I couldn't make myself move or even speak for a long time, long enough that he finally took my hand and kissed the back of it gently.

" Are you okay ? " He asked when I still said nothing and remain perfectly still.

" You aren't mad ? " I countered disbelieving.

" About what ? " he shrugged as if I just asked him if the weather suited him.

I sighed in exasperation and pulled my hand out of his. " That I didn't tell you about him before. That I didn't find you when I found out I was pregnant. " I babbled on as my thoughts spun out of control.

He put my shoulders in his hands and forced me to look at him. " So he really is mine ? "

The words hit me like a fist in the stomach. He had been working a hunch. He hadn't really known for sure. And now it was out there and I couldn't back my way out. It was too late to try and play it cool now.

I just nodded. It was all I could manage at the moment. I could find no words to say, nothing to make the situation any better.

He let me go and unlocked the door behind him. Then he grabbed my hand, ushering me inside before shutting it with a soft click.

" How could you not tell me, Casey ? " He demanded as he spun around on me.

Ah, there was the reaction I was expecting. This one I could deal with. The calmness had scared me. But I was accustomed to anger. I could handle anger.

" By the time I found out, you were married. What was I supposed to do, show up on the doorstep of your happy little home and announced that I was about to have your child ? "

His eyes darkened and he moved forward a step, coming well into my personal space, but I didn't flinch away from him and I was very proud of that fact.

" I had a right to know. It might have changed everything if I had known. " He breathed down on me and talked through gritted teeth.

" You're right, " I answered, flashing angry eyes at him. " It might have changed everything for you and that is exactly why I didn't tell you. "

He stomped away from me and flung himself on the bed that sat in the center of the room. " What the hell is that supposed to mean ? Are you saying you were happy when you found out how bad my marriage turned out ? "

I went to him and sat beside him. " Of course not, Cappie. That isn't what I'm saying at all. " I explained. " But I am happy about the way the rest of your life has turned out. You're a success. Can you honestly tell me you would have had the opportunity to be a success if you had a child you had to take care of ? I've kept up with you through Rusty. I know it was hard getting where you are now. You wouldn't have made it if Zach and I had been around to worry about. "

He turned his eyes to me. " You can't know that. "

" I know that you weren't ready to be a father."

He was on his feet in a flash, pacing like a caged animal. " And you were ready to be a mother ? " He hissed. " Besides, it wasn't your place to make that determination. You had no right to keep him from me like that. Think about all I've missed. "

I did think about it and it hurt. I knew I had robbed him. My earlier thoughts at seeing them playing together came crashing back on me.

I came to my feet shakily and moved to stand in front of him as I took his hands in mine and looked in his face, so twisted with anger and hurt I barely recognized him at all.

" Cappie, I know. You are absolutely right. I robbed you of so much. I can't ever give that time back to you. I will never be able to make that up. " I drew a deep breath into my lungs and tried to steady myself. Guilt racked me as I watched him, watching me so intently. " What can I do to make this right ? How can I make it better ? "

He said nothing, choosing instead to simply stand there, stock still, staring at me. I fought against the urge to squirm under his scrutiny. But then suddenly he pulled his hands out of mine and turned his back to me, walking away, distancing himself from me.

" It's the funniest thing. " He muttered more to himself than to me. " I am so mad at you right now, but when you get close to me all I can still think about is kissing you again. "

I had no idea how to respond to that. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be close to him again. I wanted him to kiss me again and tell me that we would work everything out. I wanted another chance with him. I wanted that more than anything.

He spun towards me so abruptly I nearly jumped. " Can you please tell me why it is that every time I get near you I just want to touch you ? It's all I think about when you're in the same room with me. Hell, it's all I've thought about since you came back into my life. And I can't make it stop. Even now, I'm barely fighting the urge to grab you and kiss you again. "

" I don't know why. " I answered. " But I feel it too. "

He was there again, crossing the distance that he had put between us in a single stride and burying his hands in my hair as he devoured my lips with his. I grabbed to him, clutching his shoulders desperately, terrified that his anger with me would win out and he would let me go any second.

I could almost feel the conflict inside him like it was a physical thing I could hold in my hands. He wanted so badly to be angry with me. His shoulders were so tense they were like a rubber band stretched to its limits. The tension ran throughout his body, I could feel it pressed against mine and I knew it was just a matter of time before it snapped. His muscles rippled under my fingertips. His hands held me so tightly it was almost painful.

But under the tension there was a desperation in him, something I had never felt before. I was drowning in the passion that was rolling off him in waves. I wasn't sure I had ever been part of something so intense before. A breath stealing intensity that would have knocked me off my feet if he hadn't been holding me so firmly. My knees were weak, my stomach flopped and for a moment I forgot where I was, I forgot who I was. I felt like I was suddenly part of something so much bigger than myself. It was surreal. Like standing on the ocean shore and realizing just how small and insignificant you really are. The power of the emotions he put forth through his kiss was mind numbing.

I pulled back, almost scared of him and badly needing to breath. As I stood there panting, I watched several expressions cross his face as he looked back at me, none of them I could identify.

It was funny, I used to be able to tell exactly what he was thinking just by the look in his eyes, but now too many years had caused a shadow over my memory. I wasn't quite able to read him like I once had and it was driving me crazy.

" Please, " I whispered into the dimness of the room. " Say something. Tell me what you're thinking. "

He smiled down at me sadly. " I'm thinking so many things right now, its hard to put them into words. I don't know what to say. "

" Then how am I supposed to know what to do ? I don't know whether I should leave or stay. " I pulled out of his arms and went to the bed to sit. " You have every reason to hate me. You should hate me right now. I would know what to do if you hated me. "

He let out a chuckle and it instantly drew my eyes to his face once again. " I could never hate you. After all that we've been through together, I have never hated you. " He told me. " Being mad at you isn't the same thing. "

" Are you mad at me ? " I asked. " Because that didn't feel like angry just now. "

He sighed loudly and turned away once again to resume his pacing, though this time it didn't carry the agitation it had early. Now it seemed more like it was giving his feet something to do instead. " I don't really know how I feel. I know how I should feel. I should feel lied to and betrayed. " He ran his hands through his hair roughly, tiredly. " Maybe I'm just so used to feeling betrayed by you that it doesn't register anymore. "

I jumped to my feet, astounded at his words. " I have never betrayed you. " I insisted.

" Didn't you ? " He turned to me. " How do you think I felt when you left me in freshman year and ended up on Chambers' arm by the end of the week ? " I blinked, trying to push back the tears his words were ripping from my eyes. But he continued and I was helpless to fight them any longer. " How do you think I felt when you spent the night with me just to get revenge on him for cheating on you ? Or how about when I watched you on the lawn accepting his lavaliere after the week we spent together working on that paper ? Or how about when you came running to me as soon as he decided he didn't want you anymore only to leave me again two months later ? All you've ever done is betrayed me. You realized early on exactly what you meant to me and you used that information every chance you got all through school. "

" But I never did it on purpose. " I cried as I took a step towards him. " I never meant to hurt you. "

He backed away from me, keeping the space between us open, not letting me get close to him. " You never didn't do it on purpose. I was never special enough to you to affect your actions. Not once did you stop and think, how will Cappie feel if I do this. I don't think it ever occurred to you that you should. Even when we were together, I was like a lost dog trailing around behind you waiting for any crumb of affection you wanted to throw my way. I spent all my time trying to find ways of making you happy. I become obsessed with it, in fact. Everything I did in our first year together was for you. I made every waking moment of my life about you. And you never returned that. You never made me feel like I really mattered to you the way you mattered to me. And that was the worst betrayal. I put myself out there for you constantly. I may not have said it out loud that often, but you knew. "

The room was spinning out of control for me. His words hung in the air between us. Finally I realized what I should have realized years ago. I had hurt him over and over, time and again and all he ever wanted was for me to love him. That's all. Such a simple thing that I was too selfish to be capable of. How had I missed that ? How had I turned away a love that strong ? A love that lasted through all the pain I had inflicted on him. No one had ever loved me like that. Most people spend their entire life searching for a love like that and I had it and threw it back in his face again and again. I was, in short, an idiot. I didn't deserve him. I had never deserved him. There were times in school I thought I was better than him. I hate to admit that even to myself, but there had been times. And now hearing about all the torment I had delivered to him, I knew I was stupid to ever think that. It was the opposite. He was too good for me.

I closed my eyes and tried to collect my thoughts, to think of something to say to him in the face of his declaration, something that would make it better. I came up with nothing.

I brushed my hand over my wet cheeks in a vain attempt to remove at least some of the tears, then I squared my shoulders and started for the door. There was nothing left for us to say. Nowhere else for us to go. Even if he did find a way to get past all the hurt I had caused, I knew I never would. I would never forgive myself for hurting him so badly, the one person in the world I never should have caused the least bit of pain in.

I took one last look at him and saw him for the first time with new eyes. Such a strong man, carrying the weight of the all that grief on his shoulders so quietly, never complaining. No wonder people looked up to him the way they always had. He was so silently, wonderfully magnificent. The strength of his character shined in his normally laughing, care free eyes. It was astounding that I had never fully appreciated that before. As much as I loved him once, I had missed that very fundamental part of who he was.

I had to call on every reserve of strength I had to will my feet towards the door. It was much more than I thought myself capable of, but I knew I was doing this for him. Getting myself away from him was the best gift I could give him. All I did was cause him pain and misery. I couldn't do that to him anymore.

I really hoped he was going to simply stand there and watch me go without a word. I prayed with everything in me that he wouldn't try to stop me. But yet again those prayers were unanswered as I felt his hand snake out and grab hold of my arm when I tried to brush past him.

" Please don't leave me again. " he whispered and when I turned to met his eyes I saw something I had never seen before. Tears.