Casey,

I had a dream and you were with me. It was beautiful, the two of us together, sitting on the beach, watching a sunset that paled in comparison to your exquisiteness. How could something as mundane as a sunset, hope to match the warmth of the sparkle in you eyes or the ebullience of your smile ?

The stars shrink further into the sky, taking a step back as you approach, knowing they could never compete with your radiance. I feel cheated knowing that I am only allowed to look upon you with the inadequate human eye. For how could the human eye process the full brilliance of everything that you are ?

I wonder if you realize how you have changed my soul simply by knowing of your existence ? How you have alter this one small humans world with your presence. Everything seemed dimmer, less perfect before I knew of you. You breathed life into a world that was sad and ordinary before you witnessed it.

I am forced to make a small observation now. One that I realize you may not want to hear, but how can you let yourself be with someone who so obviously doesn't appreciate the extraordinary something that is everything that you are ? I have no wish to interfere with your life. I just wish more for you than that. I wish for you someone who truly understands what loving you is about. For you deserve no ordinary love. You deserve something beyond imagination, something soul consuming and passion-filled. I maybe very wrong, but it doesn't appear, at least on the outside, that you have found that kind of love and that makes me sad. Seeing that you are not loved the way you should be loved, desired the way you deserve to be desired. How could one be allowed into your heart and not grab hold with both hands and adore you above anything else ?

One day, Casey, I can hope to be the one to show you how you truly should be love.

There he was again. His words staring back at me beautiful and eloquent. Who was this man who took so much time and care to play with my emotions and make me want to know him ? I took a deep breath and looked around the small cafe outside of Starbucks and wondered if he was watching me as I sat there trying to decide how to respond to his most recent message.

I cast a glance around me, looking for anyone that seemed familiar because obviously he was someone that, at least, knew me in some small way. But no one stood out as I scanned the crowd and I tried to hide the disappointment from my face.

Then my heart skipped a beat as I spotted someone very familiar, indeed. He was sitting across the street at a table against the wall, partially hidden by a bush. But there was no mistaking those eyes, eyes that took me in so effectively I could feel them once again.

Cappie's eyes were a part of him I never could resist. They were so soulful and expressive. Blue seemed such a common word to use to describe them. They weren't just blue any more than they were just eyes. They were electric and almost always turned up at the corners in a smile.

That was Cappie, always smiling, carefree and happy. I asked him once when we were together how he could be so happy all the time and he told me, " You only see me happy because you only see me when you are with me. " It was the most adorable thing anyone had ever said to me. I thought he was kidding at the time, giving me a patented 'Cappie' line, but the sincerity in his face told me he was completely serious and it had scared me a bit in the most wonderful way possible.

Cappie had a way of doing that to me, scaring me with the force of the emotions I felt when I was with him. Being scared of the outside world was one thing. I could deal with that. But being scared of myself. That was something else entirely. I had no idea about that.

I smiled as he noticed me watching him and to my chagrin he stood and started across the street towards me. I pushed down the slight flutter of my stomach at seeing him approach and braced myself. I was not happy to see him. I figured if I kept telling myself that, I would believe it sooner or later.

" We meet again. " He smiled, his yellow t-shirt set off his bronze skin tone and brought his eyes even more to life. His black denim shorts were actually tighter than he usually wore his clothes and his hair looked like he might have made an effort to tame it, although it failed. But parts of it was behaving in an orderly fashion.

" How long have you been over there watching me ?" I asked, trying to sound annoyed. The last thing I wanted was for him to know that I was secretly happy to see him.

" I wasn't watching you. " He lied unconvincingly.

" I saw you. "

" You saw me sitting there. And if my memory is correct, it was you watching me actually. "

He slid easily into the chair beside me. Once again, not across from me, but right beside me, like he made it a point to be as close to me as he possibly could.

Then a thought occurred to me and I fixed him with a whithering glare. " Have you been sending me e-mails ? "

He barked out a full throated laugh and leaned closer. " No, why ? Have you been receiving mystery messages ? "

I rolled my eyes, not sure whether to believe him or not. Ha ! I had my first suspect. " Maybe. If it is you, knock it off. Evan would kill you if he found out. "

His face fell, as it always did at the mention of Evan's name. " It isn't me, so I have nothing to fear from Mr. Fantastic. Not that I would if I was sending them. " He caught my eyes and held them for a moment. " They aren't creepy messages, are they ? "

I laughed, touched by his concern. " No, they're sweet. It's just driving me crazy trying to figure out who they're from. "

" I could ask around. I know a lot of people. " he offered.

" No, it's fine. I'll figure it out on my own. " The last thing I needed was Cappie scaring off whoever was writing the messages. I really was enjoying them. " So, how have you been ? I haven't seen you around the party circuit much so far this year. Don't tell me you decided to get sober and become a grown up ? "

My mock shock caused him to smile again and he leaned back in his chair. " I've been busy with Rush and everything. Besides, it's Junior year. I have to pick a new major or next year they will expect me to leave and we can't have that."

I rubbed at my eyes tiredly. " You will have to leave school eventually, Cap. You know that right ? "

" Yeah, I know. I'm just still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I'd hate to make the wrong choice and have to live with that decision for the rest of my life. "

His comment was pointed and it's double meaning for me obviously clear. He was referring to Evan. I knew it, he knew and what's more, he knew I knew.

I decided maybe it was time for a talk between us. " You know I didn't leave you for Evan, right ? That is not what happened at all. "

He dropped his chair legs to the floor with a resounding thump and leaned forward, crossing his arms on the table in front of him, all humor was gone from his face. It was an expression I wasn't used to seeing him wear and it unnerved me. " I know that. " he answered finally. " You aren't the type to go around trading up like that. I also know that your sister's were the ones that didn't like me. They were the ones that convinced you, you weren't happy with me. What I don't know is whether or not it was how you really felt ? " He inclined his head slightly and I swallowed the hard knot that had formed in my throat at his words. " So how about we have a little honesty now ? Tell me the truth, were you happy when we were together ? "

Happier than I have ever been in my life ! I wanted to scream me to him. To make the heartfelt confession with violins playing in the background and cupid standing in the corner with a bow. But, of course, I didn't. I couldn't. Telling him the truth was impossible and something in his eyes told me he wasn't really expecting me, too, either.

His question wasn't about him knowing the answer. It was about me thinking about the answer. That was his plan. To make me think. To make me remember and it was working, despite my fighting against it.

" I was happy, at times. " I said after a minute, trying to choose my words as carefully as possible. I didn't want to say something that was going to lead him on, make him think there was something still there between us. That was a little secret I planned to keep to myself. " But there were definitely times that I wasn't. "

He chuckled softly and I thought for a second he was going to take my hand, but he didn't. He simply rested it beside mine on the table. I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. " You know, even when we were completely miserable, shouting and yelling and so angry I couldn't see, I was still happier than I had ever been. " He told me quietly.

I looked away from him, content to concentrate on the tiled floor under our feet. " Please stop saying things like that, Cappie. It isn't fair. "

" Why ? I'm just being honest. Would you rather I lie to you ? " he asked, unfazed.

I took a deep breath. " I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to dance around each other all year again, having these little moments and being confused and frustrated. "

He smiled and caught my chin with his finger bringing my eyes back to his. " I make you confused and frustrated ? "

I rolled my eyes, instantly regretting my words. " That isn't what I meant. " I insisted.

" But it's what you said. I was a psych major, remember. " He was not about to let me slither away, the determination was clearly evident on his face. " Why do I make you confused, Casey ? What is it about me that leaves you feeling so frustrated ? I mean, if you are as over me as you claim to be, why should I make you feel anything at all ? "

" Cappie, " I whispered as he leaned in and putting my hand up to stop him before he kissed me was one of the hardest things I've ever done. " I can't do this. I want this to be over. "

" Why, Case, Why are you so determined not to love me when it obviously isn't working for you ? " he asked, closing in again.

And God help me, this time I didn't stop him. I sat there watching his lips move as he spoke and I wanted nothing more in the world than to feel them against mine, just one more time.

They were warm and firm and anything but fleeting. I let myself sink into the kiss, felt him caressing my lips and I opened them, allowing him to taste the coffee I had just finished as he grazed my tongue with his.

His hand closed around my ribcage. I could feel his fingers digging into my side, just under my breast, as he pulled my forward, closer to him. And again I let him. It didn't seem, at the moment, I was capable of doing much of anything else. I couldn't fight him. I couldn't deny that this was what I really wanted, not now.

Everything vanished from my mind in that instant. There was no Evan, no ZBZ's, no school, nothing but him and the feelings he was invoking in me. All those feelings that I long to experience. My stomach flopped, my heart raced, my head spun, and it felt like I was floating all at once. It felt wonderful and I wished with my entire soul for the moment to never end.

But it did, like all moments eventually do. Oxygen, our awkward position and the fact that we were making out in broad daylight, brought this one to a close. A rather abrupt close as that last thought finally seeped into my brain and I pushed him back.

His eyes were full of hurt and confusion when he looked at me. I wanted to be able to make that look disappear. But I couldn't. This was my life I was playing with. My future and I had no intentions of throwing it all away because Cappie gave me a few, okay, well, a lot of warm gushy feelings.

I didn't say anything. There wasn't anything for me to say. I just got up and walked away as quickly as I could manage.

" You know you have him cleaning like a lunatic again, don't you ? " My younger brother's voice called to me as I was walking across campus, arms loaded down with a stack of books, on my way to the library to start a paper for my psych class.

" What ? Who is cleaning ? " I asked, as he fell into step beside me.

" Cappie. I don't know what he'll do next. He's running out of things to scrub. "

I shook my head mournfully and looked at the sidewalk. " I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset him. "

" Well, whatever you keep doing is upsetting him and I'm here to ask you to stop. " Rusty told me in a voice he only used occasionally when he was really mad at me.

I stopped and turned to him. " He kissed me. I didn't encourage him. I didn't ask him to. It was all him. Tell him to stop chasing after me and I'll leave him alone as well. It's all I've wanted to do for going on two years now. "

He eyed me the way he did when he didn't believe me and I pretended to ignore the look. He, however, wasn't planning on letting the subject drop. " Is it really, Casey ? "

" Of course it is. I just want to get on with my life. My life with Evan. But Cappie keeps turning up, mucking up the plan. " I sighed heavily.

Rusty was squinting as he stood facing the sun, but still I could see the doubt there. " Why can't you see how much he loves you ? He's more in love with you than Evan ever thought about. "

I shifted impatiently. " This isn't about who loves me more, Russ. It's about... " I let my voice trail off as I tried to find the right words to explain my situation.

But he jumped in before I had a chance. " It's about who can do more for you. " he spat angrily.

I was flabbergasted. Was that really how he saw me, some opportunistic bitch who used people for what she could get out them?

" Rusty, that isn't it. How can you say that ? " I asked, feeling the tears stinging my eyes.

" That's the way it looks to me. Hell, that's the way it looks to just about everyone that isn't a part of the Casey Cartwright fan club. You dumped Cappie because he couldn't further your political ambitions and Evan does. "

I turned away from him. The tears free flowing now, I batted at them with my free hand.

" You know, we haven't seen eye to eye on most things in life. We rarely agree on anything, in fact. But deep down, I've always seen you as a good person. Frankly, since I came here and got mixed up in your love life, I'm beginning to wonder just who you really are. "

I sniffled and stopped even trying to stop crying as his footsteps resounded on the pavement behind me.

" Case, " another voice called me from the opposite direction. Wow, I was popular suddenly. But this was a voice I wanted to hear at the moment. I turned to see Evan stepping up to me and I melted against him.

He pulled back and I thought I saw him glance down at the wet spot on his shirt left by my check, but he didn't actually say anything and for that I was grateful.

" What happened ? Are you okay ? " he asked, taking a piece of cloth from his pocket and wiping at my face. That was Evan, always prepared.

" I'm okay. I just had a run in with my brother. " I answered, then I squared my shoulders and forced a composure to my face that I wasn't feeling yet. " I'll be fine. "

" Good, " he smiled. " Because the alumni mixer is tonight and I'd hate for you to have red puffy eyes and look a mess. You will be attending on my arm, of course. "

I looked away, dismayed at his lack of concern over my distress, but I pushed it away. He was very busy lately, I told myself. He had a lot going on and this Mixer was one of the most important social events of the season for the Omega Chi's. " I'll be ready. "

He patted my shoulder and smiled down at me. " That's my girl. "

Then he turned and left me standing there, still feeling and looking like I'd just lost my best friend. I felt like someone had killed a box of puppies in front of me and there he was trotting happily on his way without a backward glance.

My first thought was of going to the Kappa Tau house. But that would be wrong in more ways than I could list.

But damn it, I wanted some comfort and sympathy. And it was like my mind and body both knew instinctively where to find it.

I wiped my face one last time and adjusted the books in my arms, before taking off for the library again.