I was pulling in air in ragged, panting breathes as I stood against the side of the house, hidden from view, trying to collect myself.
What the hell had just happened ? I asked myself. I was confused and hurt and feeling like I had just lost my best friend. Was he right ? Was I keeping him holding on to me because I liked the idea of someone following around after me like that ? That didn't sound much like me, but lately, apparently I wasn't acting much like myself.
I took off running as best as I could in my shoes, taking myself as far away from that look in Cappie's eyes as I could. Somehow I knew I hadn't seen the last of that look, it would haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. And it hurt more to know that I had caused it. I was directly responsible for putting that look on his face.
How could I do that to someone I claimed to care about ? How could I cause him so much hurt and pain ? I hadn't done it deliberately, but at the moment that didn't make me feel any better.
I glanced down at my watch and saw that I was almost late for my date with Evan. Kicking my pace up to a higher speed, I took off. I needed to make sure I kept at least one relationship in my life in working order.
He was waiting for me when I came through the door, looking impatient and irritated. Oh, well, irritated was better than all out angry like everyone else was. He was wearing his best suit and his Omega Chi jacket, all buttoned up and perfect, not one brown hair out of place, not one speck on his jacket, not one mar on his flawless skin. I wished I could manage to be that flawless.
He turned to me with a look that made me wither a bit after the day's events but I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders and set about making it all up to him.
" You're late. Where have you been ? " he demanded.
" I had to see Rusty. It took a little longer than I expected. " I explained.
" I'll bet it did. Who else did you happened to run into while slumming at the Kappa Tau house ? "
His accusation startled me. How could he possibly know what had just happened ? Was he some kind of psychic ? Was it written all over my face, some kind of sign that said, I just had a fight with Cappie ?
I shook off the paranoia and decided to play stupid. " No one. Just Rusty. I wanted to settle things with him after our fight this afternoon. "
Evan let out an exasperated breath and his shoulders slumped visibly. " Why is this bothering you so much ? You've fought with Rusty before. "
I still didn't know and I told him as much.
" Well is it settled ? Did you work it all out ? "
" No, he was in the middle of a party and didn't feel much like talking. " I answered.
He took my hand and kissed my cheek lightly. It did not escape me that my stomach didn't flop at his touch, my heart didn't race. " You look beautiful, by the way. Perfect, in fact. "
I smiled and laced my arms around his neck, " Thank you. You look perfect as well. "
" Do we make just make the perfect couple, then ? " he smiled.
I nodded and was a little disappointed when he simply pulled away and took my hand. Hell, he didn't even try to kiss me anymore. What did that say about us ?
I was too tired and emotionally drained to give it much thought in that moment. But I decided, Evan and I needed some serious alone time and soon. I was afraid it might already be too late to salvage what was left of the intimate part of relationship. But I wasn't willing to give up on it completely, not yet anyway.
The night dragged on with a mind numbing slowness that very nearly rendered me unconscious. I think I actually dozed off for a moment before Evan's elbow in my ribs brought me around, fortunately without anyone else noticing.
I made nice with his parents or attempted to, at least. It was very clear that their attitude towards me had not changed. They still didn't think I was good enough for their son.
Beautiful, tailored, stiff people whirled through my vision. Everyone was completely and utterly impeccable. It was very discouraging. I watched stately older men dancing primly with sophisticated older women. A couple of Tri-Pis had managed to get themselves dates and they were dressed as I was. They looked as out of place as I felt, too, which made me feel a bit better.
All in all in was an awkward, boring evening that left me feeling worse than I had when we arrived and that was saying something.
I could not get my fight with Cappie out of my head. I kept seeing him everywhere I turned, with that look. I had trouble deciding which look made me feel worse, the one when he looked like he hated me, or the one where he looked resigned and heartbroken, although I was leaning towards the later. Still having Cappie look at me like he never wanted to see me again was devastating. I couldn't stop thinking that I was throwing something away that I would regret losing for the rest of life.
Of course, it was what I wanted, I kept reminding myself. I went to his house to tell him exactly what he had told me. So why did it bother me so much that he beat me to it ? What difference did it make who actually said the words ? The important thing was that it was finally over.
Never again would he crop up out of nowhere and follow me around for hours. Never again would he show up at my favorite coffee spot and join me for a cup. Never again would he call me in the middle of the night to tell me about a movie that was on that he knew I loved.
Cappie was out of life at last. The idea suddenly hit me like an anvil dropping out of the sky in some old cartoon.
I left the room quickly, retreating from Evan's questioning gaze as I started to cry again.
I wasn't able to leave the ladies room for the rest of the evening. I just couldn't stop the tears. I had no control over them. Evan sent Frannie in to look for me at one point and I told her I couldn't go back out there.
Hell, it was after midnight and Evan's parents had long since retired for the evening. I had done my part. Now I needed to wallow in my misery for a while.
Frannie and Evan must have eventually become concerned enough that they called Ashleigh and she came to retrieve me from the bathroom and take me home. Evan apologized over and over for not being able to take me himself, but he was the president of Omega Chi and he couldn't leave before all the Alumni did.
Wrapped tightly in Ashleigh's jacket, I leaned against her heavily as we walked down Greek row, and felt like my life was over. I had never felt more dreadful. This was worse than losing him the first time. I guess maybe because the first time I never felt like it was totally done. This time it did.
Later, Ash tucked me into my bed after helping me change into something to sleep in, ( an event that caused more hysterical sobbing because the first thing she tried to put me in was an old shirt of Cappie's). She sat on the foot of my bed and looked at me sympathetically.
" What is going on Casey ? What happened ? " she asked finally after I didn't offer up an explanation for my behavior.
I shook my head. I couldn't form the thoughts that would lead to the words.
" Did you have a fight with Evan's parents ? Did they say something to you ? " She continued to prod and I realized she wasn't going to quit badgering me until I told her the whole story, so I did. I left out no detail as I related the events of my day, from my fight with Rusty to my gut retching discussion with Cappie. Her eyes widened when I told her about the kiss. The kiss I could still feel on my lips, even hours later. I imaged there might be fingerprints on my leg as well. God knows, I could still feel his hand there.
The rehashing just caused another fit. I felt like an emotional blob, like my nerve endings didn't have the benefit of skin to cover them anymore. I felt raw and vulnerable, hazardously exposed to the environment. Tiny needle pricks stung at my skin everywhere, and their bigger brothers, the daggers, plunged into my eyes every time I tried to blink. After a while I closed my eyes and stopped trying altogether.
Ashleigh was being very uncharacteristically quiet. She hadn't moved other than to come to the place beside me, put her arm around my shoulder and let me have at the crying fest. But she hadn't made a comment on the situation and I wondered why not.
I looked up at her to find her looking at me with tears in her own eyes. Empathy shined down on me and I was really touched by how deeply this whole thing seemed to have affected her.
" I'm so sorry, Casey. " she said after a moment of us simply staring at each other.
I came off her shoulder and sat up on my own. " Why are you sorry ? You didn't do anything. "
She shook her head and batted at her eyes, ridding them of the unshed wetness. " I was right there with Frannie and everyone else that talked you into dumping him. I feel responsible. I just didn't know. You never told me. "
" You didn't know what ? What are you talking about ? " I asked totally confused as I watched her intently.
" I didn't know you loved him. I thought you were just hanging out, having some fun together. If I had known how much you loved each other, I never would have been on Frannie's side. " She smiled weakly. " I'm sure my opinion wouldn't have mattered to the others but at least you would have known someone was on your side. "
I took her hand and squeezed it. " It's okay, Ash. I know you would have been there for me. "
A knock on the door interrupted our moment and Ashleigh answered it. She didn't say anything as she answered the door, she just opened it, saw who it was and left the room after letting him inside.
Evan was beside me before I realized he was there. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me against him, tighter than he had held me in longer than I could remember.
" What happened ? " he asked.
" It's nothing. " I shook my head into his chest. " I'm fine. "
My voice was muffled and hoarse, but he obviously understood what I said because he pulled away and retrieved the trusty cloth once again. He gingerly wiped my face with it and his look told me I looked exactly like I felt. " It doesn't look like nothing. Is this because of Rusty, still ? "
I shook my head. I hadn't thought about Rusty once all evening, in fact. My mind was occupied by much bigger matters, but they were matters I couldn't very well tell Evan about.
" Casey, Please. " his voice was weak and pleading and I could see the genuine concern in his eyes as he looked at me so intently. " Tell me what's wrong. "
I shook my head and buried it in his chest again. I couldn't tell him and I couldn't think clearly enough to make up a lie. I felt too bad. I just needed to feel him holding me.
Unfortunately, he wasn't letting it go that easily. " If you had words with my parents, then tell me and I'll talk to them. I won't let them put you through what they did last time they were here. "
I offered a teary smile. It was the best I could do at the moment. " You're parents were fine, Evan. Everything was fine. I'm just really stressed and tired, I guess. "
His eyebrow quirked in a questioning gaze. " Tired and stressed caused all this ? You're acting like someone died. "
Not someone, something, I amended in my own head, but I didn't correct him. " I really think I just want to go to bed, actually. I'm okay. " If he wasn't going to hold me, then I didn't want him there. I'd rather be alone.
" Really ? " He asked, surprised. " Because I'm here if you need to talk about things. "
" No, " I shook my head. " I don't want to talk. I just want to sleep. "
He kissed my forward and smoothed my hair gently. " Alright. If that's what you really want, then I'll see you tomorrow. I'll give you a call. "
I nodded. " Okay. "
He left the room, closing the door with a small thump.
I needed comfort and support. I decided to indulge myself in my guilty pleasure. I went to my computer.
Tennyson1987,
Are you out there this evening, sitting in front of your computer thinking about me ? Because I'm thinking about you. I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to reply to your last message. Life interrupted me. I just wanted you to know that after the day I've had, I reread your e-mails and found some comfort in your words. Thank you for being there for me, for helping me through a particularly dark spot in my life. It means more to me than I can tell you.
Casey
Ashleigh came back at some point as I sat there reading my messages and I assured her that I was okay for the moment and was getting some class work done that I had neglected. She gave me a sympathetic smile and went to sleep.
The light of the computer screen was the only illumination in the room. I glanced at the clock in the corner of my screen and it informed me that it was almost two thirty in the morning. I was about to give up on getting a new message from my mystery man, when the small icon of an enveloped popped up, telling me that I had new mail.
I clicked on it quickly and couldn't help the smile as his words appeared in front of me.
Love,
I got your message. I'm glad I could offer you some comfort. Are you still on line ? Would you like to talk ? You sound as if you could use a friend.
Tennyson1987
My fingers flew across the keyboard. I couldn't believe how in tuned we were with one another. I was hoping that I could have a chance to talk to him. And here he was offering. It was like we were working on the same brain wave.
I gave him my user name on the messenger service and waited patiently for the IM box to pop up. It didn't take more than a minute.
Tennyson1987 : Are you there, love ?
LadybugZBZ: I'm here. Thank you for meeting me. I've wanted to talk to you for a while now.
Tennyson1987: I've wanted to talk to you as well. Are you okay ? You said you had a rather trying day.
LadybugZBZ : Not really. I just had an incredible fight with a man I really care about. I'm afraid I won't ever see him again. It feels a little weird to be talking to you about this actually.
Tennyson1987 : Why ? I want you to feel like you can talk to me. I want to know everything about you.
LadybugZBZ : You don't mind hearing about the men in my life ? I know you have an opinion about one of them, and I appreciate your advise, don't get me wrong. I just don't want to offend you by talking about all this.
Tennyson1987 : Nothing you say could possibly offend me. Please I want to hear. What happened that has you so upset ? Did you and Evan have a fight ?
LadybugZBZ : How do you know about Evan ?
Tennyson1987 : I know more about you than you think. But I'm not here to talk about me. Tell me about your day.
LadybugZBZ : It wasn't Evan. We are fine. I had a fight with my brother this morning that really upset me. If you know me so well, tell me this. Do you think I'm the type of person that goes around only concerned with myself, not caring about who I hurt ?
Tennyson1987 : What nonsense is this ? Of course I don't see you that way. Is that what Rusty said ?
LadybugZBZ : Ah, so you know my brother as well. Yes that's what he told me. He said other people see me that way, too. I hate to think that that is how other people see me. I'm not like that. I swear I'm not.
Tennyson1987 : You don't have to convince me. I know you're not. But why did he say it ?
LadybugZBZ : He said he thought I was using this other guy, someone I dated a while back. He's the one I had the fight with.
Tennyson1987 : The one you feel you may never see again ?
LadybugZBZ : Yes. He was my first, well, everything. I don't know how to survive without him in my life in at least some way. He's been there as long as I can remember.
Tennyson1987 : Is there a possibility of a reconciliation ?
LadybugZBZ : I don't think so. Not this time. And I'm not sure I have any business even trying. I have a boyfriend. I love Evan. I shouldn't want this other guy in my life.
Tennyson1987 : But our heart rarely accepts the things our head tells it. Even when he repeat ourselves over and over. And sometimes our heart is actually the thing that knows what we need and what we really want.
LadybugZBZ : I do not want Cappie. I just want things to be over between us. It's been over a year now. Why can't I get him out of my head ? Why is it that every time I feel like I'm finally over him, something happens to pull us back together ?
Tennyson1987 : Maybe it's the universe trying to tell you something. Maybe it's some cosmic sign. Or maybe it's the two of you on some unconscious level trying to keep each other in your lives. Maybe you really love each other.
LadybugZBZ : I did really love him once. But sometimes we outgrow the people we love. Sometimes, things just don't work out no matter how much you love each other.
Tennyson1987 : That's one school of thought on the matter. Another says, that love, real love is something you never get over and it can conquer anything. Some say love is the most grand pursuit of all. The meaning of all of this. Perhaps if a year has gone by and you still aren't over him, perhaps this is that kind of love.
LadybugZBZ : It can't be. Cappie is everything I don't want out of life. I have plans and goals and ambitions. He has none of those things. He doesn't fit with what I want.
Tennyson1987 : Maybe not, but our heart has a funny way of not caring what we want, but knowing what we need. How does he feel about you ? Has he moved on ? Is he over you ?
LadybugZBZ : He says he's not. He claims he loves me and he always has. He says he wants me with him.
Tennyson1987 : Do you believe him ? And more importantly what do you think it means that you can't picture your life without him in it ?
LadybugZBZ : I do believe him, and I know I love him. I always will. But Cappie is like carbs for me.
Tennyson1987 : I'm sorry, love. Like Carbs ?
LadybugZBZ : Yeah, I love carbs, pizza, bread, chips. I love all of them. But I know they are bad for me. So I don't eat them.
Tennyson1987 : LOL. What an interesting view you have on the world ! How do you know that he is bad for you, though ? How did you come to this realization ? Were you happy when you were together ?
LadybugZBZ : Happier than I have ever been. But I'm happy when I'm eating chips, that doesn't mean I can make them my main food group.
Tennyson1987 : Maybe the thing you need to discover is how you can make it okay to make chips your main food group. There is a way. Either you change or he does. Or maybe both of you. But if being apart is making you both so miserable, isn't changing worth it ?
LadybugZBZ : But all this is a useless discussion. I have Evan and he is everything I want. He's everything I need.
Tennyson1987 : But does he love you the way you deserve to be loved ?
LadybugZBZ : Yes, I believe that he does. And I love him.
Tennyson1987 : Okay, love. You keep telling yourself that. Maybe someday you'll make yourself believe it.
LadybugZBZ : I don't have to make myself believe it. I know it. And he knows he loves me. Why does everyone doubt that ?
Tennyson1987 : Because we can see things as they really are from the outside point of view. Sometimes being so close to a situation clouds are judgment so much that we can't see what's really there.
LadybugZBZ : Or maybe being an outsider makes it so that you can't see the whole picture. The entire view of things.
Tennyson1987 : Perhaps you are right, love. Maybe you and Evan are completely right for each other. Fated to be together forever. Is that how you feel about him ? Is he the part of you that makes you whole ? Does he complete you ?
LadybugZBZ : Evan and I aren't like that. We have a much more mature, stable kind of love.
Tennyson1987 : Mature ? Stable ? Are we talking about your love life or your horse ? How can you be happy with someone you refer to as mature and stable ? I mean it's great when your talking about your grandparent, but really, don't you want more ? Like I said before, you deserve more than an ordinary love and it sounds like you have one, you just don't think its what you want.
LadybugZBZ : It isn't that. It's just that I have priorities and my love life isn't necessarily on the top of the list.
Tennyson1987 : How is that possible ? Shouldn't love be the most important priority ?
LadybugZBZ : Spoken like a true romantic. No it isn't the most important thing. See I never had all the things my friends did growing up. We didn't have a lot of money and I watched my parents struggle to get by all the time. I don't want that kind of life for myself. I want more.
Tennyson1987 : So Evan is just a tool in achieving the more you want out of life ?
LadybugZBZ : I didn't say that. Evan isn't a tool.
Tennyson1987 : Are you sure ?
LadybugZBZ : You sound like Rusty now. I thought you said you didn't see me that way.
Tennyson1987 : I don't. I never will. I know better. But I think maybe you need to take some time and really think about Evan. I don't believe you are consciously using him, but something there doesn't sound right. Surely you can see it too. And ask your parents what they think. I bet if you asked them if they would have preferred to be apart and have money or together and not, they will tell you they are happy with not.
LadybugZBZ : I think I will ask them.
Tennyson1987 : I hope I've helped ease your mind a bit anyway.
LadybugZBZ : You have given me a lot to think about. I appreciate you listening. I do feel better.
Tennyson1987 : I need to log for tonight, love. Maybe we can talk again sometime.
LadybugZBZ : Absolutely. I'll look for you. Page me anytime.
Tennyson1987 : I will, why ladybug, by the way ?
LadybugZBZ : My father's nickname for me. Have a good night.
Tennyson1987 : Goodnight, love.
I sat in my darkened room staring at the blank computer screen for a long time. Every word he said made sense to me. He seemed to know exactly what to say. But a few of the things he pointed out really bothered me.
I went to sleep, replaying the conversation in my head over and over again. I really did have a lot of things to think about, but all of them could wait till the morning. I drifted off as soon as I laid down.