ch 10

-Atlantis-

"Hey."

A less than completely confident voice came from the open door to Elizabeth Weir's office. It took a moment for her to register that it really did belong to Dr. Rodney McKay, and he was standing in her door way looking… uncertain? "Come in. Is there something I can help you with?"

Rodney stepped into the room, his hands in his jacket pockets, and regarded her. He was trying to read her expression. Hopeless, he knew, he was a terrible judge of character. He wasn't even sure what it was he wanted to see. "I just… something's been on my mind and I was wondering…"

Elizabeth tempered the grin that threatened to spread across her face and forced down the untimely lump in her throat. It was a small blessing her eyes didn't water. He'd been avoiding her for weeks, or else hiding behind a thick mask of professionalism. Could it be he was finally ready to talk a bit? "Of course Rodney, please come in."

He liked Elizabeth. She was smart, in her own way. Good to work with. He respected that she'd mastered an understanding of the one subject that completely evaded him, humanity. She understood people. "Did you mean what you said before? When you agreed that I couldn't… wouldn't be forced…"

"I meant it." This must be about Caldwell and Woolsey. But hadn't Caldwell post-poned the questioning until after the experiment? "Rodney. I promise. No one is going to force you to talk to anyone."

Rodney digested that while trying to reconcile it with Caldwell's words. He'd said they wouldn't need to use him if he talked. Well, the investigation wasn't directly connected to the Atlantis project. Maybe she didn't realize that other members of staff were involved, "It's just that I saw Dr. Beckett…" Rodney was trying to tell her what he'd seen in the jumper bay, but trailed off again.

Of course. Carson must already have approached him about an examination. He cared. But the timing was not right. She'd have to talk to him about it. Elizabeth winced, "I had hoped that he'd wait a bit longer, until you were more ready."

She knew? Rodney tried to conceal his hurt and disappointment. It was irrational of him. Of course they had to do as was asked of them by SGC and the Pentagon. And what to do with the information they gathered was out of their hands; to be decided by some short-sighted politicians with the combined IQ's of Earthworm Jim and the ambition of Ghenghis Khan.

Elizabeth smiled kindly, or was that diplomatically? "You must know that Dr. Beckett will need to give you a full examination eventually. I'll let him know to wait a-while… and Rodney. I won't lie to you. It would help us a great deal if you would talk to us about what happened…"

Rodney reminded himself that it wasn't her fault. "Thank you."

Elizabeth watched one of her most valued friends turn and walk from her office, seemingly satisfied with her answers. It wasn't much, but maybe he was opening up a little. He seemed to appreciate that a medical examination would be postponed. She had an idea that asking Woolsey and Caldwell to leave might go a long way to solidifying the foundation of trust built on this one little conversation. If Rodney decided he wanted to help, the information could easily be forwarded to them on earth.

She tapped her intercom, "Col. Caldwell. Could I see you in my office please?"

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Something had happened between their post-mission check yesterday and their pre-mission check now. At least that much was obvious to John Sheppard as he watched Rodney's antics in the infirmary. They were getting ready to head back to Arcturus with a full science team and gear.

At first everything seemed pretty normal. McKay griped a lot more than usual about the futility of having to get checked out again when they'd only just had a post-mission check yesterday. John figured it was just because he was so eager to get back to the planet and start working.

But as they neared the infirmary Rodney gradually became more subdued and actually seemed resigned. When John asked if his friend was alright, Rodney snapped defensively, "I'm perfectly healthy. Which is why this is pointless!" So John backed off. He probably just hadn't had enough coffee.

The two men took their usual seat on the edge of side-by-side beds. A pretty nurse came over and started taking John's blood pressure and listened to his heart, and exchanged an amused look with John while Rodney waited. She and the other nurses knew better than to bother trying to examine McKay. He always gave them an impossible time until Carson came and took over. So now they just let him be, and Carson would look after Rodney himself.

Which was why John Sheppard knew something was up when Carson didn't go to Rodney straight away. The physician just stood and watched Rodney from a distance, as though trying to assess his mood before approaching. And Rodney wasn't griping about being kept waiting. He was sitting quietly, not looking at anyone.

John was about to ask what was going on when Carson finally took out his stethoscope and approached Rodney.

"This is just a formality. I imagine you're as healthy today as you were yesterday." Carson attempted jovial but it came out a little too enthusiastically, the way it always did when he was nervous. Rodney didn't respond so Carson continued while hanging his stethoscope around his ears, "Better to be on the safe side though! Especially when you're exploring a whole new galaxy!"

Rodney poorly suppressed a flinch when Carson lifted the metal end of the stethoscope towards Rodney's chest. Carson paused and badly covered a pained look before too cheerily saying, "Right… It's probably still too cold. We'll let that warm up in my pocket a bit more." He hesitated when Rodney didn't respond, but then took out a little medical flashlight. "Right then, let's have a quick look in yer eyes."

When Rodney didn't lift his head Carson gave up on the cheery façade, "Look, Rodney. I don't know what ye thought y'saw but you have to understand…"

"Oh, I understand," Rodney interrupted in a tone that shocked John.

He didn't see the look Rodney gave Carson, but the physician took several steps back before gathering himself and turning to his office. A quick order to another nurse sent her to look after Rodney's pre-mission check.

John had seen enough. He stood and stormed over to Rodney, "What the hell was that all about?"

"I'd rather not talk about it…" the reply was dismissive.

Fine. Rodney didn't want to talk to him. 'Big surprise there,' the man who still stubbornly considered himself Rodney's friend griped inwardly. John was fuming, he might not be able to get anything out of McKay but he wasn't about to back down yet either. And he was getting a little sick of being stone-walled for his efforts on a pretty much daily basis. So he turned towards Carson's office and followed the physician instead. He was going to get answers.

"Beckett? What was that all about?" John asked as the door swooshed closed behind him. Only after he entered did he look and see the physician with his head buried in his arms that rested high on a filing cabinet. Crap. The sensitive bear of a Scott was crying manly Scottish tears. John suddenly felt like an invader. But if Carson minded his presence, he was too polite to say. He quickly wiped away the still welling tears and turned to face John.

"Ach! I'm a right bachle an e's bein' a gipe of a bairn agin! Tha's what! I'm at me wit's end! Did ye see him? Did ye see how he acted like I was goin' t'hurt him? What does he think I am? Ye've got to talk to 'im for me. Ah cannae." The Scott had to be extremely upset to be slipping that strongly into his accent and using words like that.

Sheppard took a few moments to replay the words he could understand before answering… "Ok… Explain to me what happened and I'll give it a shot."

"It's all mah fault! Col. Caldwell told me he'd brought that god-awful thing Rodney was found in. He sent it down so I could take a look at it. So I could get a better understanding of what… I never intended to…" Carson didn't think to mention it had been Caldwell's idea.

"Go on…" Sheppard coaxed. There had to be more, and unfortunately he thought he could guess what.

"Rodney walked in and saw me working on it. He just looked at me like I was some kind of monster and went running off. I'm a bloody Doctor! I heal people! I'd never hurt him!" The physician was passionate about his oaths and his work. That anyone would think he'd cause them harm with his knowledge, let alone a friend, stung deeply. "I've ruined it. He'll never trust me again. I can't even talk to 'im."

John pursed his lips and patted the other mans shoulder in an attempt to be comforting. He was just bad at this sort of thing. "I'm sure it just came as a shock. He knows you. He's always trusted you as a doctor."

Carson made a frustrated sound, "Aye, well he doesn't anymore!"

"I'll talk to him." John assured him and turned to go confront Rodney.

But he re-entered the main infirmary to find that Rodney had already been discharged and was likely waiting in a jumper with the rest of the scientists. Their talk would have to wait until later.

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The door to Rodney's room slid shut behind him and he closed his eyes against the overwhelming sense of failure. Collins was dead. And it didn't make any sense! Somehow something had gone terribly wrong, but he couldn't see where. It was like suddenly being struck blind. Why couldn't anyone else understand why it was important to go back?

Collins death couldn't be for nothing. He was a great scientist. He deserved to be remembered for something great.

All the laws of physics said it should work. It should be possible. He just needed a chance to figure it out, and he couldn't do that working with a computer generated model.

Rodney was startled from his thoughts by a knock on his door. Dammit. He wanted to be left alone. Maybe if he ignored it, whoever it was would just go away.

"Rodney?" The voice of John Sheppard, aka Colonel Pitbull, came from the other side of the door. All hope of the intruder going away on his own evaporated. Sheppard was always like a dog with a bone. If McKay was to get any peace tonight it would require a more direct approach.

The door slid open at Rodney's thought to reveal Sheppard standing outside, looking expectant, "Hey Rodney… We need to talk."

"No, I don't", Rodney countered, "What I need is to be left alone. It's late Colonel."

"Alright," Sheppard drawled sarcastically, "Then –I- need to talk. You can just listen. It won't take long. And it's not even 2100 hours."

Oh for the love of all that is… why wouldn't he just go away?

"Can I come in?" Sheppard grinned that lop-sided fly-boy grin that he always seemed to think would get him his way.

Well not this time. Rodney folded his arms stubbornly and looked John straight in the puppy-dog eyes, "No."

Rodney tried not to care that Sheppard looked hurt, and then angry at this. It wasn't as though the other man had backed Rodney up in the de-briefing. Serves him right.

"Fine!" Sheppard ground out, "Then I'll talk out here!" Sheppard seemed to kick himself internally and take a moment to calm before continuing. "Beckett asked me to talk to you about what happened earlier."

Rodney immediately stiffened. Couldn't they even wait until morning? Apparently now that he'd failed it was open season on McKay's. Well… Caldwell had said that everyone had a sense of how important this was for earth. Apparently everyone included John Sheppard.

John continued clumsily when Rodney didn't close the door in his face, "Look, Rodney. You were acting crazy. You know you can trust Carson. You always have before. Nothing has changed. You're just not thinking straight. Just go talk to him. Hear him out."

Trust Carson. Rodney was surprised to find himself entertaining the thought. He must be over-stressed. Sure, he would have liked to believe that men like Carson Beckett and John Sheppard would never allow anything like Phoenix to happen if they knew what it did, let alone take part in it. But he'd known them how long? A year and half? No-one could ever really know what another person would do in a given situation. People were unpredictable. And Rodney was a terrible judge of character. It would be stupid to risk telling them anything. A billion unpredictable factors could influence what they chose to do with that information. No doubt they'd be convinced they were working for the greater good. People always were. Everyone whose mind he'd ever seen had been perfectly convinced they were taking the best possible course of action given their situation and choices. Look what that had led to. He remembered Caldwell's question. Could he really be so selfish? He supposed that's what John and Carson thought of him now. He hated to let them down but…

"Rodney. Stop pushing everyone away." Sheppard leaned forward earnestly. The fact he hadn't been interrupted yet was not only a small miracle, it also indicated that Rodney was for once actually listening. "You're not alone. I'm your friend. Carson is your friend. It's not like you can avoid him forever anyway. The city is only so big."

Rodney expressionlessly regarded Col. John Sheppard, "Are you finished, Colonel?" The question was stiff and formal.

After everything he'd said, and believing he'd been heard, the detachment in Rodney's voice took John by surprise. Before he could form an answer the door to Rodney's room slid shut and he was left standing in the hall alone.

Alone in his room again, Rodney paced a small line. Sheppard had gotten under his skin, and ruffled him, as always. But it was more than usual this time. He didn't know what he was feeling. He wanted to run shouting to Sheppard and Carson to stay the hell away from anything to do with Phoenix… but anything he said could send the military on the path to recreating the project. It was incredibly unfair.

Looking back at the door he suddenly felt very alone. What foolishness! Of course he was alone. And what was wrong with being alone with the most brilliant mind in two galaxies? He turned towards his wall of accomplishments. They always centred him at times like this. Most would find the display egotistical. Cadman had.

Well, there was no one else to take pride in it, so why shouldn't he? They reminded him of what he could rely on. Himself. He'd pushed himself when there was no-one else to. He'd taken better care of himself than anyone else could have or cared to. He'd appreciated his own intelligence for what it was, his own. He'd payed his own way, through grants and scholarships and some income here and there from the CIA and FBI. He just couldn't seem to stay out from under their radar. That was what had eventually eased him into his work in the Pentagon and Area 51. Only the Star-Gate could have lured him to the Military. Strangely, he didn't regret it.

His mind drifted back to Collins and his earlier sense of failure. He knew he could figure it out. It should have worked. If no one else believed him, fine. He'd believe in himself. Just like always. Collins would not be another pointless death in the Pegasus Galaxy.

McKay exited his room and strode to his lab with determination.

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Mr Woolsey walked quickly down the corridors of Atlantis. Now that the Arcturus Experiment had failed and Caldwell had no reasons left to make certain that McKay was not disturbed…Woolsey didn't intend to waste any more time. His strides slowed and stopped in front of McKay's private lab and he took a moment to prepare himself before braving entry.

"Dr McKay?" He stepped cautiously inside when there was no answer. McKay was hunched over a lap top, facing away from the door. "Dr McKay? I was hoping I'd find you here…" Woolsey took a moment to regard the man ignoring him. This wasn't going well. He doubted this would be half as difficult if it weren't for the militaries damn obsession with weapons. Perhaps that would be a more effective angle to approach him from, "I'm sorry the Arcturus project didn't work out."

"Yes, well I'm a bit busy trying to figure out why. So if you wouldn't mind leaving…" the scientist didn't look up as he spoke.

If this was going to be a battle of wills, Woolsey intended to win, "I can't do that."

Now McKay finally turned around, "Do I have to call some marines to make you leave? I don't have to talk to you. Get out!"

Woolsey walked further into the room, his shoulders squared, "You may be able to have me dragged away, but Col Caldwell won't back down so easily and he out-ranks all the marines here. Do you really think you'll be able to find another weapon to tempt him away?"

The scientists face reddened and he yelled, "Get OUT!"

"NO!" Woolsey could here his own vehemence, his voice cracked and he let it. He needed McKay to understand how he felt about this, and to trust his intentions. "Just hear me out! And then I'll leave if you still want me to. I'm going to be completely honest with you. I don't give a rats ass about the militaries desire to develop a weapon. That's not what I'm here for. I've cooperated with that because it got me here with the resources I needed. Now, here's why I'M here. Something terrible was done to you. It was done to you against your will. I want the people who did that to be punished and I need to stop them from doing it to someone else. Just give me something to help predict their next move. Help me find them and stop them this time."

The room fell silent and Woolsey held his breath while he waited for McKay's next move. Woolsey watched while a gambit of emotions ran through the other mans eyes and he warred within. Finally, McKay spoke, "I'm only going to say this once. They'll be looking for smart people. Not just a little smart. We're talking prodigies in multiple subjects. They'll need to narrow those down to the best. Any age will do but children are easier to locate, acquire, and control. The testing might take place through scholarship application, the public school system, or these days even the internet." He grabbed a sheet of paper and jotted down a short list before handing it to Woolsey, without looking him in the eye.

Woolsey looked at it in confusion, "What's this?"

"It's a short list of illegal and difficult to acquire substances that they will need to get on the Black Market, if they haven't already. It's not enough for you to recreate the project. I won't give you that. Now, get out."

Woolsey nodded respectfully and backed towards the door, "Thank you."

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