I've decided to update, since I promised yah' guys I'd give Charlie. Sorry if it took me a long time, but I had to put it on hold to get everything together and write my three other fanfics. And yes, I am not a big fan of Twilight anymore, though I may be reading the next installments, I now know that Meyer isn't a genius because really, when you look at it, it's just a fluff-lovers perfect fantasy. But yes, I still think the book is great, just not as much as when I first read it.

And that Barney thing? I've been getting a lot of questions about this. Well, here's the thing. I think Barney is gay. And I really, really don't like him/her/it/whatever/etc. I have a really bad past with the dude. And the gay thing? Yes that's a habit I got from one of my classmates who's always "This is gay," "Science is gay", Gets pwned by Sepiroth "Sepiroth is sooo gay," or something along those lines. And it rubbed off on me. Well, here's the long awaited Charlie Swan

Charlie:

Kill Bella (dun dun dun)

Make him bald

Get a camcorder and follow him around recording his life

Follow him in the bathroom

While he's doing his "business," whistle some elevator music

Tell him Bella ran off to marry Edward

You know what? Tell him Bella ran off to marry Barney

But just to make him not feel alone, give him a (destructive) rabbit with a chainsaw (Thank you Fishy Crackers)

Get a truck to deliver hotdogs to his house everyday. Steal all his food just to make sure he doesn't cheat out of the hotdogs. (Zell Dincht would love this, wouldn't he?)

Convince Ed to turn Bella into a vampire…right in front of her dad

Take a picture of Bella in a wedding dress with Edward (or Barney) right next to her.

Give him a G-string for Christmas. Put a card there saying, "To: Charlie Swan/ From: Carlisle Cullen"

Follow him around everywhere saying the words "Poppycock" and "Balderdash" over and over again.

Superglue Oprah to his body.

Tell him Bella's pregnant…to decaplets.

Insist on borrowing his gun. When he says 'no', give a long sermon about the origin and importance of sharing

If he says yes, shoot at the (destructive) rabbit's chainsaw. Point at him and say "he did it."

Tell him the rabbit's dead. (He'll be happy) Then come home the next day with a blowtorch-wielding goldfish that has fetish for Charlie's blood (Thanks to Fishy Crackers)

Put a used tampon in his pocket. When in public, pull it out and announce "Oh my gawd! Officer Swan is PMS-ing!!" Either that or "OMG! PERV!!"

Steal his cop costume and replace it with a nurse costume (gender optional). Say it's the new uniform.

Replace the poster of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". Put his face there instead of the actual Charlie Bucket.

Tell Willy Wonka he has a new Oompa-loompa for hire that has red hair and is abnormally tall and has 'Swan' for a last name. Then give Charlie a chocolate bar with a golden ticket inside, just to get him there.

Put some birth pills in his food.

Release all the criminals he's worked so hard to arrest.

Blow at his face whenever he tries to sleep.

Superglue bunny ears to his head.

Still on that last one, take a picture of him and show it Destructive Rabbit and say it's female.

Oh and thank you guys so much for the ideas and inspiration. Especially Cheese or Billie the Fourth Sage. None of your actual ideas are here, but without them I'd really, really be lost. Yeah, they inspired my better ideas.

Sorry if this disappointed you guys a bit. Tell me if you guys want me to do Esme. Actually I was just obligated to do this since I remember saying in one of my AN's that I'd do a chap on him, and I don't go back on my word so here it is. But like I said, it was more of an obligation so in my opinion it's not that funny. I hope you still like it though.