My head spun as I sat in the backseat of Ashleigh's car listening to the three people that meant the most to me in the entire world, arguing noisily. Ashleigh was determined I was going home. She wanted to take care of me for the next couple of days. Rusty and Cappie both thought I belonged at the Kappa Tau house. They wanted to be the ones to watch over me. I suddenly felt more loved than I had in days. And while their arguing was stroking my ego, enough was enough. It was time for me to put an end to it. My head was still pounding and everyone talking at once was making it worse.

" I think I'd like to go to the Kappa Tau house, Ash. They're right. There are two of them and much less stress there. " I smiled at her in the rear view. " I think it would be best. "

Everyone got quiet and I felt Cappie reach over and squeeze my leg lightly. My whole world jolted into full color at his touch. It was wonderfully reassuring and satisfying. I gave him a small smile but he was looking forward and didn't see me. I decided to up the ante a little and move closer to him.

He glanced at me distractedly before turning his attention back to the front window. His brow was furrowed and his eyes looked a bit weary. I followed his gaze and saw that it was resting on a silver car parked behind his jeep in the driveway.

" Is there something wrong ? " I asked, quietly.

I nodded without looking at me. " No, it's nothing. "

But he didn't look like there was nothing wrong and I felt my shoulders tightening again. " If there's a problem with me staying with you, I can go home with Ashleigh. I'm sure she can manage to keep everyone off my back for a few days. "

" No, it's fine. I want you where I can keep my eye on you. " He smiled at me finally. And I relaxed but only a little. There was still something in his eyes that didn't sit too well with me.

I let him help me out of the car and up the front steps of the huge house.

As we approached the door, it opened and a woman with long red hair and piercing green eyes stared at us with her hands on her hips. Danielle Jackson didn't look pleased.

" I have been calling you all night. " she fumed.

Cappie stumbled slightly and put on his best apologetic smile. It was a smile I was very familiar with. I almost told her she should get used to it as well. " We had to take Casey to the Student Health Center. They don't allow cellphones inside. "

She looked at me, gaging me carefully. " I hope it wasn't anything too serious, Casey. You don't look any worse than normal. "

I plastered my sweetest smile on my face and shrugged. " I'll be fine in a few days. Cappie has offered to let me stay here to recover. Wasn't that nice of him ? "

Danielle turned her steel gaze to Cappie and I actually saw him shrink away from it slightly and it surprised me. He never flinched during a fight with me.

" She's staying here ?! " Her voice took on a shrieking tone that caused my head to throb again.

Cappie handed my arm over to Rusty who was standing beside us and went to her, ushering her inside and leaving us standing on the steps.

He stuck his head back out the door a second later. " Take her to Jason's old room and get her settled in. I'll check on you in a little while. "

Then he was gone again.

Rusty gave me a hesitant smile and took me inside.

Jason's room was small and smelled of old gym socks. Rusty tried to make it better by spraying some freshener, making it smell instead like someone had stepped on a tree in their gym socks, but I appreciated the effort.

While Ashleigh was gone, running to the house to get some clothes and other things I would need in the next few days, Rusty sat beside me quietly.

" You can take off. I'm good really. " I assured him.

" I know. I just wanted to sit here for a minute. " He said. Then he shifted and looked at me intensely.

" You really scared all of us, Casey. "

I reached out and took his hand. " I know. I'm really sorry, Russ. I didn't mean to scare you. I just wasn't thinking. Everything was been such a mess lately. "

" Is it Evan ? " he asked. " You seem okay with the break up, but is that why you haven't been eating?"

I laughed at him. " No, it isn't Evan. I'm okay with the break up, honestly. "

" Then why have you been so upset ? Ashleigh said you've done nothing but cry for the last few days. She said she was really worried about you. You've been acting like you lost your best friend. "

I sighed deeply. " I really don't want to talk about this. "

Rusty heaved a ragged breath. " If whatever this is has caused you to stop eating and cry all the time, then I really want to know. This isn't like you. Nothing gets to you this bad. "

" I'm so tired of that, actually. " I told him. " I am human, you know. Sometimes things get to me. Sometimes I fall apart, just like everyone else. I'm not special. "

He smiled weakly. " Yes, you are. " he answered with a firmness to his voice. " You are special. You are always together. You can handle anything that comes at you. I have never, in eighteen years of knowing you, seen you fall apart. "

The open, flagrant admiration on his face made my eyes water again. " I guess there's a first time for everything. " I said.

" But why now ? What happened ? "

" Rusty, please. I don't want to talk about it. " I insisted.

" You obviously need to talk to someone. As somebody who doesn't always have it together, let me tell you, it helps. It really helps. If it wasn't for you and Cappie. I would never have made it through my first couple of weeks here. " He touched my hand softly. " Everyone needs someone sometimes. "

" It was Cappie. " I told him finally. " We had a really big fight a few nights ago. A really big one. "

He looked suddenly confused. " Why would a fight with Cappie make you so upset ? "

Then as if a light bulb blinked on over his head, his eyes changed from confused to understanding. "You still love him. "

It was a statement that didn't need my reply. So I didn't give him one. I just stared down at our hands in my lap and concentrated on not crying again. I was so very tired of crying.

" Casey, you have to tell him. He deserves to know how you feel." he started quickly, his words rushing out in one long breath.

" I'm not going to tell him. At least not yet. " I stopped him with a raised hand. " I'm not ready for him to know and he has Danielle and if she makes him happy, that's what I want for him. "

" But she doesn't. " He jumped up and started to move frantically around the room. " You should see them together. He's so different with her. " he paused, struggling to explain. " He's a different person when she's around. He's not Cappie. "

I dragged my hand through my hair, pulling it away from my face in a tangled mess I would have to deal with later. " Rusty, I'm sure you're just imagining things. I know you want us to be together. I think that might be clouding your judgment a little. "

He turned to me quickly with a look of frustration furrowing his brow. " Do you need to hear it from someone else ? Everyone in this house is talking about it. "

I sighed. " Okay but have any of you even really given her a chance ? Everyone is different when they're in a relationship. It's part of the whole thing. Just because he doesn't have time to waste on you bunch of losers like he did before, doesn't mean he's unhappy. "

" Casey, trust me. He isn't happy. "

" Who isn't happy ? " Cappie asked as he stuck his head in the door.

" Oh, " Rusty stammered for a minute. " Beaver. He isn't happy. I think we may have run out of beer. "

Cappie stepped inside giving him his, ' a likely story' look. " How are you ? You have everything you need. "

" I'm gonna get to bed. I'm beat. " Rusty broke in before practically running for the door.

" What has gotten into him ? He's acting weirder than normal. " Cappie observed as he sat down on the foot of the bed.

He reached out and squeezed my foot. Even under the mass of blankets I could feel the warmth of his hand.

" I have no idea. Rusty is an enigma wrapped in a mystery of geekiness. " I commented dryly.

I was rewarded by a warm, full throated laugh. " I guess that about sums him up. "

" I didn't cause you any problems with Danielle, did I ? I don't want to make things difficult for you. "

He waved me off with a smile. " No, it's good. She was just surprised. But I explained everything and she's fine. "

I nodded in spit of my disappointment.

" So, can I get you anything ? "

" Some water would be nice. I am so thirsty. " Then a thought occurred to me. " Can I borrow your laptop ? I just want to check my mail. I promise I'll be quick. "

He stood and started for the door. " One bottle of water and a laptop. I'll be right back. "

" Thank you. " I called after him.

Maybe my mystery man had left me a message. I could really use a little pick me up and he never failed to supply one. Then a new thought occurred to me and I felt myself sinking deeper into my depressive mood. Everyone was accusing me of using the people around me. I use Cappie. I used Evan. I even use Ashley to get what I need, what I want. Was I doing that to the man in the messages ? Was I using him to make myself feel better, knowing there would never be a future with him, but keeping him hanging on for my own purposes.

Of course I was. I did it without even thinking about it. I really did use everyone around me and I didn't exactly offer them much in exchange. I was a selfish, egotistical mess. And I had no idea how to be any different.

My thoughts were interrupted by Cappie's return. He placed the water bottle beside me and the laptop on my lap.

" Anything else ? " He asked brightly.

" Yeah, there is actually. Do you have a minute ? "

He glanced at the door and I could tell that Danielle was waiting for him in their room and I was keeping him, but I didn't care. I was selfish and egotistical, remember ?

" Yeah, I got a minute. What's up ? "

He sat back in the same spot he had occupied earlier.

" The other night when you said you thought I kept you holding on to me on purpose, " I began.

He looked away and swallowed hard. " Is that how you really feel ? Do you think I use you ? "

He took a deep breath and rubbed his hand over his eyes tiredly. " Of course not, Casey. I was angry and confused. I didn't mean to be so mean to you. I thought maybe if you left mad this time, we could finish this thing between us. "

I shifted uncomfortably. " It obviously worked. " I muttered under my breath, but he heard me all the same.

" No, it really didn't. I felt horrible after that fight. I have since it happened. " he admitted.

" Me, too. " I agreed. " I don't want to hate you, Cappie. And I don't want you to hate me. That isn't us. We could never hate each other. "

He looked at me with sad, troubled eyes. " If we don't hate each other and we don't love each other, where do we go from here ? "

There were those damn tears again. No wonder I was so dehydrated. All the water was leaving my body through my eyes in the last few days. " I don't know. I know that I'll always love you. "

" I'll always love you, too. " his voice was barely above a whisper. " But it's more complicated than that. Espeically now. " He glanced at the door again.

I frowned but tried to hide it. He saw it anyway.

" Because of Danielle. Rusty said you were thinking of giving her your letters. Isn't that a bit sudden?"

He looked up in surprise. " He told you that ? "

" Yeah, right before I passed out. He thought you already told me. "

" I'm not giving her my letters. Not yet anyway. I was drunk and talking out of my head. I can't believe he took all that seriously. " He explained. " Besides the last time someone wore my letters, it didn't work out very well. "

He was lightly fingering the pendant around his neck and I turned my eyes from his. " I'm sorry, Cappie. "

" For what ? " he asked with a grin. " It's ancient history. "

" It isn't history and you can be as flippant as you want, but I know I really hurt you when I left and I'm saying I'm sorry for that. I never meant to hurt you. "

He looked down and back up. " I know. But its over and done with. How about we try the being friends thing ? Maybe that will work out better for us. "

" Do you think we can do that ? Just be friends. " I asked.

" I don't know. But I know I don't want you out of my life. I can't stand the thought of never seeing you, or talking to you. " he answered.

" I can't either. I'm just not sure we can be friends. " I told him honestly.

" Why ? Are you afraid you won't be able to resist ripping my clothes off and having your way with me? " he laughed.

Inside my head I was Screaming, YES ! That is exactly what I'm afraid of.

I forced myself to laugh with him and he squeezed my foot. " I should really be getting to bed. Danielle is waiting for me. "

I frowned again, the smile instantly dropping from my face.

" You really don't like her, do you ? " he asked at seeing my expression.

" That isn't it. I'm sure she's a very nice girl. "

He laughed. " No, she isn't. Can you imagine me with a very nice girl ? " He put his hand over his chest like I had mortally wounded him. " Bite your tongue. I wouldn't even know what to do with a nice girl. "

" Hey ! " I exclaimed. " I'm a nice girl. "

" Yeah, " he relented. " But I was trying to corrupt you. That's different. "

I reached behind me, grabbed my pillow and smacked him with it.

" Hey, " he jumped. " I thought the doctor said you were going to be weak."

I laughed. " Me, weak ? Never. "

He came beside me and brushed my hair with his hand. " I guess you're right. I can't imagine that either. " His voice was softer, more serious suddenly. " You really scared me earlier. Seeing you just laying there, not moving. I've never been that scared. "

I took his hand in mine and hugged it to my chest. " I'm really sorry. "

He leaned over and kissed my forehead gently, tenderly. His lips against my skin felt like liquid fire and I wondered what he would do if I just reached up and kissed like I wanted so badly to do.

" I know, Case. Just don't ever do that to me again. "

" I won't. I promise. "

He pulled his hand from mine and left without a quick goodnight and a promise of breakfast in the morning.

I watched him shut the door softly and my mind immediately began visualizing him getting into bed with Danielle. I imagined her wrapping her arms around him and attacking him with the kind of passion that having an ex-girlfriend around can instill in some people. I knew what she was thinking. I know how she was feeling. I had been there with Evan. Every time I caught Rebbecca talking to Evan, it ensured a wildly passionate night for us. I began to think that maybe Evan sought her out just to get that reaction from me.

It was an insecurity issue. I knew that from my first year psych class. Its pretty common. I felt like if I loved him more, he wouldn't be thinking about her anymore. If I made him happy, I could erase her from his mind.

The problem with us, of course, was that while I did a fine job of erasing her from his mind. I couldn't ever manage to do the same for myself. She was always there, standing between us, a ghostly imagine hell bent on making me miserable. But no matter what I did, I couldn't make her go away.

Secretly and a bit guiltily, I hoped Danielle would find that true as well. I wanted to be a ghostly image hovering in the recesses of her mind. I wanted her to always think of me and how much I meant to Cappie.

Of course I wanted to be there in his mind as well. Somewhere floating in his subconsciousness, even while he was holding her. I wanted to believe that his mind and heart were still here in this dingy, gym socks-smelling room with me. I wanted to believe that every time he looked at his bed, it reminded him of me, not her. I wanted to believe that he still loved me. I needed to believe it.

I realized with a start that I hadn't thought about the ZBZ's once since I woke up in the hospital. I couldn't help but be a little apprehensive over their opinion of my choice of men. If it hadn't been for them, I'd probably still be with Cappie, after all.

Did choosing to pursue Cappie ensure that I would never be elected permanent president ? Were they really that shallow ? I was working my ass off trying to get everything back together now that Frannie was gone. Would that matter at all come time for the election ? Or would they simply see that I was with Cappie and dismiss me out of hand ? Frannie always told me that I would never get anywhere in society while I choose to hang around with the Kappa Taus. Proper girls did associate with the likes of them. Could I really believe that ? Was she being truthful or trying to manipulate me, turn me into a living Barbie Doll for her amusement ? I had no idea. What's more is, I wasn't sure anymore if I wanted to be the President of the ZBZ if it meant that I couldn't be with Cappie. Actually I knew I didn't care. I was trying to be honest with myself. And I knew deep down that the only thing that really mattered to me anymore was getting him back. Everything else was just the bonus on the side.

If I could manage to get elected president on my own efforts, Great ! If not, I could find a better place to spend my time. The Zeta Beta Zeta Sorority wasn't everything to me anymore. Cappie was and that was where I intended to put all my efforts.