Chapter 5 – Suspicions and Admissions

Warnings: none

"Because it could be something serious," Beckett managed to say.

"So? You hate me anyway. What would it matter if something serious was wrong with me?"

He cleared his throat, feeling prickly heat creeping up the skin of his neck.

"I don't hate you," he mumbled, looking at the ground.

"Ha! As if you expect me to believe that," she said, crossing her arms.

"Well, it's true," he replied, the blood rushing to his face as a confirmation of his assertion. He had to have been speaking the truth to feel this type of unfamiliar sensation. "I can't expect you to believe what I say, being as you utterly despise me, but there it is."

"I don't despise you."

"Then why do you refuse to believe anything I say? It's awfully frustrating talking to you, having to explain my every word afterwards."

"The way you've been acting lately has made me doubt your earlier—"

"What?" he shot. "You mean my admission aboard the Pearl—"

"Yes."

Affronted, he had interrupted her with impromptu blurting, and she had replied quickly with a resolute yes. It figured; the one time in his life he had been completely upfront with someone, and was still unable to convince that person of the truth!

Beckett was most definitely blushing now. His hands suddenly felt cold and foreign gripping his upper arms, as all body heat had now accumulated in his face. He cleared his throat, feeling it tightening in the process. So this is how it feels to be tongue-tied, he mused, trying to find the correct wording. This would have been much easier had I been lying in the first place. He noticed her watching him intently, eyes glistening with interest. I don't like this situation at all…. I can't lie, because then she'll have no reason to trust me anymore.

He cleared his throat again.

"I was telling the truth," he stated simply.

"Really."

"Yes." He paused momentarily, to collect his thoughts. "In thinking I was dying, as everyone else likely did at that point in time, I had nothing to gain by telling you a lie. All that I said then was the truth."

"Then why has it been so hard for you to look me in the eye lately?" She remembered Jack's explanation of Beckett's actions, and wondered if Beckett would say something similar.

Beckett used a finger to loosen the collar of his shirt, which suddenly seemed to be stifling his breathing. His eye contact fell from her at that moment, and it was physically impossible to get them to look directly at her again. Why is my body acting so stupidly, he mused. I can't wait to get out of here, if only to avoid these ridiculous questions.

Elizabeth continued speaking, ignorant of Beckett's obvious discomfort.

"As Barbossa said above deck, a man that cannot look another—"

"I don't know why," he said, interrupting Elizabeth mid-sentence.

"Oh, come on," she teased. "Surely you can think of a better reason than that."

"You're suddenly well again," he retorted dryly, noticing her smile and total lack of rocking. She frowned in response to his comment.

"As I said, this only happens to me in the early morning. Don't try to change the subject."

"I could just leave, you know," he said, moving his leg as if to get up.

"Then that would prove to me that everything you've told me thus far is a lie," was her reply. "And I'd have no further reason to trust anything you say." She ended her comment with a smirk.

This was dangerous territory. Why does she have to be so bloody on-guard all the time? Can't she just allow her defenses to fall for a moment? It must be hard being her. Of course, spending all the time with heathen pirates as she does, her suspicions have to be raised constantly. I'd probably do the same thing in her situation – actually, I've been doing the same thing. Since when have I ever let my guard down? I'm never going to get anywhere with this, being as she and I are too much alike.

"Alright," he replied hastily. "I don't know why you take pleasure in making me squirm, but… alright, I'll attempt to explain."

"Go on," she said, noticing his gap in speech. I'm making Lord Cutler Beckett squirm? The thought of her affecting him in such a way caused a filling of her stomach with something other than nausea, something not unpleasant, really, but odd nonetheless.

Beckett had to make this an honest confession, for if he lied outright to her, she'd never trust his intentions for when they would arrive in the Azores. He had to speak to her as if he was trying to convince himself of this. Because they were more similar than he even wanted to admit. Besides, it wouldn't matter so much that she knew everything, anyway. He'd be rid of her soon enough….

He sighed loudly before beginning to speak.

"Well. The truth is… I never thought we'd cross paths again after I revealed all that I did to you that night…let alone a mere week later. It's, well…" He spoke slowly and clearly, but barely above a whisper, just like he had spoken to Jack aboard the Endeavour regarding Shipwreck Cove. "…well, it's sort of like you have this ammunition… in the form of an actual rare confession from myself, to use against me." He looked off into the distance, avoiding any eye contact with her. "It's a rather odd feeling, because I know of perhaps only three other people who are in your particular position. And two of them happen to be deceased."

"Mercer," she murmured, feeling relieved that perhaps Beckett was capable of being honest with her. That said, it was a wonder that he was explaining himself at all. It was not as if she was threatening him with a pistol, a knife, or a cat o' nine tails. He had confessed this all on his own.

"Correct." He shifted uncomfortably, eyes scanning the brig for the sign of another person, someone who could successfully interrupt.

"Who are the other two?"

"That's not your concern," he snapped, feeling nauseatingly vulnerable. Hopefully some other pirate will drop in and break up this intense little conversation…

"And what's worse," he continued haltingly, looking anywhere but directly at her, "is that you are now aware of the power that such a confession from myself yields, and the influence that it has over—"

"Well, now that the air has been cleared, you have no reason to avoid me."

He sighed exasperatingly.

"Now that I've brought all this to light, I have a valid reason to do just that."

"But why would that be? I don't understand—"

"Oh, nevermind," he snapped, his voice sounding raspier than usual.

Why have I let her into my personal thoughts? This is not territory for anyone to enter, let alone an enemy. What have I done? I'm really in over my head now. She's too naïve to even understand the meaning of all this explanation. What a waste of time this has been….

"No, I'd really hope that you could explain, because I'm not—"

"Understanding will come with time; not a detailed explanation from me," he replied hastily. "When this happens to you, which it certainly will, you will then understand my reasoning for what I say."

They sat there in silence for what seemed like forever. Elizabeth was lost in thought, and Beckett was feeling fidgety, his eyes constantly darting around the brig. Suddenly, Elizabeth broke the silence, causing Beckett to flinch.

"Can you promise to keep mum on this problem I've been having? I don't want the crew to start feeling sorry for me. So far, you're the only one who knows about this."

He smirked.

"I promise… as long as you promise not to speak with Jack about the Azores. If you so wish, we'll also keep quiet on seeking out the doctor there."

"I don't know why you're so insistent on this, but alright," she said with a smile. "So we have an accord?"

He merely held out his hand, a little grin playing around the corners of his mouth. She grasped his hand with her own and they shook hands, sitting across from each other on the floor of the brig.

A/N: Please don't read any more into Beckett's "three other people" than is there. That was not my intention. Mercer and the two others merely have in common that they all have heard the true confessions of Beckett. There's no lovey-dovey confession for Elizabeth here, and so please don't assume that there's lovey-dove ones for the others... Alright. Just wanted to clear that up.