Chapter 2:
Bella POV:
I wasn't quite sure what to make of the illusion on my doorstep.
For a brief moment I didn't even recognize the hallucinatory boy. He was tall, slender but very well-built, and extremely pale; with tousled bronze hair and dark circles shading the contours of his liquid topaz eyes, which unsuccessfully hid the deep remorse and anguish that filled them. The unnatural beauty in his face was twisted in what could only be the familiar misery that I knew all too well.
"Oh no…" I said, in a distressed tone that was barely a whisper. I had had this dream before, and it wouldn't be long before the angel on my doorstep vanished into thin air.
My knees gave out under me and I swerved in place, beginning to tip over.
He caught me swiftly in his stone grasp before my head could hit the ground, and held me close to his chest. Only then did he finally speak.
"May I come in?" he asked uncertainly, fighting back what could only be one of his breathtaking smiles.
I couldn't speak so I just nodded slowly and let him support my weight and drag into the house.
He sat me down in the living room on the shabby little couch, and placed himself next to me.
"Bella…I…" he began slowly.
The way his melodic and unintentionally seductive voice said my name made me break out of my trance, and I was able to think clearer.
My eyes filled with tears and blurred my vision. What a stupid reaction, I thought sullenly, now I can't see his face.
"What are you doing here?" I managed to say through hysterical sobs.
"Oh Bella, where do I even begin?" he asked in exasperation. His cool fingers brushed the tears from my eyes, but the second those tears were gone, new ones began to fill the empty space. He sighed.
I did not answer, although I had gained enough composure to sit quietly and listen.
"Bella, I owe you an apology. No, naturally I owe you much, much more than that. But, nonetheless, I'll still say it. I'm so terribly sorry. I can only imagine the hurt I have caused you, and for that, I'll never be able to forgive myself, not if I live a million years."
He stopped, as though searching for words in order to continue, and I took that opportunity to speak for the first time.
"You only thought to apologize six months after you left?" I asked quietly, my voice unable to handle anything higher than a whisper. I wasn't angry at him, I was just shocked. I didn't remember this part of the dream.
"No!" he very nearly screamed in horror. "No, you don't understand." He began to talk very quickly, his sentences slurring together a little bit. I had to listen very closely to catch what he was saying. "Bella, last September, I left to save you. I didn't want all of this for you; you could do so much better than Me. For six months I managed to stay away, but it was getting to be too much for me; I can't live without you in my life. Seeing the pain on your face when I left you was the hardest moment of my life, and I couldn't bear to have that image as my final memory of you." He stopped to catch his breath.
"You left to…save me?"
"Yes, I did. And it was the worst mistake of my life. Oh please, Bella, if only I had known that this decision would lead me almost killing myself in result of the deep, dark, depression that's been lingering these past few months. All I can do now is beg you to take me back, to forget those times and start over together." He smiled crookedly and moved closer to me, holding my hand with one of his and touching my cheek lightly with the other.
My heart spluttered frantically at his touch (a familiar habit), but I didn't know what to say.
"But…you didn't…want me…anymore…" I persisted.
"That was all a lie to get you to let me go. I hoped that if you thought that I had moved on, maybe you would too. Obviously, I was wrong, and I'm glad. I love you, Bella, and I don't want you to be with anyone else besides me. You need my protection, and I need you." He wrapped his arms around my in a gentle hug. What else could I do but hug him back, all the while taking in his glorious scent, and praying for this dream to never end.
I moved away to look at his face, to trace his perfect features with the tips of my fingers. "I wish it were real…" I whispered longingly, in an inaudible tone that I knew he could hear.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm asleep now, and when I wake up, you'll be gone, and I'll have to face another dreaded day on my own." This reality brought a new horror to my mind; waking up without Edward, again. I began to hyperventilate, the hole in my chest aching and throbbing at the thought.
He could see the panic growing in my eyes, and laughed gently.
"You're not asleep Bella. All of this is really happening. I'm here, me, Edward, and I love you. And I'll never leave you again, not as long as I live and breathe."
A new theory suddenly came to mind, the only understandable reason why he would ever come back. I knew very well he didn't actually love me anymore, so it was the only excuse.
"This is a test, isn't it?" I said, looking at him. "A test to see if I've moved on yet-"
"—Bella what are you talking about?" he asked, confusion coloring his tone.
My face grew wary and I stood up, unable to control my disbelief.
"You've come back to test me; to see if I've moved on or not; to see if I've forgotten you yet. And if you find that I haven't moved on, then you'll know that you haven't been away long enough, and you'll leave again, only to return in another six months, to test me again."
He looked like he wanted to object but I pressed on, angry tears rolling down my cheeks.
"How could you do this to me Edward? Do you have any idea, any clue, as to what it's been like for me?! How can you be so…so…cruel to come back, and to say you love me, only to disappear again afterwards, and leave me in the dust, again?" The tears were flowing uncontrollably and I only realized after that I was in fact screaming.
"You are a monster." I whispered, which left Edward looking as though someone had just punched him in the stomach.
Edward POV:
Hesitantly, I walked up the familiar steps leading to Bella's doorstep. I could already smell her; her glorious freesia scent that used to make my mouth water drifted through the dry air around the house. It made me feel strangely at ease, a feeling I hadn't come across in nearly six months. It was a feeling I missed, a feeling of … home.
I gulped back the lump in my throat as I pressed my shaking fingers against the doorbell, taking a small step back.
I'm out of my mind, I thought to myself, there's no way she'll take me back after what I've done to her.
My sensitive hearing picked up Bella's soft footsteps walking towards the door.
It's not too late to turn around and leave, I continued, half-expecting myself to chicken out at the last minute.
No, I told myself firmly, I have to see her. I can't live without my Bella; I need her back in my life.
The doorknob was turning.
If I could sweat, I would've; if my pulse could quicken, it would've. If I had the ability to show any signs of my nervousness, I would've. But, being a vampire, I couldn't. So, as my one and only love opened the door, all I could do was stand there with the most tense and pained expression on my face. Her cheerful smile dropped instantly when she saw me, her eyes appraising me a couple of times before her body became limp.
Bella's expression was heartbreaking: fear, longing, and worry were the first words that popped into my mind to describe it.
She looked different since the last time I had seen her; her hair fell limply to her shoulders, her once-soft, pale cheeks were colorless and altogether lifeless. She looked like a ghost, a ghost without a reason to live.
"Oh no…" she muttered softly before losing her balance and tipping over.
I couldn't help but smile as I caught her easily and held her close.
Same old Bella, I thought to myself, still can't keep her balance on even a flat surface.
I had forgotten how warm her skin was against mine, and I took a moment to breathe in her perfect scent before speaking.
"May I come in?" I asked uncertainly, my uneasiness resurfacing as I considered going inside and talking to her.
Bella seemed to be in shock at the very sight of me, but nevertheless, she nodded her head slowly and let me carry her into the house and onto the couch.
I didn't know what to do; she was staring at me with a frightened, distressed look on her face. It nearly broke my heart just looking at it.
"Bella…I…" What could I say to make things right? What words could I possibly use to describe my mistake to her?
Only when I said her name did she break out of her trance-like state and start to cry.
"What are you doing here?" she asked as the tears poured uncontrollably down her face.
I saw how much pain seeing me brought to her, and I sighed, aching to comfort my sobbing angel, but I resisted the urge to touch her. I wasn't sure how she felt about me anymore, so I kept to myself and spoke as soothingly as I could.
"Oh Bella, where do I even begin?" I said in exasperation, and after a minute of watching her tear-stricken face, I couldn't help but try to brush the tears from her eyes with my fingertips, only to watch the empty space refill in an instant.
"Bella," I began, "I owe you an apology. No, naturally I owe you much, much more than that. But, nonetheless, I'll still say it. I'm so terribly sorry. I can only imagine the hurt I have caused you, and for that, I'll never be able to forgive myself, not if I live a million years." I stopped, looking for the right words to continue, but what else could I say?
Bella surprised me by speaking for the first time.
"You only thought to apologize six months after you left?" she whispered.
"No," I very nearly yelled, horrified that such a thought would cross her mind, "you don't understand." My nervousness made me speak very quickly, and I pitied Bella's poor human ears for having to work hard to comprehend what I was saying. "Bella, last September, I left to save you. I didn't want all of this for you; you could do so much better than Me. For six months I managed to stay away, but it was getting to be too much for me; I can't live without you. Seeing the pain on your face when I left you was the hardest moment of my life, and I couldn't bear to have that image as my final memory of you."
I stopped to catch my breath, which I knew was completely unnecessary, but I was much too anxious to think rationally at the moment. Whatever Bella was expecting to hear from me, it certainly wasn't that. She looked utterly astonished by my words, and I wasn't sure whether or not she believed them. These were the times when I desperately wished I could read her mind, and know her exact thoughts.
"You left to…save me?" she asked perplexedly.
"Yes, I did. And it was the worst mistake of my life. Oh please, Bella, if only I had known that this decision would lead me almost killing myself in result of the deep, dark, depression that's been lingering these past few months. All I can do now is beg you to take me back, to forget those times and start over together."
I moved closer to her and took her hand in mine, slowly moving my other hand to rest on her cheek.
I heard her pulse quicken at my touch, and I smiled my old crooked smile that she used to love so much.
Same old Bella, I thought.
She looked at me with a curious expression. "But…" she whispered, "You didn't…want me…anymore…"
I knew that I would've had to explain this part eventually.
"That was all a lie to get you to let me go, love. I had hoped that if you thought that I had moved on, maybe you would too. Obviously, I was wrong, and I'm glad. I love you, Bella, and I don't want you to be with anyone else besides me. You need my protection, and I need you."
I could see the longing in her eyes, and I wrapped my arms around her in a gentle hug. I had to be very careful with my actions around Bella; one false move and I could theoretically kill her.
I was overjoyed when she hugged me back, placing her warm hands on my back. It was a relief to be able to hold her in my arms once more, and know that I could protect her from the evils of the world.
She moved back to study my face, the same longing expression coloring her features.
"I wish it were real…" she whispered sadly, touching my face with her delicate fingers.
What could she possibly mean by that? I asked her so much.
"I'm asleep now, and when I wake up, you'll be gone, and I'll have to face another dreaded day on my own." She said as she began to hyperventilate in fear.
Fear. Fear of losing me, again, which meant that there might still be hope of her ever loving me again.
I laughed lightly.
"You're not asleep Bella. All of this is really happening. I'm here, me, Edward, and I love you. And I'll never leave you again, not as long as I live and breathe."
For a split second, she appeared to have believed me, and I smiled again.
Suddenly, there was a new tension filling the atmosphere of the room. Her eyes sparked and lit up with intuition as she spoke.
"This is a test, isn't it?" she said. "A test to see if I've moved on yet—"
"—Bella what are you talking about?" I asked. Usually, I could pretty well pick up on where her ideas were going, but I was definitely lost this time.
"You've come back to test me;" she clarified, standing up out of the reach of my grasp, "to see if I've moved on or not; to see if I've forgotten you yet. And if you find that I haven't moved on, then you'll know that you haven't been away long enough, and you'll leave again, only to return in another six months, to test me again."
I couldn't fathom that this is what she thought the actual reason was behind my return. I could see it in her face; she believed every word of what she was saying. Her words hit me like a car into a brick wall, and I would've stopped her ludicrous thinking, if she hadn't continued to speak, angry tears now rolling down her fair cheeks once more.
"How could you do this to me Edward? Do you have any idea, any clue, as to what it's been like for me?! How can you be so…so…cruel to come back, and to say you love me, only to disappear again afterwards, and leave me in the dust, again?" she screamed.
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. Bella thought I was back to check and see if she was over me yet.
I didn't think there was a feeling that was worse than living without Bella.
The very fact that she thought so little of me, the way she looked at me now, with disbelief and horror, make me realize. This feeling was worse.
Her final words were the ones that dragged my over in remorse.
"You are a monster." she whispered.
About one thing she was certainly right: I was a monster; a horrible, evil, selfish monster, who hurt the only girl I ever loved, and made her think that I would return home just to play games with her pain. I couldn't control my face, so I had no idea what she saw there, but judging on the way I felt, I could only imagine the broken expression that must've resided there.