February, 4, 2138 (Evening)
It's amazing. How easy it is to destroy and how hard it is to build. That notion applies to everything. Structures, artwork, trust, friendship. After all of these hours, I still can't believe what I allowed myself to do. Ever since we captured Rachel all she's done is try to help us. And now I've hurt her so badly that I can't see her ever trusting me again. All that I could see were all of the moments where we were in pain and that damn uniform she wears. And Mom. I couldn't stand to look at her in it anymore, trying to tell me what the biodreads taught to her.
I told her that I would be her friend. Some friend I am. All that I've done is drive her off and make Kim and Tommy mad at me. I don't know how to make this right, and part of me doesn't want to. Why does she keep that uniform on? And after everything, she protected me after I kicked the hell out of her. She lied to Kim for me. I had to fix this somehow. I know that Mom would have been ashamed of me, even though I did it for her.
I found myself trying to go to Rachel, but I couldn't. After a couple of attempts I could see Tommy headed for her building with something in his hands. So I called to him and he came over to answer me.
I said, "Look, I know that you're mad at me. But I'm sorry for what I did. I didn't want to hurt her. It's just…"
"I know that you're sorry, but she's hurt. I know that you're hurt too. I know that you miss your mom and Rachel is the only one here to be blamed for her being gone. I want to blame someone too, but it isn't her fault. She helped us, Amber. She's trying to change. I understand what you did, and why. But it was still the wrong thing to do. When Mom died I couldn't even stand the color gray anymore. And I wanted all of them dead. I hated the Youth more than the machines themselves. But when I look at it now, if Rachel would have been with us when this happened to Karen, do you honestly think that she would have just stood there and let her die? Don't think about the uniform and just look at Rachel herself. Can you really think that she wouldn't have tried to help her or tried to keep her from being hurt to begin with? Amber, she's not as fooled by them as you act like she is," Tommy said.
"It just hurts. That she would go on wearing that uniform when the cause of it cost us Gina and Mom," I said.
"I know. But hurting Rachel didn't make it any better, did it? Her life has brought her where she is and it's filled with pain and suffering like the rest of us. Can't you see how much alike she is to us, even through that uniform? I learned a long time ago that you have to look at people's actions, not people's clothes to see the true person. She's not Youth Leader Rachel anymore. She's just Rachel. Your friend, if you don't ruin it. You have the power to let her be our friend as best she can and be her friend too, just like you have the power to make her our enemy again when she's just looking for answers. Think about Rachel. Don't you think she would have tried to help Karen if she could have," Tommy asked me.
"Yes," I said as I tried to choke back my tears.
"Then let's go make this right with her, if we can," Tommy said as he handed me some of the black clothes we took from the mall.
"I don't know if I can," I replied.
"You can't if you don't ever try to. At least if she doesn't forgive you, you can say that you tried to make it right with her. Someone has to make it stop and try to make a change. Look at what letting things go is doing to Sarah and Tad. Anyone wearing those colors is the enemy to them, regardless of what they do to repent for what they've done. Regardless of what they've done or haven't done. Besides being a medic for them, we don't even know if she's ever even hurt anyone before. Not even one time. And she's a victim too, even if she doesn't look like it. They've numbed her emotions so much that she doesn't even know how she should feel about anything. How would she know how something so small like her clothes or her way of trying to help you would affect you? They've taken away more of her sight than they've given back if you really look at her, Amber. Rachel's just as broken as the rest of us," Tommy replied.
"I'll try. I want to make it right again," I said.
"That's a start. Let's go," Tommy replied as we moved off to Rachel's building.
Upon arriving at Rachel's building we found Karl already there. He was checking on Rachel. Both of them looked at us from the inside of her cage, but Rachel looked away quickly. I knew that I deserved that. Karl kept looking at me for a few seconds longer, as though he was feeling me out to see what might happen. I half grinned at him to try and put him at ease, but he looked at Rachel and asked her if it was all right that we were both there to visit with her anyway. She said that it was all right, but Karl looked back at me again and said, "This is going to be a friendly visit, right? Because she doesn't need any more of the craziness that happened earlier."
I said, "Yes."
After saying this he finished wrapping her abdomen and Rachel let her shirt fall over the wrapping. Then he walked out of the cage and headed towards us. He stopped before passing by Tommy and me and said, "I mean it. She doesn't need any more pain than she's already in. If you can't contain your anger, you need to leave and come see me. But this fighting each other has to stop."
He put his hand on my shoulder for a few seconds and kept looking at me. Then he left with going on about it any longer and shut the door behind him.
Tommy asked me to wait at the door. Then he moved to Rachel's cage and started talking to her.
"Rachel? Is it all right if we stay and talk with you," Tommy asked.
"It's your zoo," Rachel replied.
"Look, Rachel. We have some different clothes that I think might fit you. They're for you, if you want them," Tommy said as he handed the black set of clothes through the cage bars.
Rachel took them and looked at me saying, "Is this what it's all about? My clothes? Do all of you think I'm any different from one minute to the next if I have one set of clothes on the first minute, and then another the next? What are we? Gang members? If I'm not wearing your colors, I'm the enemy?"
"We want you to join us," I said as I moved forward.
"You want me to join you? That's not how it seemed earlier. And just who are we? Because more of you than not seem to want to punish me for everything that the rest of the Dread Youth do," Rachel replied.
"I'm sorry for hurting you. I was wrong, but I can't take back what I've done. I want to, but I can't," I said back to Rachel.
"I can't take anything back either. I can't change anything that I've done or anything that's happened because of it. I thought this uniform meant something more than just being an oppressor of everyone's will. I wanted it to mean something good for everyone, and I still do. I worked hard to make it something worth being proud of. I never wanted it to mean what it does to you now, Amber," Rachel replied.
"I know. But the cause you say was meant for something so good took Tommy's mother and mine away from us. And you keep wearing it like it's still something to be proud of. How can you still wear it and think that? As they take us away from each other one at a time, how can you look in the mirror and respect that anymore," I asked.
"Do you want to know what color the adrenaline boosters will be wearing when they come for you and your sister? They'll be dressed in black. And if they succeed or kill any of you, will you look at me in these black clothes that you're giving to me like I'm still one of them? Will it ever matter what I'm wearing as far as getting you to see me, and not the outside of me that you really see? Can I ever mean more to any of you than what I'm wearing," Rachel asked.
I didn't have any answer for her. She was right. All I was looking at was what she looked like, not who she really was. I could see through the uniform before, but I let myself lose that. Mom warned me, and I failed to do as she wanted me to. I kept trying to come up with an answer, but there wasn't one. During my searching for the right words, Rachel spoke to me again.
"That girl that you keep referring to that shot your mother wasn't me. And I'm sorry for what she did to all of you. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. But think about this. That girl is a victim too. She deserved to die for what she's done, but that girl used to be a different person with a name. Her name was Tara and she used to be my friend, until they made a murderer out of her. And not one time have I ever thrown that in your face because Tara was wrong to do what she did and she cost you more than I can ever give back to you. But I lost my friend too, and now I'm losing you. Doesn't that mean anything," Rachel said.
Tommy spoke up saying, "I'm sorry, Rachel. I am. But you want a second chance, don't you? A chance to try again and start over? Well, that's all that Amber and the rest of us are asking for from you too. Another chance to make things right. We'll give that to you. Will you give one back to us," Tommy asked.
Rachel looked back at Tommy confused, not knowing how to answer. Then it hit me. I needed to show her that we're not different from each other, and I knew how. I looked at Tommy and said, "Go get Kim."
"What? Why do want her right now," Tommy asked.
"Please, just go get her," I said.
Without speaking again he left to get Kim for me while Rachel and I waited in silence. After a minute Tommy returned with Kim like I asked him to.
"What's going on here? Why did you want me, Amber," Kim asked me.
"I did Rachel wrong. We have rules around here and I broke them. I attacked Rachel and I was wrong. She wasn't trying to escape like she claimed, she was trying to help me learn something and I took it wrong. I turned on her. I hurt one of our own, and I deserve to be punished. If she deserves to be in a cage, so do I. I was responsible for what happened and I want you to treat me like you would one of your squad if they disobeyed you," I said to Kim.
"Amber, the last one of my squad that disobeyed me I executed," Kim said in a blunt voice.
"Amber, why are you doing this," Tommy asked me.
"Because I was wrong. Rachel hasn't done anything more than try to help us, and she's locked up. Yet I attacked and hurt her and I get to stay free? It's not right and I want to be treated like everyone would treat her," I replied.
"Rachel was the enemy. You're not, Amber," Kim said to me.
"Yes, I am. Rachel isn't the enemy anymore, Kim. She's one of us, and I let myself lose sight of that trying to make what happened to Mom right somehow. I attacked one of our own. She's one of us and I hurt her on purpose. You can't let this go, you have to treat us like equals," I said to Kim.
"Your father won't agree with this, Amber," Kim said.
"Damn it Kim, do your duty and lock me up. Stop making me better or more important than Rachel is. I'm not any better and I'm not any different than her. If she did the same thing to me, you'd be locking her up and not thinking about it twice. Don't treat me any differently," I replied.
"Fine. Get in the cage with her," Kim said with a smile.
"You don't have to do this Amber," Rachel said to me.
"Yes, I do," I replied to her as I closed the cage door behind me with a loud clang.
"I suggest you both spend some time tonight sorting this out and trying to make it right with each other, because tomorrow we're starting up again where we left off. And I plan on both of you being there too. Talk it out and get over it. We have business to take care of and I need both of you involved in it," Kim said as she walked out of the room with Tommy.