convinced you to get up off your ass and come over here ? "

" Hannah, " I answered, so shocked that I barely registered saying the word.

" Oh, don't look like that. I know you, Cappie. I know you better than anyone else in this entire world. Don't you think I know what you must have been going through to sink so low as to spy on me outside my window ? Has it occurred to you that I might understand something about that kind of fearing of losing someone you care so much about ? "

" I'm sorry - " I began but she cut me off.

" Stop telling me you're sorry. I know you're sorry. I know how guilty you feel. Like I said, I've been there. Tell me something besides I'm sorry. " she demanded.

I took a deep breath and turned to her finally letting myself look at her. " Alright. How about, I miss you so much, I can't get out of bed. I feel so horrible about everything I don't deserve to even be in the same room with you. I can't stop thinking about all the things we talked about over Christmas and I want to shot myself for ruining all that. " I began. " I don't expect you to forgive me for any of the things I did. How could I possibly come over here and beg your forgiveness when I can't forgive myself ? "

A slow smile spread across her face. " Well, that's definitely a start. "

I blinked in surprise once again. " What are you saying ? "

" I'm saying that that was all I wanted to hear. You could have saved us both a whole lot of heartache over the last month if you had just come here and told me all of that. Now, do you have more to say or are you done ? " She asked, sliding a little closer to me.

I took one of her hands in mine and held it tightly as I looked up into her eyes. " I promise to never doubt you again. I never should have doubted you to begin with. Tell me what I can do to make this right. "

She nodded. " Okay. Kiss me. "

I was so shocked I didn't move for a minute and she rolled her eyes and gave me another smile. " I'm not going to tell you again. You're about to miss your chance. "

Her words sparked me into action and I dove for her, covering her lips with mine and pulling her so tightly against me neither of us could breath.

When we finally broke apart for much needed air, she pulled away from me slightly. " Promise me there isn't going to be anymore secrets. Promise me that if you ever feel like something is coming between us again, you'll talk to me instead of running around behind my back "

" I promised, " I answered honestly. " I will never even so much as open your junk mail again. I will leave the room every time you're on the phone and I will never, ever, ever hide outside your window again. "

" I need to hear more than that. I need you to tell me you trust me. That you know this is where I want to be and that you don't doubt that anymore. You have to believe me when I tell you I love you and I want you. " She said as her eyes penetrated mine, staring beyond them into my soul.

" I do trust you. I believe you. I don't know how I could have ever doubted it in the first place. I love you so much. It's just so hard to believe that you could feel that way about me. " I answered, looking back at her just as intensely.

" Well, I do and you have to trust that. I love you so much it scares me. I never want to be without you again. " She told me.

"I believe you, but I might need to be reminded from time to time. " I managed a smile as I drew my eyes from hers and let them land on her lips.

I watched spellbound as her tongue snaked out to moisten them. " And how should I do that ? "

" Like this. " I whispered before dropping my mouth to hers and covering her wet lips.

I pulled away from her for a moment and reached into my pocket, dragging out a gold chain from inside. She glanced at my hand questioningly. Then smiled as she saw what I was holding.

" I really thought that maybe if I sent that back to you, it might inspire you to do something. " She told me as she moved her hair aside to allow me to fasten the Lavaliere round her neck.

" It almost did. " I answered. " I almost came over that night. "

" I was expecting you all night. It almost killed me when you didn't show. " She said, sadly.

" Why didn't you come to me if you knew what was going on ? "

" Oh, no, Mister. " she smiled. " You were the one that messed up this time. You had to be the one to at least try to fix it. I do have a little bit of female pride left. "

I laughed and pulled her back to me. " I'm sorry I took so long before coming here. You're right I should have been here the night after everything happened and then every night after that. I should never have let you go without fighting for you. But I really didn't feel like I deserved you after everything. "

She sighed and kissed me quickly. " Well, you probably don't deserve me, but that doesn't matter. You are the one I choose. You are what I want. So whether you deserve me or not, you're stuck with me. "

I chuckled. " I will happily be stuck with you as long as you'll have me. "